The Villainess Does Not Want to Die

Chapter 26: When I’d Grown a Little

I wiped my bloodied right hand on my soiled blouse and touched my face.

My facial muscles felt stiff, refusing to move as I intended.

I thought I was smiling.

Raphael answered the question I hadn’t realized I’d asked aloud.

“…You’re crying.”

His words prompted me to check my eyes.

Tears had welled up.

Surely, it was just because my eyes were dry.

“Raphael, help me up.”

“Uh, okay.”

He approached hesitantly, his face full of fear, and took my hand.

At first, I managed to get up slightly, but my legs gave out, and I collapsed back down.

Raphael tried to help me again, but I pushed him away, insisting I was fine.

Sorry about today, Raphael. From the very beginning, all I’ve shown you is the worst of me.

I wondered if he’d still want to become a knight after seeing this.

Knights like those in fairy tales, noble and heroic, didn’t exist. They couldn’t.

Physical exhaustion could be dealt with by eating decent food and sleeping for a few days.

But I was mentally drained.

Sitting next to a corpse reeking of blood and death was far from a pleasant experience.

The sticky warmth of blood seeping through my clothes and brushing against my skin made it worse.

What was the point of assigning me a protector if this was the outcome?

I didn’t need a knight or any of these so-called servants.

All they brought me was harm and trouble.

How much longer would I have to live like this?

Looking up at the sky, I felt an inexplicable irritation.

I hated the moons. Having one was bad enough, but seeing two floating there was maddening.

Raphael approached me again, trying to help me up.

Even if I leaned against a wall, my trembling limbs wouldn’t cooperate. Moving felt impossible.

Even when I pushed him away and told him to leave me alone, he persisted, trying to carry me somewhere.

“What are you doing?”

“I… I think the authorities might come for you.”

His expression was unusually serious.

Despite myself, I let out a laugh—a grotesque sound, warped with uneven breathing and distorted by a twisted expression.

It wasn’t really laughter; it was a sob disguised as one.

I didn’t want to cry, didn’t want to wail and lose control, so I covered it up with laughter.

Taking deep breaths, I gradually became accustomed to the nauseating stench of blood, and my breathing steadied.

“No way. The scary men in blue uniforms only arrest broken adults and easy targets like kids.”

Raphael looked at me as if I’d said something incomprehensible.

“And they won’t come now.

That man was a knight, from an obviously high-ranking noble family.

No one wants to get involved and risk losing their head.”

“Even if someone was killed?”

To Raphael, maybe that knight counted as a person.

To me, he didn’t. He couldn’t.

“Exactly. Even if the maid he was beating died, the men with clubs will act like nothing happened.”

If this were a world where anyone could die from a single bullet, maybe nobles and knights would act with a little humility.

Raphael’s expression reflected shock at my words.

What would happen to me now?

Would they lock me up, claiming I killed my assigned knight just because I didn’t like him?

Or maybe they wouldn’t. After all, it was true that he’d been drunk and trying to assault Alina.

“Is that all?”

“Yeah, that’s all.”

I began to regain some feeling in my legs.

Bracing myself against the ground, I pushed myself up without Raphael’s help.

I stumbled and nearly fell again, but Raphael caught me just in time.

I thanked him and trudged toward the house, with Raphael following close behind.

Where had all the servants gone?

If they’d had any sense of loyalty, they would have thrown themselves in harm’s way to protect Alina.

I couldn’t even remember their names, let alone call them out.

When I returned to the Duke’s estate, I hoped every one of the servants assigned here would be dismissed.

If they had any decency, they’d leave on their own.

If not… well, they’d leave when they realized their lives depended on it.

Inside the house, I went straight to the bathroom and sat down.

I’d come here to wash up, but Raphael lingered, unsure of what to do.

Ah, I thought, he doesn’t even know what a bathroom is.

As I tried to figure out how to explain the concept, Raphael spoke first.

“Marie.”

“What?”

“Do you remember what I said back then? When the director beat me up, and I sat next to you while you were reading?”

“That happened so many times I’ve lost count.”

“I told you to stop pretending like nothing’s wrong.”

His words made me shiver.

Was it anger? Or the shame of being called out so directly?

And then, like most adults when they run out of words, I snapped.

“Shut up, Raphael.”

At that, he closed his mouth.

I hadn’t meant to, but a curse slipped out. Was it a defense mechanism?

I’d wanted our reunion to be full of kind words and good memories.

Why couldn’t I control my emotions?

Would I end up losing myself completely someday?

Would I, when meeting the protagonist in the future, fall so completely that I’d willingly offer them my own neck?

When She Grew a Little

To be a kind and beloved woman.

Just the thought of someone like that fills me with jealousy.

I don’t want to cry.

In truth, I don’t even want to smile.

Raphael had said I killed someone.

But what I killed couldn’t have been a person.

If I thought of that thing sprawled on the ground as someone who could feel and think like me, I’d collapse under the weight of it.

I had to think of it as something inevitable, something I simply had to do.

But then he told me not to.

What, was I supposed to bang my head against a wall and scream?

Cry out loud and reveal every shred of my emotions?

They say if you suppress your feelings too much, your heart will dry up.

So no, I hadn’t killed anyone.

Even as I repeated it to myself, I felt like I had already failed in my mind.

“…I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s fine. I think I just… said the wrong thing.”

Raphael looked genuinely remorseful, wearing a faintly guilty expression.

It irritated me so much that I unconsciously bit my lip.

After some time, Kesel came into the house, carrying Alina like a princess.

When I stood up and glanced outside, I saw that a physician had arrived and was checking her pulse.

“Kesel, tell the coachman to prepare for our immediate return to the Duke’s estate tomorrow.”

“…Understood.”

“How’s Alina?”

“The physician says she’ll be fine after a day or two of rest.”

Kesel gently placed her on the bed.

“Raphael, do you still want to become a knight?”

The phrasing—something like a knight—made Kesel flinch, though he said nothing.

Raphael hesitated, then nodded timidly.

“Kesel, can you take this scrappy little kid from the slums as your squire? It’s fine to refuse if you don’t want to.”

Even someone as tactless as Kesel seemed to understand what I meant.

After a brief pause, he nodded.

“If he has the skills, I don’t see why not.”

“Well, that settles it.

Now both of you leave. I need to wash up.”

At my words, Raphael flushed slightly and nodded before leaving with Kesel.

I peeled off my soaked, heavy clothes and tossed them into a corner.

The blood they carried splattered onto the floor, an unsightly mess.

It would start to stink if left there, but what did it matter? I wasn’t coming back here anyway.

I grabbed a piece of ornate paper from the bathroom wall and tore it in half. Warm water began pouring from the air.

As the clear water ran over my body, it turned red as it flowed to the floor.

“Disgusting.”

Washing my hair and body by myself was harder than I expected.

I really had become a fool who couldn’t even take care of herself.

For a moment, I wanted to submerge my face in the water and stay there.

In the tub, everything felt muted and blurry—comfortably so.

Once I finished cleaning myself, I used a towel hanging on the wall to dry off and shook the water from my damp hair.

I didn’t have any clothes to wear.

I opened a small wardrobe and found one of Alina’s maid uniforms. It would have to do.

Unfortunately, there were no undergarments, and the rough fabric scratched uncomfortably against my skin.

I lay down beside Alina, who was still unconscious.

Gently, I touched the cheek that had been struck, then her bloodied lips, and finally her closed eyes.

She’s my only ally.

When everyone in the estate pointed fingers at me, when they all dismissed me, Alina was the only one who helped me.

She’s too special to me.

Special enough that I would kill someone for her, even if people said that someone deserved to die.

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