The Broken Prince's Love

It hadn't been surprising at all.

That night, Cedar barely slept. Whenever he closed his eyes, Lucille's hurt expression appeared in front of his inner eye, and he hated it. He remembered how badly he had messed up, and then the nausea kept him awake for at least half an hour before he managed to calm down a little. When he did fall asleep, it got even worse.

The prince was used to nightmares, but today, it was much worse than usual. He saw so many horrible things just because his head was spinning and let all of his bad memories resurface. He dreamed about his childhood, about his mother's kind and cruel moments. About his father, who ignored him like always. About Theodore, who pushed his brother out of the office while claiming that Cedar wouldn't ever take on any political responsibilities anyway. He could deal with that part. He was used to it after all.

But Cedar also dreamed about Lucille. Of course, he wasn't granted any pleasant dreams and just saw her turning away from him over and over again. In the end, that resulted in him giving up on sleeping before the sun had risen.

He just pulled out his sword and practiced swinging while trying to concentrate on his training in hopes of forgetting the rest. Even that hope was crushed when he noticed that he couldn't bring himself to stop thinking about Lucille. He wanted to apologize to her. If he could explain that he had been raised while seeing others as tools to reach his goal and that she had been the first one to wake him up from that, maybe they could make up. But at the same time, he doubted that she wanted to hear it.

Cedar could try to justify what he had done a hundred times, but in the end, he had still hurt Lucille. Not just because he had known that assassins would break into her home because of him and people had died because of that plan. Also because he had used her sore spot against her. He had known about her parents and talked her into pitying him until she allowed him to stay. Of course, she would be upset. She had every right to be. If she didn't want to see him anymore, he couldn't blame her, even if he would hate that. From now on, he couldn't really make a choice anymore when he was the one who had messed up. He would leave the decision to Lucille.

At least he told himself that, but Cedar wasn't sure whether he could deal with her saying that she didn't want to be with him anymore. So, he actually didn't want to meet her at the moment out of fear that she would say those words to him. For the first time in a while, he didn't care about whether he was cowardly for doing this. He wouldn't do anything that could pressure Lucille. He would let her come to him on her own accord while hoping that she wouldn't push him out of her life.

Cedar trained until the sun rose and only paused for a moment to order breakfast and eat it. This was the first time that he had eaten alone in a while too. He quickly realized that he felt lonely while sitting at the table and called himself an idiot for that. After finishing, he trained again while trying to distract himself. He considered picking up a few documents from the office to take care of them too, but he didn't want to see his brother. In fact, he didn't want to see anyone. So, he decided that he would stay in his room the entire day.

At least he had planned on doing that until Theodore had called for him.

Cedar fought the urge to refuse despite his brother's rank, but he would admit that he was too upset to even leave his room then. He had revealed his anger yesterday already, so he would need to pick up the shards of his facade now. And he had to discuss this with Theodore, or he would risk being thrown out of the palace. So, he went to the office despite his awful mood.

On the way, Cedar could barely stop being tense because he feared seeing Lucille somewhere. If she looked at him with that pained expression one more time, he might not be able to leave without showing his emotions right now. Thankfully, he arrived at the office without running into any important people. He knocked and was quickly allowed to come inside.

Cedar knew that he was beaming due to the depressing thoughts that wandered around in his head and tried to make his smile a bit more faint. His brother could read him rather well, and the prince didn't need to reveal all of his feelings now. Cedar was pretty sure that he failed, but he did his best to act like he normally did when he entered the room. He closed the door and bowed.

Theodore interrupted that immediately. “I told you not to do that, right? Let it be.” He waited until his brother lifted his head and spoke up. “Good day.” He paused again before he added a question. “How are you doing?”

Cedar was doing miserably. But of course, he didn't say that. He just showed his fake smile while walking over to the desk, which should be enough of a reply. “I am fine. I hope that the same holds true for you. Even if I would understand it if you were upset with me. After all, I caused a mess with my careless words. I sincerely apologize for saying that to Mother yesterday. You probably had to deal with an annoying tantrum because I couldn't hold back.” He had knowingly attacked Camille's weak spot, so he was sure that the yelling had been heard throughout the entire second floor.

