The Broken Prince's Love

It had been a while since he had been so scared of the consequences of his actions. It wasn't just the fact that Lucille could suddenly struggle to trust him even when he had been honest with her for so long. That was painful but understandable. Cedar wouldn't trust himself either. But what really hurt was the fact that it reminded him of one thing.

Lucille could never be sure of his feelings. If she already had to worry about his plots so early, it wouldn't get better in the future. Cedar was unable to give her a guarantee. He was known to be a liar and an actor, so Lucille would never fully trust him. And that would make her unhappy. When he couldn't even give her certainty about whether he cared for her or whether this was an act, he didn't deserve to be by her side at all. So, how could he demand that she stay with him despite her uncertainty?

It felt worse than any hit to his face could have been. There was a new feeling that formed in his stomach and seemed to make his whole body ache. Cedar hated it.

So, he hadn't been able to do it after all. For a while, he had thought that it would be fine despite his little experience with love and affection. But of course, this hadn't been anywhere close to what real love was, and now Lucille had caught a glimpse of his ugly tendency to use other people like puppets.

Even now, she averted her eyes and only glanced up to see his expression occasionally. Lucille hesitated for a while before replying. “I need...” She didn't finish that sentence. So, she couldn't tell him what worried her either.

She didn't even dare to be honest with him.

Cedar swallowed while trying to hide how disappointment welled up inside him. His throat hurt, but he managed to speak anyway despite his voice being a bit too weak. “Are you mad?” Of course, she was. His mother had just told her that Cedar had used her to prepare a plot to commit treason.

But apparently, Lucille didn't want to admit that. She shook her head. “No...” A lie. She closed her eyes before turning away her head. She lifted her free hand to rub over her eyes. She was probably about to cry. “I just need a bit of time to process that.” It was good if she didn't tell him that she was angry in his face.

Cedar was angry enough at himself. Of course, toying with others' emotions and using their past to his advantage would come back at him at some point. He should have expected it, and this was only fair. Still, the realization of how badly he had messed up was painful in some way. Cedar was used to this stinging sensation in his chest, but normally, it wasn't so bad. Right now, it felt worse than a sword that was slitting open his side. And yet, he already had to fight against this damned smile that threatened to come back while his body desperately tried to hide how upset he was. He attempted to stop himself, but in the end, he couldn't fight it for long enough, and he began beaming again. That only reminded him of the fact that he couldn't even offer honest emotions.

He didn't deserve Lucille.

Maybe it was time that Cedar accepted that for real. That thought was the only reason he let go of her hand despite wanting to pull her into his arms. He didn't want to say it, and yet, he forced himself. “I see. Maybe it would be good if you slept once before pondering this.”

Lucille didn't try to hold onto him when he let go. She still looked at the floor and weakly nodded. “Probably.” So, this was it, wasn't it? She would turn around and leave now.

Cedar didn't want to see her walking away from him, and he didn't want her to see his bright smile in such a situation. So, he did what a coward always did when his facade threatened to crack. He would run away. He forced himself to speak once more. “Then please go rest. I...have to discuss this with Theodore now. I wish you a nice day.” He only received a nod as a response, but Lucille's expression showed so much more. Cedar couldn't look at that anymore. He spun around and left the room.

When he grabbed the door handle, he realized that his hand was shaking, but he didn't stop. He merely walked toward the emperor's office while grinning as if today was the best day of his life. It was pathetic. He felt horrible right now. His heart physically hurt. This was his fault, so he shouldn't even have the right to be upset about this. Being sad now was stupid, even though seeing that expression on Lucille's face had broken his heart. Only an absolute moron like him could begin to hope despite already knowing the truth.

Cedar called himself an idiot in his mind before he knocked on the door. He wasn't even sure whether he hoped that Theodore would leave him alone or whether he wanted to be told that he was a moron. His mood was ruined either way, so it didn't matter.

Theodore's voice sounded a few seconds later. “Come in.”

Cedar opened the door and stepped inside before closing the door behind him. He turned around and would have liked to leave immediately again. Theodore and Blanche both gave him this sympathetic look while his mother just grinned at him. He neither needed pity nor mockery now. He hated it either way, but he needed to talk to the emperor now. He walked the few steps to the desk and stopped there.

A few seconds passed in silence before Theodore opened his mouth, only to be cut off.

Camille spoke with an undeniable hint of satisfaction in her voice. “Is she sulking now? Or is she crying? She surely must be stupid to be so upset about this. I knew that she wasn't very bright, but that she actually believed that you like her makes her seem so much more idiotic than I could have imagined. You truly must have acted well.”

