I can't move on

What the fuck?

I.

I don't know what to say.

How do you?

Fuck, I feel sick to my fucking stomach thinking about all of this.

What else did he lie to me about?

Denial was coming to hit me in the ass.

Denial.

Oh god.

So much denial. 

My head was pounding and I felt like throwing up.

Holy fuck. 

This whole time.

The whole goddamn time.

I have been hearing little things here and there.

From Dom, from Leo, from everyone.

This whole thing was suspicious.

But I did not believe it. 

Why would someone's business rival come after some random guy he looked at in the park?

Because they are mafia rivals.

Mafia boss rivals.

I have been in denial about it.

Hoping.

Praying.

That dom wouldn't lie to me.

But.

I was wrong.

I gulped.

Up until now.

Now when he said all of it.

Admitted to all of it.

I still don't want to believe it.

"Tell me what's wrong," he repeated, quickly checking on me and seeing if I was okay.

You.

All of this—my head is fucking pounding, my arm and leg are broken, I have marks on my wrist and ankle, I feel like vomiting—all of it was you.

You are what's wrong.

"You have something to tell me, Dom?" I asked, looking at him.

"I don't know if I feel safe anymore." I gulped. "Not with you, not with any of you."

Safe with all of these people who have been lying to me.

Never. 

Oh god.

Dominic tries to step forward, but I put my hand up, stopping him. "Don't, please fucking don't."

I feel myself rocking back and forth.

"I want to be here for you, Dom. I really do." I felt myself stop as we made eye contact. "But who exactly are you?"

To the very end.

To the very end, I will be in denial.

My breathing picked up as he held onto my hands.

Not until he tells me flat out.

Denial.

I will be in denial.

"All of this shit, the cold-blooded killer part," I remember.

I remember him in the park.

He.

He killed those people.

He was the gunshot.

He was the screaming of people getting killed.

He was the walking off like it was nothing. 

He was it all. 

"I remember…I remember you in the park." my voice softened as I tried to muster up the courage and find the right words to say. "You were the gunshots, Dom. The screaming…it was you, wasn't it? You were the one pulling the trigger, weren't you? The one who scared those innocent fucking kids? The one who put a target on my back without even talking to me,"

I looked at him. "It was all you…wasn't it?"

"And your…your wife? Didn't you tell me at first you didn't even have one?" My world was spinning. "And then I found out through Isabella, not even you. That she left when Isabella was young and she didn't even know her, but no one thought to tell me that?? Why?!"

I feel myself getting angrier.

I looked at both of them, Dominic and Leo, who were blurry.

"None of you thought to tell why?! You guys all thought it was okay to just fucking lie to me and pretend everything was fine. Because, oh, you want to protect me, or, oh, I am too young to understand all of this. BULL FUCKING SHIT! I had to find out through the guy that literally tried to kill me because," I pointed at Dominic, "You looked at me in the fucking park."

Fuck. 

"Ryder, you're not-."

I pointed. "Don't! Fucking try right now! I fucking trusted you!"

"And now, no matter what I fucking do? If I never want to see you again, stay with you, whatever I do. I will always have a fucking target on my back." My voice was getting louder as I looked at Dom.

Anger.

Pent up fucking anger. 

"I asked you if you were a mafia boss or in the mafia, even if it was as a joke and you fucking lied! That is not just something you fucking lie to someone about. Do you get that? Do you even understand what that feels like? No! Because you are fucking SELFISH!" I said, holding my hands up and screaming.

Fuck.

Oh lord.

Oh god.

My head.

It is fucking pounding.

My head.

It is pounding. 

"You lied to me, Dominic. About everything that truly fucking matters. That is not just some small stupid thing you lie about to protect someone. You aren't protecting anyone besides your fucking SELF!" My voice starts to break as I feel the tears start to come. "You flipped my life upside down, bro. My family. They will never be safe now. How can I live with that knowing that my fucking siblings, my little sister and little brother, will never be safe because of their big brother?"

I am crying so much right now. "You freaking knew that. You knew what it would be for me, for all of us."

My words start to grow faster and more frantic as I cry even more.

"Ryder, ryder, sit down," Dominic said, concerned.

"Get the fuck away from me!" I feel myself stumbling. "You are a fucking asshole. A goddamn liar! And you know what's the worst thing about all of that?"

I blinked and wiped my eyes, pushing up my glasses.

I start to laugh bitterly. "I was actually…I was starting to believe you actually liked me. Maybe you actually felt something in that sad fucking heart of yours. Let those walls down finally."

