I can't move on

Now his attention was on me.

I watched as he walked over to me with a smile.

He grabbed my chin and brought me closer to him. "What did you say, princess?"

"Get off of him; don't touch him," I said and he started to laugh. 

I rolled my eyes.

I pulled my arm up to push him off but I couldn't.

I looked down at Isabella and held her as close as I could.

"Doesn't this remind you of anything?" Matteo said, letting go of my chin and playing with the chains on my wrists and the one around my neck.

Nope, we are not getting a repeat of college.

It is not happening.

I looked over at Ryder.

What did Matteo give him?

He was still conscious but had his mouth open and was rocking back and forth. 

Matteo looked down at Isabella. 

"Don't fucking look at her," I said, spitting on him.

He smiled at me and wiped it off his face.

"Oh, now you want to come back to me." He got closer to me. "No. I don't. I just don't want you to touch either of them," I said angrily.

He always wanted my reaction to these things.

I don't know why he had me chained up the most, but it made me so fucking angry.

He grabbed the thing that was connected to my neck and brought me to my feet.

I winced as the chains on my arms yanked. 

They pinched at my fucking arms and it made me so mad.

"Remind you of anything?" He repeated what he said earlier.

He wanted to get a reaction out of me.

He always did this.

He backed up and walked over to Ryder.

"Don't touch!" I watched as he kicked Ryder in the side.

I watched as Ryder groaned and he pulled at the chains.

"Matteo!" I yelled and he turned his attention back to me.

He always reminds me why I hate him so much.

He wanted a reaction; here it comes. "I told you to leave him alone."

He started laughing. "Are you ready to answer my question?" He pushed me back into the wall. "Remind you of anything?"

"Things I'd rather forget." He rolled his eyes.

"Wrong answer." I looked down at his left hand.

I gulped.

It was a gun.

He pointed it down at Isabella and smiled at me. "I will fucking shoot her."

"You said you wouldn't hurt her," I said, trying to kick him but the chain pulled me back.

He started laughing. "She is a kid; leave her alone," I said.

"Then come with me," he said with a smile.

"Fuck no."

He let out a dry laugh and forced Isabella to her feet.

He put a gun to her head and my heart started to race as she cried.

"You are pretending like I won't do it," he said.

He wouldn't do it.

I looked over at Ryder, who was looking better but not really at the same time.

"Get off of-."

"You know me, Leo; you know I will do it." He started to laugh. "I don't know why you guys keep fucking with me. You know I will kill her. I have nothing to fucking lose."

That was his problem.

Nothing is holding him back from killing a child.

Nothing is holding him back from losing his mind.

Nothing is holding him back from losing everything.

"Matteo you." He cut Ryder off and pointed the gun at him. "Shut the fuck up!"

"Leave them alone," I said.

He never knew when to quit.

Never.

He turned towards me. "You come with me then."

"I will give her and Ryder up to Dom, unharmed, if you come with me," he said and his smile grew larger.

Fuck.

"How do I fucking know that?" I said.

"You are just going to have to trust me, princess. I will unchain both of them as long as they don't attack me and they will be left unharmed. If you come with me."

I let out a deep breath.

They didn't deserve this.

They were both young.

They didn't have a choice.

I did.

I chose this life.

Anything for you, Dom. 

I owe my life to you, Dominic.

I owe everything to you, my friend.

I am so sorry, old friend.

I really am.

"Fine."

Matteo smiled and he put the gun back in his pants. "How fucking hard was that?" he asked.

I watched as he undid Isabella's chains and threw her at me.

He went over and undid Ryder too and threw him over at me.

"Since you care about them so much," Matteo spat.

Isabella quickly hugged me and I watched Ryder slide down on the wall and sit down.

He was looking up at me and Isabella as well.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Isabella said, she was crying.

"Why are you crying, honey? It's not your fault," I said, kissing her head.

"He won't hurt you guys," I said.

Isabella looked at me through teary eyes. "I'm…were you guys. Uh."

Her voice faltered as she looked around. 

This is what I get for fucking around with Mafia men.

All my life.

This is what I get.

"Ryder, are you okay?" I asked.

He blinked a couple of times.

"I can't tell up from down and I think I am losing it. But maybe? What about you?" Ryder looked straight ahead. "You just gave."

His voice faltered as well and he turned back to me.

He gave me the same look Isabella gave me.