Cedar would have liked to ignore her. But once again, he couldn't do that. Just hearing these words made his blood boil. Of course, Camille would relish in seeing Lucille getting hurt. That woman had always liked it when others felt bad just so that she could feel better about herself. Knowing that his mother was such a person only reminded him of why he was so messed up. That was Camille's fault. He turned to her before he knew it. “Are you happy about that? Unsurprisingly. You've always been so bored with your grim life that seeing others miserable made you happy. In that case, I can congratulate you. You must feel good about yourself now.” He had been really upset, so it wasn't surprising that he had spoken with more bitterness in his voice than one would have expected him to feel with his bright smile.

Camille seemed to be sensible enough to pick up on that, even though she had never read his emotions well. Her smile faded as she scanned him. “What are you saying? And why are you looking at me like that? You don't like that girl, so you shouldn't care about what she thinks.”

Cedar let out a bitter laugh without wanting to. He couldn't help it. Right now, he was so upset that he wanted to hurt his mother. Camille had only told the truth about their plot, so he didn't actually have a justification to get angry at her. But she had done it to hurt Lucille, and so, she deserved to hear the painful truth as well. “I don't know if you really are so blind or whether you just don't want to understand. Maybe you never cared for someone and don't get it because of that. Lucille is important to me. More so than you can imagine. And in contrast to you, I don't want to possess someone I like.” He wanted to make Lucille happy. But he could forget about that if his plots kept coming up like this.

It was obvious that he wouldn't be the one that could lead her into a future full of smiles. Not when his fake one covered up all of his emotions to the point at which she didn't even know whether he cared about her.

Camille narrowed her eyes and gazed at her son with a mix of indignation and anger. “You can stop lying now. No one here ever believed you to be interested in her. Theodore knew that too, right? Drop the act. You don't need to appeal to anyone here either way. They know the truth now.” She was delusional as always.

Cedar could only stare at her as he fought the urge to tell her what he knew would crush her. ‘Father never loved you.’ It was so easy, and he could say it so quickly that no one would be able to stop him in time. But what would that cause? Just another tantrum that Theodore would need to deal with. So, Cedar could spare the effort. Even if he was already prepared to open his mouth to say something that would give his mother a breakdown, he held back. Instead, he focused on what concerned him. “I'm not acting. Maybe you would know that if you had ever paid attention to me in the past twenty years. I have my own feelings and interests too. I may have been a tool for you, but that doesn't make me less human.”

Camille let out a deep breath of indignation. “What? Of course, I know that you have feelings! But you wouldn't care about that girl. She isn't pretty nor is she special. She was a temporary plaything for you because you are jealous of Theodore's stupid romance. Pull yourself together, and admit this at least.”

That comment stung, especially when he thought about Lucille hearing such harsh lies. That was too far.

Cedar was seconds away from insulting her now. What did Camille know about love? He had been the victim of her ‘love’ countless times. There was no need for her to fool him. Even he knew more about love than she did, and he was apparently unable to express even a slight portion of those feelings. The only reason he didn't say that to his mother was because someone else already spoke up.

Blanche, whose expression was grim, stood up and chimed in. “Maybe we can show you something that proves that he is serious about this.” She opened one of the drawers to pull out a piece of paper. It was easy to guess what this was. Did she really have to do this now? Camille's mood was bad enough, and Blanche would only make it even more horrible.

But for once, Cedar couldn't bring himself to care enough about Camille's reaction.

Cedar didn't complain even when the empress put the paper on the table in front of Camille. In a few seconds, his mother would yell either way, so he might as well let her see the proof of his devotion.

Camille was still upset, but she was too curious to go without reading the document. She took a minute or so to process what was going on. When she lifted her gaze, she was so full of fury that it was unhealthy. Her expression was so cold that most people here would freeze upon seeing her.

But even though that insane woman glared at the empress, Blanche didn't flinch.

Camille only saw that as a reason to speak up. “Of course, you would write something like that. One whore has to support the other one. So, you find it funny to trap Cedar with some disgusting insect like that? You can't make fun of the prince of Artias, you hear me? You will regret that, you bitch.” Her foul mouth wouldn't do her any good.

Theodore made it rather obvious that he picked up a pen and drew two lines on the page in front of him. He scratched the pen across the paper with so much force that it wouldn't have been surprising if it had been torn. It seemed like his list of the times that Camille had insulted Blanche would be rather long by the time he would pay back that woman for it.

Camille would certainly regret each insult. After all, she hadn't only insulted Blanche.

Cedar was in a bad mood already. And when he heard this, he was only more upset than before. He gritted his teeth while he tried to hold back, but he couldn't bring himself to be silent. “I was never forced in any way, Mother. Please stop yelling, or you will make people doubt that you are sane. You're known to be hysteric already, so that wouldn't worsen your reputation. But no one here wants to hear your voice, so do us a favor and be quiet. And stop insulting Lucille.” This had probably been the first time that he had been this harsh with his mother.