It would have been understandable for Theodore to be upset about that. But he seemed rather calm. “Don't worry. To be honest, she barely listened to that, so she didn't get too angry. She had a hysteric fit anyway, but that was more because you had run away after telling her such things. She yelled your name quite a few times until some people reminded her to shut up in an unkind tone. Apparently, she finally understood that you are serious. And don't apologize for your words. I'm happy you said that. This was the first time you ever were honest with that woman.”

Cedar was less happy about it. As if losing his self-control wasn't bad enough, he also had told his mother that he didn't want to see her anymore and that he was sick of her. Obviously, he already felt horrible about this despite him not truly lying. But he wouldn't focus on that now, or he would ruin his mood even more. “Then it's good that she didn't listen to me completely. It would have been unfavorable for her to throw a tantrum in the middle of the day. Did everything else work out, or did she have to be brought away by guards?”

Theodore scanned his brother for a moment before he replied. “What did you expect? Of course, she wouldn't leave quietly after she lost her son and her title one after the other. She spent the night in a cell again. I will leave her there for another week to keep her from venting her frustration on our poor servants.” That was a good idea. But before Cedar could say that, Theodore already continued. “But that doesn't matter too much now. I feel like we should discuss the other part first. You know. The part about this plan of yours. It won't take long. I know that you changed your mind about this, but we should talk about it at least once.”

Cedar didn't want to. But of course, he would go along with everything his brother said. “We can do that. But I fear that there isn't much to add. Leon listened to the conversation I had with Mother, and that contained almost everything you need to know. Last year, I managed to get us out of confinement, and afterward, Mother threatened to ruin everything due to her lack of self-control. After she caused trouble on your wife's birthday, I first thought about whether she would even be able to appear as a dignified alternative in comparison to you. So, I wondered whether something else wouldn't be better.”

Theodore folded his hands while he watched his brother. He seemed like he didn't want to interrupt, but he did it anyway. “Of course. The people who supported you all saw you as a valid option to be the emperor. You are always polite and charismatic in public, so it's obvious that you would seem like a good ruler. No one ever favored the former dowager empress. Her presence probably just decreased your chances of gaining support.” He paused for a moment before gesturing to the chair in front of the desk. “Please sit down.”

Cedar had hoped that the conversation wouldn't take long enough for him to justify sitting down, but he complied without a word. He took a seat and then resumed the story. “Indeed. Even I saw that. At that time, many people began to see Mother and me as the villains, which actually wasn't false, but it was unfavorable if I wanted to rule. So, I thought that it would be better if Mother was the villain while I acted the part of the victim. It was easy. I just needed to let Mother throw her tantrums and always chimed in to help others while de-escalating the situation. I did try to keep her from doing stupid things like provoking you, but she didn't really listen to me. That was why it was surprising that she agreed when I proposed the full plan. That included a few months of a break before I would run away and act like we had a fallout. Then we would go through with that attack, which would get me hurt. I presumed that you would take me in for treatment if I got hit with an arrow, and then I could have tried to win your trust by simply staying quiet for a few months.”

Theodore narrowed his eyes. At first, it seemed like he would get angry at his brother because of this plot, but then he spoke. “I can't believe how reckless you are. You have to be the only person in this world who would allow someone to shoot you with an arrow because you want to infiltrate the palace. That could have gone wrong, you know? The wound could get infected, and you could have died just because of something so stupid. You could just have spoken to one of the guards to tell me that you need help, and I would have taken you in.” That sounded like he had been awfully trusting.

Cedar tried to ignore how much he wanted to say that that would have been stupid and just replied. “Well, you wouldn't have trusted me that much if the attack hadn't happened.” He was beaming while he explained that, which openly showed his anger to anyone who could read his emotions. He didn't need that, so he quickly talked to cover it up. “Like I said, I had been the one to come up with the whole plan. But I certainly did not include Mother trying to kill Lucille and the servants of the Valerian mansion. That only happened because Mother had an informant in that house and found out that I was spending a lot of time with Lucille.” Even saying her name pained him at the moment. It took him even more effort to hide his emotions now. That was pathetic.

Theodore was confusingly calm while he listened to all of that. “That was to be expected. You were never the type to be overly violent with your plots. Your plan wouldn't have hurt anyone, but of course, that woman changed something to injure those around you.” Apparently, he accepted this without questioning his brother, which was a bit stupid of him. This was the truth, but he couldn't know that. Theodore paused for a moment. Then he made eye contact with the prince. “And after that? What was supposed to happen then?”