"I do…"

"I do not want to hear any more of your fucking lies. I even had sex with you for crying out. And I was even starting to like you. Starting to feel something for you. But. It's just another lie, isn't it? All of it, just another game, another trick, another way to make me your fucking fool, MAKE ME YOUR WHORE!"

I started to wipe my tears furiously, but the tears kept coming and my shoulders were shaking.

"You and you just you just let me walk into this mess. Without a second thought!"

My sobs echoed through the whole room.

The whole damp, sad fucking room. 

They are hurting my chest and my throat.

As I wail. 

I feel cold beyond imaginable.

"You don't deserve this," I choke out as my voice breaks. "You don't deserve any of this shit. Because all you know how to do is destroy everything good thing in your sad fucking life."

"Every person who tried to get close to you, every single one who actually cares, you just shove them away or drag them down with you. And you don't even care. You just keep lying, like it is some twisted fucking game to you."

I feel my voice rising; the weight of all the shit that he is doing is coming down. Everything I have trusted him with. "I thought I was different, Dominic. I thought maybe it would be different. That maybe you'd actually care enough to let me in, to be real with me. But I was just another pawn to you, wasn't I? Another person to toss aside to get closer to that fuck," I said, pointing at Matteo.

"He said you guys were similar and he's fucking right. You are both heartless monsters who don't care who they fucking hurt and only care about themselves."

I felt the words go dry in my throat.

"FUCK! AND WHAT IS THAT GOD DAMN BEEPING?" I screamed in my throat.

The beeping got louder and louder as the word started to spin. 

"I never wanted to lie to you," Dominic said, finally getting a word in.

"Then why the fuck did you do it?" I asked with my eyes wide.

If you "never wanted to lie to me," then why the fuck would do it?

I feel myself getting angrier as my headache gets worse. 

"To keep you safe."

I let out a tasteless laugh.

"Yeah, fucking right. That's what they all say. And I am supposed to believe that fucking shit. Blink my eyes at you and act like nothing is wrong. You are a selfish fucking piece of shit and I am so go damn sorry to whoever fucking hurt you because you are a BITCH!" I screamed.

Dom tried to say something and I turned my attention to a blurry Matteo who was standing there with his mouth open.

I cut him off. "How do I know you aren't working with that fucking scumbag?" I looked around.

There he is.

"And him," I pointed. "How do I know you aren't working with both of them?"

The guy.

He.

He was there.

He always took my money.

He would always.

Always touch me

And. 

Fuck.

I felt my mouth start to water and I leaned over, letting out a gagging sound.

I felt myself vomit all over the floor.

Holy fuck.

Dominic looked to the corner confused. "I would fucking never work for him; I hate him.."

"HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT? How do I not know that is another one of your fucking lies?"

Oh god, I feel like I am going to vomit again.

"Are you okay? Why are you vomiting? Calm down," Dominic asked frantically as he got closer to me, not caring about the vomit on the floor.

"Get the fuck off of me you piece of shit!" I spat.

I am losing my mind right now oh god.

And crying my eyes out.

I can't stop.

Oh fuck.

I felt myself gag but nothing came out.

Again.

Again.

And again.

But nothing.

My head was pounding as I rocked back and forth. 

"What else did you lie to me about Dominic? If that is even your real name," I said.

"Nothing, baby. Nothing else."

"Just the mafia shit, right? One of the most important things that you tell someone—the one thing I needed you to tell, you kept from me, right?" I said. 

I rubbed my eyes as my breaths got shakier and shakier.

My back was starting to hurt, and I couldn't feel my leg in the cast.

"Baby, are you okay?"

"Don't fucking call me that." I feel myself coughing as I try not to gag again. 

"That mother fucker," I said, shaking and pointing at him.

He had been in this corner the whole time.

I felt him.

I know.

"How do I know you and Leo aren't working with him in this stupid ass club? You guys had a fucking picture together for crying out loud and it was IN YOUR OFFICE!"

I gulped. "How the fuck am I supposed to know you weren't just trying to gain my trust to sell me back to these fuckers? How the fuck?"

My voice starts to dwindle, as do my thoughts.

I can't say any more words but I watch as everyone around me starts to get frantic.

Dom's mouth is moving but I cannot hear a single word.

Isabella's mouth is moving but I cannot hear a single word.

Leo's mouth is moving but I cannot hear a single word.

Matteo's mouth is moving but I cannot hear a single word.

That man's mouth isn't moving but he is staring.

Staring more than ever.

I feel my legs give out.

And then my arms and then my torso.

I feel the cold ground.

As my head slumps down.

Mother fucker.