The Misadventures of a Terrestrial Anomaly

“Now Charlotte, that pirouette was pitiful. You know you can do better!” The older woman shook her head, “Can’t you be more like Sasha?”

“Sasha is the one that wanted to do ballet!” The young girl crossed her arms, “I wanted to play baseball.”

“Baseballs for boys!” The younger sister stuck her tongue out.

The two girls looked remarkably similar. The youngest one had much blonder hair and bluer eyes than Charlie. Though one was a few years younger, they were the same height and could’ve been considered twins.

She stomped her foot, “There isn’t a softball team, so how else am I supposed to play?”

“Why can’t you be more like your little sister, Charlotte?” Their mother sighed, “I’m paying good money for these classes. Ballet might be a better way for you to get scholarships and find husbands in college. Nobody wants to date a girl that plays baseball.”

“I’m not wearing the tutu.”

“Charlie, we will make pretty princesses!” Her sister grabbed her hands, “Maybe we can join somewhere in the city to do performances too? Mommy and Daddy will be so proud of us if we do good!”

“Quit calling her Charlie,” Their mother scoffed, “That’s a boy’s name! You call her Charlotte or Lottie.”

“Lottie sounds dumb,” Sasha twirled and played with her fluffy tutu, “Besides, she’s my big sister.”

“You’re both my daughters. What I say goes.”

“Charlie sounds better than Lottie,” She grinned, “I’ll stop complaining about ballet if I can go by that.”

“I’m still calling you by the names I gave you,” Their mom kissed them both on the head, “So, Sasha and Charlotte, let’s do this again. I’m not paying for private lessons for no reason.”

“Does Charlie get to pick the next extracurricular we do?”

“Yeah! Do I?”

“Only if it is suitable for a young lady. What about debutante classes? You’re almost old enough. You could start them next year!”

Charlie groaned and flipped over. It wasn’t the first time she relived a memory in her dreams, but it still rattled her more than it should have. She shivered and pulled more blankets over her shoulders. At least she was in her own apartment and could recuperate from the drinking the night before. The smell of cigarette smoke was new, though.

Charlie sighed as she thought about trying to get the scent off of her sheets. She knew she wouldn’t say anything, though, as long as the guy left without too much hassle. She hated confrontations like that.

“Would you stop pulling the blanket off me? It’s cold.”

Charlie opened her eyes in fright. The woman casually tugged a thick blanket over her chest and flipped a page in her book. Her raven black hair contrasted against her pale skin. She adjusted large circular glass on her button nose. She cozied up in the assortment of pillows and continued to read as she smoked.

Charlie really only had one thought.

“Holy shit,” She accidently said out loud, “I didn’t know I could get a woman that hot,”

“You’re not too bad yourself,” She snorted and flicked the ash from her cigarette, “Relax, though. We didn’t do anything. You passed out so quickly last night. I had to carry you to bed.”

“Why… are you naked then?”

“You ripped your own dress off then told me to get comfy,” She shrugged, “Do you not remember?”

“I’m going to be honest; I hardly remember last night. I… I’m not sure if I know your name.”

“Piper Ilmari,” She bent the corner of the page and placed the book on her lap, “A pleasure to meet you in a more sober state. You were pretty drunk yesterday. I couldn’t understand half of what you said.”

“If I’m being honest, I think I’ve had a terrible nightmare or some sort of psychotic break,” Charlie rubbed her forehead, “I mean, it’s wild that –”

“Graw!” Squirt yawned out from the other side of the room.

“Oh, okay cool. So, it wasn’t a dream,” She put her head back in the pillow, “Well shit.”

“Gabby said that you weren’t from around here. Weird to see she was right,” Piper pushed her glasses up her nose, “Is it the Leonie? It’s fascinating seeing one for the first time. Though, with your attunements –”

“Oh, yeah!” Charlie remembered that the lioness told her to lie, “He’s my favorite, though.”

The larger Squirt tortoise stuck his neck out and yawned. On top of his shell, a tiny black nested with a small pair of glasses. Charlie looked between the bird and Piper.

