I can't move on

He's so cute.

He's so perfect.

He's been out for twenty minutes now and I have just been staring at him.

I feel so fucking guilty; it's crazy.

No matter what he says, I feel like nothing can undo what I did and it hurts.

No amount of money.

No amount of love.

Nothing can make up for the fact I ruined his life twice.

Even if he gets better, he will never be fully better, and it hurts thinking about that.

I watched as the door opened.

"Hi boss," Leo said and I shushed him.

"He's sleeping," I whispered.

I texted Leo when Ryder first fell asleep that we should get some work done.

He then said to leave the hospital.

I said hell no and told him to kick rocks.

So now he is here.

Thankfully, without that fucker, he calls his man.

He handed me my laptop and sat on the chair next to the bed.

I opened it and typed my password.

"Glad that fucker is not with you," I said with venom in my voice.

"Hey, at least I got him off your back. This is the first time in a long time that he's backed off."

"Yeah but at what cost?" I asked, raising my eyebrow.

Leo rolled his eyes and let out a sigh.

"Just be grateful."

"Be grateful that my best friend is fucking my number one enemy? Yeah, fucking right, I'll be grateful."

"Shhh," Leo said.

My face dropped and I looked at him irritated.

"And we aren't fucking."

"Yeah, right, you're not."

"We aren't," Leo said.

I raised my eyebrow.

"Swear?"

"Swear, we are starting over just like you guys."

"Did the BDSM thing put you off?"

"Did the lying thing put Ryder off?"

Oh.

Leo started to laugh and I shushed him.

"Gagged."

"What?"

"Nothing; now open your email; I sent you something."

"You sending me emails? Wow, Matteo is really changing you."

"You actually being a good guy? Wow-."

"Fucker," I said, cutting him off before he can "gag" me some more or whatever he said. 

I clicked on Leo's email.

"Victor Moretti. The guy who drugged Ryder?"

Leo nodded. "And the guy who betrayed Matteo."

"So Matteo didn't plan it."

Leo shook his head. "Matteo wasn't lying."

Weird.

I continued to read the email out loud. "Matteo's former right-hand man or whatever role he had. He is using his position to manipulate everybody. No one is safe from him. He is trying to plan Matteo's downfall, but it is failing miserably and now no one in the crime world will ally with him."

"Good."

"He is taking over many of Matteo's operations or actually trying to do. But it includes human trafficking and weapon smuggling. Why is this email split up like this?"

"The traits section?"

"Yeah, fuck does that mean?" I asked.

"Like what his traits are. He is strategic, manipulative, and willing to betray anyone for power."

Oh, okay.

"Okay," I said, picking back up from where he left. "Yeah, his operations focus on illegal trafficking, drugs, and people. He tries to modernize stuff and use advanced technology to evade law enforcement and rival bosses."

Okay.

I guess.

I scrolled down more. 

Elena.

"Who is Elena "La Sombra" Rivera? And why the fuck does everyone have these weird ass nicknames as middle names?" I asked.

"No clue about the nicknames, but I was doing some research on Victor and just Mafia in general and she has been an emerging power. She's ruthless yet principled and she maintains a pretty good public image, running high-casinos and luxury resorts as a front," Leo read.

"She's trying to take my crown," I read out loud.

"Apparently she has been for years, and we just now noticed her so she is not doing that good of a job, but I think that it is important that we have her on our radar at all times. And that's all for the mafia stuff I found," Leo said.

"Okay, yeah, thank you so much for coming here and actually using your emails…"

I watched as the door opened.

Leo and I both shut our computers as Ryder's nurse came in. 

"Oh, I see Ryder is sleeping," she said and I nodded.

"Yeah, he was tired from our physical therapy and after eating," I said.

Or was it from the medication?

The nurse nodded as she picked up a bunch of stuff.

"Do you think he is feeling tired from the medicine? Because he only took a couple bites of food and then told me it hurts when he swallows, do you think the medicine is affecting his sleeping and eating?" I asked, fixing my question.

The nurse stopped.

"I think it's definitely from the medicine and the fact that his body is in the process of healing. For the hurting while swallowing, I don't think that is a side effect of any of the medicine, so maybe he needs to add..."

I cut her off. "Isn't he on too much medicine already? I don't think prescribing him anything new is going to help. I think it is draining him."

"Well, the medication is keeping him with us today to make sure his organs don't shut off and he doesn't need surgery. The coma almost killed him and me and his doctor were talking about how it is very impressive that he is breathing on his own without a machine. So maybe we just see how he is tomorrow with the medication and we go from there, but I understand your worry with all of the medication but it is making him better. Trust me."

Okay.

Making sure his organs don't shut off.

Oh.

Okay. 

I.

I don't.

I don't want that.

I really don't want that.

Guilt started to come back as I thought about what she had just told me.

