The hero is now gone, but I’m still here, now what? (Undergoing editing)

“We shouldn’t… Neophyte needs some time for herself,” Fafnir calmly said while shaking her head at the Lioness.

“And what? Just let her be? This can get even worse if we don’t take care of it now.” Laceresta scoffed at Fafnir, who in response raised her eyebrow. The Lioness didn’t let her glare let up and continued pushing her point, “if none of you going to tell her that she needs to continue the way she did or else everyone is going to die then let me meet her at the door and talk to her,”

The three of them, were, right now, sitting in the living room arguing about Neophyte’s problematic first day of school- or, really, end of it, - and how she’s starting to, in Laceresta’s words, “become lax”, Fafnir said that she needs the break, Laceresta argued back that if she doesn’t work hard as she did, she’d fall behind and lose everything she’s built up until now.

And Zath… didn’t know what to feel about the situation- because she knew that she agreed with Fafnir but she was scared of Laceresta snapping at her- but was it even a question? She wondered to herself: defending or just letting things play out, those two choices were her only options on the matter, and again-

Was it even a question?

Of course not, defending Neophyte and helping her always comes first… but- Zathania eyed Laceresta and frowned, she… wasn’t sure about confronting someone like her, the Lioness seemed downright violent right now and she knew that no matter what she did, Laceresta would just react to her in aggression so… she stayed silent- afraid that if she does something as simple as speak out, she’d get yelled at like Fafnir.

Zathania lazily looked at the Dragon-

Who, as always, didn’t falter and simply took the insults in stride, uncaring about the raised voices or anything related to the fact that Laceresta was being aggressive and Zathania, if she were any other person, would’ve chalked it up to the fact that the Dragon was simply more powerful than the Lioness, hence why she didn’t feel threatened- which yes, is one of the reasons for why she reacts the way she does but that’s not the only reason why.

Because Fafnir was confident and reassured in what she did, her actions were her own and no matter what, she’s not gonna let someone- even if it’s a member of their team, - step over her.

Fafnir had unbridled confidence in what she did, pride in her own self and her actions: that’s who Fafnir is and it will never change no matter the situation.

Even in the face of absurdity, Zath trusts that the Dragon would keep a cool head and simply stare it down with a steel gaze, unflinching about the possible danger or any potential harm her way, she’s like that, and Zath wishes that she’s even a fraction of the kind of person Fafnir is.

The kind of person that her mistress relies on.

Is she jealous? Yes.

Will she try to harm Fafnir because of it? No. Her mistress comes first before anything, including her own feelings and Neophyte is better off with Fafnir being healthy, Fafnir will be there with her- with them to help confront the Demon Lord, which, really, is her mistress’ biggest goal, and if Fafnir can help with that then there’s no point in harming her.

“And, why do you think that I’d just let that happen? Confronting her? Why?” Fafnir crossed her arms and scoffed, Zathania remained silent, “there’s nothing wrong with Neophyte missing a day of training, or even two of it, or three,” Fafnir’s glare met Laceresta’s, who by now was outright scowling at what the Dragon is saying, “if you think that I’ll simply sit down and let you push Neophyte around then there’s clearly something wrong with you,”

“She needs it!” Laceresta yelled back, angry at the fact that Neophyte isn’t going to train- and Zathania can understand, training would allow her mistress to live should she encounter another Demon but this is simply too much.

“No she doesn’t,” Zathania realized too late that it was she who spoke those words out loud and now… all eyes were on her, focused on her petite and miniature form, which was tiny compared to Fafnir’s scaley body and mentioning Laceresta is just unfair.

She averted her eyes and stared at the ground, she wanted to laugh at herself for not having enough conviction to tell Laceresta that she’s wrong, laugh at herself for being this weak. Why back down now? She already spoke up and in just a scant few moments, Laceresta’s gonna ask her about-

“And why is that?” She heard the Lioness say but Zathania remained silent, a growl entered her ears and then the sound of stomping- Zathania looked up and saw Laceresta now a few feet closer to her, the Lioness scowled, “I asked you a question-”

“Enough.” Fafnir cut into the conversation and Zath wanted to laugh at the irony of the person who took her place as Neophyte’s shoulder to cry on now defending her- even when she doesn’t- will never do the Dragon harm, Zathania hated- loathed- spited Fafnir, it happened once or twice, maybe a lot more than she could count or would want to admit, but that’s all the in the past isn’t it?

