The hero is now gone, but I’m still here, now what? (Undergoing editing)

 

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After talking to both my sisters I… thought that maybe spending a bit of time under the effects of Maximum Speed again was a good idea.

 

Why?.. I don’t know, just that I’m starting to be reliant on it, that’s the actual reason as for why I’m doing this, I’m starting to turn to it whenever I get stressed and well- now- now I'm here, on this frozen world once more.

 

It’s not like this is a bad thing, after all, I don’t have to pester anyone with my problems anymore and I’m finally- finally allowed to think about what’s been going on in my life all by myself- there was no maid watching over me, no sibling trying to talk to me- no one to screw with my thoughts.

 

I have a lot of issues, I know that- and I think that there’s nothing wrong with it- most of my problems, after all, stem from outside stuff rather than well, on me, which makes it kind of healthy- sort of? Sure, the start of everything could be boiled down to me being an idiot and killing the Hero but things have changed since then and now I’m no longer my biggest issue.

 

There’s so much more of it now. So many problems going on in my life that killing the Hero is just one of them-

 

But- BUT- the good thing is that I’m not the source of any of it this time!

 

Yayyyyyyyy……

 

I sighed, “stupid,”

 

I'm an idiot of the highest caliber. 

 

Why did I have to kill the Hero? Why- why me? Why let me keep my memories? Why let me do anything at all!

 

WHY- WHY- WHY- WHY-

 

I kicked the ground in frustration- I scowled- I kicked it again- I sighed, grit my teeth and let out a whine- the anger built back up and I kicked the ground- “kicked-” the soles of my foot met the ground- “stupid-” I raised my leg and did it again- “it’s called stomping-” I stomped the ground madly-

 

I let out a lungful of air and ran a hand through my hair- the headache that had been gnawing at the back of my mind was starting to dull now, my over-exertion finally stopping and allowing me to process the world in a slowed state again without straining myself- I chuckled and let out a sigh- I shuddered-

 

“FU-”

1. Am. Mad.

 

About so many things- so many problems- and the start would be the Hero’s death, wouldn’t it? The fact that I decided to kill him- no, the start is when I reincarnated with all of my memories, that I was born as more than just a baby.

 

That I was me.

 

Neophyte- the original, - would never kill the Hero would she? She would just be a regular old baby and would smile at him and wave shyly because she’s meeting a new person- she would be the childhood friend of the Hero, the person who would be his support while me? I became his murderer-

 

I started weeping- I bawled my hands into fists and as my tears fell from my face and touched the ground- I raised my fists and started punching the dirt- “why?” I wept, assaulting the earth as if it was the one at fault, “why me?!” I asked, hoping for an answer-

 

Just this once- please- Goddess I need your help-

 

I forced myself to stop crying, my body shuddering and my mouth letting out whimpers- no answer, as always she remains silent- elusive- mysterious in her ways- whatever everyone wanted to call it I- me- I- Neophyte Astral Everlast, the body thief, the murderer- had my own term for her inaction- oblivious.

 

Uncaring.

 

I hated it- hated everything that had to do with the Goddess’ plans and why I was involved with it- none of this was supposed to happen! The world would’ve been saved-

 

I felt something rise up my throat and I clutched my mouth and twisted my hand, my gripped tightened and I twisted my mouth- forcing it shut- zipping it close-

 

I started weeping and as my emotions came to a high, I wailed into my hand- “WHYYYY?!”

 

THERE WAS NO REASON FOR HER TO DO ANY OF THIS- FOR HER TO- TO-

 

I punched the ground. “FUCK!”

 

I punched it again- “WHY?!”

 

I just want an answer.

 

Please…

 

Please?

 

Nothing came- as always- nothing- it’s all silence- I huffed- “o-okay, fine,” I forced myself to calm down, bottled up my emotions, my voice cracked just now? No- no it didn’t, that was- I was just hearing things, my voice didn’t crack.

 

I looked up at the sky.

 

“Whatever- why- thank you for the second chance,” after I found the words I wanted to say, I did my best to put on a smile and I wondered, briefly, for a split second, how it looked and then my musings disappeared and I bowed, in gratefulness, “thank you for giving me a new life, really, thank you,”

 

That’s all I can say, is it?

 

Say, thank you to her for reviving me.

I don’t know- I probably do, but I… spent hours- not hours- I don’t know how long I spent walking around after that breakdown but… I did. I walked around- that’s what I did, nothing more, nothing less, I just- I walked around the fields, and into the forest and I- I thankfully didn’t encounter anyone- it was just fields of grass and trees and empty buildings- it was just me here, in this frozen world, with frozen animals, frozen water, frozen rivers, and unmoving droplets.

