I can't move on

I felt myself slowly start to wake up.

I smiled.

Dominic's hands and body felt so warm against mine.

Fuck.

I feel so freaking tired; it is crazy but I have to go to the bathroom so fucking bad. 

I pushed myself into a sitting position and I turned over to Dominic.

He is genuinely so attractive.

Every day he gets sexier and sexier, I swear.

Fuck.

I think its that theory thing.

I don't know the name of the theory nor do I know what I am thinking about it but liking someone you know you shouldn't.

Or liking someone who has done things to you that you should hate but you don't.

Manipulation?

Yes, always. 

Maybe I should stop thinking about the negatives and just be happy.

Stop thinking about all of the shit that he indirectly and directly caused and just be happy.

Whatever.

I am going to piss my pants so I'll think about that later.

I reached out to wake Dom up but I stopped myself.

I can do it myself.

He's sleeping and I already know he is tired so I can do this.

I slipped out of his arms and put my feet on the floor.

I put my hands on the wall and stood up.

My legs were shaking but I was standing.

Oh fuck.

You know what?

Fuck it.

I am just going to crawl fuck this.

I put my knees on the floor and then my hands.

Yeah, it's way easier.

I slowly made my way to the bathroom. 

Holy fuck.

What would have taken me like 2 minutes with the help of Dominic took me 10 minutes crawling on the floor.

I stood up with the help of the doorknob and opened it.

Thank God they have rails in here.

I used the rails and then shut the bathroom door behind me.

Since when did they have bathtubs in hospital rooms?

Probably some rich people shit that I wouldn't understand.

I am going to sit my stupid ass down on this toliet before I get piss everywhere.

Hey, I went to the bathroom without help!

That's progress.

I stood up and flushed the toilet.

I washed my hands and then dried them.

I could definitely walk back.

I used the door to get outside of the bathroom and then I shut it.

I just pissed in the dark.

Lol.

I used the wall and I slowly started to walk to my side of the bed.

Slowly.

Holy fuck.

That took 4 minutes, but at least I am here.

I took 2 breaks but that is still progress.

I used the bed to stand up and walked to the edge of the bed and I stood up looking at Dominic.

Swear he just got more handsome in the time it took me to go to the bathroom and back.

He had my pillow in a headlock, and his bedhead was somehow worse.

I felt myself smile and slowly make my way back into bed.

I pushed him over slightly and sat down.

Forgive and forget?

Maybe I should.

Like, not completely forget, because if you forget, then things tend to repeat themselves but with the same kind of vibe.

My brain has forgiven him.

I feel like if it didn't, I would still be very standoffish.

I guess I do like the whole starting over thing but I did like what we had.

But all "good" things must come to an end.

And now we are here.

Making new things.

New good things.

Or at least I hope. 

I clicked the button on the wall for the nurse to bring breakfast.

I guess it's better.

Actual love.

Or pity.

I don't know.

I want to pretend that I know what Dominic is thinking but I don't.

No matter how blunt he is.

I don't at all know what he is thinking.

I don't know if he is doing this because he wants to or if he is doing this out of pity because he feels bad.

Fuck.

I should not be thinking about this.

I have never been an overthinker.

Why now?

I blinked.

Fuck.

I don't need this.

I don't need to think about all of the bad stuff.

What if I just think about the good?

I think about the handsome man sleeping next to me.

I think about all of the stuff that he has done for me and is doing for me.

I am not a huge fan of acts of service in place of actual love but when it is both, it feels really good. 

It feels so fucking good.

Having someone who cares so much that they are willing to waste money on you and spend all this time with you and do all of these things for you is such a good feeling.

Even if he is just doing it for sex.

Well, I don't know that.

I don't know if he just sees me for my body, but I think this is a lot of work for sex.

Way to much work.

Especially with the mediocre performance I gave him.

I watched as the door opened. "Good morning, Ryder," my nurse said with a smile.

I smiled back at her as she came in with the food tray.

"I don't know when Dominic went to bed last night but he is still sleeping," I said, smiling as she put the food down in front of me.

She put his food on the table next to him and came back over to give me my medicine.

"He was worrying a lot about you last night so I am glad he is finally sleeping."

I smiled.

"He was worrying about me?" I asked.

She rolled her eyes and started to laugh. "Yep, and I kept trying to tell him that everything was going to be okay, but no, he just kept worrying."