The coma almost killed him.

The coma that I caused almost killed him.

Maybe if I hadn't seen him from across the park and roped him into this, none of this would have happened.

Maybe if I hadn't slept in that day, none of this would have happened.

He would have still had a broken leg and arm but he would have been able to walk and not rely so heavily on the medicine to keep him alive.

He would have been able to leave the hospital and go home.

But no.

Now he is here and it is all my fault.

I gulped and let out a shaky sigh.

It's impressive that he is doing so much stuff.

That hurts.

It hurts so much.

I just want him to be okay and shield him from any more danger.

I just.

"Dominic." Leo pulled me out of my thoughts and I looked over at him.

"You're crying again," he mumbled.

Oh.

I rubbed the tears that had fallen off my cheeks.

Fuck, I haven't cried in such a long time.

And then when he was in his coma, I couldn't stop crying and now that he is awake and I should be happy, I am still crying.

I am crying because I just want him to be okay and be healthy.

I am crying because he is in pain.

I am crying because guilt is slowly eating me up inside and it is making me physically sick.

"It's okay to cry," the nurse said.

I let out a tasteless laugh. "I know."

She walked closer. "Do you know?"

I nodded. "I have been alive for 38 years; I think I know."

Venom.

I felt venom in my voice even though she was just asking. 

"You seem like the kind of guy who hasn't cried since he was a baby and now through all of this, you are pretty overwhelmed with everything that is happening and can't control your emotions so you are crying."

Oh.

"You should be a therapist," Leo said, laughing.

"Am I correct though?"

Yes.

I can't.

I would never admit that.

"You are very correct, but his pride won't let him admit it."

She nodded. "Figured. Dominic, it is okay to cry; don't let anything or anyone tell you otherwise."

I had just noticed that she had the food cart in hand.

"Okay," I said, nodding slowly.

"If you guys need anything else, you know where to call me," she said and just like that, after completely reading me, she left.

"She got your ass so good."

"Shut up," I said to Leo, and he started to laugh.

I watched as Ryder rustled in his sleep and then I turned back to shush Leo.

He put his hands up and mouthed an apology.

"You can leave now unless you have something else to show me," I said.

"Not mafia-related but go back to the email I sent you and look at the following one," he said.

I opened back up my computer and scrolled down.

"Ryder Callahan, what's this?"

"Just some stuff on him to help you be more open-minded in rebuilding trust with him."

Oh.

"Of course, it is not everything but just some stuff I found and then the rest is up to you to figure out when you get to know him more; who knows, it might change your feelings for him."

"Change, that's funny."

"Not like that boss, like, who knows it might make you fall deeper in love with him."

Oh.

I like the sound of that.

I would love to fall deeper in love with him.

Anything for him.

"He was top of his class? That's fucking crazy," I said.

"Yeah. He has so many fucking awards that my computer crashed opening the page with everything on it. A lot of them are regional essay competitions that he got 1st place in."

I felt myself smile.

That's why he was so helpful to Isabella.

"He has a record of being suspended multiple times, though. Like talking back to teachers, skipping classes, smoking, and just fucking with people."

"That doesn't seem like him at all, besides the smoking part," I said, with a worried look on my face.

"The more you know, I guess. He also had a social media page and a private poetry blog, where he shared his deeply personal and emotional writings; I fucking bawled reading one of those," Leo said.

"He volunteered at the local animal shelter, was part of a young theater group, and was in his school musical."

"He can sing?"

"Apparently so because he got the lead role for that year's musical."

I read more into his email. "A lot of people didn't like him; why?"

"Well, he was too perfect; I am looking at all of his classmate's social media posts about him and they didn't like him because there wasn't a single thing he was bad at."

"People hate on you for that?"

"Apparently so. Because he was just genuinely so good at everything, especially musical and theater stuff, jealousy took over for a lot of people, and I think that's when he started to sit alone and be ostracized."

Oh.

That makes my heart hurt to hear that.

"I guess you can ask him about the rest but that is all I have for now," Leo said and we both shut our laptops again.

I smiled.

Oh.

That did make me fall for him more.

I opened my phone.

"How much does acting school cost? Or whatever that's called."

"Same as college, there are just a few more expenses."

"Okay, that's doable," I said and sent a message to one of my men who handles Isabellas's college fund as well.

He can't go into it but he does put my money into it.

"Ask him before you jump the gun."

"I will, I will."

"Okay, boss, I will see you tomorrow or whenever, but I have to get back."

I nodded.

"Make sure to keep Matteo at bay for me."

"Will do," and just like that, Leo left.

I put my phone down and slid down so my head hit the pillow.

I started to cuddle Ryder and kissed his face.

I will ask him all of this stuff tomorrow and if he wants to go to acting school.

Yeah.

That sounds like a good plan.

I smiled as I closed my eyes.