It effectively made Camille forget about her fury. She stared at him with wide eyes and barely managed to find the words to scold him. “Cedar, I'm your mother. How can you speak to me like that?”

Normally, he would never be like this, but Cedar was fuming at the moment. He refused to admit that he wanted to get some sort of revenge since his mother had revealed the past on purpose, but that probably played a role too. Even if he knew that he was at fault for this situation, he couldn't help but reply in an icy tone without even looking at Camille. “You're never nice to others, so don't act like a saint now. If you attack other people, you will have to get back what you've sown at some point. You said much worse things to me, so pull yourself together.”

Camille's mouth fell open. She stared at her son in utter panic.

Theodore used that pause to speak up. He made eye contact with his brother before beginning. “I think that it would be good if we sit down to discuss this in peace. Maybe tomorrow or the day after that. For now-” He didn't manage to finish.

Camille had processed what her son had told her and was now even angrier than before. She jumped up again, and her voice was as shrill as ever as she spoke. “Cedar! What are you saying to me? Are you out of your mind?”

Cedar turned his head to her and quickly realized that his smile had disappeared. Otherwise, his mother wouldn't have taken a step back while looking at him in shock. Had he ever shown Camille his unveiled fury like this? Not for a few years at least. He had shown her a sad smile and his exhaustion, but this anger had always stayed hidden. Now she saw it without him covering it up. It would only last a few seconds before his smile would take over again, but this had been worth it. “Oh, as you may have noticed, I'm definitely out of my mind. Because of you. I will have to properly thank you for that. I'm so grateful for your care. My childhood was truly wonderful.” He had sounded more bitter than he had intended to be.

Camille balled the fist of her unhurt arm, and as soon as she understood what he had said, she narrowed her eyes. Then she raised her voice again. “I don't have to deal with this kind of disrespect! Get your-”

Cedar was too upset to listen. “Disrespect? As far as I remember, I am the second prince of Artias, and you are a marquess' daughter. How come you believe you can tell me what to say?” He had reminded her of the worst humiliation she had experienced.

Obviously, Camille lost her composure even more. Her face was scrunched up to the point of looking like a twisted grimace, and she still didn't manage to stay quiet. “I am the dowager empress! I don't care what Theodore says. He can't take away my rank!” Of course, the emperor could, especially if the three most powerful families in this nation supported his decision fully. But no one bothered to explain it to her. She already continued anyway. “Why are you acting like this, Cedar? You are supposed to be on my side!” She still believed that, didn't she?

Normally, Cedar held back when she said that, but today was horrible enough to allow him to speak honestly. “I don't belong to you. I don't have to be on your side. And if you happened to think clearly for even a single second in the past months, you would know why I am upset. I care for Lucille, and you want to hurt her. You want to keep her away from me, and that is the only reason you told her all of this.” By now, he was beaming again, and he despised himself for that.

But his mother didn't seem to care about it either way. She just yelled at him. “Nonsense! You can stop acting now! She knows the truth, so she will hate you anyway. There is no reason to keep trying to use her!”

Cedar met Camille's gaze while he still grinned at her. He was so annoyed that he seriously wanted to yell at his mother. He never yelled unless he lost his temper, which he hadn't done in years. It was tempting, but he remained quieter than he wanted to be. “Why do you think you know what I am feeling? You never paid attention to that. And frankly, you have never even understood what was going on inside my head either. So, leave me alone. I care for Lucille. If you don't get even that direct announcement, I can't help you anymore.”

Camille looked like she fought the urge to run around the table to hit her son. But she just continued to stand by her chair while glaring at him. “Of course, I get it! You are suddenly imagining that you care for her because I didn't give you enough attention. You just accept her because she is stupid enough to trust you. You don't care about that bitch, and you won't even miss her when she disappears from your life.” She put her hand on her chest. “I am the only one you need. Don't you understand that?”

Cedar clenched his jaw for a moment. Could he really say this to his mother, who had conditioned him to love her? He certainly could after she had ruined his mood like this. “You don't understand it. I like Lucille, and I want to stay with her for the rest of my life. But there is no place for your presence in my life if I want to be with her. Do you know why? Maybe I cared about you in the past. But every time you try to destroy my life just because you resent seeing me happy, I hate you a bit more. And by now, I feel like seeing you never ends with me feeling the need to help you. Instead, I just want to push you away more each time you insult the person I care for.”

