Reincarnated as the God of Shitty Life Counseling for Defective Washed Up Waifus

Consultation 25.

"God, I want to fuck the government." The red-haired loli I hadn’t seen in a while asked me with pure earnest eyes. It was the same kid who wanted to find out how to eat chocolate. 

I squinted my eyes and did my best to try and connect her previous question to what she was asking me now, but it was impossible. I saw no way to connect the dots.

Was it just a random whim?

I placed my hand over my forehead and squeezed it while wracking my brain seeking out some sort of answer.

“What’s wrong, God? Aren’t you going to answer my question? Did you not hear it?”

“I heard it. I’m just having a hard time comprehending it. Why do you suddenly want to fuck the government?”

“They confiscated all of my chocolate.”

“Hah? That’s it?”

“No, more specifically they confiscated all of my chocolate bananas that I slaved away for days on end to prepare. I planned to binge them all at once, but noooooo, the stupid government found where I had them and rescued them while I was away. Now I want to fuck the government the same way they fucked me.”

“Ah, so that’s how this is connected. I see. This is quite sad. To think they would confiscate them all.”

“Right? They’re the worst, so tell me how I can fuck them.”

“Well, there is actually a very easy way to do it.”

“Oh? There is an easy way?”

“Yes, you’ll be shocked by how easy it is. Especially for you.”

“Please enlighten me, God.”

“Despite being 24 years old, you have a loli appearance. All you need to do to completely destroy the government overnight is pose as an underage child and send them sexual pictures. You can then tip off law enforcement agencies indicating those government officials are pedophiles. With documented proof in those emails in the form of CP, they will be pretty fucked. Hell, if you want you can even track them down, then snap a few pictures in secret that make them look bad and you’ll get even more defaming evidence to fuck them over.”

“When you’re through with them, they will be on their hands and knees begging for your forgiveness. That is the advantage of your childish appearance.”

“God, are you a genius?”

“That’s not all you can do though. Instead of just informing law enforcement, you can easily fan the flames and stir up an even greater shit storm. To do so is also rather easy, you can leak the evidence of such events to political parties indicating their political rival is involved in such debauch activities and they will do all the work for you. They will try to drag each other down to hell without you even needing to lift a single finger after the initial setup has been completed. Not knowing who to believe is the disgusting trashy pedophile, the people will lose faith in both political parties and the government will be turned on its head while trying to suppress all the negative press.”

“I’ve seen the light. Thank you so much for showing me the proper path, God.”

“Haaaah. Yeah, yeah. No problem. Now hurry up and go fuck the government so I can get to my next client already.”

“Yes! I’ll be sure to send god one of my favorite chocolate bananas when I get them back or make some more.”

“Uh… no thanks. I really don’t want any of them.”

“What? Fine, your loss. More for me.”

The psycho loli departed, A sudden chill ran down my back when I thought about those… ‘chocolate bananas.’