The Broken Prince's Love

Cedar showed his mother a bright smile. “I'm not on your side anymore. That means that I will tell Theodore everything I know so that he can use it against you. There is no need for you to continue to delude yourself. I won't come back to you, and this isn't an act. I am on my brother's side, and I will support him as the emperor. I don't need your manipulation in my life anymore, so you can stop trying to lure me back.” He never spoke so frankly, but he doubted that his words would reach otherwise.

These ones might not even be enough.

It took a moment for Camille to understand that. She stared at him with wide eyes and then opened her mouth before closing it. “Cedar, stop saying that. We both know that you will come back at some point. And then, you will regret telling me all of that. I won't forget this, Cedar. You will need years to make me forgive you.”

Perfect. He didn't want her fake affection. The more she hated him, the easier it would be to get rid of his lingering attachment to her. Her yelling could be ignored without any issues while a hug or kiss might be worse. Cedar met her gaze and put on the most arrogant smile he could muster. “Good. I don't want your forgiveness. I am serious when I say that I changed sides. So, do us the favor, and don't complain too much about all of this. That can only annoy the both of us.” With that, he picked up his fork and began eating again. He didn't even need to look up to guess what was going on.

Camille was sitting there and balled her fists while watching him. She wanted to find a trace of weakness. She wanted to see him break down and cling to her side while desperately asking for her attention. “Cedar.” Her voice had a warning edge now. That usually betrayed that she would begin to use his triggers against him.

Apparently, the others here knew that too. Blanche narrowed her eyes and chimed in as soon as the other woman opened her mouth. “If you say even a single one of those things, I will put you on trial for slandering royalty. Cedar doesn't have to let you insult him because you can't deal with your cold and empty heart, you lonely hag.” That was a bit direct.

Surely, Camille would yell now. Indeed, it looked like she prepared to raise her voice, but something stopped her. She whipped her head around to Cedar and spoke up with audible indignation. “Did you hear that? Do you understand how they are treating me now? Those people have always made fun of me and tried to hurt me in every imaginable way. Theodore killed your father, and he is the reason you never got the recognition you deserve too. And that-”

Theodore wouldn't allow her to insult his wife, so he spoke first. “Blanche just told you the truth you can't handle. Everyone around you always tried to hold back to avoid upsetting you, and that is now an issue. You don't even notice what you are doing. I refuse to say anything about my father since you know the whole story. But I would like to address the last part.” His voice was so icy that even Camille didn't interrupt him. “The one who never gave Cedar any recognition is you. If you cared to look into it, you would see he is a genius. Both when it comes to politics and sword-fighting. And yet, he doesn't feel like it's special because no one ever told him that being this good isn't normal. I, myself, should have reminded him of that more often. I messed up there, but I am trying to make up for it now by giving him my trust and letting him help rule the nation so that Artias may reach the best future we can obtain.”

As a child, Cedar had always waited for the day that Theodore would be forced to admit that his brother was good at something. But he hadn't expected to just get it like this in front of his mother. He blinked twice before eating a bit of his meal again. This felt odd in a way. He didn't even know what to make of this compliment.

It looked like Camille wasn't sure what to say either. She just opened her mouth and closed it again. Then she slowly turned to Cedar and looked at him with an expression that made his stomach churn. He almost wanted to console her, but he held himself back. Just a moment later, her desperation faded a bit to leave behind pure fury. “This is why you left me? Because he feeds you with useless compliments? I could have told you that too if you wanted to hear it from me. I did tell you that you are wonderful too. I should have said it more often, right? Fine. I can do that. Cedar, you-” She reached over to his hand to put hers onto his, only for him to jolt his hand away.

Cedar interrupted her here. “I don't need to hear that. I'm not on Theodore's side because of some compliments.” It actually annoyed him a lot that his mother couldn't understand what he had told her so often. His bright smile probably betrayed that, but he didn't care. “Mother, I can't be on your side anymore because you are unhealthy. You have destructive tendencies and wish to hurt people who never harmed you without having a reason apart from your resentment. You treat everyone else around you like tools and throw them around as if they don't deserve their own free will. You did that with your sister, and you did it with me too. I endured that for two decades, and now I finally found something that made me happy. Your first instinct was to destroy what I care for, and that made me realize it.”

Camille's eyes widened. It seemed like she had understood.

Cedar paused for a moment but quickly continued when his mother opened her mouth. “Yes. I am referring to Lucille. And the fact that you have psychological issues doesn't make this better in any way. You chose to be cruel. You had countless chances to stop. You could have realized when Father died. You could have realized when we were put in confinement for the first and the second time. You could have realized when you were in the middle of planning the revolt or when I left you. Did you ever stop to wonder whether there was something wrong with you at one point? You don't have to be our enemy, you know? You could get professional help and try to work on your problems. If that works out, you don't necessarily need to maneuver yourself into an unpleasant situation.” It was too late for that already, and he knew it.

