I can't move on

I watched as he sighed

The beeping continues to get louder and louder as I watch Ryder's mind start to race.

I want him to answer yes.

But at the same time, I don't want him to lie.

If he wants to say no, I will respect that.

I will.

It will hurt, but I will do it all for him.

"I know after everything, you have every right to say no. I will still support you and your family financially and pay for anything you need, but I will be out of your life physically. All you have to do is say the words," I said.

My throat felt raw and it hurt like hell.

I can only imagine how Ryder feels right now.

All of the pain he has gone through.

All of the stuff that was my fault. 

I'm sorry.

He closed his eyes. "If I say yes, that takes away the weight of all of the things I have been saying and thinking. But if I say no, that makes me the asshole."

His voice was hoarse.

"If you say yes, it does not take away from the weight of what you have been saying at all. And if you say no, you are not the asshole. Either way, I will be okay; I just want you to tell the truth and not lie," I said. 

"I want what you want," I said with a soft smile.

I continued to rub his leg slowly while looking at his face.

He shook his head.

"This is your last fucking chance, old man. If you fuck up again, I don't want to ever see you again," he said, and I felt a smile grow on my face.

"I."

He cut me off. "We are going to take things slowly from the start. And I don't want you to ever lie to me again and I won't ever lie to you again."

I nodded.

"I agree, whatever terms you want. I agree to."

"You also have to come up with your own things. Our love is not just one-sided; it's two-sided, so we both need to consider our feelings," he said.

Two-sided.

My smile grew wider and wider.

"Of course," I said.

I quickly stood up and went over to my phone.

"What are you doing?" Ryder asked and I turned back over to him.

"Texting leo."

"About what?"

No more lies.

Not now, not ever.

No more lies, my love.

"To get you a better room and to bring you some flowers," I said with a smile as I typed it into my and Leo's messages. 

I sent the message and Ryder nodded.

"I think the flowers are overkill; I literally just gave you a second chance."

"But you also woke up from your coma so I think this is one hundred percent, not overkill," I said and he nodded. "Whatever you say."

I pulled a chair over and sat right next to him.

I grabbed the physical therapy pamphlet from him.

"I didn't read this one or the mourning one."

"Why? I think there are some important things in there," he said. His voice was still hoarse but it was getting better.

"I was in denial."

"Denial?"

"Yeah. Worried you weren't going to wake up, so I just didn't read it," I said and he nodded.

Ryder pulled the pamphlet so we could both see it at the same time.

"Starting off with baby steps, like either using a nurse or significant other to help you walk to the bathroom and back, stuff like that," I said, reading it out.

"Thank god I have my fiance and I don't have to ask the nurse," he said, flipping the page.

Fiance.

"Of course, of course."

We continued to read through it, looking at all the forms of physical therapy he had to do or could do.

"Swimming physical therapy or water therapy, that sounds fun," he said, pointing at the picture on the pamphlet.

My face dropped and he started to laugh.

"I can teach you how to swim and do my physical therapy at the same time. Or you can stand in the shallow end and help me," he said and I just shook my head laughing.

"Whetever you want to do. Maybe I should learn to swim," i said and he nodded.

I watched as the door opened and two nurses came in along with Leo and Matteo.

I moved my chair back to where it was and stood up.

"Dominic, would you like to come with me while we get Ryder in his new room?" She asked and I nodded slowly.

I followed after her and she started to talk.

I don't want to leave Ryder.

I don't.

But he is in good hands.

I know that.

I know. 

"Sir?"

"Huh?"

"I asked how you were feeling," she said.

Holy fuck, she was walking really fast.

"I am fine," I said.

She wasn't the regular nurse so this was a little bit awkward.

"Are you? I was told you weren't keeping food down and not sleeping," she said.

"I mean yeah."

"So you aren't fine?"

"I am, just not really," I said and she laughed.

Wasn't a joke but okay.

"Okay, well, I have some medicine for you to take, and make sure you take it every day, okay?"

She was talking to me like I was a child.

I nodded.

She laughed again.

I feel very awkward.

She brought me into this room as she went through the different cabinets of medicine.

"So is that your nephew?"

I felt myself cringe.

"Uh no," I said, as I tried not to laugh due to the embarrassment I was feeling.

"Your son then?" She said, turning around. "I didn't know you," she stopped herself.

"I just haven't seen her, typical." She snarled. "So I was just wondering," she asked.

Typical?

I raised my eyebrows at her as she laughed.

"What is typical supposed to mean?" I asked with more hostility than I had planned.

"Well, you know."

"No, I don't know," I said and she started laughing and shrugging her shoulders.

"They don't typically…" They.

Her voice went silent in my ears as I started to feel uncomfortable.

She continued to talk and I couldn't bring myself to listen to it.

I blinked slowly at her, just slowly shaking my head.

It hurts and it wasn't even directed at me.

Hurts like hell.

They?

Typical?

They.

"Can I have my medication?" I asked, cutting her off, and she nodded.

They.

That pissed me off.

