LF Friends, Will Travel

Date: 69 PST (Post Stasis Time)

I had well and truly fucked up. In the history of my entire species, there was no other person who had fucked up nearly as much as I had just thirty minutes ago.

I hadn't meant to start screaming the way that I did, I hadn’t meant to stand up on the table in the middle of the lobby and I most definitely didn’t mean to use the language that I had. Regardless of what I meant to do, it didn’t change what I had done. Screamed at and insulted the heads of the Ion Technoratti… in public… in front of everyone on this neutral Federation station.

This was not an action normally taken or accepted by a diplomat of the Schuvva symposium, by one such as myself, but the new membership requirements from the heads of the Ion Technoratti had been... insulting. 60% of our GDP in tithes, and a demand for 40% of our population to move off world, to inevitably end up in debt bondage, up from 30% and 20% respectively.

So I had raised my objections, followed by the arguments, followed by me ending up shouting and screaming at the four heads, followed by my species being removed from their protection. How was I going to explain this to parliament?

"So yeah, I didn't do my job as a diplomat, so now we've been kicked out of the only protection we have from the universe as a whole, so I guess we just die now."

We Schuvva were a species of giant mammalian lagomorph quadrupeds. As herbivores, we’d simply conquered our home planet by being faster and more challenging to prey upon than everything else. Upon reaching the stars over 200 years ago, our entire species discovered that this… wasn’t enough. Being faster or more nimble than everyone else didn’t matter on a planetary scale.

We’d found nothing but enemies and predators amongst the stars, at times often literally. Civilizations based on torturing and enslaving others, roaming genocidal AI straight out of our worst science fiction. For species like ourselves, remaining on a single planet with nothing much to offer, the only method of survival was to cosy up to one of the bigger groups in the area.

Nothing ever came for free. The Technoratti might be bleeding us dry through huge amounts of debt and required tithes, but they were the least painful option out of a whole universe’s worth of terrible choices. They sucked, but at least they didn't enslave and torture entire races for fun, and in exchange they provided us with much-needed protection.

Protection we had just lost. Officially as of 25 minutes ago, the Schuvva symposium was once again alone in a hostile galaxy.

I held my head in my paws, giant ears slumped down in despair. Maybe if I went back groveling to the heads of the Ion Technoratti they'd consider letting us back in, maybe if-

"Hi, I'm Claire, I'm an ambassador for the Terran Alliance. "

I practically jumped out of my fur as the Terran sat down next to me, a large smile on her face and a hand outstretched towards my person. Strange furless bipeds from a harsh world, the Terrans were a relatively new race to the galactic community, having only reached the stars around seventy years ago. I didn’t know much about them, the Schuvva not really having much dealings with anyone from outside those Technoratti allowed us to contact.

There was an awkward pause as this strange creature just stared at me for a solid twenty seconds while I stared back with a confused open-jawed expression. Eventually, Claire withdrew her hand, seemingly taking a moment to start again.

"I’m sorry, normally I'd work slower and nicer for this kind of proposal, but we can’t go slow with this. I’m not even an official diplomat yet, but I’ve been given authorization to present you with this deal. Basically, time is of the essence because as soon as the Technoratti dickheads realize we're talking, they're going to try to contact you."

There was a pause as she seemed to glance up for a moment, directing my own view to the upper levels of the station. I could see the heads of the Ion Technoratti all looking down at us from behind the windows of the room I’d just left 20 minutes before, animatedly talking and pointing in our direction as the Terran continued to talk.

“Their plan is simple. Kick you out, make you sweat, force you to come grovelling back to them. Unfortunately for them, I’m not yet registered as a diplomat on the system, so they had no idea a Terran was on the station. That means as soon as they realize who I am, they’re going to contact you once again, maybe even offer you your original deal again.”

Almost on cue, I felt my pocket start buzzing as my GalNet connector went off. Slowly I reached into my pocket, seeing the familiar contact of one of the Technoratti heads.