Camille only gritted her teeth when she heard that. She held onto the table with so much force that it threatened to crumble under her fingertips. “What are you saying? Why would I question my own sanity when I clearly know that I'm in the right? I only wanted to protect you from that wench, and that is why I attacked her.” So, she admitted it? Then she had to be extremely upset. “You are on my side, Cedar. You always were, and you won't just change sides because of some random lies those horrible people planted into your brain.”

Cedar picked up his glass to drink some wine. He unwillingly looked at Lucille to check whether she was fine. It seemed to be alright. In fact, it looked pretty good since Lucille wasn't talking to Lady Peril anymore. Jenna seemed to fume while trying to keep up her facade. Apparently, Lucille had ruined the other's mood. That was good. He would have to congratulate her for that later.

But right now, Cedar had to deal with his mother. He didn't have the patience to go for much longer, so he would only address this little issue here and then leave it be. “See? I offered you peace, and you refused. If having another chance to interact with me isn't enough to convince you, you don't care enough. So, stop complaining. I'm on Theodore's side, and there is nothing you can do about it. And there is something else I need to say about Lucille. I don't believe that you wanted to protect me. I think you only wanted to keep me from getting close to another person. You've always wanted me to look at you alone and dismissed servants when I talked to them to isolate me. That is why letting me develop feelings for Lucille was an issue for you.”

Camille's well-known fury came back. But that was only for a moment before something darker appeared on her face, and then satisfaction followed. That was a dangerous combination for her. “You are going to regret doing this, Cedar. That woman is only using you. She wants your status and the position as the empress. And you are only imagining that you care for her. You are attention-starved and always cling to whatever kindness anyone can give you. That's why you like that girl. Because she says a few nice words and pats your head once a day. That isn't anything remotely similar to love. But you being misguided would be the nice option. I am almost sure that your intentions are much more vile without you noticing it.”

Cedar didn't need to listen to know that this was wrong. Enough people had tried to gain his favor by showering him with fake affection. He knew the difference, so he could be sure that Lucille really cared for him. Since he only reacted so sensitively to touch or kind words when it was her, he was sure that he liked her back too. And the second option was even less likely. He would do anything in his power to protect his lover, so he certainly didn't have vile intentions. “Oh, of course. You have always been good at reading my intentions, Mother. Please enlighten me.”

Camille was eager to reply. “I am the one who raised you. Do you not think that I know you best? She's a toy to you. A toy you want to have, only to break it and throw it away. You have always been like that, even in your childhood.” A somewhat terrifying smile formed on her lips. She was sure that this was the truth, and she would be happy if people got hurt. That was what it looked like. “You used to ask for all kinds of things others had. When you received your toy, you barely looked at it for a few seconds before putting it into your room and leaving it there to rot. If you had to fight or hurt someone to get something, you even played with it once or twice. But even then, you lost interest after a day at most. And when you couldn't have things or got bored, you just crushed it between your hands until there was nothing left. What makes you think that this girl is an exception?”

The dowager empress still didn't see the difference between humans and objects. That wasn't surprising. Much like it wasn't surprising that she gave her best to make Cedar doubt whether he really liked Lucille. But she wouldn't succeed here. That was too obvious.

Cedar showed her a smug grin while replying. “If you thought that, you wouldn't see the need to get rid of Lucille. You would have waited until I lost interest if you truly believed that this was temporary. But you didn't. You were so angry and scared of losing me that you had to take action. And that was what finally gave me the courage, the last remaining push, to step over the edge. That was the best thing I ever did. I don't regret it, and I will not regret it in the future either. I am overjoyed to be able to stay with Lucille.”

That silenced Camille momentarily. Of course, Cedar didn't hope that it would go well for longer though. The dowager empress would annoy him with such conversations until the rest of the dinner.

And unsurprisingly, he ended up being right about that guess.

Camille kept addressing the same issues over and over again. Theodore and Blanche were the ones who mostly told her to shut up from now on though. The whole conversation had probably looked ridiculous to the other guests, who had basically just been invited to justify Camille bothering Cedar. Hopefully, those people wouldn't be too mad.

By the end of the dinner, which took unnecessarily long since Camille talked more than she ate, Cedar was done with her. He just wanted to go home to keep his mother from talking to him. He couldn't even hear her voice without getting annoyed at the moment. So, he was extremely relieved when they finally stood up.

It wasn't quite over yet though.

Camille had insisted on accompanying them to the entrance. That proved that she still had something in mind. Especially since she waited for all the other guests to leave before bidding farewell to the passengers of the royal carriage.