No.

No it’s not all in the past- she’s still angry at the fact that Fafnir took her place, that Neophyte willingly listened to the Dragon who suddenly came into her life instead of her maid, who has always been there- that Neophyte wanted to talk with someone who’ll provide replies and converse instead of letting out her frustrations at a silent, idiotic maid who for the life of her, couldn’t be bothered to talk back, only listen as her mistress bawled and cried and-

She’s also angry at herself, that much, Zathania is aware of, she hated herself for not being able to speak out, for not being able to find the words to say- all she can do is plan, know how to read others, but figure out how to use that knowledge for herself- be it in a good way to help her mistress or a bad one to push all her mistress’ enemies away - is a complete and utter mystery to her, she does not know how to properly utilize her ability to read people, how to lie better, how to act as the person who will willingly use tricks and poison for her master’s sake, for her mistress who simply could do no wrong.

To act as the person responsible for making her mistress’ life easy, to be the one who’ll silently take out those providing her harm behind her back- confrontation, more often than not, is something that no one wants to risk with Neophyte, but harming her behind her back?

That is the kind of game that nobles often play.

And despite being born a noble and learning as one, Zathania does not truly know how to play their games, court stuff, in some form, is hard for her to do. She can only act as a maid, she’s a good one, sure, but, is that what Neophyte needs right now?

The answer is no- Zathania Schema Phagea is well aware that her mistress has enemies surrounding her, has enemies who want to take her down and what can she do about it? Nothing. That’s what. She’s weak, pathetic, and absolutely unaware of what she can possibly do to mitigate any harm that comes Neophyte’s way because she is nothing more than a simple maid.

“I’m asking you a question,” Laceresta’s growl made Zathania focus back on the present and she eyed the Lioness, unsure of what to say, her thoughts were frozen- she was unprepared- “Why do you think is it a bad idea?” Laceresta shook her head, “sorry, why? Why doesn’t Neophyte need to train?”

Laceresta was asking a genuine question- Zathania realized that the Lioness wanted to know why Neophyte doesn’t need it, why it’s fine for her to take a break and since there’s no real aggression to it,  then it should be fine for her to answer right?..

“Because she’s trained all her life,” Zathania replied softly, her mistress had never really gotten the chance to enjoy herself, and both she and Fafnir knew that, it’s why they were fine with her coming back this late- sure, it runs the risk of her possibly finding some guy in the city but- but her mistress needs a break, and Zathania is willing to give that to her, “she- ever since she was a child she fought hard and persevered to train herself, make herself stronger until she’s bedridden, training has been everything in her life so far,”

“And that’s good isn’t it?” Laceresta questioned and for once, Zathania realized that the Lioness wasn’t being aggressive, she was keeping an open mind, she wanted to know if she was wrong or not, and Zathania could argue here, convince her that Neophyte needed a break. Get Laceresta off of her mistress’ back.

“No. No, it’s not.” Zathania shook her head.

“Why?” Laceresta snapped, anger clear in her face, “she’s becoming stronger-”

“Strength isn’t everything.” Zathania snapped back- this- this- Laceresta doesn’t understand because she’s a beastman, someone who values strength but what Neophyte did to herself was unhealthy, obsessive, and self-destructive.

Sure she became strong but at the cost of what? Everything else? If her siblings didn’t willingly go out of their way to talk to her would Neophyte even have a social life? Would she even have the ability to be other than a weapon?

Could she even talk to another person?

The answer is no, she wouldn’t- and for all her thoughts on the matter, for all her feelings about it, for all she wanted to yell and scream out at the Lioness that Neophyte is good enough- that she’s done enough- the maid… couldn’t find her words.

So she decided to be honest, “Neophyte is broken,” she admitted, to herself too for once- that particular fact has always been ignored by her- that her mistress is broken, she’s not right in the head, mentally unwell- so many words to describe her state and yet they all mean the same thing.

That her mistress has, and always been, nothing more than a hollow husk of a person.

Someone who wants nothing more than to repent.

Someone who’s obsessive.

