I can't move on

Holy fuck.

I felt my eyes open.

"Good morning, baby."

Dominic?

I looked up.

Oh.

I gulped.

I was.

I was hoping to hear his voice.

After everything.

I am so dumb.

But I was really hoping to hear his voice.

It was Matteo and Leo asking how I was.

Matteo said good morning and the two of them looked closer than ever.

Very strange. 

Very fucking strange.

I think I was too delirious to even understand when there were all of those monologues, but they are very strange together. 

Oh god. 

I feel fucking terrible beyond words.

I looked around and my eyes stopped on Dom.

He was sleeping in a chair and he was in my shirt and some pajama pants.

He looks knocked the fuck out.

But he doesn't look good.

Like he looks very pale; I mean, he is normally pale but more pale, and his lips look dry and cracky.

He just looks.

He looks sick. 

Very sick. 

I want to say something, anything but I can't. 

The words don't come out; I can only look around.

Leo had sat down on the opposite side of the room from where Dom was.

Matteo was sitting next to him on his phone as Leo rubbed my shoulder.

"I think Dom has been out for about 5 hours now? I don't know," Leo says and 

"That's the longest he's been asleep for the past 6 days," Leo says and he looks overwhelmed.

Hey, at least this coma didn't last as long as the other one.

I am saying that like it's normal.

I looked down at my hand as Leo continued to talk. "Do you have any idea what he has been putting himself through?"

I tried to move my fingers but they weren't moving.

They just felt numb and cold. 

I feel weak.

"He hasn't eaten probably since it happened. He won't stop pacing around looking at you and when he does sit down, he refuses to let go of your hand. He snapped on me and Matteo earlier because we told him to actually go eat something and leave you."

I sighed.

Do I really want to hear all of this?

Haven't we been here before?

Making me feel bad.

That's what he is doing.

Leo is trying to make me feel bad to forget about all of the things that have happened.

He wants me to feel bad and just forget. 

"He has been making himself physically sick, Ryder, throwing up from stress, from lack of sleep, from all of it. I don't think he's slept more than an hour at a time this entire week," Leo said.

I just.

You know I am sick now.

Sick because I got kidnapped by one of his fucking men.

Why is he even here?

Why do we suddenly trust him now?

Why do I trust any of you guys?

The words still don't come out as Leo continues to talk. 

Leo's voice cracked as he looked over at Dom. "I swear he has been going crazy. He's been sitting in that chair and sitting by your bed talking to you. Waiting for you to wake up. Every single minute just sitting here, holding your hands, blaming himself over and over again."

As he should.

"You think he's a monster?" yes.

"Fine, maybe he is, but you need to know—he's a monster who loves you so much it's killing him."

He should have thought about that…before.

Before he fucking lied to me. 

Before causing all of this fucking shit.

Causing my arm and leg to be fucing broken.

Causing.

Causing so much pain.

I can't even feel my fucking body; it's all numb.

I just.

I don't.

No matter what.

My love for him.

My heart hurts.

I loved him so much it was killing me too.

Expect I have had 16 days of comas and he has had zero.

I have broken and shattered bones and he has zero.

I have had one drug overdose and he has zero.

So.

'Killing him' is overexaggerating.

"Do you know how many times I have seen him cry this week? Dominic. Crying. The man who doesn't care about anyone and has built one of the biggest mafia empires in the country, making people fear him, is falling apart because of you."

Mafia.

I shook my head slowly.

Should have told me.

You fucking mafia.

Leo leaned closer to me. "You. Someone he hasn't even known for a month. You."

I gulped.

Me. 

He.

He wants me to feel bad.

He wants me to cave and jump back in Dominic's arms like nothing ever happened.

"He's been pushing everyone away because he doesn't want anyone to see how broken he is and how vulnerable. He is not wearing a suit for crying out loud. He won't even let himself sleep, Ryder, because he's so damn scared that if he closes his eyes, something will go wrong. Your heart will stop, or the nurse will take you. Something. Something else will take you away from him."

I feel this pit start to grow in my stomach.

Wants me to feel bad.

And it's working.

It's.

God.

"And now he is finally out. His body couldn't keep up with his terrible eating habits—all of the vomiting, the sleep, everything. I understand everything from your perspective. I know what it's like to have someone you love lie to you like it's nothing, even though you trust them so fucking much," Leo says and I watched as he turned around to Matteo and then back at me.