Somehow that feels good.

It feels really good.

"Have you gotten up on your own today?" She asked as I shoved food into my mouth.

I nodded. "Yes, surprisingly, I crawled to the bathroom and then was able to walk back with the help of the wall!"

"Oh, that's amazing!" Her joy was bringing me joy.

"And the food doesn't hurt today."

"Perfect, you are just having so many wins!" I smiled. "Yes, I am."

She continued to walk around the room doing all of the stuff that she normally does and she turned on the television and then handed me the remote.

"Now you can actually change the channels."

"Thank you."

"Anytime," she said and she sat down in one of the chairs next to my bed. 

I continued to eat as she and i watched the television.

It was nice to have someone's company while Dominic was sleeping.

Just being with someone is nice.

So nothing will happen to me.

"Ryder." I looked over at her. "Yes?"

"Uh, not to overstep, and you don't have to answer this if you don't want to, but is Dominic your real fiance?"

I started to laugh.

The way she said it was so awkward and that made me laugh.

"I have the ring to prove it," I said, holding up the ring. "But you got us; he is my fake fiance."

"Thank god."

"Why that reaction?"

She started to laugh. "I didn't want to mindlessly ask that question for you guys to actually be fiances and then it got awkward."

"It wouldn't have; I would have thought it was funny, but..." I stopped. "What gave it away?"

She stopped and I watched as her face dropped.

"I don't know, just your whole relationship gave sugar daddy vibe in like this weird predatory way and I just wanted to make sure that you weren't being held against your will here or being trafficked across the country because you do look pretty young," she said.

"Trafficked across the country? Holy shit," I said, my eyes wide.

She put her hands up. "I just wanted to make sure."

"Good for you for checking but nope, he's some rich guy and I am 21. And it is his fault I am the way I am right now so he is obligated to take care of me," I said.

"Oh okay. Sorry, they don't tell us ages, or they do, and I can't remember, so I have to guess, but that's good that you are safe." She said nodding. "Uh, why the ring though?"

I shrugged. "I don't know, but." I looked down at the ring and played with it on my finger. "All I know is that I like it."

"That's good, that's good."

We went back to sitting in silence watching the television. 

"Oh, uh." She stood up. "I'll get going because I just remembered I have another patient to check on but the doctor said you can have your first sponge bath today. So just sitting in the tub; it can have some water in but I don't want you to stand up," she said and it felt almost planned.

"Oh, okay, I will ask Dominic when he wakes up," i said and she nodded. 

"Well, call me if you need anything; make sure you finish your food."

And just like that, she was gone.

I looked back up at the cartoon playing on the television.

She was nice.

I am glad she is my nurse.

Really glad.

She makes this whole process less worrying.

I hear a yawn and movement next to me.

I smile and I look as Dom blinks at me without getting up.

He looks so freaking disoriented but very cute.

"Was that the nurse?" he said in this deep voice and I nodded.

"Yeah, she was just talking to me and bringing us food."

He nodded, sitting up in bed. "That's good; you could have woken me up, though."

"Nah, you looked comfortable," I said and he leaned in to kiss the side of my neck.

I smiled as I felt my stomach get all tingly.

"I am going to wash my face and brush my teeth and then come eat with you," Dominic said. "Have fun."

He got out of bed and slowly shuffled over to the bathroom.

It looked at me first again.

My heart was fucking pounded as he walked away.

Fuck, when did I get so desperate around him?

Fuck.

Sexy bitch.

A few minutes had gone by and I watched as he came back. He looked more energized, and his boner was gone.

What a shame; at least it still looks big.

"What are you looking at?"

"You," I said a little to fast for my liking. 

He came over to his side and grabbed his food and the two of us started to eat.

"What did the nurse tell you?" he asked in between bites.

"She and I were just talking and then she said that I needed a sponge bath or I am sorry that the doctor signed off on it; she wasn't calling me stinky, I think," I said.

Not telling the full story isn't technically lying.

"Oh, okay, cool, we can do that after we are done eating or do you want to do physical therapy first?"

"I actually did some unintentionally walking around because I had to go to the bathroom and didn't want to wake you so maybe we could do physical therapy later," I said.

"Oh, did you make it okay?"

I nodded. "After some crawling, I made it back on my own with the help of the wall."

