The Broken Prince's Love

It had been two days since she had seen Cedar.

Lucille had almost expected him to stand in front of her room the day after the trial to ask her to eat with him, but he hadn't done that. He also hadn't asked whether he could sleep in her room again. In fact, he hadn't asked her anything since she hadn't even caught a glimpse of him during the past two days. Of course, she hadn't been happy about that when she had actually wanted to discuss this with him properly.

This seemed rather important to her, so Lucille had tried to force a conversation. She had stood in front of Cedar's room to knock multiple times. No one had ever opened. She wondered whether he had ignored her or whether he simply hadn't been there, or whether she might have been too gentle with her hesitant knocking. But either way, that didn't mean that her desire to see him had gotten smaller.

She wasn't sure whether she was the only one feeling like this, but she missed Cedar more with every day. Apparently, he didn't feel the same since he didn't visit her or ask for her to meet him.

Lucille was much more upset about that than she should have been. Her chest always felt constricted, and breathing was harder than usual. Whenever she had a moment without something to do, her thoughts wandered back to her lover, and she felt the urge to cry. Tears had pricked in her eyes much too often already.

Even Blanche and her maids could do little about the other woman being in a bad mood constantly. The empress truly gave her best to cheer Lucille up, but it only helped for a short amount of time. She hinted at the fact that Lucille should go talk to Cedar a couple of times, but she only received a curt nod as a reply. After a day, Blanche quickly got worried, and she became more direct in her instructions. She insisted on Lucille needing to talk to Cedar now. She was right about that.

In the end, even Lucille accepted that it might not be good for her to stay in this depressing state for much longer. But she wasn't sure how to approach Cedar directly when he didn't even want to see her.

Thus, Theodore's invitation to come to his office arrived just in time.

Lucille was a bit nervous to enter the emperor's office on her own, but she couldn't deny that she was itching to talk about Cedar. When she came in, she was a bit disappointed not to spot her lover. But she was calmed a little bit by the fact that she wasn't met with a stern expression but with a little smile.

Theodore didn't seem angry but looked like he just wanted to have a soothing conversation. He greeted her immediately after she came in. “Good afternoon, Lucille. I hope that I did not interrupt you with my sudden invitation.” He stood up and moved over to the seating area. “Please take a seat.” He gestured to one of the sofas before sitting down on the other one.

Lucille complied without thinking much about it. She fiddled with her hands on her lap and tried to swallow her nervousness. It made no sense for her to be so worried, but maybe she was just hoping for Theodore to invite Cedar too so that they could have their conversation. In any case, she wanted to discuss this matter so that she could finally spend time with Cedar again.

Theodore remained silent for a moment before he spoke up in a gentle tone. “You don't have to be worried about this. I won't get involved in this matter. I am just trying to mediate a little. You may drink some tea if you wish to.” He gestured to the table, where two cups of tea had already been prepared.

Lucille would have liked to accept, but she was probably too nervous to drink properly at the moment. “Thank you. I will drink something...later.” She wanted to say more, but she couldn't bring herself to do it.

A few seconds passed in silence.

It seemed like Theodore gave her a chance to speak, and when she didn't use it, he opened his mouth. “Please excuse me for being so direct. You seem rather dejected.” So, it was that obvious?

Lucille hadn't slept well during the past few days. Whenever she was lying in bed, she couldn't help but miss Cedar hugging her like he had done when they fell in love. In just a few weeks, she had gotten used to him being with her while she slept. Now that she was trying to sleep alone, it didn't work well. Since she barely slept during the night and was constantly in a bad mood during the day, it should be obvious that she wouldn't be successful in hiding her true emotions.

Lucille averted her eyes while she replied. “I...have to admit that I haven't felt my best. Thank you for your concern.”

This time, Theodore didn't wait long before he addressed the issue directly. “I assume that this is because of your situation with Cedar, right? You two haven't talked it out yet.”

Obviously, they hadn't. If Lucille had had the chance to speak with Cedar, she would have tried to get this out of the way already. Surely, she was still a bit hurt, mainly because of his involvement in the plot that had killed the people in her home. He hadn't planned on risking their lives though, so she was willing to talk about this. She also hated the fact that he had tried to gain her sympathy while using her parents, but she wouldn't hold it against him. Back then, they hadn't been close. Everything after she had been hit with the arrow hadn't been connected to the plan, so she could assume that Cedar had been honest with her from this point onward. He had claimed that he had liked her even before that, so their relationship should be alright as long as they talked about it once.

But Cedar hadn't visited her and hadn't opened his door whenever she had come to him. For some reason, he hadn't had the desire to discuss this with her. And knowing that was a bit hurtful.