“Broken? In what way is she broken? Neophyte is strong-” she felt herself getting angrier at each word that came out of Laceresta’s mouth, the way she spoke as though Neophyte’s state is the right one pissed Zathania off more than the Lioness could possibly ever imagine and her breaking point- her breaking point was close, “she defeated a Demon Duke, she’s doing well for herself-”

All of the maid’s anger dissipated just then-

And that, Zathania knew, was true, Neophyte was doing well for herself- that her obsession has sprouted into something so beautiful and kind- but- but- it’s not- it’s simply not right- Neophyte is obsessed and she’s ruining herself for the sake of her goal- ruining herself for the sake of fixing a past mistake that has been fixed-

But she- Zathania for all she is, couldn’t simply accept that so she lashed out- was it wise? No, she knew that for a fact- but was it relieving to do?

Yes.

“STRENGTH ISN’T EVERYTHING! HOW CAN YOU-” Zathania cut herself off. It wasn’t relieving- she thought it would be- she was just being stupid- lashing out like this- even Laceresta didn’t scream this loudly-

“Sorry-” she felt something warm run down her cheeks, she wiped it and stared at her hand- tears, she held back a whine- Neophyte never cried- never broke down all her life- she kept going- who is she to cry like this? To break down after screaming once?

She shook her head and met Laceresta’s gaze, and yet… despite her resolve, she found herself breaking- her voice cracking- like falling glass finally meeting the ground and shattering into a million pieces- Zathania broke… down-

“You weren’t there,” the damn broke and her tears were starting to fall, heating up her face and yet at the same time, clearing her brain-

“Every day.” She said, feeling memories wash down onto her thoughts, it wasn’t gentle, really, they came like a tidal wave and there were so many that Zathania had trouble reading them all, she didn’t know which one was which and none of them made sense.

“Every day.” She repeated twice, finding the words to say, “she would break herself, push herself to her limits- and was it good?” She shook her head, “it never was, you didn’t see someone break themselves bit by bit, and then dedicate themselves into doing it- all for the sake of fixing a mistake that was never their intention to begin with- you didn’t see my mistress cry herself to sleep, you didn’t hear her scream with her eyes closed from nightmares that you couldn’t see- let alone comprehend-”

Zathania wiped her cheeks, it didn’t do anything to dry them.

“You weren’t there to see her break herself into a hollow husk that does nothing but repeatedly push herself to tears with exercise until she was coughing. out. blood.” Zathania wanted to throw things, wanted to wrestle the stupid- she shook her head and let out a whine, “you didn’t see her do it over and over again every single day FOR YEARS-”

Laceresta looked down, guilt written on her face, “she didn’t have anyone to talk to did she?” She said, “father said that training isn’t always everything,” her voice was soft, lacking the aggression that would usually be found there, “and that I shouldn’t do it every day.”

“Well Neophyte did.” Zathania pushed out, “she did- no one to talk to?” She scoffed and let out a bitter laugh, “she had them- or at least her siblings tried, every day they would come to visit and I would be there, standing outside Neophyte’s doors to see my peers- fellow children hesitating to enter the room of someone they called a “weirdo” but were encouraged by their mothers to do it regardless- encouraged by their older siblings like Amber and Adamantite because they knew that their sister needed it, that she needed someone to talk to- a relief from EVERYTHING-”

Zathania shuddered- and again, she wiped her cheeks, her chest felt wet, soaked.

“I stood there, outside of that door, watching every day- I saw mistress Amber’s stress and worry, Lord Adamantite’s pity, and the hesitation of so many others-” She scowled and felt something warm drip down her fingers, she didn’t need to look down to see that it was blood- the small ache she was feeling was enough to let her know, “do you know how painful it was? To witness all of that and more every day?”

“No.” Laceresta said bluntly, “and I never will, I didn’t- still won’t understand,” she said, “because I never went through it.”

“Exactly.” Zathania found herself agreeing despite her anger, “you didn’t see any of it happen- feel the pity, see it on others, and then cry because you can’t do anything more than support your mistress- who spoke of so many things- so many- she had so much ambition and she was breaking herself to achieve her dreams!” Zathania raised her arms in surrender, “she’s so STUPID!”