"If you answer that and agree to their terms, we can no longer talk without starting a war. The Terran Alliance and the Ion Technoratti have a 'no touching each other's shit' agreement. But right now you're a free agent, they officially kicked you out and can now look at other options. Somehow based on your very public screaming, I don’t think you’re currently very happy."

Not very happy was an understatement. The Schuvva hated their current agreement with a rage-filled passion. Slowly I reached into my pocket and turned off the device, silencing it.

"I'm listening."

I jumped again as Claire gave a clap of those meaty appendages, a smile brimming across her face as she did so.

"Good man. Your parliament is on holiday right now, so you're going to have to call an emergency Section 9-AC meeting, get the following pieces of legislation passed, and then sign and agree to become a Terran Alliance Prospective member."

As the Terran spoke she started handing me bill after bill, placing documents into my paws. I started down at them, the intricate documents written in our native languages a perfect replication of a proposed law change to be voted upon by parliament.

"What, what are these? Why do you have these? How do you have these?”

Claire just shrugged, as if providing legal law-making documentation for a completely different species was a completely normal everyday situation.

"We've had these plans around for a while, we just couldn't act on them until you were a free agent. These are the bills you're going to need to get passed, ASAP, so you can join the Terran Alliance as fast as possible. The good news is your laws are already mostly compatible, you just need to get rid of the slavery stuff that was forced on you, We don't accept slavery in the Terran Alliance and Debt bondage is just slavery with a nice hat on it."

I couldn't help but feel more confused. That didn't help explain what was going on at all. Passing laws, alliances, everything just felt like a blur. I held out my paws, feeling my voice raise slightly as I spoke in frustration.

"Sorry, just what in the stars are you offering exactly, what is the Terran Alliance, What the grazes is going on!"

Claire seemed to give a sheepish smile, slightly deflating a little from the thousand-miles-an-hour energetic whirlwind of enthusiasm that had been speaking.

"Whoops, knew I missed something, I just got so excited at the neat bureaucratic process we got going on here. So the Terran Alliance is a grouping of 425 species, hopefully soon to be 426. This comes with military protection with a shared defence clause, free movement between all Terran Alliance members, and far-reduced export taxes between members. You would be a prospective member for one year, which has a few limitations but none of them relevant."

I couldn't help but frown. This crazy new species was offering supposedly everything we ever needed and wanted. It seemed too good to be true, as if we were being rushed into accepting yet another terrible deal.

"Well I can bring this up to parliament, your offer, then we can decide whether to ally with you after considering it carefully."

Claire shook her head, a more frantic desperate look appearing in her eyes.

"Trust me, we don't have the time. Normally we don't do this, we'd like to do this properly: Wine and dine you, make sure everyone is happy, and do the whole diplomatic shebang. But, as soon as I stop talking with you, your ex-masters will be allowed to strong-arm you again they’re going to say some scary things and you might end up slipping back into a bad situation."

Once again she pointed up, leading my view to once again focus on the heads of the Ion Technoratti. They seemed to be angrily shouting at each other, occasionally gesturing in our direction. I returned my focus back to the strange Terran as she continued to speak.

"We gotta act quick because if they realize that's happening, that your species is about to join us, they'll start trying to hide the members of your species they already have under debt bondage. That's why you need to get those laws passed within the hour, then we can sign the agreement. After that, I'll file the request for extradition of all Terran Alliance members from Technoratti space, which at that point will also include every Schuvva currently under the 'care' of the Technoratti."

Claire looked at me for a moment, voice turning from the bubbly happy self to a more serious look as she mentioned our people’s predicament, before handing me yet another item, a datapad.

"That's everything to know about the races in our alliance, our history, the exact details of the agreement. You can leave at any time, but we can at the very least fix your slavery problem".

My head was a blur, my ears swivelling frantically as the whiplash of the situation kicked in. One moment I had been worrying about being at the mercy of the Estorians, but now I was being... Offered a way out?