“Oh, that’s Jonah.”

He squawked and Squirt backed his head into the bird.

Piper picked her book back up, “Why would a god need attunements anyway?”

“God?”

“You told me you were a god of drinking and… turtles?”

Squirt happily cheered. As he reared up, Jonah angrily pecked at his shell for waking the bird up.

“Turtles?” Charlie chuckled, “I guess? Not exactly a god. Puddles would hate to hear that.”

You have one new message. Would you like to review?

“Hold on a second, Piper,” She put her hands over her eyes, “Let’s hear it.”

“Charlie. I swear to Ocean herself if you don’t get me out of here, I WILL kill you. I don’t know how you convinced me, but I’m not sure what happened after I drank that third barrel of wine. Call Navara if you have to. Just GET. ME. OUT. NOW.”

There was only one place that girlishly squeaky voice could have come from.

“Puddles sounds furious,” She laughed.

“The water goddess? You’re actually friends with her?”

“I think ‘friends’ is a loose term,” Charlie ran her fingers through her hair, “But, sure. I just have to figure out where she is.”

“You really get system updates? That’s awesome. I haven’t heard of that in a while.”

You have one new message. Would you like to review?

Charlie furrowed her brow and looked around, “Yes?”

“Hey asshole! I can hear that you’re awake. Let me out!”

“Puddles, if you can hear me, you’ve got to tell me where you –” Her eyes fell onto the bottomless mug, “Oh shit.”

You have one new message.

“I’m in the mug, you moron!”

She scooped up the mug and looked over the bright runes. Each of the ten had a color on it. Most of them being the same cerulean blue.

“Is there a problem?” Piper leaned towards Charlie, “You keep cursing and talking to yourself. Or is that normal for gods? Haven’t met many, myself.”

“Then why did you even agree to come here?” Charlie laughed.

“A god asked me for a ‘sleepover.’ Who am I to say no?” She shrugged, “What are you doing? Let me see if I can help.”

“Well,” Her thumbs traced over the six nearly identical symbols, “Do you know what this says?”

“You’re lucky I know runic codes,” Piper winked and blew smoke from her nose, “Let me put this out and I’ll see what I can do.”

The raven-haired woman found a discarded bowl and flicked the cigarette butt into it. She cleared her throat and adjusted the glasses on her nose. She grabbed the bottomless mug from Charlie and pulled it up to her eyes.

“This is pretty cool. You’ll have to tell me how you –”

“Get me out of this thing!” Puddles voice echoed from the mug, “I can’t see!”

Piper squeaked and dropped it.

“As you can see, she’s upset.”

“No kidding, I would be too if I was trapped in here,” Piper laughed, “I can’t understand the runes, though. They’re in godspeak. I’m surprised you don’t know what it says.”

“She is not a god!”

“Puddles, you’re really killing the ‘fun new Charlie’ vibe I’m giving off to my friend,” She sighed, “It’s so nice to finally meet another, completely normal –”

The small bird flew to Piper and grabbed the mug’s hand in its tiny claws. It squawked at her before she rolled her eyes.

“Jonah! I just got to be the one with legs. Gods, give me a minute to figure it out.”

“Craw! Ree!” Jonah protested.

“Fine!” She pulled the glasses from her face.

The small bird skittishly looked between them and made a softer, almost embarrassed chirp. He pecked at the glasses for a moment and looked up at Charlie. When she smiled softly to him, he squeaked and scurried away.

“Really? Now you’re shy?” Piper tsked, “She’s going to find out eventually.”

“Find out what?”

“Jonah’s my brother. My twin, actually,” She rubbed a hand down her face, “He’s probably embarrassed that your breasts are out.”

“Wait, your—” Her eyes grew, “He’s a bird!”

Piper got out of bed and stretched. A gruesome bird shaped scar on her shoulder caught her attention. The woman scratched at it as she picked up her clothes. She grabbed a shirt from the floor and threw it at Charlie.

“Yeah, yeah. A commonly asked question answered: we’re cursed. Just throw something on so he doesn’t lose him mind when we trade spots.”

