I can't move on

Thank the fucking lord they came.

I was so happy.

So fucking glad.

Because I couldn't do it without them. 

Even though it was a temporary fix.

I was happy.

I knew it would never be over.

But I was happy just for a moment.

I needed time to stand still and it did.

Just for a moment, I needed it again.

Guilt was eating me away as they reunited with Gianna and Zayne.

I am sorry.

I was with my daughter and Ryder.

Matteo was.

He was gone.

I had asked Leo.

But Leo didn't answer.

He looked lost in thought and had this expression I couldn't really explain.

I feel like I can never explain what he is thinking.

I think they kissed before Matteo slipped into the night like he was Batman or some shit.

I don't know but now that I think about it, Leo looks embarrassed.

Yeah, they definitely kissed.

I wish I could kiss you.

I wish I could kiss you a million fucking times.

A million times.

I wish I could be happy like Daniel and Thomas.

Kissing their partners and hugging their kids.

My daughter looks at me.

She wants to hug me. 

She tries to be nice.

But I know what she thinks.

She says all of these things.

She knows I'm a bad father.

I know I am a bad father.

Lying to her all of these years.

I am so sorry, my girl.

I hope you will forgive me.

She and Leo are my rocks.

She held my hand as we walked with the ambulance.

She told me everything would be okay.

My brave girl.

I talked to the company that has special ambulances for mafia men like me.

I talked to them about the logistics and everything.

I told them to hurry.

No matter how much it was going to cost, I needed them to hurry.

They asked me about the Victor guy because someone reported it, but I looked and he was gone as well 

What the hell?

Fuck, I don't need this right now.

Leo was still lost in thought and doing things mindlessly.

He was on his iPad and taking notes of what the ambulance people were saying or paramedic people—I don't know what they are called.

I feel terrible for all of them.

But

It's okay.

It will be okay. 

I wish you were here

I wish I could.

Could just.

I just want you to be okay

What I would give for you to be okay, to be perfectly fine, and to still be at home in my kitchen, in my bed, in my house.

I wish I could rejoice and kiss you like they could. 

But I can't.

I am just standing here waiting.

With my daughter.

Who's begging me to miss the next week because she doesn't want to go to school.

Because she's not ready for her test.

I caved.

I always caved now because of you.

I knew you would want me to be less harsh on her.

So I did that for you.

I do everything for you now.

I haven't even known you for that long but it feels like forever.

That time we spent together feels like forever.

As they closed off the ambulance, I watched as you were hooked up to all those things, just like when we first met.

It hurt me even more now.

I walk with Leo and Isabella to my car.

Leo volunteers to drive as the image of you plays over and over on my mind.

As I sit here now, the beeping is driving me fucking crazy. I am scared.

For the first time since the incident with my arm, I wasn't scared of the hospital.

I was scared for you.

That you wouldn't end up safe and never wake up.

I am scared for you, Ryder.

So fucking scared. 

It bothered me so freaking much.

I don't know how many days have gone by now.

But I know that I haven't left your side for any or them

I haven't even gone home.

I can't leave you.

I can't let you be alone, even for a moment.

They say it's been six days but it feels like an eternity without you. 

But the shit Victor gave you fucked you up.

The doctor gave me a pamphlet on it and I have been reading it over and over again, nonstop, because it makes me so fucking nervous.

It's called Nexarix

It says it is a synthetic paralytic neurotoxin and was originally developed for experimental sedative purposes.

I am not sure what that means, but it is known for its rapid onset of full-body paralysis and its ability to suppress central nervous system activity.

The drug was banned from clinical trials due to its high lethality and unpredictable recovery outcomes.

Unpredictable.

Unpredictable.

The word itself gave me chills.

The effects.

At first, it causes slow muscle paralysis and a slowing of the heart rate.

It causes difficulty breathing.

It also causes terrible fucking migraines.

It says it can take up to 30 minutes to an hour to fully set in but once it does, it causes prolonged comas.

It says that high doses of Nexarix can cause the brain to enter a hyper-suppressed state, leading to longer comas.

The toxin binds to neutral receptors, inferring with neurotransmitters signaling and stopping the body's natural process for waking up.

Hence why Ryder hasn't woken up yet.

The doctor says it is taking him longer than normal or the few that they have seen to wake up because of the excessive dose, far beyond what Victor gave him.

The amount that he received overwhelmed his body and shut down his critical systems.

He told me more and more but I tuned him out because it made me sick to my fucking stomach. 

He gave me two other pamphlets, neither of which I have opened.

One was about physical therapy he needed to do and the other.

The other had mourning on the front and I didn't want to read it.

I didn't want to think about it at all.

I held his hand as I watched him.

Haven't we been here before?

The whole coma thing?

It is all my fault again.

And I am sorry. 

I will leave you alone after this.

I blinked.

Just let me take care of you for one final time.

One final time.

The final time.

No.

I couldn't.

I can't.

I am sorry.

I brought you into this mess, but I can't lose you.

I really can't.

I haven't been fucking sleeping either, just watching and being by your bedside like I am at this moment.

It's been just me and you most of the time and I only trust.

I.

I don't trust anyone to be in here alone with you.

It makes me so fucking nervous.

And sick to my stomach.

So I stay awake.

And I only sleep when I catch myself drifting to thoughts of you and when I catch myself, I wake back up again.

My eyes are fucking bloodshot and I look crazy.

I am currently in your small band t-shirt and some pajama pants.

I can't bring myself to wear a suit.

To be a mafia boss.

I just can't bring myself to do it.

I.

I look and feel terrible.

So fucking terrible.

You sister even pointed it out when your family came by.

Pointed out how miserable I looked. 

I explained to them the whole thing.

