The Broken Prince's Love

The door closed behind her, and Lucille felt like her legs gave in at that very moment. She barely turned around, and her back already collided with the door. She managed to hold herself up for a few seconds before she slowly slid to the floor.

What had that been just now? Cedar had kissed her forehead a few seconds ago.

Apparently, that was enough to make her brain stop working. Her head felt so warm that she would have liked to pour cold water over it, and her heart had made it its task to pound so hard that it might as well leap out of her chest. Cedar had always had a strange effect on her, but this was ridiculous. She couldn't even stand anymore and just sat on the floor like a quivering mess. What was wrong with her? This wasn't a good reaction, was it?

Lucille almost felt like her heart would explode, and yet, a wide grin formed on her face as she hugged herself.

Cedar had kissed her.

Surely, it wasn't a real kiss on the lips, but wasn't this enough evidence? He had to care about her. He had rushed in before his mother could do anything and had brought Lucille to her room so that she could calm down. And then he had kissed her.

Lucille's hands slowly wandered up to her head, and she pressed her fingers against her forehead. Her skin still tingled where he had touched her. It was almost ridiculous how such a single motion caused her to be completely on edge. Lucille could barely calm herself down and just sat there while her mind began overthinking everything. She had to admit that her mind was in utter disarray.

She wanted to talk to Cedar about this. But of course, she wouldn't dare to utter a single word even if she would like to confirm whether he felt the same strange thing she felt. There was no way that she could simply go to him and ask him whether he always got nervous when they were together too.

Lucille pulled her knees to her body and rested her head on her legs until she realized that she was sitting on the dirty floor in her pretty dress. She jumped up, and immediately, a wave of nausea came over her so that she took a moment to balance herself again. She worried about the wound on her stomach for a second, but it didn't hurt, much like it hadn't for a while now. So, she forgot about it again.

She stumbled over to the bed and let herself fall backward so that she hit the mattress. What was wrong with her? Lucille was too shaken because of a little kiss, and that proved that she had lost this game already. Hadn't she promised Fiona that she wouldn't let down her guard around Cedar? Well, she hadn't kept that promise for long.

Lucille turned around to press her face into the pillow and let out a small sigh. Her stomach still churned so that it wouldn't be surprising if she ended up staying in bed for longer.

What a liar she was. She hadn't just told Fiona a lie but also Raymond. Just today, an hour ago, she had spoken to her father about this, and he had warned her. And yet, she couldn't bring herself to seriously think about what he had said. His claims had all made sense, but she hadn't been able to do anything but find arguments to prove him wrong in her mind. There were so many reasons not to be with Cedar but so many more to be with him.

But was she even able to think about this logically at the moment? Lucille held still for a moment as she recounted the conversation with her father.

The first thing Raymond had said to her had been logical, as well as the whole rest. “You are young, Lucille. Young and inexperienced. You have never dealt with relationships, have you?”

She had been forced to nod at that.

Her father had immediately continued. “Then you should understand that this is moving too fast. You may just be over-interpreting things. You've always been immersed in romance novels, so it wouldn't be strange for you to see romance when there isn't one to be found. I won't forbid you from...doing this. But I want you to think about what is happening before you just go along with what he tells you.”

Lucille hadn't been sure what to say about that. What she and Cedar had wasn't just friendship. It was plain to see what a kiss meant, even if it had been one on her forehead. She wasn't imagining this. And of course, she wasn't being forced. She wanted to be Cedar's friend, but she also wanted more than that, if she was even qualified to ask for that. But naturally, she hadn't dared to say that. She had just weakly protested.

Then Raymond had become a bit more upset. He hadn't been angry at her, luckily, but he had shown that he wasn't pleased while explaining his reasoning to her. “His Royal Highness isn't...the type of person you can trust. I wouldn't rely on him being honest. He might as well just be playing with you for his own amusement. Or he wants to gain something from this, even though I'm not sure what our family can offer him. I want you to be careful. You need to keep in mind that this all might just be a game to him.” It seemed like both Raymond and the dowager empress questioned why Cedar was with a viscount's daughter.