Dominic smiled. "That's good; I am glad you are making progress!"

I nodded.

I feel like that's all I ever do but I just want to make sure that he knows I hear him, even when I don't have the right words to say.

"You should slick your hair back."

Dominic laughed. We had been in the bathroom for like 10 minutes now and he was just looking at me naked in the tub and scrubbing me slowly.

It was really awkward but I was having fun in some weird way.

In some weird ass way. 

"Then I will look like I'm some mob boss."

I started to laugh as I watched as his face dropped. "I think it is fitting."

"Yeah, I walked into that one. Then you are going to see the fact I am balding and it's not going to be ominous; it is just going to show that I am old."

"No but I think it will be hot," I said with a smile.

"I think you look hot."

My face dropped and I rolled my eyes. 

For some reason, I am starting to get very embarrassed.

Extremely embarrassed.

"Don't cover yourself up; I'm not looking."

"Liar," he started to laugh as he continued to look at me. 

I pointed at him. "Keep your hands to yourself or I am calling the nurse on your ass."

The two of us started laughing as he put his hands up. 

"My hands are to myself."

"Yeah, fucking right, fight the allegations and get back."

"What allegation am I fighting?" He asked, laughing, and I started to cough.

Holy fuck, I needed that laugh.

"Are you okay?" Dom said, still laughing but rubbing my back.

"Yeah, I'm okay, I swear," I said.

After a couple of minutes, we calmed down, and he sat down on the chair in the bathroom.

"What's on the list today?"

Full one eighty okay. "For our whatever the fuck?"

"Yeah, steps back to normal," he said and I nodded.

"I guess talking about what we both like would be nice," I said.

God he was staring.

I sunk deeper, trying not to get my cast wet but also covering myself.

"Okay, yeah, sounds good."

Please start.

Start Dominic.

Stop fucking staring at me and start.

Fuck this is embarrassing.

I rubbed my stomach under the water.

"Stop acting like I haven't seen you naked," he said.

"Well, that was under different circumstances," I said.

We were laughing just a second ago but now I feel embrassed.

Not really shy embarrassed.

Humiliated embarrassed.

And the more he looked at me.

The more nervous I got.

"How? Because I can't see your ass."

I rolled my eyes.

He is very blunt.

I love that about him but he is extremely blunt.

"No, it's just. I don't know I have gained weight."

"Okay? Me too." not helping at all.

God, when have I ever been insecure?

I have never cared like that about anything.

Nothing.

But now with him.

I am so fucking aware

I'm aware of everything and I want to be the best I can be with him.

And I just.

"We can talk about what we like later; tell me what you are thinking. You are furrowing your eyebrows," Dominic said.

"Why do I care so much around you?"

Dominic gave me this weird look as he moved the chair so he was closer to me and facing me. "What?"

"Why do I care so much when I am around you? Like I'm aware."

"I don't know. I care when I am around you."

"Yeah, but is it like you start to change slowly?" I asked.

"A little vague but I guess. Changing for the better?" he said, shrugging.

"Not really; I am more insecure now. It's weird; I feel like I don't know, like I'm your partner or something and I care what you think and I don't want to be too bad or top terrible or let myself go because I think you deserve better," I said, ranting.

"Is it about you gaining weight?"

Oh. 

"I guess thats a part of it; it's not even that much but I don't know how I feel…" my voice went raw. 

"The weight is healthy weight and you can't even tell," he stopped. "I mean, you can, but I don't care how much weight you gain as long as you are healthy. That is my top priority."

"Well, I care."

"Okay, then I care if you care."

"You just said you don't care."

"But you do and if it bothers you, then it others me," he said.

"But I am caring because I am worried that you are going to change your mind," I said.

"Well, I don't care and I know that you are worried and you care but I don't want you to be caring if you are holy caring if I am caring... if that makes any sense," he said.

"I guess it does," I said, mumbling.

"Good, now stop being insecure."

Why'd he say it like that?

Suddenly I am not insecure and feeling horny.

What a shame.

Why does my brain keep flipping stuff?

I don't understand.

Now I was the one checking him out.

He had put on shorts but was still shirtless and looking at me.

I might need to fan myself.

I don't want to jump the gun.

I told myself I wouldn't jump the gun, but here we are.

My body wants to jump the gun.

My body wants to jump more than just the gun.

"Did you hear me?"