"Dominic is on his way," Matteo said, smiling at the three of us.

Thank you, Dom.

Please hurry.

"Why'd you finally give in?" A delirious ryder asked me.

I sighed. "Because I owe Dom everything. I owe my life to him. I wouldn't be here without him and I wouldn't want to see you guys get hurt."

"What about you?"

"I will be okay."

Isabella interjected. "How do you know that?"

I closed my eyes.

Every time I saw him, I tried to forget.

Forget all of those nights, everything.

God, it was so embarrassing. 

"I just know." I opened my eyes again.

They were both giving me the same judgemental look.

I blinked.

Isabella's tears slowly started to stop as the judgemental look continued.

"I am not betraying you guys or Dom if that is what you are worried about," I said.

I can't tell them.

"What are you doing then?" Isabella asked.

I sighed. "Fine, fine."

I looked. 

I had to tell them.

I really did.

I am sorry. 

"I was 21 and stupid in college, okay." I stopped. "Fuck this is so embarrassing, oh my god, I can't."

"Matteo was 26 I think or something like that. He needed one more class to graduate and it was this Mandarin class. I needed it for my international relations major but he wanted to take it as his language. He was half Chinese and already spoke the language fluently."

I quickly fixed my face as I felt it start to form a smile. 

"That's beside the point, I remember; he sat down next to me."

It was almost like a dream. 

I think it was the second week of class and I was in my junior year.

Surprisingly, economics and international relationships had a lot of classes in common but this one was not one of them.

It was the first class in a while that I wasn't with Thomas, Daniel, or Dom.

I felt awkward.

I was never really good at talking with people.

So I never made any friends when Dom wasn't there.

I wasn't confident.

I wasn't good-looking.

I wasn't any of that.

I remembered looking around; no one even sat in the same row as me.

I remember this guy came in late.

He was tall and confident, with sharp features.

He was one of the most good-looking guys I have seen since I met Dominic.

He had pale skin and funny-looking eyebrows.

He had a lot of piercings and tattoos.

His hair had a lot of gel in it. 

I felt this jolt of attraction mixed with intimidation.

He had sat down right next to me and the teacher made him introduce himself.

He spoke flawless Mandarin.

The fluidity of his words, the ease with which he spoke.

It was also magnetic.

I found myself staring at him and we would make eye contact and I would look away.

It turns out the guy's name was Matteo.

Matteo Rossi.

He was fluent in English and Mandarin and was learning Arabic.

As the classes went by, we started to get slightly closer.

I remember the day that he got assigned to be my tutor.

I could hardly believe my freaking luck.

And I tried not to overthink it.

It was nothing more than just tutoring but my brain couldn't get enough of him.

I knew he was way out of my league, but I was so fucking interested in his mysterious ass background.

Everyone said Matteo was an orphan, yet here he was, fresh from a trip visiting family abroad.

It was hard for me to piece together who really was but I really wanted to find out.

"For Dom, of course," I rolled my eyes. "Yeah for…dom. This guy was way out of my league, I thought to myself during all of our early tutoring sessions. But I needed help and besides, he was hot."

From that point on, every time we met, Matteo's intensity was unmistakable.

He was patient with me yet demanding.

His voice was steady, confident, and kind of mean as he guided me through each of the lessons.

And as we spent more time together, the way he would lean in, the casual touches, the way he held my gaze for too long—it all felt like more than just studying.

"Of course, it was probably because I was sad and horny, but it felt like destiny in a way," I explain.

I told myself not to read into it, figuring it was just Matteo's intense nature.

Still, I couldn't deny the thrill I felt around him or the way my heart quickened whenever he spoke or laughed.

Fuck I was so young and so stupid.

We had met in the university library; the quiet hum of other students was all around us.

I was nervous because I couldn't even understand the basics of Mandarin, struggling with characters and tones.

He sat across me with this bemused expression that somehow softened as he looked at me and guided me patiently through the workbook.

I might have been delusional.

Whenever I would screw up, Matteo would lean in close, his voice steady, offering tips and little corrections. 

I smiled up at him and quickly looked back down. "Try again was something he would say all the time."

His tone was always teasing but never cruel.

It's like he was going easy on me in this weird, twisted way. 

Every sound.

Every inflection.

It felt precise.

Almost hypnotic in a way.

I could barely fucking focus on the words, directed by that deep fucking voice and that nasty confidence.