Lucille couldn't believe that everything was fake, even when two people told her that it might be. She believed in Cedar. She had noticed that he hated being vulnerable. And yet, he had shown her what he was thinking about and had been open about his feelings to some extent. They had spent the whole night cuddling, so it was obvious that he didn't dislike her. She could rely on him truly caring for her.

With that, she finished her recollection of the conversation and still came to the same unsatisfying result.

Lucille scanned the room before turning her head to press her face into the pillow again. Was this a serious thing? She was definitely in love with Cedar. But was it really possible for her to become happy this way?

She unwillingly thought back to her father's words.

“And if you are certain about all of this, you still need to think about the future. I won't rush you, but you need to marry at some point. I know that... No. I hope that you aren't content being someone's mistress. So, you would need to marry him if you are serious about this. Do you think that he is willing to wed you? You need to be sure of that if you want to continue like this.”

Lucille knew that her father was right. She didn't have any desire to be someone's second choice nor did she want to share the person she cared about. But could she really become the wife of a prince? Wasn't she being too presumptuous right now? Surely, the emperor had married a commoner, so he probably wouldn't forbid his brother from marrying a viscount's daughter. And then most nobles also wouldn't be able to complain.

But still, Lucille was skeptical. Was Cedar prepared to marry her? Did he even want her? She wouldn't force him to do something that made him unhappy. But marrying a person she got along with well sounded rather good. She couldn't come to a conclusion.

And thankfully, her father had understood that too. “As I said, I will not keep you away from him, even if I would favor doing so. I'm only asking you to think about this for a bit longer. Especially if you consider...doing something that might not be reversible.” Raymond had looked so serious while saying that.

Lucille flipped around on her bed again and stared at the ceiling. She didn't want to remember what the dowager empress had said to her, but it worried her a lot. Maybe Cedar really just liked her because she was kind to him. But wasn't that why most people cared for others? Because they were being treated kindly in return? It was logical to spend time with those who were kind and then feelings of friendship, and more, could develop.

So, his past had nothing to do with Cedar really caring about her. Just because she was the first person who showed him compassion, that didn't mean that she was manipulating him in some way, right?

Lucille pulled her legs to her body and pressed her lips into a thin line. What if she was unwillingly forcing him to come closer to her by being the only person who was affectionate with him? Wouldn't that be horrible? Lucille cut her thought process off when she remembered one little issue with that idea.

Cedar had been shown affection by others. It had been a strange one that was supposed to manipulate him, and Lady Peril had shown him some disgusting attention while veiling it as affection too. And yet, Cedar had never been drawn to that. He had even pointed out that his mother wasn't as kind as she pretended to be. He didn't react to all kindness by clinging to it. He seemed to notice whether it was genuine.

That relieved Lucille a bit. But she couldn't think about that much anyway. She heard a knock at the door and quickly climbed out of bed to open up. As soon as she saw Cedar's face, she was overcome by embarrassment, but that didn't last long. In an instant, that emotion was replaced with anger.

He had only spoken to his mother for a few minutes, right? What had that woman done to upset him this much in under half an hour? Cedar's smile was much brighter than normal, as if he was desperately clinging to it, but the emotion in his eyes betrayed him. He wasn't even hiding it as well as usual, which only proved that he was angrier than he had been in a while.

Lucille didn't need to ask whether he wanted to come in. She opened the door and closed it behind him before hugging him.

For a moment, Cedar just stood there without doing anything. But then his arms circled her body in return, and he leaned against her. Like this, she didn't see his face, but that wasn't necessary when she could feel how tense he was just by embracing him.

Lucille slowly steered them toward the sofa and tried to coax him into sitting. At some point, she managed to do just that, which ended up with her sitting on his lap. She had to admit that this was already embarrassing to her again, but she didn't have time to ponder that. She needed to focus on consoling Cedar now. For a while, she just sat there in silence before speaking in a quiet voice. “Did something bad happen?”