Not that I believed it, we had quickly learned there is no such thing as charity in the galaxy, everyone wants something.

"What would the tithe be, what is the cost to ally with the Terrans?"

A stern grimace appeared on her face, a finger outstretched as if chiding a pup instead of talking with a diplomat.

"Firstly, you wouldn't be allying with the Terrans, you would be part of an alliance of over 425 species. We are not the ones in charge, the Terran Alliance isn't even its official name. Nobody could decide what to call it and the unofficial name kinda stuck. We are not the leaders or masters of our members, no matter what some others might say"

There was a pause as Claire seemed to take a breath, their grimace being removed by a more neutral happy expression, returning to the more 'natural' energetic state that permeated this person.

"As for costs… You'd need to change the laws I gave you to be eligible to join. There's a set of core laws which can be summed up as 'Don't be a murdering slaving fuckface'. We'd expect you to pay for half the HyperLane we're going to build to connect you up to the rest of the alliance for trade and military movement, and membership costs 0.1% of your GDP for general admin costs, although this is reduced at 0.05% for the probationary year. There are a few more restrictions, you can't declare war on people, there’s a handful of other empires we have agreements not to interact with, that kind of thing."

I shook my head. None of this could be real. I must have passed out while screaming at the Technoratti head and I was now dreaming. A supposed alliance of protection and cooperation. It was the kind of tale we wrote about before we reached the stars: A myth you told to pups to keep them happy.

"What's the catch?"

Claire shook her head for a moment, before pulling out her GalNet connector and passing it to me.

"That really is everything, there's no catch. Look, you might understand it better if you look at this. I may have 'leaked' a video of you screaming at the Technoratti. Mostly in order to speed up the process on our end."

There, on the device in front of me, was a video of myself: stood up straight on the table, screaming my lungs off at the insulting offer I'd been given. The video had the title "Angry Bunny" and seemingly had over 2 billion views in a mere 15 minutes.

The real shock was the comments.

⇢ MalachitePyrrhuloxia posted: Holy shit it's adorable.

⇢ AridRayne posted: It's so fluffy I'm going to die!

⇢ KnucklesMacKellough posted: So it's basically a large bunny made out of a cloud. I love it.

⇢ Certain_Song5377 posted: I want one.

↳ Intrebute replied: It's a person, you can't own people asshole

↳↳ Certain_Song5377 replied: Fine I want to be its friend

↳↳↳ Intrebute replied: Better.

⇢ Certain_Song5377 posted: I looked them up. It's a Schuvva. They're under a weird slavery for protection deal.

↳ CobaltPyramid replied: Wait someone is slaving these things?! Fuck that!

↳ Alfonze423 replied: Group trip with some spacecraft and weapons to free em?

↳↳ newyorkxity replied: I'm in, I got an old Great Colony Rebellions fighter with updated weapons

↳↳↳ butterscoxh replied: Road trip to free the cloud bunnies!

Claire seemed to look slightly concerned as I read, giving a small tired sigh.

"Yea… I'm going to have to keep an eye on that. There is a fifty-fifty chance that they actually will turn up with weapons in Technoratti space, which would be a huge diplomatic incident."

I couldn't understand what was happening. I hadn't even met a Terran before, but now random people that I had never met, from a species I had no connection to, were all making plans to invade a powerful nation for us. Because of a single video of me shouting.

"What would you want of us?"

With that Claire gave another sigh, a sadness creeping into her eyes once again.

"Look, I know your entry into the galaxy wasn't the best, but this really is everything we want, there's no hidden motives here. Though if I was you I'd start planning for a huge tourism influx, since as soon as it's possible, other Terrans are going to want to visit the planet of 'Cloud bunnies'".

Could this be as simple as it was being advertised as?

"But why?"

That question caused Claire to laugh.

"Terrans are weird, we will literally bond with anything, especially if that thing is fluffy. Any moron can be a conqueror or force others to be a protectorate through threats of violence."

"We'd much rather be friends."