Oh.

Lie to you.

Like it's nothing.

Oh. 

"What's it like to be betrayed by your loved ones? The ones you thought you could trust. They flip your life upside down and leave you stranded and I know it fucking hurts like hell, but losing them is going to hurt more, hurt more than ever," Leo said.

"I have known Dom for my whole life. He is my built-in best friend and I know he is this terrible awful guy, but he loves you and he has never loved someone like you. Never. I understand how you feel; mafia bosses are awful. They are selfish fuckers who only care about themselves. They will leave you alone and abandon you without a second thought, but."

Leo stopped.

"But if they are willing to break the cycle and change everything just to be with you, then, then, that's love. It's some twisted sick way; they love you and will do everything to keep you safe. And Matteos, my mafia boss, I guess, and Dom could be yours; it's just up to you. But I know, I know that he loves you," Leo said and he stopped rubbing my shoulder and just stood up next to me.

I looked over at Dominic who was still out cold.

I wonder.

I wonder a lot what he is thinking.

He is just so confusing.

The whole mafia thing, I was in denial about it up until he told me himself and it hurt so much more.

And now.

It's love.

Not once.

Have I heard him say, 'I love you.'

But all of the stuff he has done for me and what Leo is saying and his daughter and all the people around him have been saying—do I really need to hear it from him?

I looked straight ahead at the wall.

I guess I don't.

I have heard all of this stuff, so I guess not.

And this is the part where I have to forgive him, right?

Because of all of the stuff he has done for me and we are now full circle from where we first met.

I just have to forgive him now, right?

This is where I wake him up, tell him everything is okay and forgive him, right?

Where we kiss and the words fade out and the story ends, right?

I forgive him for lying to me because he "made amends" by taking care of me when I was sick. 

I can't leave you just because your ex-wife did the same when she found out, right?

And you didn't want to tell because I'm 'special.'

You wanted to lie to me this whole time just because I am 'special.'

But she was also 'special,' right?

She had your fucking daughter for crying out loud.

"Okay," I said; it was the only word that came out of my mouth.

Leo nodded.

The door opened and a nurse came in.

She smiled. "Glad to see you are awake."

"I guess," I said. My voice was raspy and it hurt.

"How do you feel?"

"I don't feel."

The nurse laughed as she did a few things and checked to make sure everything was stable.

"We have only had a few cases with Nexarix, but you are the best one."

"What's Nexarix?" I asked.

She walked over and grabbed 3 pamphlets that were on a table in my room.

"We gave them to your fiancé to read," she said, handing me them.

Fiance.

I snickered silently to myself.

Oh, to be his fiance.

I looked down at the pamphlets she gave me. 

Nexarix, physical therapy, and mourning.

what?

"In short, it is a drug that you overdosed on and the recovery process is very uncertain because of the little we know about it, but the other cases didn't wake up from their comas and you are so far the only one who has," she said with a smile.

I blinked.

I blinked again. 

"For some reason that doesn't make me feel good," she laughed.

"Understandably," she said and she went to wake Dominic up. "Sir."

I watched as he shot up and looked around frantically.

"Mr. Caruso, Ryder's medication is ready for you to pay for, if you would come with me," she said and Dominic nodded.

He looked tired but he tried to cover it. 

She started to walk towards the door and Leo followed her. "I can pay for it; I am his right-hand man; I deal with all of the money stuff."

She nodded and Matteo followed both of them outside, leaving me and Dominic alone.

I looked over at him as he handed me my glasses.

He gave me a weak smile.

"Here are these."

I nodded and put them on.

"I take it; Leo already told you my whole spiel?"

I nodded.

"And I take it you don't care?" He asked, standing up.

"It's not that I don't care; it's just that I don't know if you are lying or not because you did lie to me about being a mafia boss shit and like we talked about it time and time again and you didn't tell me anything and just lied. How do I know you aren't lying to me about loving me? I have heard it from others, but not you, How do I fucking know you aren't…" my voice goes raw, and Dominic and I make eye contact.

"I don't know," Dominic said.

You don't know?

Wrong fucking answer. 