“Trade spots? What are you—Wait!” She pulled the shirt over herself, “What the hell is—”

Piper convulsed as she curled into a ball. Wings stretched from her back as she shrunk. Black feathers burst from her skin as her agonizing groan morphed into a shrieking cry. Charlie was tempted to reach for her but didn’t know if she could help in anyway.

A raven screeched angrily at the other bird until it plucked the glasses from the bed. The two black birds argued with each other before the smaller one huffed and pulled the glasses away. As it touched his beak, the bird morphed into a small, sickly thin man on the opposite path of his sister. He hid his furious blush behind a long curtain of black hair that matched Piper, only curly and longer.

“Ah, um,” Jonah cleared his throat, “Just give me a moment and – and I’ll be back to –”

“What the fuck is happening right now?” Charlie couldn’t stop herself from asking.

Water erupted from Squirt and knocked Jonah off the bed. The turtle shrank and sped to protectively stand between them.

“I think Piper left clothes—”

“Pants, yes,” He squeaked and covered his groin with a blanket, “Sorry, I forget the—the clothes when –”

The raven pecked at his head as he sat back up. Jonah swatted her away as he buttoned the pants over his lower half. The only major difference between them was how much younger and emaciated he looked compared to his sister. Both twins shared a gnarly bird shaped scar on their left shoulder.

“Hi. I’m Jonah. I—I don’t normally take the human part but—” He winced as Piper screeched in his ear, “Yes, I know. I’m getting to it! Can I see the mug so I can go back?”

“You want to be a bird?”

“Oh, absolutely yes.”

“I won’t hold you up then?”

“Good, good, good,” He rapidly twitched his head and shoulders as he examined the mug, “Interesting very—quit it Piper!”

The raven perched on his shoulder and screeched into his ear as if she scolded him. Charlie laughed at the interaction between the siblings.

“So, care to explain the—”

“Quite, please. I’m trying to concentrate.”

She nodded, “Okay, I’m just going to… get dressed?”

“Yes. Good. You,” He looked over before he blushed and lowered his gaze, “You are distracting me.”

Piper angrily cawed and pecked at him.

“What? I wasn’t being mean!”

Charlie watched the ghostly blue eyes glow as Jonah stared into the runes. He turned the mug slowly to examine it fully. Squirt made a noise somewhere between a laugh and a gurgle and crawled towards her. The raven hopped along Jonah’s shoulder and tilted her head at the turtle. Charlie curiously watched their interaction. Squirt chirped at the bird as she hopped down onto the bed next to him. She reared her head back and screeched a horrible laughing sound.

“She is a lot more talkative, huh?”

“Yes.”

She nodded and looked back at the animals. Squirt rolled into his shell and tucked his fins and legs into his shell. Piper jumped onto his underbelly and nestled into a squat. As the raven watched her brother examine the mug, she chirped every once in a while, to keep him back on track.

When the door swung open, a familiar Leonie stepped in. Jonah yelped and jumped off the bed as Davon rubbed the sleep from his eyes. The mug clattered against the ground and rolled away. Squirt rolled over, knocking Piper off of him, and roared at the lion.

“How hung over are you?” He grumbled, “I shouldn’t have drank that much—who is she?”

“This is Jonah. He is trying to help me with something.”

“Should I… come back later?” His eyebrow raised.

“What?” Charlie questioned.

“No! No. It’s fine. Just fine,” Jonah pushed the glasses up his nose and scooped up the bottomless mug, “Working.”

“I haven’t heard it called that before.”

Charlie looked down at her hastily thrown on shirt, the half-naked man, the thrown about sheets, and angry Squirt. She then came to the same conclusion Davon had. She cackled and threw the blankets off her lap. Her shirt covered her underwear, but she still looked scandalous.

“Get your mind out of the gutter, you pervert,” She laughed, “Puddles is trapped in the mug she gave me.”

A small echo surprised Jonah, “Get me out!”

“How did you even—” He sighed, “Never mind. How do we get her out?”

“Trying!” Jonah’s eyes glowed as he stared intently at the mug.