Cedar had to admit that that part of the plan had been the least elaborate one. “I was supposed to stay in the palace quietly while keeping up the act of being the poor victim. Then you would have become less cautious around me. At some point, Mother would have attacked you. If she had succeeded, she would be seen as the only possible perpetrator. At the same time, I would have seemed like the younger brother that finally managed to reconcile with his brother before he suddenly died. Then the citizens wouldn't have seen me as someone who murdered the previous emperor but as someone who got along with you and had no reason to commit treason. That would have made it easier to become emperor.”

In hindsight, that plan sounded so unappealing that Cedar wasn't sure why he had even come up with it. He should have just stayed quiet while letting his mother deal with her rash plots.

Theodore should have been much more upset upon hearing this, but he was actually rather calm. He just sat there and pondered something. Maybe he thought back and tried to remember what clues might have revealed that plan. He was silent for a moment before he spoke. “Was the revolt already a part of it too?” So, he had guessed it.

“Yes. I have to admit that I lacked the desire to kill anyone that day, but not harming anyone was also part of the plan. I was supposed to appear as the exhausted victim who is tired of playing along with his mother's schemes while limiting the damages. It worked out rather well. I managed to play that role convincingly, it seems.”

The emperor remained silent for a few seconds while giving Cedar a strange look. When he spoke, his voice had an odd undertone. “Because you didn't act very much. I don't know if you noticed it, but you really are the victim here. You keep denying it, but you were only involved in this whole mess because of that disgusting woman. The only act was you admitting it out loud. I was a bit confused when you told Blanche some things about yourself during the revolt. That was so unlike you, but now it makes sense. You managed to do all of this in a way that I wouldn't notice. I only questioned it after your conversation with that woman. The one in the mansion Leonard eavesdropped on. You knew that I had someone follow you. So, writing a letter to that woman and seeing her then was also an indirect way of telling me the truth.”

Cedar didn't respond directly here. “It could have been a way to gain your trust too. I could have played this game while pretending that this plot of acting nice wasn't going on anymore when it actually was.”

Theodore should have worried a bit upon hearing that, but seemingly, he didn't feel intimidated nor was he concerned. “You would have had countless ways to play that game. I have to admit it. It was a genius plan. I probably would have fallen for it. If you wanted to, you really could have won like that.”

Cedar knew that. Theodore had been too sympathetic during the revolt, too ready to spare his brother. The weak point had been obvious.

Maybe this was why Cedar had been uncertain from the very beginning. He had never wanted to win. He could have become emperor like this, but he had never had the desire to rule after getting rid of a happy family. So, he might as well admit the truth now, just so that his brother wouldn't change his mind and throw him out of the palace. “I don't think I would have pulled through with it either way. There is no way that I could have stood by while Mother kills Aurora for being your daughter.” He would have pitied that baby way too much. He wasn't even sure whether he would have let Blanche get hurt just because his mother compared her to Althea. Maybe he would have tried to protect those two from Camille, but of course, he didn't know. Cedar had already said too much either way. So, his brain automatically wanted to close him off again. He spoke without wanting to. “By the way, how is Aurora? It's been a few days since I saw her.”

Theodore replied without skipping a beat. “She is well. Don't distract. It's obvious that you never wanted to harm anyone and just did what that woman told you to do. But now that you don't have to listen to her anymore, tell us everything. We will support you to the best of our abilities. We can't use magic, but we can do quite a few things that you might not have expected of us.” He paused for a moment before he continued. “What will you do now?”

Cedar immediately knew that this was about Lucille. In that case, he didn't have a response either. “For now, I will wait a bit so that things can calm down. And then...I have no idea.” He didn't want to approach Lucille when the option of her breaking up with him was there. But never seeing her again wasn't something he could live with either. So, he was lost on what to do. He felt completely helpless for the first time in a while.

Thankfully, Theodore didn't pry in this regard. Instead, he just offered his help a dozen times. He made Cedar sit with him for an hour or so before he allowed him to leave.