"Huh?" I asked.

"What's your favorite hobby besides knitting?"

"Oh, uh. Smoking, ugh, I miss it."

"Besides that."

"Besides that? I like acting, I guess or I did, and I like baking," I said with a smile.

"Is that why you were in your schools musical?"

I felt my shoulders drop. "You were stalking me?"

"Leo was and he was showing me stuff so I could get to you more."

"You could have just asked me," I said, laughing.

He just shrugged. "Are you going to answer my question?"

"Uh yeah, that's why. I auditioned on a whim. It was little shop of horrors; I don't even know how my school got the rights for it, but I got seymour and yeah."

"That's really cool."

"Do you know what that is?"

He shook his head. "But you are talking about it like you like it so I like it." 

I smiled.

"What about you? What is your favorite hobby?"

"Oh, I don't really know. It was basketball, but I haven't played in a really long time so I don't know, especially with the arm now. So I guess mafia shit," he said.

"Mafia shit?"

"Yeah, I like the technical shit and just anything with money, because I like economics."

I nodded.

"Cool, cool."

Now the word mafia doesn't even bother me.

It should.

It so should.

But it does not.

"Yep, what's your favorite genre of music?" dominic asked.

"I love crazy fucking music, like alternative rock but not the socially acceptable kind. I also like indie rock like Chase Atlantic, seductive ass kind of indie rock, and just crazy shit. And you?"

"I am a big fan of classical music, just like no lyrics and just music but I will listen to everything."

"You look like you would like classic music."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Dominic started laughing.

"You just give that vibe."

"Thank you, I guess."

"Um, what's your favorite movie?" I asked him.

"The godfather."

I blinked. "Give me another answer."

"Uh okay. I am a really big fan of scary movies. This is not a good example but that movie with the guy who directed White Chicks, I am pretty sure, it is called a scary movie. Do you know what I am talking about?"

I shook my head slowly.

"That movie was fucking funny. I was 13 or 14 when I watched it but it was really fucking funny. So unrelated but that just sparked everything. Recently or relatively, Coco because its just a good movie," he said.

"Now that is a good answer," i said back.

"What about you? Since you want to question me so damn much."

"Recently, I liked blue beetle. Xolo is so fucking sexy."

"Who?"

"The guy from Cobra Kai? Fuck, he is so fine. The movie was pretty good—nothing too special but the fact they were also Mexican added to it," I said and he nodded slowly.

"What's your favorite food?" Dominic asked me. 

"Pasta."

"Same."

The both of us started laughing.

At least, that's one thing that we have in common.

He got closer to the bathtub and his looks changed. 

"What?" I asked.

"Still on the top of liking things; I want to know what your favorite position is," he said with a flirting smile. 

"Sex wise?" he nodded. "None of them," I blurted out.

"You don't like having sex?"

"I mean, not really; I haven't had the best experiences with it," I said, shrugging.

He nodded. "I understand why you are in different then."

Yeah.

I guess.

My heart started to race.

I don't know why.

But it started to beat.

It started to beat like fucking crazy.

I feel impending doom.

I don't even know from what.

I don't know.

I don't.

"I mean," I started pulling myself out of my thoughts. "I guess whatever crazy position you had me in felt nice."

"Did it? You sounded like you were in pain." He asked concerned.

"Duh, that's the fun part," I said.

I felt my face start to go hot as I closed my eyes.

I did not mean to say that out loud.

"So you like pain?"

"I didn't say that."

"You just did," he said laughing.

"Did not; your dick is just nice," I said.

Yeah, not helping my case here.

I shrugged.

"What's your favorite position?"

"Missionary."

"That was fast."

"Yep," he said and a perverted smile grew on his face as he looked me up and down.

Fuck.

"Good for you," I said, nodding.

"Extremely good for me," he said.

His eyes.

They started to wander.

And i felt myself gulp.

"I​​'ll call the nurse if you keep looking at me like that," I said, pointing at him, and he started laughing like he was innocent.

He got back down on his knees and started to scrub me.

He continued to scrub me and make sure I was clean.

It felt good because I have been sweating and all nasty for the past couple of days.

And even if I wasn't doing it myself.

And I was slowly losing my independence.

And my bodily functions at this point.

It felt nice.

Yeah nice.

Nice.

Nice to be bathed by the guy who caused all of this.