I have been keeping this a secret my whole life.

I kept it a secret from everyone besides Daniel, Thomas, and Leo.

My own daughter didn't even know.

But.

But I told your family.

I told them everything.

And they were angry.

They had every right to be angry.

Your dad was so fucking mad at me. 

I watched as your mother sobbed holding your hand and your siblings consoled her.

And your dad screamed in my face.

All I could do is stand there.

Stand there and do nothing but stare.

Stare as I told them.

Your dad called you some really nasty names.

Told me the same thing he told me when you had your first coma.

Still worrying about the same things.

Not even worrying about you.

"I can't afford his medical bills, and our dumb-ass insurance is going to barely cover it." and he went on and on and on.

Until he finally said those dread words.

"I think just planning his funeral would be cheaper. Just tell them he died in his sleep. Save us the debt." the same words he said that day.

But this time you didn't wake up and say something.

I gulped.

I wanted you to.

I want you to so fucking badly.

I said some pretty hurtful things to him, but I have no regrets.

I have more money than your dad can ever fathom.

Ever fucking fathom.

And I will use it.

I will use all of it; it means to keep you safe.

Your mother looked at me with so much heartbreak in her eyes and she started to cuss.

She cussed in English and Spanish all at me.

And she ranted and raged, all through her tears. 

"My Mijo, my baby boy. You couldn't just leave him alone?! YOU AND YOUR KIND!!!" My kind?

My kind.

"You heartless fucking monsters, you only care about yourself," she screamed and I didn't say anything back.

She needed to vent.

She needed it.

She had every fucking right and I just listened.

I listened to every word until she was done.

"As much as I want to leave your son, I really do. I can't. I care about him too much. I can't let him go like this. I have known him for so short but I know I love him. Even if the proposal was fake, I just did it to make him laugh, just to see him smile. My love for him is still that of a fiance, maybe even a husband if he wants. He is so fucking special."

My rant continued like crazy as I went on and on about you.

I went on and on, never wanting to stop.

I never wanted to stop.

Your dad didn't care to listen.

I now understand that he never did and I watched as he walked out.

No matter how much hurt your mother felt, I watched her eyes soften as we spoke.

We spoke for 3 hours as Eliza and Brandon explained to you all of the stuff they have done that you have missed and all of their homework.

Your mother understood.

She understood how I felt.

This love.

She understood.

We shared a hug in the end and she told me to "take care of myself."

Not until you wake up.

"Okay," I said and she let go.

She said she would bring me something to eat and some flowers and I nodded.

I watched as she and Brandon walked out but Eliza stayed.

She looked at me in my eyes.

"Don't leave him," she said.

At that very moment.

I saw a glimpse of Isabella in her and I just started to cry.

It came out silently as she spoke.

Fuck.

"No matter what you say to anyone, I know you want to or are thinking about it because you want the best for him or because it feels like the right thing. But it's not." She stopped and walked over to grab one of my hands. 

"Trust me when I see it is not," she gulped.

"I know you have problems and have a lot of fucked up shit and all of the shit wrong with my brother is all of your fault, but I don't think he has felt this way about someone in a really long time. A really long fucking time."

"That whole system shit, fucked him. It messed him up so much. His self-worth, his sense of self, everything. Fucked him up for a really long time. That is the reason why he is so closed off."

She rubbed my hand as I continued to cry. "You make my brother smile, like no one else can," she said.

"Don't lose that."

The days went by after that and everyone came and went.

I got sick, you know.

Those bloodshot eyes.

All of that.

It slowly turned into vomiting.

Aggressive vomiting every night.

Right as I would doze off holding your hand, I would get that rush and at least 12 times a night I would get up and vomit.

Everything I ate.

Everything I drank.

Maybe it's because the thought of losing you made me so fucking sick.

I feel weak but I have to fight for you.

Everything I do from now on is for you.

"Mr. Callahan, Mr. Caruso, you have visitors." I looked up at the nurse who pulled me out of my thoughts.

Oh.

It was Matteo and Leo.

"The house is heavily guarded and Isabella is at home watching television in the living room," Leo said.

I looked up at Matteo, who was awkwardly shuffling behind him.

I nodded.

I watched as Matteo's hand was on the small of Leo's back. 

"Bring her with you tomorrow," I mumbled.

Leo nodded as he got closer to me.

I still don't believe he and Matteo are real.

That is weird.

This is the first time that Leo has visited with him out of the 3 visits a day he makes.

I looked at Leo, and his mouth was moving.

"Huh?" I asked and Leo rolled his eyes.

"Come with me to get some fresh air and maybe a bite to eat because you are losing weight," Leo said.

I laughed.

"I have been eating."

"And keeping it down?" Leo asked and I rolled my eyes.

"Get up and come with me," Leo said.

I stood up. "Fuck no. I am not leaving him. If you want to get me food, then go ask the fucking nurse; I am not FUCKING…" I felt myself get dizzy as my voice faltered.

I can't do anything because Ryder is hurt.

I sat down.

Leo raised his eyebrows at me and stood in front of me.

I looked at him. 

"I will give you a choice. You either come outside and get some fresh air and eat or you are going to take a nap, Dominic," he said, talking to me like I was a child.

I blink slowly at him.

"One nap won't hurt, please, Dominic. Do it for me," Leo says.

I could really use one.

I really could.

Just a quick one.

"Can you watch Ryder while I sleep, please?" I said, I felt myself begging.

"I will, Dominic, go to sleep, please. You look like you need it."

I nodded.

One quick nap.

I have them here to protect him.

Even though I hate him.

I trust Leo.

I hope Victor doesn't come back.

I hope.

Not now.

Not ever.

Just. 

One. 

Quick. 

Nap