The Impeccable Adventure of the Reluctant Dungeon

Two dozen royal slimes rolled along the underground tunnel. Each of them was the size of a small shed, full of goblin bones and old rusty weapons. It wasn’t rare for an overconfident, novice adventurer to overestimate themselves and charge alone at such a creature, perishing as a result.

The slimes slowed down, arriving at a complete stop. They had sensed a presence in their domain and now were preparing to pounce. The sound of careless footsteps echoed throughout the tunnel, coming from a side corridor. As the steps approached, the surface of the slimes changed color, blending with their surroundings. Then, when the figure emerged, all of them dashed towards it.

“Ice blades,” Theo’s avatar said in the most bored voice possible. Dozens of sharp chunks of ice appeared around him, flying into his attackers. Like a hailstorm they pierced through the gelatinous surface, causing the slimes to splat out of existence mid-air.

CORE CONSUMPTION

13 royal slime core fragments converted into 650 Avatar Core Points.

Throughout the town, Theo sighed. Back when he was fighting Lord Mandrake, he couldn’t get enough of the thrill of adventuring. That was one of the reasons he had constructed a ridiculous number of slime pools. The moment the threat subsided, harvesting the minions for core points had become like going to the gym: something left for later.

With a sigh and a grumble, the avatar continued along the corridor to the next cluster of slimes. So far, he had killed quite a lot of them already—or at least they seemed like a lot—and had yet to reach level twenty. That was one of the issues dealing with monsters he had himself created.

“Do you feel any better, sir?” Spok appeared in the corridor a few steps away. With everything going on, the woman was concerned. A day had passed since the strange condition had occurred and since then the dungeon had lost half of his current energy twice. With the large amount of aether generators, Theo was still able to function; to an outside observer, nothing seemed wrong. However, such a condition was far from normal.

YOU FEEL DEVASTATING HUNGER!

A message appeared in the tunnel.

“What do you think?” both Theo and his avatar asked. “Were you able to find anything?”

“Well…” the woman adjusted the collar of her shirt. “The tower is looking into it, sir.”

“And?”

“And they are looking into it, sir. It’s not a human condition, that’s for certain, and they are convinced that it’s not related to the demon hearts.”

“Maybe it takes time for the hearts to have an effect? Didn’t the gnome go all crazy after a few months of hanging around them?”

“That is not the case, sir. Most likely it’s nothing to be alarmed about, merely a minor annoyance that will sort itself out with time.”

The explanation wasn’t what the dungeon wanted to hear, but since there was nothing he could do, he decided to try to sleep through it. Unfortunately, that turned out not to be possible. At noon each day the message would first appear, then continue doing so with increasing frequency. By evening, the warning of the monster core would emerge, leading to the marginally painful energy halving. It didn’t matter what Theo was doing or what measures he took. Killing slimes didn’t help in the least. As had become apparent, neither was buying monster cores to consume.

It seemed that Theo was stuck with this. The messages and energy drain had become part of his everyday routine. And still with each day, the dungeon grew more and more cranky until one day he had had enough.

“I can’t take this anymore!” Theo shouted as the avatar jumped out of bed. Stomping his way out of the room, he went down his stairs towards the door.

“Sir?” Spok asked. “Where are you going?”

“To the damned adventurer’s guild!” the avatar snapped, sliding on his dimensional ring and the gear contained within.

“The… the adventurer’s guild, sir?”

“They have been pestering me for days to convince Cmyk to become a member. Well, now they’ll have their wish!”

“I don’t see how that will help, sir.” The spirit guide appeared next to him. “I’ve already asked, and no one in Rosewind has any idea regarding your condition.”

“Cmyk won’t be joining the guild.” The avatar opened the door. “I am.” He stepped outside, the door slamming behind him.

The weather was mild for the season. Most of the locals were still wearing their summer clothes, which annoyed Theo, although there wasn’t a reason it should. The chirping of birds had been long replaced by the screeching of griffins, although thanks to the constant feeding they got from the townspeople, the creatures had toned it down while in the vicinity.

The trip to Ulf’s adventurer guild lasted less than a minute. It was a pleasant building; at one point it probably had been one of the gems in Rosewind, but since then had gone through hard times. The people in charge had done their best to keep the first floor in good condition, adding a lot of well-crafted boards and banners. Looking above them, though, showed a crumbling façade, abundant with cracks and riddled with holes. Some were caused by the invasion, though some were visibly older. A large bronze plaque depicting a lion in profile was right next to the door, in stark contrast with the small wooden board underneath which read “Join for free!” If all local adventurer guilds were like this, no wonder they were trying to bribe Cmyk with cheap wine.

Straightening some wrinkles on his clothes, Theo took a deep breath and walked inside.