Lucille gazed down at her lap and balled her fists. She tried to speak in a normal volume, but she was rather quiet. “We haven't. He didn't come to see me in the past days. I thought that...he might want to talk about this, but he just...avoided me. I don't know whether this means that he doesn't want to talk about it or whether he...”

Theodore replied not even a second later. “Do you care about your relationship?” What a question that was.

That made her lift her head. “Of course.” She loved Cedar.

Theodore met her gaze calmly and spoke in a tone that almost made it sound like he was trying not to upset her. “He feels the same way. You can't expect him to not care when you do care and don't know how to approach this either.”

Lucille felt how her fingernails dug into her palms. She would have liked to open her fists, but she couldn't bring herself to do so. She was tense. She might even be so tense that she was shaking a little bit. All because she was scared of Cedar possibly not wanting to fix this as much as she did. But that didn't fit his usual behavior at all.

If Cedar didn't let her see his face, she assumed that it was because he felt guilty. That thought hurt as well.

Theodore saw that as his cue to continue. “Cedar definitely didn't lock himself in with a bunch of documents for two entire days because he doesn't care. It's rather because he cares and is extremely upset. Don't make assumptions about him being indifferent when you know better. He showed you that you are important to him countless times. The more upset he is, the more he hides away because he doesn't want his facade to crack. When the desire to do that is greater than his wish to hide that he is affected by this, it means that he is really upset. That is one reason why he isn't going out at the moment. I would say the other one is that he thinks that you don't want to see him.” That didn't make sense.

Cedar had told her that he wanted her to sleep once before she began worrying about it. Hadn't that meant that he wanted to discuss it with her?

Lucille had been sure that this was what he had been referring to. “Why would I not want to see him? We need to talk about this.”

Theodore replied while he leaned against the backrest of the sofa. “I presume that he does want to talk about it. But he won't act on his wishes. Instead, he is leaving the decision to you. You not wishing to see him would be enough of a reason for him to never step into your field of view again. It may be hard to explain, but Cedar is a bit...sensitive when it comes to things like this.” He paused for a moment and grabbed the cup off the table.

Lucille could only watch him as she tried to understand whatever she could learn about her lover's way of thinking.

Theodore drank some tea before he resumed. “You probably heard that Cedar always tried to impress Father when he was young. I think he started as soon as he could talk, but Father never paid much attention to him. Still, Cedar came almost daily. Sometimes, because he wanted to show Father something he had made or because he wanted to propose some political idea. He was ignored completely either way. He continued his usual routine nonetheless. Until he was six or so. I think it was a rather stressful day. In any case, Father was more harsh in saying that he didn't have time to busy himself with something unimportant. And suddenly, a switch was flipped. Cedar just smiled and retreated like always. We didn't notice that anything had changed. However, from the very next day onward, Cedar didn't come anymore.”

Lucille could already guess where this story would go.

Theodore paused again and stared into the distance as if he was thinking back to that time. “Since that day, Cedar suddenly appeared much less frequently in my field of view. At first, I thought that it was a coincidence. It would have been logical for me to see him less when he didn't come to the office to see Father anymore. But that wasn't everything. I later noticed that Cedar often took detours to avoid going past the office. I wasn't sure what to think about that back then. But a few months after that, I understood why he did that. I'm not sure whether it was what I had said or what Father had said. But Cedar had heard something about us wanting him to leave us alone so that we could work. He didn't just see that as a message for that day but a general wish. So, he did his best to refrain from bothering us. After that day, he didn't ever visit Father without being asked to come again unless he needed to mediate between the former dowager empress and Father.”

Lucille didn't even want to imagine what a six-year-old had to think about being ignored by their father. Hearing the story was bad enough. An unpleasant tingling in her stomach kept her from calming down. “That's horrible. Your father shouldn't have treated him like that.”

“I know. And believe me when I say that a part of me hates him, and myself, for neglecting Cedar like that.” Theodore kept his eyes on her while he spoke, but he didn't pause for her to catch up with him this time. “But focus on my brother now. Like I said, Cedar is extremely sensitive to small hints you may give off without wanting to. That is because he is used to balancing on a thin line around his mother at all times. He is able to pick up on the smallest indications of anger and can intervene immediately. But this will also lead to him over-interpreting things. You just have to voice something small without thinking about it, and he may see it as you telling him that you want him gone. And if he thinks that you don't want to see him, he will do his best to stay away from you as far as possible. I assume that this is the situation here too. If you want to talk, you need to go to him, or he will keep hidden in his room.”