Cedar had already looked forward to cuddling with Lucille to take his mind off the annoying evening, but he would need to endure one more thing first. His mother had barely touched him today, so he should have expected this. As soon as he had helped Lucille into the carriage, his mother stood right in front of him.

Camille wrapped her arms around him so quickly that he couldn't fight back without hurting her. So, Cedar just held still while she pulled him down to her. His mother rustled her hand over his head and whispered into his ear. “I love you, Cedar. And when you come back, I will show you more affection than you can ask for.”

Years ago, that offer would have meant the world to him. He would have melted immediately and would have asked for countless hugs. He would have asked for her to tell him that she loved him a hundred times and would have liked to be told that she was proud. He would have wanted to hear that he was better than Theodore and that it wasn't his fault that his father seemed to hate him. And he would definitely have said ‘I love you’ back a dozen times.

But now the little boy that was dependent on his mother and blinded by her fake affection didn't exist anymore.

The little boy had grown up and seen the full extent of his mother's hatred. He had seen how many people suffered, he regretted not saving some in the past and did his best to prevent more damage now. He had experienced how his mother reacted to him finding happiness firsthand. The boy couldn't accept someone who wanted to kill the people he loved in his life anymore. He couldn't love someone who wanted to hurt him to keep him weak and dependent on her.

Cedar moved slowly. He still refused to hurt his mother, and he hated pushing her away. But the tumult in his head was drowned out when he imagined Lucille telling him that she loved him. His lover's words were true. Real affection was what he needed and not whatever his mother's version was. So, he gathered all his self-control and leaned forward to whisper into his mother's ear. “You don't care. If you did, I would already have found a way to help you. Even though things were like this, I tried it often enough. But you don't want to get better while I want to become happy. So, we can stop this game and finally walk separate paths.” He gently took Camille's arms off him and stepped back to show her a faint smile with all of his regret mixed into it. This probably was the most honest expression he had shown his mother in years.

Camille didn't like seeing that at all. She was speechless and probably desperately tried to understand what was going on. He wanted to hope that she would finally understand it, but that was questionable.

Cedar was still tense and prepared to push her away if she came closer to him again. But it seemed like that wouldn't be necessary at all.

Theodore stood directly next to him, almost as if he had been prepared to shove Camille away. The emperor didn't even give Camille a minute before speaking. “There you have it. Get that into your skull. We will leave now.”

Camille still hadn't gotten over the fact that her son had rejected her affection like this. She was used to Cedar doing everything to get her to say that she loved him. But things were different now, no matter how much she hated that fact.

Cedar's expression was already covered with a radiant smile again, and at the moment, he despised it. Maybe this damned smile was why his mother didn't understand what he was saying. Because she still saw the smile that he had always put on to pacify her and assure her that he was happy as long as she looked at him. So, he needed to underline his response. He turned around without gazing in her direction again and went to the carriage. He didn't get that far.

Apparently, Camille had woken up from her paralysis. She raised her voice as soon as that happened. “Cedar, wait!” Footsteps sounded, but they were cut off. Presumably, some guards had held her back so that she was now stopped and desperately tried to push past them. “Cedar, those people lied to you! Of course, I love you! More than anyone else ever could. All of them are just manipulating you to separate us. As soon as you believe them, they will stop this pretense and leave you all alone! None of them care. If you want someone to love you, you need me! I'm the only one in this world who would ever love you! No one else-”

Theodore's voice was icy when he cut her off. “Shut up. You really don't know a damn thing about love or affection. You wouldn't spout such nonsense if you did. Cedar won't come back to you nor will he listen to your stupid excuses. Go back into your room, and yell there. Leave others out of this.”

Cedar still didn't turn around. He had only slowed his pace to prepare in case his mother suddenly ran toward him and slammed into his back. He didn't want to accidentally act on a reflex and attack her because she had surprised him, so he forced himself to be still.

But Camille didn't have a chance to come to him. It sounded like she struggled with the guards a bit, but she was too weak to push through. So, she only did what she always did. She yelled. “See? They keep me from talking to you because we both know that I'm right! Cedar, I've been with you ever since you were born. You can't abandon me like this! I've given you so much that others could only have dreamed about. I gave you my love and affection. How can you betray me because of some empty words?” She sounded so enraged and hurt at the same time. She really believed that she was the victim here.

Cedar felt his heart clench in an unpleasant way. He wanted to turn around to console her so badly. But he couldn't do that. He closed his eyes for a moment and reminded himself of all the horrible things that happened. Each vase that had hit him, each time he almost passed out while learning for hours, each time his instructors had been too rough with him despite his young age. He remembered the fireplace incident and the burning metal on his skin. He didn't need to think long to remember what the mirror she had hit him with had felt like either. Cedar remembered how his own mother said the things she knew would hurt him most, just because his breakdowns would end with him being a vulnerable mess after he calmed down a little.