In his previous life, Theo had gone through many disappointments, making him quickly distinguish between the fantasy of commercials and the reality that was the actual product. Dozens of times he had ordered fast food only to receive a smudge of the food shown on the takeout menus. All those experiences paled in comparison to what the avatar had walked into right now. It wasn’t that the inside of the guildhall was run down or filthy. Objectively, it looked like a rather well-kept cross between a tavern and a library. That was precisely the source of disappointment. Nothing screamed adventure less than a library that served tea and warm soup to everyone inside. All that was missing was a silence sign to make the boredom complete.

“Can I help you?” an old man asked. He looked like someone who had achieved a great deal in his day, which looked to be half a century ago. The scars were still there, but the muscles were long gone, making him look like an aged bureaucrat.

“I’m Baron Theodor d’Argent,” the avatar said, then waited for his words to have the expected effect.

They didn’t. The old man stood there, a dull smile on his face, pristinely waiting.

“You must have heard of me.”

“I am familiar, yes. You helped in the battle against Lord Mandrake.”

Helped?! Theo wanted to yell. He had won the whole thing! Not to mention everything he had done afterwards. Normally, people would acknowledge at least that. This guy seemed absolutely unimpressed.

“My apologies, but what is a noble mage such as yourself doing here? Do you wish to hire us for some task?”

“No, I’m here to join your guild.”

If a dragon had ripped the roof off, it would hardly have caused greater shock than the words that Theo had just said. It was common for the children of nobles to run off to an adventurer guild to escape the boredom they were subjected to. Often, their parents would even pay the guild master to orchestrate a pretend mission for the kids to get the notion out of their system. Having a full-grown man, a mage at that, request to join was unheard of.

“Err, are you experiencing financial difficulties?” the old man whispered.

“What?” the dungeon’s avatar snapped. “Do I look like someone who has financial difficulties?” he asked, and just to stress on the fact that he didn’t, he took out a handful of gold coins from his dimensional ring and slammed them on the counter.

“Did you lose a bet by chance?”

“Look, I came to join. If you don’t want me, just say so that I can go to one of the other two shacks that pass for guilds and do the same.”

“My apologies, but having someone of your caliber is… unusual. With what you’ve done, you could easily apply to the heroes guild. It’s not that we wouldn’t want you, but I’m not sure what the guild has to offer. Especially since you’re part of the town’s counsel.”

The last point made Theo look at the man with a hint of respect.

“You know about that?”

“All local adventurer guilds only function with the approval of the council. To be honest, when I saw you, I thought you were here to increase our license fee. It’s not like there has been much work lately.”

“Oh…” Theo could empathize. He felt the same each time the tax collector came by, even if it was only to drop off some documents sent from the earl. “No, I’m really here to join. Things have been a bit too calm lately, so I thought I might add some spice to my life.”

Theo felt bad lying in such fashion. Adventure was the exact opposite of what he wanted. Yet, if he didn’t resort to it he’d—

YOU FEEL DEVASTATING HUNGER!

The message popped up back in the dungeon’s core chamber. This was getting annoying.

“Well…” the old man scratched his chin. “I guess there’s no harm in starting your application.” He reached to the back and took a piece of parchment.

Certain sections on it were already filled in black ink. A few lines indicated the sections that had to be filled in. Most were the familiar things such as name, class, and adventurer rank. There was one section, which was a bit more alarming.

“What’s nature?” The avatar pointed at the parchment.

“That—” the old man pulled the parchment back, making sure that it wouldn’t be ruined by someone who didn’t have any idea what he was doing “—is filled in once we do your attunement check, Baron. It’s ensuring that the personalities of party-members are compatible.”

It sounded innocuous, but Theo was more than a bit concerned. Having his avatar checked out could reveal things that he wished to remain hidden—him being a dungeon, for instance.

“Is that necessary?” he asked with a smile. “I’ll be doing solo missions either way. There’s no point in wasting time on something that won’t be needed.”

The old man’s eyes narrowed. As an adventurer, he knew how vital it was to know every guild member’s nature. As an adventurer of a guild strapped for money, he also knew that some exceptions were permissible. The Lionmane Guild hadn’t been doing particularly well in the last century. The recent attack had only made the situation worse. While adventurers from the guild had taken part in the defense of the town, that hadn’t done much for their finances. True, Earl Rosewind had paid to have all buildings restored—all that weren’t repaired by Baron d’Argent, that is—but he hadn’t solved the underlying problem. The truth was that adventuring was a seasonal occupation. Goblins and other monsters appeared in spring, remained active throughout the summer, then stopped being a nuisance. The guild expenses and license fees remained.

