A Murder Wizards Adventure

My infiltration mission is coming up and it will probably be a long one, maybe even a year, we don't really have a time frame for it this time. But the details for that aren't what's important right now.

No, what matters, is that since I will be gone for a while, we've got the whole gang together for drinks!

Yes, I remember how it went last time. Yes, we are going to do it again, only this time, Kumiko is going to be here with us!

We meet at the same bar as last time, because there aren't a lot of bars for ANBU to hang out in, I can actually go as me now, instead of Shiori's brother, who if anyone asks, never existed in the first place.

You saw him? You must be mistaken.

You talked with him? Must have been drunk because he doesn't exist.

Anyway, I'm the first to arrive again, and probably predicting this, Shiori is the last to arrive. Even though I'm not pretending to be her brother anymore, it's still incredibly fun to try to hook her up with people.

Anyway, we picked a day that everyone was free so the whole gang is here, Shiori or Hawks' squad, most of Tatsuya or Ravens' squad and most of my squad, the the guest of honour, Swan aka Kumiko.

"Damn Hana, where did you find this one? Did you steal her from some Daimyo's harem or something?"

Naturally, Jun starts conversation by both flirting with and objectifying Kumiko, something she clearly enjoys, because she is a massive pervert and also like fucking with people, especially horny people.

Tonight will be fun for sure.

I ignore as Kumiko starts having fun making Jun look like an idiot and make conversation with Shiori as Koichi and Jack both go to the bar to get our drinks, though I suspect that Jack is only there to get himself something and Koichi is going to have to get stuff for everyone else.

Eh, he'll manage. So anyway, I start conversation with Hawk.

"Hey, look at that guy over there, I bet he's got a massive dong, want me to go see if he-oof"

My making of conversation is interrupted by Shiori's elbow making itself home in my stomach. Ow.

"My god, will you two ever stop this weird fucking flirting, cuckhold thing you've got going on and just fuck already?"

Guess who? It's Tatsuya!

"Fuck off, and fuck you too."  Shiori eloquently describes her feelings on the matter.

"My, my Shiori, your vocational skills never cease to impress, what she means to say is that the chances of us fucking is about comparable to the chance that you will suddenly develop the correct number of chromosomes."

Yoichi and Shiori both snort while Tatsu just stares blankly at me for a moment. Thankfully Koichi spares him from hurting himself by thinking too hard by giving the answer, having returned with drinks that he divvies up.

"He's saying that they won't fuck because you're a retard."

"No, no, he's saying they 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 fuck when he stops being a retard."

"What even is the difference?"

"It's not that he's a retard that's the problem, it's that he's not, not a retard."

"That doesn't make any fucking sense."

"Of course it does, if he is a retard they won't fuck, but it's not 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 he's a retard, but because he isn't not a retard."

"That's the same fucking thing."

"Guys, I'm right here, stop calling me a retard."

""Shut up retard.""

And with that eloquent display of intelligence and camaraderie, the night is underway.

...

""Spin! Spin! Spin!"" We all chant as Kumiko stands while we all sit at the table and spins the bottle, smiling deviously as it lands on Jun. Ohh, this'll be fun.

"I dare you, to go give that guy over there a blowy!"

Jun's smirk turns into a dropped jaw while we all burst out laughing.

Jun glares at us all and takes two shots with a huff. Hah, pussy.

Oh yeah, we increased the number of shots you have to take, because if the punishment is larger then we will be more likely to do the dare, and less likely to drink and thus, we won't get as drunk as we did last time.

Man, we are so smart.

Anyway, it's Jun's turn now and he is the meanest one so I hope it doesn't land on me.

Damn.

"Hah! Hana! I dare you to cut off your hand!"

The fuck is wrong with you.

Well, that's an easy pass thanks. I take my shots and spin.

Jack.

"I dare you to go punch that guy in the face and down his drink."

...

"I d're you to buy me a p'zza"

Kaito smiles drunkenly at Tetsu, who stares him dead in the face and takes two shots.

Hah! Good one Tetsu.

"Fuck you!"

"Tetsu's turn!!"

"It's just a pizza!"

"Spin! Spin! Spin!"

"You would rather take the shots that spend like 100 Ryo on a pizza?"

Tetsu spins, it lands on Koichi.

We all look to Tetsu in anticipation, since he was the one that brought us out of the bar last time.. we think.

"Go to the onsen and break the wall separating the genders."

Tetsu I could kiss you you beautiful man, you always have the most fun ideas. No one causes chaos quite like a drunk Tetsu.

We make off from the bar, once again carrying a bunch of booze with us. Have we learned our lesson yet? No. Will we ever? Probably not.

We make it to the onsen and Koichi stumbles in while we all stand outside like a bunch of perverts, standing outside the onsen like this.

We wait.

Nothing is happening.

Why is nothing happen-

*𝘉𝘰𝘰𝘮*

Huh.

We watch as a giant explosion appears inside of the onsen, followed by a whole lot of womanly screaming.

"We should, err, leave?"

Looks like we are in agreement.

Koichi shows up at some point, covered in burns and wooden splinters. I give him a high five for his effort.

...

Why are we collecting cats again?

Is this a thing?

Why is this a thing?

Eh, not my problem.

Probably.

Wait who's dare is this?