Camille's eyes widened, and she froze in place. She actually looked like she was terrified to hear this. It took a moment until she moved again, and still, pure dread was painted onto her features. She grasped the fabric of her dress while shaking slightly. “Cedar, that's not true, and you know it. You love me and me only. I'm the most important thing in your life. I am the only one that can give you attention and love, so you need me. There is no-”

Cedar held back for a moment, but then he couldn't hear it anymore and cut her off. “I don't need you in my life. I'm sick of you. I'm sick of you intervening each time I think I can finally be a bit happy. You always find a way to chime in and crush that spark of happiness. Do you hate me that much? I never did anything but serve you, so it doesn't make sense for you to treat me like this. I lived for you, and you never truly cared. So, you can shut up about love and all of that. I don't want to see you anymore.” He was aware that he would probably feel horrible about this and regret saying it later, but he was too upset at the moment.

In fact, it was getting close to dangerous levels right now.

Cedar was pretty sure that he wouldn't ever break down again, but he wouldn't risk it. He faced his brother. “I would like to have permission to leave.”

Theodore understood what Cedar was thinking about immediately. He nodded. “Of course. I will deal with this insane woman here, so don't worry. We will talk about this later. Just know that everything will be fine. Go to rest a bit now. Alright?” That was awfully nice of him.

Cedar bowed his head for a moment. “Thank you. Goodbye.” He turned around and prepared to leave, but he didn't get far.

Camille already marched around the desk to follow him. “Cedar! Cedar, wait! You will not run away now! You will apologize!” He wouldn't

Cedar might have been extraordinarily harsh today, but he hadn't told a single lie. So, he just continued to walk forward.

But Camille made the mistake of refusing to let him go. She began yelling again. “Cedar, I will never say that I love you again if you leave now! You are disappointing me, do you hear that? You're absolutely useless. I won't ever look at you again unless you turn around and apologize this instant! There is no one in this world that cares about your miserable existence, so-” She still believed that his triggers did something to him. That was upsetting.

Cedar felt the last string of his patience snap. He spun around.

For a single moment, Camille was happy. She believed that he would apologize, but then she saw his expression.

Cedar wasn't even sure what his expression showed. Either way, it made Camille back away. That wasn't enough for him. She kept hurting him on purpose, so she didn't deserve anything else either. He opened his mouth before he could think about it. “There is a reason everyone preferred Althea. She was so much nicer than you have ever been.”

Althea was Camille's biggest weak spot. This would make Camille snap for sure.

But Cedar didn't want to deal with that. He didn't wait for the reaction. He left the room and slammed the door shut behind him. This earned him a shocked look by the guards, but he ignored it. Cedar went back to his room without any detours.

He wasn't sure what he felt at the moment. It was a mix of anger, grief and more. Yet, he felt empty at the same time. This feeling might not have a name, but it burned him like acid. He didn't look at anyone while approaching his destination and was overly relieved when he arrived without seeing a single person aside from the guards. He opened the door and immediately shut it behind him.

As soon as he was alone and it was completely quiet around him, his thoughts almost swallowed him in whole. He allowed himself to lean his back against the door and stood there while blankly staring into the distance. And now? Was this it? Had he really gambled away his chance to be happy because of that stupid plan back then? At that point, he hadn't known that he would come to like Lucille this much. How could he have been able to predict what would happen? Now Lucille was furious with him and probably wouldn't want to see him again anymore. And maybe this was better for her. She didn't need someone that dragged her down in her life. Cedar had issues carrying the weight of his problems already, so he didn't need to burden someone else with them too.

But imagining a future without her hurt. He adored her too much to give up on her.

Yet, Cedar was aware that it was selfish to ask her to stay with him. He leaned his head against the door and tried to clear his mind. He remained unsuccessful. His chest hurt as if there was some unknown pressure weighing on his back. He brought his hand to his face and tried to ignore how his eyes stung. That was pathetic. This was his fault, and he should have been able to predict it. Whining now wouldn't change that.

Cedar pushed himself away from the door and immediately steered toward the bed. He would like to train to vent or pour a bucket of icy water over his head, but he would need to go outside or interact with other people for both. So, he would go without it. He let himself fall onto the bed and just stared at the wall while remaining unmoving in that position. He would probably stay there until the sun set, and then he would pray that this night wouldn't gift him nightmares again. Surely, he would have them, just because he felt horrible already, because he worried about Lucille hating him and because he had said such horrible things to his mother. But still, he wanted the night to arrive quickly so that he could forget how painful thinking about his beloved was at the moment, even if it only lasted for a short moment.

Cedar didn't move for a while before he rolled over to the side. While he let his eyes roam across the empty space next to him, he could only think about one thing. This was the first time that he would sleep alone without Lucille. He felt lonely when she wasn't here. The pillows and the blanket were cold, and it felt like the bed was much too big for him.

In the past, lying here alone had been normal, and it hadn't bothered him in the slightest. Now he hated it.