Reincarnated as the God of Shitty Life Counseling for Defective Washed Up Waifus

Consultation 26.

“God, how do I store the knowledge of all the bad stuff on the internet in my head?” The girl seated across from me asked with a dead-serious expression on her face.

“Steal the Akashic records of your world that the Pentagon is hiding. When it is in your possession, you simply need to take it into your body.”

“Akashic records? What's that?”

“It is a compendium of all universal events, thoughts, words, emotions, and intent ever to have occurred in the past, present, or future in terms of all entities and life forms, this includes all the bad stuff on the internet that you want to preserve in your head.”

“You’re saying the Pentagon has something like that?”

“Huh? Uh, yeah. Some dumbass god dropped the Akashic records by accident and the Pentagon got their grubby paws on it. Since it already happened and humans discovered it, there wasn’t much else we could do about it. Though, in reality, gods just couldn’t be bothered to retrieve it. Ever since the Pentagon found it, they’ve been researching it trying to figure out what it is and how to use it, but to this date, they still haven’t made any progress.”

Gods honestly couldn’t care much for stupid Akashic records. You could buy them for dirt cheap at the low cost of 99 Godents, the equivalent to $0.99 in the human world, on Godazon; think Amazon, but the market was for gods only. It cost more to retrieve it than to just buy a new copy so we just forgot about it. Gods typically read through these Akashic records in their leisure time when not on the clock.

“You said a god dropped it? What exactly is it?”

“It took the form of a notebook with a single page in it when it entered your world.” Yes, it’s true identity was effectively the equivalent of a trashy novel in their world.

“How am I supposed to take it into my body if it’s a notebook with a single page in it?”

“Well, it’s actually pretty easy. You sure you want to know the great secret that even the Pentagon can’t figure out?”

“Yes, please enlighten me, God.”

“Well, the first step is to…”

“What? What is it?” She asked with high expectations and sparkles in her eyes.

“Rip that page out.”

“Oh! And then? And then?”

“Open your mouth.”

“And… then…” Her enthusiasm immediately died down a bit.

“And eat it.”

“Rip the page out and eat it… that’s the secret that the Pentagon can’t figure out?”

“Pfft. Yeah. They’re such idiots. They’re all overthinking it so much. They keep using the most advanced state of the art technologies to analyze it when all they need to do is rip the page out and eat it. If they do that, they could unlock all the mysteries of their world. Yet, because they’re scared to try anything that might permanently damage it, they will never figure it out. Even a monkey is smarter than them (lol).”

Honestly, when I was first reincarnated as a god and read about it in a copy of the Akashic records for her particular world I couldn’t stop laughing.

What the hell was with those idiots? Hahahaha!

“God, you’re not messing with me right now, are you?”

“I’m not, I swear. Trust me, find a way to work your way up in the government and you’ll eventually be let in on the secret of a mysterious notebook of unknown origins with a single incomprehensible page.”

“If you say so. I’ll give it a try. Thank you for your guidance, God.”

“No problem, it’s all part of the job.”