Cedar let out a small huff before responding. “You could say that. Actually, nothing much happened, but that was enough to upset me. Talking to anyone else would have been fine, but...it had to be her.” He slowly lowered his head and rested his forehead in the crook of her neck. “I...react sensitively when she is there. So, I try to keep her at a distance, and still...” The fact that he admitted that already meant that he trusted Lucille a lot.

She tightened her hold on him, which wouldn't have been necessary considering the fact that he was already clinging to her. Still, she refused to let go and whispered back to him. “You don't have to see her for now. She can't enter the palace unless she has permission, right? So, it will be fine for the next few weeks. You can calm down before she comes back.”

“I wish that was the case. I'm never calm when I see her. Her presence is...nauseating.” That was easy to believe. Cedar had probably suffered much more upon seeing his mother than Lucille had, and just a few lines from Camille had been enough to make Lucille understand that.

The dowager empress had effectively ruined Cedar's life because she raised him with that kind of personality. Camille seemed to think that her son belonged to her and wouldn't give up on him for as long as she was alive. But now that he was trying to get away from her, she wouldn't sit there quietly.

Lucille stroked over Cedar's head a few times. Judging by the way that he held onto her, he didn't want her to see his face, so she would just talk to him like this while hugging him closely. “I...only spoke to her for a moment. But I know what you mean. She's...a force to be reckoned with. But she's also a horrible person. I only listened for the most part, and that was awful enough. She said so many bad things about you for no reason. And she made it sound like you were obliged to act exactly as she wanted it to. It's terrible.” She hated Camille. It was rare that she judged a person that harshly after only speaking to them once, but the verdict here was clear.

Cedar let out a small chuckle again. “I know. She does think I owe her. I've always done what she said, so that wasn't an issue before. But now...” He took a deep breath before resuming. “She still believes that it will continue like this without exceptions. She is convinced that I will follow the slightest movement of her. She probably counts the days until I will cave in. My mother doesn't believe that I will really turn away from her. She thinks that she can lull me into returning to her with some hugs and nice words again.” He sounded much too bitter while saying that.

Lucille carefully ran her fingers through his hair while trying to give him some sort of comfort. “But you know that isn't true. You used your own strength to come this far. Holding on will be much easier than taking the first step was.”

The prince shook his head. It was barely more than a slight gesture, but it was enough to show what he was truly thinking. “It will be much harder. Because actually pushing her out of my mind is much worse than trying to ignore her presence. If I act like she isn't there, it will work, but then I will lose in some way. I need to be able to endure her presence, even if she is right next to me. But the fact that she is so confident annoys me. It feels like she ridicules my efforts in some way. Doing this wasn't...easy. I mean, it wasn't as hard as I imagined it to be, but I guess that was because of you. Still, I didn't like doing it. In the end, Mother is the person who raised me and made sure that I would long for her affection, no matter what. Right now, I'm holding on, but I'm...” He paused for a moment before adding something in a much lower volume. “Worried about giving in.”

Lucille could hear that he hated himself for saying that. But he had also told her that he thought that her presence helped him, and that was all she needed. She tightened her hold on him and pressed her chin on his shoulder while whispering back. “You are much stronger than you think you are. That you are here tells me that much. You may need some time to draw the line, but I am sure that you will leave this behind you soon.”

Cedar breathed out a small response. “I hope so too.”

He said that without thinking about it much, but the current situation proved how hypocritical Lucille was. She herself hadn't gotten over her mother leaving her behind yet either. It had been over a decade, and she still longed for some kind of sign from her lost parent. Yet, she would argue that there was a difference. After all, her mother had never manipulated and abused her. Her father might have done horrible things, but even he had never reached the level of what Camille had to have done to her child.

That thought was enough to make Lucille grit her teeth. She was silent for a moment before she forced herself to say it. “I'm...sorry for comparing our parents when we met. I see some similarities, but...my father isn't nearly as...” Cruel and insane as Cedar's mother was. Raymond had insisted that Lucille owed something to the family, but he had never claimed to own her and said that she had to live for him. He also wasn't trying to kill the people she spent time with.