My gaze kept slipping, lingering on his sexy, fucking face.

It was so fucking distracted.

Matteo interjected. "Is that why you sat on it?"

"WHAT?!" a horrified Ryder asked, looking up at me.

I could tell he was half listening but that got his attention.

I turned to Matteo, "You shut up. This is my memory and my story and I don't recall that ever happening," I said, pointing in his face.

The way his eyes seemed to flicker with amusement whenever I fumbled.

It was twisted.

He liked seeing me fail.

He liked the reaction I made when I failed.

He was fucked up.

It was just a typical attraction, I kept telling myself, ignoring the heat that was building in my chest every time I even saw him.

He was fucking intense, sure but I didn't see him as anything more than my tutor.

He was just a good-looking guy who helped me with Mandarin, so he could graduate and I could continue on my 4th year.

I never even asked him how old he was.

I only knew his first and last name.

That's it.

And that Dom hated him.

I should have asked.

I should have said all of those things.

Should have kept him at a distance, but then there were the touches.

The small, easy-to-dismiss ones, but that became so fucking memorable my mind could never forget them.

He would reach over the table and purposefully brush his hands with mine when he turned the pages.

Then he started sitting on the same side as me.

I swear it was just to get a reaction out of me.

I looked back at Matteo. "It was always just to get a reaction out of me."

He would brush shoulders with mine and put his hands on my thighs.

He would compliment them too.

I should have known.

He would only do it when I wore shorts.

He would secretly drop his hand on them and squeeze them, saying how nice they looked.

"I did not do that," Matteo said. I just realized he was now sitting down in front of me, listening. "You did and after a while, I got so embarrassed because of it," I said, flipping him off.

The feeling was electric, but I brushed it off.

Saying it was just matteo.

He wanted me to react this way. 

He wanted that reaction.

It didn't mean anything.

It never meant anything. 

At least that's what I kept telling myself.

Over and over again, it made me physically sick.

But everything changed that night.

It was a late-night evening during one of our tutoring sessions. 

We had finally finished going over Mandarin basics and then a smile started to grow on Matteo's face.

He never smiled so I knew something was weird. 

It was this playful slight smirk.

Then he shut the book and casually suggested trying a new teaching approach.

His tone was teasing and inviting.

"I always tell people I was young and naive and I didn't know what I was doing." I paused. "I was young but not stupid; I knew what he meant; I just don't know how much he meant."

Matteo was hot, intense, and confident—the kind of thrill I could handle.

But I told everyone I couldn't handle it and I was scared.

I was never scared; I was more intrigued than anything.

So I took that offer, I guess because I was horny and craving affection?

I remember getting in his Maserati; it was this deep brown color and it actually looked pretty cool. 

He was a fast fucking driver and that stressed me the fuck out.

He always drove fast. 

I remember taking an elevator to the top floor of an apartment building.

His shit was like a penthouse; it was fucking huge.

The vibe shifted as soon as I stepped into that place.

What started as playful teasing soon transformed into something heavier.

Something far more intimate.

I saw the control freak start to come out.

The nasty fucking control freak.

He started off by doing it in a subtle way and it all started to become clear.

He was instructing me on how to stand, where to sit, and how to respond.

At first, it seemed like this odd, intense game, but it gave me this sense of comfort.

Probably because my boyfriend of 3 years had just cheated on me and dumped me.

I think I felt comforted by this weird attractive matteo felt for me.

I went along with it, thinking it was just.

Well.

But as his touch became firmer, his tone became softer and more commanding.

I felt myself start to fall.

I got swept away in these feelings I couldn't name.

I couldn't put my finger on it.

"Trust me, he whispered." I reached out to Matteo and started to trace along his jawline down to his collarbone, as he had done to me. "Just follow my lead."

He pushed me off and gave me this disgusted look. "Did I really do that?" he cringed.

I nodded, laughing.

He introduced to me BDSM, presenting it as a new teaching approach.

Something that blurred.

"I'm sorry, what?" Ryder interjected. "BDSM? You can't just brush over that like it is nothing."

"What's BDSM?" Isabella asked, her voice filled with innocence.

Matteo smiled, "It is." I kicked him as hard as the chains would let me and cut him off.

He quickly got up and pressed me against the wall. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?" he mumbled in my ear, pressing himself up against me.

"What are you going to do, shoot me?" I said with a smile. He stepped back and rolled his eyes. "Exactly sit your dumb ass down," I spat.