 

That last one, I think, looked beautiful as it fell from a green leaf- can you imagine being a water droplet? You’d- there would be no worry!

 

Imagine…

 

I called my Pledge and stared at it, “everyone reincarnates huh?” I murmured.

 

I looked up and… there, I saw a cloud- no- there’s something in front of me, hidden within the leaves and idly sitting on top of a branch is a tiny, little squirrel…

 

… being eaten by a bird. I don’t know what kind of bird but it’s eating the squirrel, and it was halfway through shaking its prey, with its head tilted and a shower of blood on either side of its head.

 

“Danger is ever present,” I said to myself, “it’ll always come,”

 

I recalled my Pledge and sighed, then slowly, I made my way to a tree and slumped against it, resting my back and all the metaphorical weight I was carrying on top of its trunk. Unlike the patch of dirt that I wrongfully abused earlier- which I know for a fact would erupt into a shower of upturned grass and well, dirt, once time goes back to normal - what I did to the tree just now is a mystery, I know I rested my back but I don’t know what’ll happen to this thing once time resumes, maybe it’ll tip over? Maybe it’ll end up fine?

 

I don’t know.

 

Does me casually resting my back in this state count as me slamming my back against the tree at super speed in real time?

 

Who knows?

 

All I know is that- it’s giving me peace right now and as my legs gave up and I slid down the tree trunk, I thought about more than just my reincarnation or even the Hero’s death, I thought about all my hard work and how I… pushed myself till collapse, till I was coughing blood, till I felt like I was about to die- till I ended up bedridden and then…

 

Thought some more- about how my hard work gave me strength and how strength gave me responsibility- caused others to put expectations on me-

 

I hated it. All of it.

 

A simple life? I- it was doomed from the fucking start!

 

I started laughing and in a moment of spite, clutched my face, hoping it'll stop the hysterics flooding out my mouth- my laughter slowly broke down till I wept- and the laughs continued breaking- turning into hiccups- I continued weeping- up until I was crying again- my forehead against my knees and my face against my thighs- I was crying-

 

Regret, really- I don’t know if that’s what I am feeling but it’s damn near close.

 

Like all things though, my regrets- still unsure if what I was feeling could be called anything at all really, am I guilty? Who the fuck knows? I definitely don’t. - died down as time passed until eventually, I was just… staring at the ground, numb to the world and completely oblivious to what was happening around me.

 

I spent time in that state- I don’t know for how long but I did, it felt like an eternity and maybe it was?

 

… I don’t know.

 

I think there’s an irony to it all- that the world had gotten a new Hero was the nail in the coffin to everything- now I wasn’t just holding the weight of expectations and responsibility from other people- I was also expecting and making myself responsible to be good, to be a better role model- to be more than the stupid girl who thought she had good ideas-

 

But before that- I can’t imagine how bad everything had gotten- no really, I made a Pact with Fafnir- which she initiated- no- it was my fault for not finding her to begin with- I thought she didn’t exist and so she spent all her childhood in those stables, all by herself and with no one but a bunch of judgemental stable hands who thought her useless- I only took responsibility for my mistake and I'll continue to do it, I'll continue to do my best to make Fafnir forget about her time in what might as well be a prison.

 

Going back to all of my escalating problems- I became stronger, discovered the new Hero, and then I- stopped her call from happening because what’s the point? The monsters would do nothing but destroy, Lucille already wanted to be a Slayer. She had motivation- a bad one, sure, but it was motivation regardless.

 

And that little feat- that achievement put more weight and responsibility over my head- more expectations from other people- so I followed suit and decided that I should put those expectations on myself and become responsible- and it worked, for a while- it's working now- I just have to put on a brave front when talking to Lucille and she won't know that I'm not as perfect as she thinks I am-

 

Then the thing I have always been preparing for happened- I fought and killed the Duke, and with no casualties on the student body no less! I couldn’t be prouder of myself but then…

 

All of that?

 

All of that led to the people- no- to the nobles targeting me, putting me on the forefront of their focus and now- now I’m stuck in this situation! Where I have more problems and- THEY JUST KEEP STACKING UP!

 

“Why?” I weeped.

 

I let out a tired sigh- every single time I try, I only get pushed back down- I hate this- why does everything have to be so complicated?!

 

I huffed- my nose felt like it was burning-

 

I started crying- how do I even have tears for this?