Those were just some of the most horrible incidents, but the list was never-ending. He also remembered meeting Lucille and talking to her a few times, only for his mother to try to kill her. How she had almost bled out in his arms.

Camille didn't love her son.

That was easy to see. Cedar had taken a while to understand that because he had never felt real love in the first place. But now he was sure. Love wasn't this possessive, demanding, cold, harsh and painful. Maybe Camille cared for her son a little bit, and maybe a small fragment of motherly affection was here as well. But that had never been enough to overshadow what she really wanted. And that was to hurt Althea and Theodore, no matter the cost.

Cedar had to admit that it was harder to speak up than it should have been. “You seriously ask why I am leaving you? You should know by now. Perhaps you do feel something similar to love. But you've always hated those around you more than you cared for me. I won't confuse what you offered me with actual compassion. You never wanted to be a loving mother. You wanted a son that was dependent on you and would listen unconditionally. A tool, so to speak. For a few years, that was fine, but...” He usually spoke so much so often. Why did his throat hurt after just a few words? It was hard to say it. Way harder than it should have been. “Now I don't want that anymore. I'm not just what you see me as. If you can't allow me even the little bit of freedom that being human should give me, I can't stay with you. I tried to help you, and I did everything I could, but...” It had never been enough to rival Camille's hatred. “I want to protect someone else now. Someone who actually cares about me.”

It hurt.

Of course, he had known this ever since he had been able to think clearly and compared what Althea and Theodore did with how his mother interacted with him. But realizing it was always painful again. It was pathetic.

Cedar had spent two decades desperately trying to win his mother's love and had done everything she asked of him. He had sacrificed everything. His freedom, his mental health, his chance to connect with his family. His very life. And it all had been for naught. It was easier to believe that Camille had never been capable of feeling love because that would imply that this wasn't his fault.

But he still couldn't stop asking himself whether he had done something wrong. Whether he could have done something to help his mother before she had lost her mind completely. Had there been a way to save her? Cedar didn't know, and now it was too late. He could barely save himself anymore. He didn't have the strength to carry the weight of another human who wasn't even willing to fight against her resentment. So, he had to make the final cut that separated him from her. He knew that this was the only way for him to escape the dreadful pitfall below them, and yet, it felt worse than being burned by metal had.

Before he could say something else, he felt a hand on his back.

Theodore gave him a gentle nudge. “Let's go inside now. We don't need to stand around here any longer.”

Cedar nodded and climbed into the carriage.

Seconds after that, the yelling began. Camille hadn't given up. “Cedar!” Her voice was still shrill, but it had gotten weaker. “Cedar, you can't leave! You know that those people don't care! Theodore just wants to use you before he'll get rid of the obstacle in his life. That whore just wants to gain your influence too! How can't you see that? Why would they care about you? They all know how horrible you really are. They know that-” It wasn't clear what she wanted to say. It had probably would have been hurtful.

But Theodore cut her off, his voice reminiscent of the one a warlord would use in the middle of a battlefield. “Camille Estien, I told you to shut your mouth. If you want to keep your tongue, you will stop trying to hurt my brother. You are so disgusting that even looking at you makes me want to gouge out my eyes. The one who will never be loved by anyone is you. Because you are trapped by your own hatred. With every day, you are sinking deeper into the resentment that eats you up inside, and no one will come to help you because you pushed away everyone. No one wants you in their life because they will be much happier without you. Do you know what will happen? You will die alone in a dark and cold cell while yelling for help that will never come. And at the same time, everyone you hurt, especially Cedar, will finally be free and live a wonderful life.” He climbed into the carriage as well.

Camille's face was overcome with fury, and she called out to her son again. “Cedar-” She didn't manage to say anything else.

Theodore already gestured to the guards to hold her arms behind her back. He refused to acknowledge her struggle and just stared at her with an emotionless gaze. “Even now, you still want to hurt him? Then you should be prepared to get back much worse. I promised you that you would feel a hundred-fold of all the pain you have given others. Let's begin with the easiest thing. Did you find out already? Father lied to you.”

As soon as her husband was mentioned, Camille froze. She stared at Theodore while barely being able to keep herself from struggling. “What do you mean?”

The emperor put on a fake smile, but the bottomless fury in his gaze didn't make him seem happy. “Father knew about your tantrums, so he hid the most important thing from you. He always said that Althea was just his mistress. But he actually married her. Cedar and I were present during the ceremony. Althea is now registered in our ancestral gallery as ‘Althea Estien’, who is the second wife of the previous esteemed emperor. I just thought that we should tell you that before we leave.” He quickly closed the door and gestured to the coachman. “Let's hurry. We don't want to deal with her tantrum now.”

The carriage began moving quickly as Cedar could only sit there and fear what attacking his mother's greatest weak spot would do.