Matteo sighed. It felt good to have control over him. 

It felt so fucking good. 

The line between study and intimacy.

His commands were unwavering and his grip was steady.

His eyes were fixated on me like I was his world.

It made me feel really good, actually.

I think it's because he gave me all of the attention that I was lacking.

Everything I have ever wanted. 

The thrill of being guided. 

The thrill of surrendering all of my control.

The thrill of being loved sent shivers through me.

He made me feel safe, even though he pushed my body and boundaries to the limits.

Inching closer to a world I didn't fully understand but couldn't resist.

I was aware of his hands.

The way they buried against me was at times gentle, at times possessive, always intentional.

Matteo held his gaze, never leaving me.

His eyes filled with something more than just casual attraction.

It was an affirmation, maybe even devotion.

It was like Matteo was seeing something sacred in me that I couldn't even grow to fathom.

Like I was his god.

And then the nickname I've grown to hate was born.

Whenever Matteo called me his princess, it was like a shock system in my body.

It was a nickname that made my stomach flip, stirring with emotions I had never felt before.

Emotions of love.

Of being loved.

The way he would say it, his voice dipping low and intimate, made the room feel smaller, like we were the only two people in this sad fucking world.

I brushed it off like I did everything.

He called everyone this; it was just ironic because I was a guy.

But I couldn't deny the way it affected me.

It made me feel vulnerable and valued.

With each of our sessions, his dominance became clearer and clearer.

I found myself yielding to him in this dynamic that we had created.

I was comfortable with letting him lead.

This was just an exploration and an intense connection I enjoyed but it was never more than physical.

I knew he didn't like me.

No matter how much my heart wanted him to.

He wanted to get a reaction out of me.

Every fucking time.

And that's what he fucking got.

No matter what I thought.

I could never change his mind.

Never make him love me.

Oh god, the memories were rushing over me strongly and I blinked away the tears.

I was okay.

I told myself I didn't care for his games.

I told myself he was just playing me.

I told myself I was only in it for the thrill and nothing more. 

But as time went on, I found myself waiting.

Like a fucking idiot.

For those study sessions. 

Needing Matteo's presence more than I would like to admit.

The nights blurred together, each with Matteo's teasing words.

By his intense gaze that always saw right through me.

I would always try to brush it off, laughing when Matteo said something that seemed too intimate.

Too close to sounding like something real. 

He wasn't capable of love.

Or anything that could be genuine.

But I couldn't help but lean on Matteo more and more.

We started doing more cute things and I felt myself going on dates with him, watching movies, and even cuddling with him. 

I wasn't just drawn to the physical connection anymore, but to the small moments that made me feel this crazy way.

Our tutoring sessions transformed from strict language lessons to something entirely else.

He had become my escape from this stupid world.

Someone who saw me.

Who challenged me.

Who pulled me deeper into something I would never understand.

One night, during one of the quieter moments, Matteo had looked at me.

A look that was too raw.

Too open.

Too real to be him.

There was something different in his gaze.

Something that almost looked like affection.

I tried to ignore it.

It was just the heat of the moment.

"I really care about you. He said. His voice was a whisper and really soft. I brushed it off and laughed. Come on, Matteo, you say that to everyone, don't you?"

I gulped.

I knew he did, but my heart didn't want it. 

It was all an act.

A game that Matteo plays with whoever caught his interest.

I was never going to be someone special.

Not for him, not for anyone.

He would move on; he always did. 

He became more distant after that.

And my suspicions were correct.

His touches were less lingering.

His smile was more forced.

By the end of the semester, it was clear we were done.

What we had anyway.

We stopped seeing each other and eventually, Matteo disappeared.

Matteo was always standoffish.

He never truly cared.

"I wasn't going to be his whore that he used when he was bored," I said bitterly.

"And besides, we could never be in love. Not only was he incapable of it, but he and Dominic were rivals. I could never betray him. I owe my life to him.

I forced a smile and blinked.

I was okay.

"And the rest is history," I murmured, laughing, trying to remember the good thoughts instead of how we fell apart. 

"Is it?" Ryder asked with a horrified look on his face.

"Yeah," I nodded. 

"I feel like we are missing details," Isabella said. 

"You are," Matteo said with the same smile that seduced me all of those years I now regret.

"Don't."

"If you don't, I will," his smile said, growing.

Fuck.