Cedar returned to his room after. He was still worried about seeing Lucille, so he hurried to go back and only relaxed when the door closed behind him. For a moment, he stood in his room without knowing what to do. Would he really stay here and wallow in self-pity for another day? The answer was probably yes. After all, he wouldn't go out and risk meeting someone unpleasant. But standing here made him feel like he was suffocating.

So, he compromised while including the desire to go out while not moving away too far. Cedar crossed his room and opened the door to the balcony before walking to the very edge. He leaned against the railing while he closed his eyes and tried to clear his mind.

The wind today was gentle, and it wasn't too cold either. It was very pleasant to stand here while enjoying the soft breeze. Even listening to the rustling of the trees was somewhat relaxing. Maybe this would have been a good spot to take a break on any other day.

But today, Cedar could barely bring himself to enjoy it. He just stood there for a while before letting his head hang forward and then stared at the bushes below his window. He was glad that he didn't make eye contact with any annoying insect that had hidden there to watch what the prince was doing, but this didn't raise his mood either. Cedar watched the plants down there for a moment while he directed his thoughts in a less depressing direction.

If he couldn't think about Lucille, he would have to distract himself. Maybe he should train for real today. He would like to have a duel with some really skillful fighter so that he would be forced to concentrate on the fight and nothing else. But he would have to leave his room for that. So, he couldn't do that.

What other options did he have? He had paper and a pen here. So, he might be able to draft some contracts Theodore and he had discussed despite the emperor telling him to take a break.

Since Cedar had enough free time now, he might as well do that. He straightened his posture and prepared to turn around to enter his room. But a familiar shade of red appeared in the corner of his eyes. He barely dared to look to the side, but he forced himself anyway.

A group of women walked through the garden. It was obvious who the others were, but he could only focus on one person. It was Lucille. She was as beautiful as always. When the wind gently brushed through her hair and made her red strands sway, she looked like she had come right out of a painting. She managed to seem graceful and captivating just by walking around without a care in the world. Thankfully, she didn't look up to the balcony once.

Cedar watched her for a moment. He extended his hand to her and spread his fingers to be able to see her. She was in the same estate as he was, and yet, he couldn't touch her. And even that thought made his heart ache. He really was in love, wasn't he? He might not understand anything about affection and how to care about others, but even he was sure.

He loved Lucille.

The only issue was that his love wasn't what she would be content with. Lucille didn't need a husband that didn't open up to her and smiled at all times no matter how horrible the situation was. She was a much too wonderful person, so no one could demand of her to settle for someone who had manipulated her and risked her people's lives. In other words, she was completely out of his reach.

Cedar stared at Lucille for a moment in hopes that he would calm down if he saw her for a bit. But in reality, it only got more painful with each second until he wanted to avert his gaze. What if she saw him while he was up here? What if their gazes met, and her eyes showed him the very emotion he had always feared? He closed his fist and pulled back his hand.

Not now. He hadn't prepared enough to face her yet.

Lucille didn't want to see him. Since he had been the one lying to her, that was understandable. She would need a few days to process this, and then she could possibly face him without that crushing disappointment. There wasn't even a guarantee for that though. She might also keep hating him forever, which would be an awful fate.

Cedar could only pray that Lucille wouldn't despise him because of that damned plot, which hadn't even been his goal for the past eight months. But he couldn't just expect her to be kind enough to overlook this either. That plan had existed after all, and she and a dozen dead people had suffered the consequences. For as long as she didn't want to see him, he wouldn't bother her. Even if she kept that opinion forever. That was a depressing thought.

Cedar almost sighed and only held back because he didn't want anyone to hear him. He certainly didn't need Lucille to see him here while he stood on his balcony and acted like an idiot nor did he need to alert the empress, who was walking next to Lucille. So, he turned around and ignored the puckering ache of his heart in favor of entering his room. He closed the glass door behind him and pulled the curtain shut.

Now he was alone in this room with nothing to do again. He had planned on writing some contracts, but his brain felt like it was exploding already. The prince told himself that this was because he had barely slept last night, but obviously, this was because of Lucille. He couldn't sit down and think about an alliance with two important nations now when his thoughts always wandered back to her.

He needed to stop thinking.

Cedar quickly found his solution for that. He would go train. Maybe a few hours of running would keep him from lying awake this night too. At least he hoped it. He couldn't go without sleeping for the rest of his life if Lucille decided that she didn't want to see him.