 

A joke- something funny, I think- is that a joke- it’s funny- see- everyone thinks- mistakes my denial as me what? Just being humble? Do they think I have imposter syndrome? I mean- I do- I think I do- but I can accept achievements! I know I’m powerful! I know I’ve done a lot but some things- SOME THINGS JUST AREN’T MEANT TO BE!

 

WHY?

 

I’M NOT THE SAINTESS AND I NEVER WILL BE!

 

STOP-

 

STOP FORCING IT ON ME-

 

I stopped clawing at my face and started wailing into both my hands- once again- my plea, although silent- fell on nothing but deaf ears.

 

Responsibility sucks- I came to realize that after I… I don’t know anymore- it- none of this makes sense, I hate my life, I hate everything that has to do with it- and I hate the fact that I have to take care of a Hero and be- be a part of a team that everyone expects would do great things- and the worse part is, they think I’m the leader!

I’M NOT A GOOD ONE!

 

DON’T YOU ALL SEE?!

 

I’M A MURDERER!

 

I slammed my forehead against my knees, “I. Hate. This.”

 

I called my Pledge and stood up, I stared at it- can I just end it all?

 

CAN I?!

 

YOUR PLANS?!

 

WHAT ABOUT-

 

JUST ONE-

 

ANSWER-

 

Nothing- always- there’s always nothing- it’s so painful- so annoying- no matter what I do, no matter what happens- I’ll always end up like this- just- be forced to endure the silence…

 

“Ha…”

 

“Haha…”

 

I hacked at the dirt, the poor- innocent- earth got to experience being cut by my Pledge-

 

Why don’t I just take a taste for myself? See how it feels to be on the other end of my blade?..

 

It was just a single moment- I felt angry- so much anger- and- and- my hand moved on its own- the blade of my Pledge met the skin of my neck and now- I'm bleeding- something warm was starting to drip down my neck-

 

Maximum Regeneration activated then and I felt myself being able to breathe.

 

I couldn’t do it- I have- there’s Zath, out there, Fafnir too, and Laceresta, they’re waiting for me- my siblings, father- the city- the people of the Flora and Fauna territories need my help- what will they think once I stopped giving them aid? What will I think of myself?

I need to atone for my sins.

 

Crust is an asshole- does he know what he’s doing to me?

 

He doesn’t care. Does he?

 

I started laughing- “I want this all to end,”

 

My knees buckled from my weight and I fell down- and like so many times before, I grabbed my face and started crying.

 

Personally- I think there are a lot of good things in my life, you know, like, uhm- well, like my siblings, all of them, no matter how varied and who their mother is, support me, they always knew that I would do good things and throughout the course of our lives, they’ve been supporting me, giving me aid- everything and anything-

 

I’m stupid. I think- I really am- did I really just ignore Adamantite?..

 

Wow…

 

I need to fix it at some point, I’ll try to find him tomorrow- Yeah, tomorrow- first thing that I’ll do is go to his suite- or wait for him at the bottom of the tower and then apologize- tell him that I’m a Prophecy, pretend that I’m the Saintess just so that I can finally give him a peace of mind- after all, Saintesses- any Prophecy really- none of them can become rulers within Everlast.

 

And that rule exists because… well, with the Crown being determined by both political cunning and personal power, a Prophecy joining in the fight for succession would simply be unfair- no, I’m gonna go ahead and pretend to accept the fact that I'm the Saintess and would, - by Everlast law, - have to raise a Kingdom from scratch.

 

Even though I don’t want to.

 

So, my siblings are great- all of them are! And I think that making them sad because I took my own life is a bad idea.

 

I smiled wryly, “you’re being sentimental you dumb-” I giggled.

 

It sounded mad.

 

“Haaaa….” I sighed and as the air left my nose, I felt a pang of lightheaded numbness replace the ache eating away at my skull.

 

The people too- I think, they need me, they- they see me as someone who serves as proof that mistakes? Well- mistakes can be fixed- they’re doing their best because of me and I hate that particular fact- that they're looking at me like some sort of role model to be followed but you know what?..

 

I’m fine with it- I’ll be their role model no matter how much I hate it- I’ll be- I’ll do great things- keep their morale up and their belief that humanity won’t end going.

 

I’ll be the princess they want me to be.

 

The princess that they think I am.

 

Castella and her friends, Korbinian, Prescine, Karsten- all the people I know, the ones who wouldn’t want me to kill myself are… expecting me not to- will be sad when I do it- and- I hate the thought of just- disappointing them- I want to keep going.

 

I shook my head- so many people- so many lives- and all of it rests on me- how the hell did the past heroes deal with this?

 

They didn’t- is the proper answer, they just had to kill the Demon Lord, nothing more, nothing less.

 

I feel jealous of them.