Piper flew across the room and landed on Davon’s mane. He swatted at her until she angrily croaked in his ear. Squirt chortled and sprayed a small stream of water on the lion.

“Why am I getting attacked?” Davon grunted, “I just walked in here!”

“You know Squirt isn’t a fan of you. As for Piper—” Charlie paused as the bird pulled hair from his mane, “No idea.”

“He didn’t like her hitting on him,” Jonah said quietly, “That makes her more interested.”

Piper screeched at her brother from Davon’s shoulders.

“What? Charlie –” He pressed a button, “Got it!”

Jonah tossed the mug in the air and grinned madly as ribbons of magic light swirled around it. He mumbled to himself as his fingers twitched in the air. Runes on the mug twinkled as it filled turned about. When he quickly gripped his hand, all the runes stopped glowing. Liquids of all colors sprayed from both ends of the bottomless mug like a cacophony of wet fireworks. Once it stopped leaking, the gurgling puddle turned into the water goddess of the same name. She seethed as she looked at Charlie.

“How dare –”

“Oh, calm down. You’re fiiiiine.”

“I can’t believe you just told me to calm down!” Puddles scoffed, “I could smite you, you know!”

“Not until your mom meets me,” She winked, “Besides, I doubt I convinced you to get in there. You were curious, weren’t you?”

She turned with a huff, “I’m not doing it again.”

Jonah touched the glasses on his face with shaking hands, “Piper—can I?”

The raven hopped off Davon’s shoulder and flew towards her brother. He removed the glasses and grotesquely morphed back into the small black bird. Piper stretched up from her raven formed. Her back popped as she stood fully and looked around for something to wear. Davon covered his eyes from the naked woman until she found a discarded dress and threw it on.

“So why are you both crows?” He asked.

“I am a raven. He is a crow. There is a difference!” She scoffed, “Ravens are more beautiful and elegant. Don’t be so insulting.”

The small crow grabbed his tiny spectacles and placed them on his beak. He meekly chirped before he scurried under the bed.

“Okay, why are you both—”

“Cursed.”

“I see,” He nodded, “Why did he know how to… do that?”

“Oh, he was an acolyte of Knowledge,” Piper crossed her arms and rolled her eyes, “He can only use his powers in human form.”

“Makes sense.”

“What about you? Do you have magic?” Charlie asked before she remembered and thought of the only spell she knew.

Current level identification of Piper:

Name: Piper Ilmari

Race: Human

Class: Shapeshifter

Subclass: Fae-cursed Crow

Level: 25

Racial Ability: Advanced Regeneration

“Piper, you’re actually a cr—” She bite her tongue, “Level 25?”

“Really? I must have leveled up on the way over here from Vlaminer,” She shrugged as she put the glasses on, “Gabby will be pleased.”

“Speaking of her!” Puddles clapped, “She’s here.”

“Wait how do you—”

The water goddess groaned and rolled her eyes, “Obviously, like any other water elemental, I can evaporate and appear anywhere I keep my mana anchored. Every basin in this temple and fountain in this town I can come out of. It’s very convenient for—”

“Oh, I know why you were probably in the mug then,” Charlie picked it off the ground with a chuckle, “Even when I’m drunk, I’m a genius.”

“Explain,” Davon furrowed his brow.

“So, if Puddles only needs to put part of her mana in something to appear in it…” She jingled it by the handle, “She’d only need to put a drop in here, in literally any slot, to appear in my mug.”

“Which means I wouldn’t have—” Her eyes grew wide, “I remember now! I think I materialized in one of the booze slots instead of the water spots.”

“How far would that even go?” Piper asked, “Because it’s a hike to Vlaminer from here. Do you think it’d reach?”

“I don’t know. I know I can reach the river Mixus from here. That’s a little under halfway,” Puddles sighed and reached for the cup, “This idiot would also have to know which button to press to let me out.”

“I’m sure sober me could figure it out. Besides, she’s all empty now!”

Charlie pushed the bottomless cup up her forearm and wore it like a novelty bracer. The goddess peered at her until the room’s door flung open.