Lucille's heart clenched painfully when she heard that. She didn't want Cedar to feel bad about this. She already felt bad enough, so he didn't need to be upset too. “I did visit, but no one opened. It makes me worry. Our relationship is still fine. It's just that we need to talk about this once. Why is he this worried already?” She could guess the reason, but that was an unpleasant thought.

Her question had been rhetorical, but Theodore answered it anyway. “Cedar is the type of person to blame himself when things go wrong. If something bad happens, he will definitely keep thinking about that for months. When he broke that woman's arm, he also felt guilty, right? He has always been like that. Sometimes, he even sees things as mistakes that might not have been ones. You know that his mother always blamed him for everything. Cedar was at fault for her, no matter what. Then he was forced to apologize over and over again until his mother finally accepted his plea. Of course, he would relentlessly blame himself for doing something that made you upset even now.”

Lucille had really been upset. But this was nothing unsolvable. A single conversation could have cleared everything up. She pressed her lips together while trying to come up with something she should respond with. “I understand that, but...I'm not like his mother, who would lose her temper and yell at him. I just had to think about this for a bit, and now everything is fine. I mean, I'm not happy that that happened, but we can't change that anymore. And I care about him, so I wouldn't stay mad because of something like this for long. That... That...” Whatever that plan had truly been. “That plot was only important in the beginning, and after that, he didn't care about it anymore. He just needs to confirm that to me and explain himself.”

To her surprise, Theodore quickly nodded. “Indeed. There would have been no need to spend time with you after coming here if his only reason was manipulating you. But he took care of you afterward and did things like hugging you. You should know that he hates touching other people. You are different. Cedar takes a long time to open up, but he definitely cared about you when you came here already. I saw his expression when he carried you inside, so you can believe me.”

Lucille remembered Cedar's expression upon seeing that she had been hit with an arrow too. He hadn't smiled then. He had looked at her in absolute terror. He had wanted to be injured after all, and she had just jumped in front of him. After that, he had carried her to the palace so that she could get treated here. Surely, he had cared then. He hadn't seen her as just a playing piece to gain him victory. He had really worried about her well-being.

Lucille hugged herself while she lowered her gaze again. “I...know. And I know that he likes me now, and I like him back. So, everything should be fine. It would be alright if he just said that he was sorry once. I believe him when he said that the attack wasn't supposed to hurt anyone and that he might have used everyone in that house but didn't wish us anything bad.” After all, she herself had noticed that Cedar had always had an unbreakable wall around him when they interacted with each other for the first few times. When they had come to the palace, this wall had been broken down to some extent. That might have been when he had stopped seeing her as someone he merely used.

Theodore gave her a moment to think about her own words before he replied. “Maybe there is something else to this. Of course, Cedar didn't tell me about this. I have to admit that I make assumptions about what he thinks most of the time. But I feel like he never really liked himself much. His mother always reminded him that he was unlovable and that he shouldn't have been born when she was angry. He might know that she isn't sane, but a part of him accepts what she told him as the truth. He believes that he doesn't deserve to strive for his own happiness. He lived to make his mother happy before, and for the past months, he probably saw your safety and satisfaction as the most important thing. So, he will put your wishes above his and swallow his own feelings.” That was awful.

Lucille loved Cedar, so she didn't want him to serve her in any way. She lifted her head and met the emperor's gaze while a slight frown formed on her face. “But that's not what I want at all. I want him to be happy too. He isn't just supposed to be with me because I-”

Theodore cut her off with a small hand gesture. “Oh no. You misunderstood me now. He enjoys things too. I feel like he finally learns that he can do something to make himself happy at the moment. He definitely is happier with you than he ever was before. You can be sure of that. What I meant to say is that he will want you to be happy more than he wants to claim his happiness for himself. If he comes to the conclusion that he isn't making you as happy as you could be, he will blame himself. He sees himself as someone who can't understand what others around him feel. He believes that his emotions are different because he never really was allowed to show them much in his childhood and even suppresses them now. That's why he is reluctant to interact with other people. And that may be why he worries about you too.”

Lucille knew that. Cedar had already told her that. Her lover had chosen less direct words, but he had claimed the same. But there had never been a moment in which his kiss hadn't felt passionate or when his embrace hadn't been loving. Cedar gave more affection than he knew about. Lucille could attest to that. “But Cedar isn't unable to give affection. He is a wonderful person, and I've seen him treat so many people with kindness. He isn't nice to me only, but I can tell best. Cedar never once made me feel like he didn't care about me. He always did his best to show me that he cares. Why doesn't he notice that too when it's so obvious to me?” Her words had more been for herself, but she had ended up saying them out loud anyway.