So fucking nice.

I sighed.

I shouldn't be spiteful.

I said I would forgive and forget.

I said I would.

I watched as Dom stood.

He was drenched, and what clothes he had on were also wet.

He looks slightly irritated but masks it really well.

"Uh."

"Why don't you just get in the bath with me since you are already all wet?" I suggested.

I was trying not to sound desperate but it came out like that.

And I so was.

I was so desperate.

I should not be like this.

I should forgive and forget but not like this.

Not like I'm some whore.

He raised his eyebrows and smiled, stripping down.

"Don't expect anything out of me," I said, moving so he could sit across from me in the tub and still not get any of my casts wet.

"I'm not; just enjoying your company is enough for me."

"For now," I said and he sighed, rolling his eyes.

"You just love to start shit where this isn't."

I gulped. "I'm not."

He cut me off. "You so are. I just said that enjoying your company is enough for me and you go straight to." He started to mock me. "For now."

Oh.

I guess I was doing that.

"I." I wanted to come up with some reason but I had none. "I'm sorry, I'm just, don't know," I said.

And he nodded.

And we made eye contact. "I mean, you're right."

"I am?"

"You tend to be. You being naked makes me horny; I know that, you know that. I am not going to sit here and be this dotting angel. I want to fuck you in this bathtub, but the nurse said no and you are also not in the shape for that and no I am not body-shaming you; I am saying you can't stand on your own and you have two casts and need a sponge bath," Dominic said, flashing me a fake smile and then going back to looking at me with a straight look on his face.

"I am sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for," Dominic said.

I love mean nonchalant dominic.

And maybe that is toxic of me, but I love his lovey-dovey side too and also the mean, nonchalant side of him; it is all just so hot.

Holy fuck. 

"Yes, I do. I am being this weird, clingy, insecure, and that's not how I normally am."

"It's fine; I don't care. I think its endearing but if you are going to be just insecure and crazy, then that will get on my nerves. Starting arguments out of nowhere and just not telling me stuff gets annoying. I am not saying you are doing that now; I am just saying it so you can watch your tone," he said and I nodded.

Good point.

He started to massage my ankle that wasn't in the cast. "You have sexy legs."

"Thanks weirdo. My hairy ankles turn you on."

I shouldn't have asked that.

Why is he looking at me like that?"

"You know it."

"Weirdo," I said again. "Only for you. You just look cute all pruned up in the bathtub."

I looked at my fingers. "Maybe its time for me to get out; we can have bathtub sex at another time."

He nodded and got out before me, wrapping a towel around himself and then helping me out of the bathtub.

He awkwardly dried me off and even brought me lotion.

The day went on as normal as well as the next few days.

My legs were fucking achy like hell but the nurse said I was making really good progress and even said the words go home in the same sentence.

Dominic held the door open for me as we slowly started to walk into the hallway of the hospital where my room was.

"Change of scenery, but also do you some good instead of being in that cramped room walking around," Dominic said.

He always knew the right things to say and I don't know how he did it.

I nodded.

He had been getting more and more touchy as the days went on and looking lost in thought.

Instead of holding my arms in front, he walked slowly behind me as I stumbled on my own.

"It's hurting like hell, dominic," I said.

"Probably because this is your first time walking alone, it's going to hurt, but you are doing it without assistance, and I am proud of you," he said.

I slowly walked as I felt all warm with all of the nice stuff he was saying about me.

"Kind of jealous though," he mumbled.

"Jealous of what? Not being able to walk," I said, leaning onto the wall to turn around and look at him.

His eyes met mine.

Oh.

"No, just jealous that everyone can see you," he said as he checked me out slowly, like I was his next meal.

"I am in a band shirt and some shorts; no one is looking."

"I am."

"Well, because you are my fake fiance, that's your job; fake it till you make it," I said. 

He blinked.

"Your ass looks really good in those shorts. I was looking at your ass," he blurted out.

"I know, I could tell by the eyes," I said, propping myself back up and continuing to walk without Dom's help or the wall.

He laughed. "I thought I was being slick."

"You are never being slick," I said.

He continued to walk after me slowly as we made it down the hallway. 

I looked up at a nurse coming our way.

She continued to walk towards us until she stopped and looked at me.

I looked over at Dom, who was now next to me.

He's so handsome.

God, I am falling so far in love.