Assumptions of people piss me off so fucking much. 

I sighed.

That's how people judged my mom.

They would label her with "they."

Saying stuff like that's their culture.

Or they do not typically speak English.

And they.

They.

They. 

They said so many things about her.

So many nasty things.

My mom.

My poor mom.

She. 

She handed it to me and I took it quickly.

"Please take me to his new room," I said and she nodded.

"Of course.."

"Silently," I said, cutting her off, and she gave me this disgusted look and started walking.

Fucking disgusting.

We finally made it to the room and she gestured towards the door.

"Here you are, and for the record, I don't appreciate you speaking to me like that."

I blinked.

"And for the record, Ryder is my fiance and for the record, I don't appreciate you talking about him like that. Typical. They don't typically. They. They." I shook my head at her. "I plan to report you to your manager for racism."

Her face paled.

She had nothing to say.

That made me angry.

"Thank you," I said and opened the door and shut it without her.

Happy face.

I am happy.

Happy face.

"What took you so long?" Ryder asked and I smiled at him.

"The." I stopped myself.

I didn't want to lie to him.

"The nurse said some bigoted shit, is all."

Ryder's face dropped and I sat down in the hospital bed with him.

I had moved the rooms so I could sit and sleep with him in the hospital bed and so it looked more like home.

"Torwards you?" he asked worrisomely.

And I shook my head, looking at Matteo, who was on his phone.

"No, towards you, and it pissed me off and reminded me of my mom, so I just threatened her," I said.

He laughed. "Don't say that like its nothing; what did she say?"

"First she asked me if you were my nephew and then my son and asked where my wife was. And because you're."

"Blexcian?"

"Excuse me?" I asked, laughing.

"Black and Mexican."

I nodded. "She assumed my wife didn't show up to visit you because its typical for them or some shit and that pissed me off."

Ryder laughed.

"Its over now, lol. You can stop furrowing your eyebrows," he said, reaching up to rub the middle of my forehead.

I relaxed my face muscles and nodded.

"Good, it makes you look younger," he said.

And I smiled.

"Leo is in the bathroom and he gave me the flowers you had ordered me," he said, pointing at the flowers on the table.

"They are pretty."

"Like you," I said, winking, and he rolled his eyes.

"The nurse also talked about because I am up, I should start my physical therapy right away and because I don't trust Matteo and Leo is shitting, I was waiting for you to come back," he said.

And I felt myself smile and my heart started to beat faster. 

I rubbed my nose.

"Okay, what did she tell you you needed to do?"

"Just some walking around the room and things like that, but nothing more. She also said I couldn't knit, which I was very devastated about," he said with a sad look on his face.

"Well, you can get back to knitting once we do more physical therapy," I said and his face lit back up. "Yes, that's why we should get on to it now."

I nodded, standing up out of bed and taking the blankets off of him.

I put both of my arms out for him and he took them. "Go slowly; I don't want you to hurt yourself," I said.

He nodded and slowly moved both of his legs and put them on the ground.

"I am still a little numb, so you are actually going to have to help me," he said.

"I am right here; I will not let go until we get back into bed," I said.

He slowly stood up as I held him.

He started to rock back and forth but he was still standing up.

"Baby steps, just tell me when," I said and he nodded.

We slowly walked as he put one leg in front of the other.

Slowly.

"I don't know if they moved us or you did, but I think the feel of the bedroom feels actually nice and less hospital-like."

I smiled. "I am glad you like it."

We continued to walk around.

There are so many things I should have said.

So many things I should have told Ryder.

And there are things I shouldn't have said, but I also.

I also have no regrets; I will do it over and over again in a heartbeat.

I want you to know the.

"No more lies, okay?" Ryder pulled me out of my thoughts.

"Of course."

"Even if it is small, don't lie to me. The mafia shit was a lot," he said, slightly laughing.

"I understand that, and I am sorry for lying to you. We can take this slow; take everything slow," I said and he nodded.

"I would be okay with that," he said and I nodded.

Everything you are okay with, I am as well.

We slowly made our way back to Ryder's bed and he sat down slowly.

He looked tired.

"You rest; you look tired," I said.

"Walking is a lot of work," he said and the both of us started to laugh.

"With more practice, it will get easier," I said and he nodded.

I helped him swing his legs around and get under the covers.

I walked to the other side and sat down next to him in bed.

I watched as Leo came out of the bathroom.

"You look comfy," he said, laughing, and I nodded.

"Extremely," I said, getting under the covers with him.

"You sleeping here tonight?" I nodded.

"Okay, boss, we will leave you too it. I will get Isabella to come visit tomorrow," Leo said. I nodded.

And just like that, they were gone.

I leaned back as Ryder snuggled up next to me.

"You going to sleep?"

He nodded sheepishly as his eyes shut.

I rubbed his back slowly.

Thank you.

Thank you for everything.

Thank you for these past couple of weeks.

Thank you for gracing me with your presences

Thank you for making me a better person.

Thank you for giving me a second chance.