Cedar was quiet for a few seconds before he lifted his hand and stroked over Lucille's head. “I don't mind. I see the similarities too. You couldn't have known what she is like. She may have hysteric fits in public, but she always held back the full extent of her hatred when she wasn't alone with the people she despised. I'm sorry for putting you in a dangerous situation. I knew that being with me would hurt you sooner or later. And I knew that Mother would try to approach you too. I just didn't expect her to do it so quickly, so I didn't keep an eye on you during the tea party. I looked away for a minute, and you were gone. I should have warned you about leaving with other people.”

Lucille quickly shook her head, only to stop when she noticed that she was just forcing Cedar to lift his head off her shoulder with that. “That's not your fault. I mean... I should have questioned it when that girl brought me to a seating room and disappeared into thin air. But I wasn't sure what to think about her, so I just assumed that she really needed help. I will be more careful from now on. And maybe it was good that I met your mother now. I can't avoid the dowager empress forever.” She would have been forced to see Camille at some point anyway. At least if she wanted to stay close to Cedar, which was Lucille's intention.

Cedar was silent for a short moment. “Maybe. I still would have preferred it if you hadn't been forced to talk to her. As you saw, she isn't really...rational when it comes to the people around her having relationships. She hated Althea and also despises Her Majesty because they were with Father and Theodore. Now that I spend time with you, she is putting you in the same category. That means that you can expect her to treat you horribly. Especially since you refuted what she said. I wish I would have been with you to make sure that she doesn't lie too much. She probably...” He was quiet for a few seconds. At first, it seemed like he wanted to continue, but he cut himself off.

Lucille waited for a bit, and when nothing came, she stroked over his hair again. “It's fine. She just yelled at me a bit.”

“That's the problem. You can't take yelling, right? You hate it when other people get loud.”

Lucille would have liked to deny that, but she couldn't. She truly hated it when others raised their voice. She always got defensive and cowered then. Normally, this ended with her shrinking in herself and not being able to keep herself from crying. But this time had been different. Of course, she had ended up being scared too, but it hadn't been very noticeable, and she had managed to respond. Only because she had been fueled by anger though.

She shuffled around a bit to lean forward and wrapped her arms around Cedar's neck. “That wasn't the worst part. I think that she told me that I was trying to use you was worse. She accused me of wanting to be empress, and when I told her that wasn't true, she just talked about how I was like Althea and Her Majesty.”

Cedar took a moment longer to react, which almost made it seem like he was thinking about something, but then he replied. “Of course, she would. And then she twists the truth until they seem like the bad ones. It would be best if you...just forgot everything she told you. Because I will do my best to forget too. She said some very strange things, and I don't need to repeat that to myself.”

Lucille weakly nodded at him. “She said nothing but lies anyway. I didn't believe anything she said.” At least none of the bad things Camille had said about Cedar. That the dowager empress was completely insane was the only part that Lucille would remember.

Cedar muttered his response before burying his face in her neck. “Good.”

None of them had much to say after that, and they only sat there together.

Lucille spoke up at some point when she felt like they had had enough time to calm down a bit. She rearranged the words in her mind a couple of times until she was content and opened her mouth then. “I know that it doesn't help much, but I'm here to support you. You can come to me and talk whenever you want. I can't do anything aside from that, but I would like to offer you every bit of help you can get. I know that it isn't much and...” She could swear that she felt Cedar smile against her skin.

He replied in a barely audible voice. “Thank you. That is more than enough. You help me more than you can imagine.” He stayed quiet after that.

Lucille suspected that he would spend the night here again with them sleeping together in each other's arms. She didn't mind that. Even if it only confused her poor heart even more than it had previously been.

She still didn't know what they would do from now on or what exactly all of this was. But she knew that she wanted to stay at Cedar's side to help him. They would find out what the future held for them together.