"I really don't know. If I simply say I love you, I take it you won't believe me? So I don't know. I am this crazy 40-year-old who got his life flipped upside down by a 21-year-old I have barely known for a couple of weeks, like, what do you want me to do?"

"Do you want me to beg on my knees and tell me that you are my first and only love? That would be another fucking lie," he said.

The venom.

The terrible tone in his voice.

It gave me comfort.

This weird comfort.

"I had lovers before you; I had a wife before you for crying out loud. She was my college sweetheart and I thought she was my soulmate, my special someone, but I guess not." 

Hearing about her gave me the same pit in my stomach that it did when Isabela was telling me about her.

This guilt.

"But you, I have never tried this hard for anyone. Not even Lova, because no matter what I did, it always pissed her off. I dont know why but you. When I try for you, it is actually fulfilling and giving me this joy, this weird fucking joy.

"You aren't my type. You are nothing like that. You are a man, a fucking man. But. I feel this weird way about you—this weird way that goes way beyond the physically possible. This weird way that when you come around, this weird way that makes me crazy. That way is love, well, is it?"

He sat on the edge of my bed. 

"I don't even know if it is love. I want to cater to your every request, all of shit like that but I also…" His voice trails off as this look on his face goes into something I can't explain. "I feel this weird attraction to you that I didn't feel for my ex-wife or any of my past partners. This weird way that goes beyond physical attraction."

"I want you in ways that I cannot because you are a man."

Because I am a man?

What is that supposed to mean?

This is bad.

Somehow.

Some weird, twisted way.

I feel more moved by this mean, raw, honest Dom than all of the emotional stuff Leo said to me.

For some crazy ass reason, I feel more emotionally moved by the unfilteredness of it all.

"Because I am a man?" I asked in a raspy voice and he nodded.

He nodded slowly and it started to freak me out.

"Never in my whole, in my whole fucking life."

I sighed.

Here comes the sappy; oh, never in my whole life have I loved someone so much or this or that.

"Never have I gotten the urge to breed someone like I do with you."

I'm sorry, what?

YOU GET THE URGE TO WHAT ME?

"Like we fucked, that was good, very good, but then this disgusting urge started to come and it's been in the back of my mind since I got to know you, but…I never really knew the feeling until now."

A sinister smile grew on his face. 

"You know?"

No, I don't know.

I slowly shook my head. 

He got closer to me and my heart started to beat faster.

Closer and closer.

And closer.

Until the heart monitor started to go off.

He snickered and he moved my arm and sat down.

I can feel his breathing on my face.

"I take it; you don't know. I finally know what the feeling is. That crazy urge that I keep so far down."

He is so fucking sleep deprived, please.

"And I think I am finally saying it and coming to terms with it because I feel sick out of my mind. I'd knock you up if I could, you know?"

STOP SAYING YOU KNOW?

BECAUSE I DON'T FUCKING NO. I REALLY DON'T.

I shook my head again. 

This time slowly and horrifiedly turned on.

"I would do it over and over again because you are so fucking special. So fucking special to me and I guess that makes me this crazy fucking pervert, but I dont care because I love you and I want you; I want you so bad. And it's not just because I am sick and delirious; it's because I want you," he said as he rubbed my leg. 

"And I want to know everything about you, even though there's a lot of stuff I don't know and you the same; there is a lot of stuff you don't know about me, but I do know that you would rather the raw, unfiltered version rather than the stupid sappy shit you know?"

I do know.

I nodded.

"Because you don't care about all of the sappy things; you think they sound superficial; that I do know just by the way you are, am I right?"

"You are actually very correct," I said in my raspy voice.

"Exactly, you think the sappy shit is all a lie, and I don't know why you see the world like that, but I do know that you know I am not lying when I give you the raw, unfiltered shit; you know I am not lying and that's what really matters, no matter how weird, you know I am not lying," he said.

I sighed.

I know.

I know he is telling the truth.

And he's got everything all right.

But fuck, I don't know.

If I cave now, all of the stuff I said would lose its weight and meaning.

And I would just be someone who swoons without a second thought. 

I don't fucking know.

"So, Ryder, I don't know what you think of me, but I know what I think of you. I love you and I don't want to lose you. I know it will be best if I give you up and never saw you again, but I don't want that. I really don't. And that makes me an asshole because I barely know you, but." He looked into my eyes. "Can we start over?"

"Just this once, can we start over?"