I meet up with the others by pure chance, or we did set a meeting point and I just can't remember that part.

Oh well, I add the cats to the sack and the sack gets handed to Kaito. Again. He's going to get a reputation if this keeps up.

Kaito just nods and walks off. This feels familiar. What is he even doing with the cats?

Zoology lessons?

Heh. Gross.

"Hey Hana."

Hmm? What was that Yu?

"Did you just vomit on me?"

I look closely at Yu, inspecting his form and would you look at that, there is vomit on his legs.

I continue my inspection on myself. I do have vomit on my chin.

My detective instincts give me my answer so I look to Yu with all the seriousness that a proper investigation demands.

"Yes."

"What?"

"What?"

"Yes what? What are you saying yes about?"

Huh? I look around and we seem to be in a different place. Did I get so lost in thought that it's actually been days!!

"What year is it!?!"

"I dun know, probably about three in the morning."

Oh, well that's fine then.

"Hey what were we doing?"

...

"I d're you t' cut 'ff your finger!"

The fuck is wrong with you Jun? Why do you so desire my amputation? Prithee Horatio.

Fuck I can't remember how that goes, something about a jester right?

Whatever, where's my knife, err, kunai.

I ain't no pussy.

...

"Whyyyy Emmm Seee Ayyy, It's what the people say, Whyyyy~"

Heheheheehe.

We're singing the YMCA. Hahaha.

I think some people are missing.

Wait, no.

There have got to be like, fifteen people with me, though I didn't know I knew so many twins and triplets.

Wait who's turn is it?

Eh, doesn't matter, I see a fireworks store and I just had a wonderful idea.

........

Uggghhh.

Owwwwwwwww.

Fuck me. My head feels awful.

I try to open my eyes only to be stabbed in the face by the sun.

Ow.

Wait this seems familiar?

It takes me a moment but I get it.

Am I hungover again?

Shit!

My eyes shoot open, ignoring the pain as I look around the room.

Bed. Draws. Walls. Door. Naked woman. Pictures of a family. No pictures of the Hokage. No turds.

Phew.

I collapse back in the bed filled with relief.

I did not break into the Hokage's home this time. Epic.

Wait. Naked woman?

I look to my side and confirm. Yes. That is a naked woman. One whom is laying face to face with me, snuggled up to my chest.

Long blond hair, beautiful face and big ol' badonkadonks.

Wait a minute, I recognise that description.

I look closer at the woman's face, scrutinising it.

Huh.

Fuck.

She groans slightly as she stirs awake her arm tightening its hold over me.

Uh, you know what? I'll just go along with it, see where this goes, might be funny.

Her eyes slowly flutter awake and after a moment, clarity returns and she looks me in the eyes.

A moment later and her unseeing gaze becomes more focused.

Then her eyes open wide in shock as she opens her mouth to speak but no words come out.

"Heya Tsunade, sleep well?"

Apparently that wasn't the right thing to say as I find myself kissing her bedroom wall. I didn't even see her move, damn monsters.

Also ow.

"Who the fuck are you?!!"

I let myself collapse to the ground, obviously still naked and turn to Tsunade who is sitting up on the bed and using her covers to protect her modesty, though given the situation I feel it might be a little bit late.

"You don't even know the name of the boy you brought to bed? How naughty."

Heh, the way she flushes from both anger and embarrassment is amusing.

"Answer the question before I punch you 𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 the wall." She growls threateningly, but honestly I don't feel like cowering I also don't feel like getting punched through another wall.

So I get up, making Tsunade blush slightly because I am still naked and I walk back to the bed eyes locked onto her own as I sit in front of her and hold out my hand.

"Names Hanabira, 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘶𝘳𝘦 to meet you."

She looks slightly less mad but accepts the handshake, which, coincidentally, means she doesn't have a hand holding up her duvet, exposing herself.

Heh, I am such a genius.

I dodge Tunade's punch to the face, predictable as it was and instead fall down on top of her, pushing her to the bed beneath me.

Heh, Tunade's only in her twenties right now, so she isn't experienced enough to stop herself from blushing from our position.

"Why so violent? What's wrong with having a little bit of fun stress relief, you can't tell me you didn't enjoy last night." I whisper in her hear, nibbling slightly before moving downwards, kissing her neck.

I may not remember last night, but I was trained in the arts of le fuck by Kumiko herself, so I am confident she would have enjoyed it, something that is proven right by the way that she doesn't resist in the slightest, even as my face moves lower.

I mean, if she really wanted to stop me she would, she is significantly stronger than me after all.

A few hours later and I am leaving the Senju compound with a half hearted warning of never showing my face again that I will probably obey, unless I get drunk again or something.

Well, I'd say that went significantly better than last time.

Of course, it's then that an ANBU drops in front of me to invite me to the Hokage's office.

Damn.

Thankfully, it actually was better than last time, other than the fireworks exploding, which we unanimously decided to blame on Jun, because fuck Jun, we didn't really do anything too bad.

The only thing that's odd that I'm noticing is that one of my fingers is really itchy at its base. Wonder why that is?

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

A/N: He~llo! Dear readers!

He went to Tsunade to reattach his finger, then ended up using that finger for amorous activities.

If any of you mention what i said about not posting two chapters, I will burn your house down and shatter you like glass

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