Theodore replied a moment later. “Cedar doesn't think that he is enough. He's been told that he was supposed to reach someone else's level for his whole life. His goals have been extremely hard to obtain from the very beginning. His mother and his teachers demanded much more of him than a normal child should have been able to present. He was much better than almost everyone else, and yet, he never received much praise. He has high standards, and this also applies to his personal life. He doesn't think that he can make you as happy as others could. In addition, he thinks that he is a bad influence on others. I'm not sure whether that is because of what his mother told him to keep him from finding friends or because he worries about his breakdowns despite never having had one in the past years. Maybe it's both. In any case, he is convinced that you only like him because you didn't see him in his bad moments. And a few days ago, you found out that he had a rather unkind goal in the beginning. If you don't see him now, he will assume that it's because you realized that he wasn't like you imagined him to be. He might fear that you don't like him anymore.”

Lucille liked Cedar way too much to change her mind about him so quickly. “That's nonsense. I love him. I'd never let go of what we have so quickly.”

Theodore drank some of his tea again before he replied. “I wouldn't know since I wasn't always there when that woman yelled at him. But I heard enough and can assume that his mother said even worse things to him when they were alone. That makes me believe that she might have told him some rather...unpleasant things regarding him making mistakes. He mentioned his triggers at least once, right?”

“Yes. He said that his mother used them against him.”

Theodore nodded back at her. “Exactly. The worst one was always Camille saying that she was disappointed in him. When Cedar didn't do what she wanted him to, she would blame him for not doing it until he changed his mind. From what I noticed, that also included her telling him that she didn't love him, that he shouldn't have been born and that she wouldn't ever care about him unless he did what she demanded. If he made a mistake, she would be just as harsh. As expected, this kind of treatment from the person who claims to love him would leave its marks over the years. What I am trying to say is that Cedar's mindset is that love is based on what he can do for others. To him, messing up is equal to provoking other people's hatred. He might really worry about whether you hate him now because of this.”

Lucille knew that too. She had never said anything that could make Cedar believe that her love was so shallow though, right? Or had she said something that could be misunderstood? Lucille found herself replaying her memories in her mind before she shook her head. “But that's completely wrong. I never said that I hated him. I love him, so obviously, I wouldn't suddenly turn away from him because of something his mother said. Of course, I would want to talk about this and make up.” Her voice was so shaky that she could barely bring herself to finish the words that were resting on the tip of her tongue.

Theodore's expression was rather grim by now. “For you, that might be obvious. But to him, love was the opposite of unwavering until now. It was dependent on whether he managed to satisfy Camille's whims in time. Cedar is used to living for someone else. He certainly loves you, but he won't be selfish about it. If he believes that you don't want him anymore because he disappointed you, he will accept it even if he hates it. That is probably why he won't come to you to discuss this.”

Lucille grabbed her arms while she tried to ignore how unwell she suddenly felt. She wanted to see Cedar. It would be better if she could go to him as soon as possible.

But Theodore spoke before she could even think about asking for permission to leave. “I know that I am intruding in matters that do not concern me. I don't want to tell you what to do either nor do I want you to feel guilty. But I would ask you two to have an honest conversation about this. It's clear that you care for one another, and this is why that is so important to me. I understand if you are mad and upset because of that plan and because Cedar twisted the facts quite a bit. But if you love him, you might be able to work on this together.”

Of course. Lucille had never believed that she wouldn't forgive her lover for this. A single conversation would have made her forget all of this without a doubt.

Theodore glanced to the side and seemed distracted for a moment before he added something in a much lower volume. “I am sure that Cedar never meant to hurt you with this, nor anyone else. He only wanted to hide for a while before getting into the palace, and he would have kept you far away from any harm if everything had progressed as planned. But then he spent time with you. His goal changed.” He met Lucille's gaze again. “And now he truly cares. I am pretty sure that you noticed. Did you feel like he was fake around you?”

Lucille shook her head. “No.” In the beginning, Cedar had hidden his true feelings at all times, but he had opened up more with every day. So, she could be sure that he was really in love with her. She knew that he hadn't been fake.

And yet, she had asked him when he had stopped lying to her.

Lucille's blood froze in her veins as she remembered that. Was that the issue? He thought that she doubted that his love? That had been what Cedar had always worried about. He had been scared of not being able to convey his feelings to her. He had even said that he might not be a fitting lover because of that.

Lucille only got sicker. And suddenly the desire to see Cedar was too big to ignore. She excused herself to immediately sort out this mess. From the corner of her eye, she could see Theodore being relieved, but she had no time to focus on that now.