She huffed and with a deep breath followed by a relieving sigh, Zathania shook her head and turned away from the other two, “screw this,” she said, “I’m gonna go to my room, don’t try to call me unless it’s something important,”

Zathania didn’t wait for the two to acknowledge her words and faced away from them, she walked to the door of her room and closed it as silently as she could- they could argue for all she cared, they could do whatever they wanted, Laceresta seemed aggressive enough and Fafnir… Fafnir is always capable isn’t she?

She’d bite back.

Or maybe none of that will happen-

She didn’t care.

Now safe in the confines of her room- Zathania let everything she’d been bottling run free, she wanted to scream, wanted to kill- DO WHATEVER- everything- so many things- she’s done her best hadn’t she?

… so why is it that everything just gets worse?

And not just overall- but selfishly- for herself as well.

Was this karma? Did the Goddess punish her for lying to the person she chose as the Saintess? Everything- and she meant everything since the day she lied against Neophyte, things have only gotten worse! Not only did her lie go worldwide (for some reason that’s still unknown to her,) Neophyte also found new people to talk to- to socialize with and- SHE COULDN’T BE ANY HAPPIER FOR HER MISTRESS BUT- BUT-

Zathania punched the wall and a dusty feeling washed over her fist, “why?” She asked through gritted teeth- what’s the cause of all of this?

Was it karma like she originally thought?

Oh- sure- fate- definitely- it’s fate that Neophyte managed to make a Pact with a Dragon, it’s fate that she somehow knew that a record breaking monster horde managed to- to- was forming in Flora’s biggest forest, it’s fate that she somehow won against a Demon Duke- It’s. All. Fate.

And going by that particularly ugly- for her at least, it doesn’t do anything to save- help her- she is being punished for lying to the person chosen by the Goddess, to the person who would one day become the Saintess- if not already is, - to the person who- who-

Who’s her mistress-

Zathania gritted her teeth- she’s so stupid isn’t she? Not at all thinking about what she wanted to do with herself- lying to the person she cared about the most?

“WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!” She snapped at her reflection- and the girl on the other side of the mirror stared back with an even angrier stare, “did you- did you think it was a good idea to lie to her?!” She called her Pledge and water and fire bobbled and flared to life around both gems, two rings, one hot and the other cold- the complete opposite of each other and yet, both provide an option of escape for her.

She could end it all now- not worry about anything anymore- her anger bubbled up- surfacing and muddying her thoughts-

“SO?!” She yelled and got no answer, “DID IT ALL WORK OUT?!”

“It could,” the reflection calmly replied, face the definition of serenity. It smiled, “it could,” Zathania scoffed at the pathetic attempt of the Envy Demon at manipulation, “it could all work out can’t it?”

The girl staring back at her was her reflection sure- she knew that much, she knew what she looked like- she knew that it was her- white skin, a pretty face whose nose was rimmed with glasses, and a height that could be described as average.

And yet…

“Fuck off.” She spat, “I don’t have time for your games,”

She raised her staff and slammed it at the mirror and when the Demon ran out, she froze the blood on its feet and glared at it, “my mistress taught me this trick,” she explained in a tone with a temperature that mirrored the state of the Demon’s feet… and its legs now too, she supposed.

“And- I don’t know,” she said, glaring at her copy, her clone- her inferior- this thing thinks she can take her place as Neophyte’s maid?

HA!

“She said it was possible and I believed her and she was right,” the sapphire of her staff started glowing into a hypnotically calming hue of blue, one of slowness, one of patience-

“I didn’t tell her that I could do it- that would just be stupid, I want to perfect it first, I want to turn someone into- well, I want to turn you into a sculpture made of ice so, will you be my willing test subject?” She offered it a warm smile, which for some reason twisted its expression into one of fear and when it was about to scream, Zathania froze its tongue, “don’t be like that, you wouldn’t be heard, trust me, I know- but it’s better if I do this, I don’t want you to scream throughout the entire thing that’ll just be too annoying,” she finished with a scoff.

The Demon begged- or at least she thought it did and in the end, Zathania nodded and agreed with its begging but she sadly couldn’t even fulfill its plea of turning it into a beautiful sculpture made of ice because the one that she made had veins and a beating heart.

Annoying.

But alas, her imposter wasn’t her mistress and failure doesn’t matter in the face of it.

She didn’t mind keeping it though, her room could use a bit more decoration after all.