“Very well.” The old man scribbled a large question mark in the respective section. “I would suggest going through the attunement check regardless, but after such a generous donation, who am I to judge? Anything else you’d like omitted?”

“Could you put classless under class?” the avatar asked.

“Sure,” the old man scribbled it in, along with Theo’s full name. “Level?”

“Put a twenty.”

This raised the man’s eyebrows, but he did it nonetheless. The ease with which he filled out the piece or parchment, without doing any of the required checks, confirmed Theo’s notion that this wasn’t a guild he wanted to be part of. If he didn’t know better, he’d say that the place was a club for criminals and good-for-nothings.

“Looks good,” the old man said, putting his quill aside. “You’re almost set to go, baron.”

“Finally,” the avatar said beneath his breath.

“Right after your status check.” Reaching into a drawer beneath the counter, the man took out a small green gem. It was barely the size of a pea, rough and jagged. The greenish-cyan glow clearly showed that there was something magical about the item.

Before Theo could protest, the old man grabbed the hand of his avatar and pressed the gen against his palm. A large golden rectangle of light emerged.

BARON THEODOR d’ARGENT - Heroic

Level 19

Strength: 54

Speed: 40

Mind: 75

SKILLS

Ranged Attack - MAX

Aether shield - MAX

Aether shield - ULTRA

Swiftness - MAX

Arcane Identify - MAX

Arcane Identify - ULTRA

Wound Heal - 5

Minor Bless - MAX

Cleave Attack - MAX

Sword Chop – MAX

Tracking - 1

Zap - 1

Long Weapons - MAX

Flight - MAX

ICE MAGIC - MAX

Create Rain - 1

Unlock - 1

Locate Dungeon - 1

Aether Dagger - 2

Entangle - 2

Quickly, Theo pulled his hand back, but it was already too late. Everything about him had already been seen.

“Interesting.” The old man said, picking up the gem from the counter. “I understand why you’d want to hide your nature.”

Throughout the city, doors and windows creaked slightly in unison, then froze up.

“Being a hero could be a burden, especially for a mage.”

That was it? Had the man been swayed by the gold Theo had left? Or maybe there was a different reason? Thinking back, it only said “heroic” on the identify rectangle, not “heroic dungeon.”

“Your skills are all over the place, though. I’ve no idea how you acquired them, but it pays to be a bit more focused in future, baron.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” the avatar grumbled. “Now that that’s done, is the process over? Or is there some other trial I need to perform?”

“We’ll skip that.”

“Oh?” the avatar smirked.

“You defeated waves of goblins during the defense of the city, which is at the very least hundreds of times more difficult than any guild trial. Besides, in your current position, you can just give a letter of reference to yourself, being part of the council and all.”

Some things never changed. Even in this life, Theo could see that connections went a long way. Now he understood how Duke Godon’s daughter had managed to become an adventurer. A simple letter to a chosen adventurer guild and the unfortunate guild master was left with no choice but to accept her.

With the bored calm of someone who had seen everything the world had to offer, the old man took a triple silver ring, then shoved the gem onto the bezel. The glow changed color to amber, then slowly faded away until it was nothing more than a common chunk of quartz.

“Here you go,” the old man said. “This marks you as a third-class adventurer. The guild and all your information is within the stone, so don’t lose it. You’ll have to pay to have another one made.”

I already paid for this one as well, Theo thought as he took the ring. It was stylish in its simplicity and rather small. Most adventurers probably held it on a chain round their neck or in a pouch. The dungeon, though, decided to wear it openly, placing it on the left pinky finger of his avatar.

“Welcome to the Lionmane Guild.” The old man extended his hand. “I’m Karlton Gerard, guild master.”

“You’re the guild master?!” Theo asked in shock.

“You think I’m too old?”

“No, it’s just… why are you dealing with adventurer registration? Don’t you have people to do that for you?”

“Hah,” the man let out a sad chuckle. “My nephew’s supposed to do that, but he’s busy drinking and wasting his time around town. Sometimes I think that the idea of duty and responsibility is lost on the new generation.”

“I know exactly how you feel.” The avatar nodded. He had the same problem with Cmyk.

“With membership being low and money being tight, there’s no one outside the family I could pay to do this for me. I have to deal with all the administration, cleaning, cooking, and repairs when I find the time. Thanks to your generous donation, I’ll finally be able to hire someone to fix up the building. It’s a real mess.”

“Yeah…”

For some reason, Theo felt guilty not having done it himself. However, a brief moment of guilt wasn’t enough to get over the aversion he felt towards adventurers. Dungeons universally did everything in their power to keep adventurers out of them. There was no way he’d make an adventurer’s guild part of himself.

“So, now that I’m a guild member, I’d like to see all the jobs you have.” He looked around. “Where’s the notice board?”

“Does this look like one of the fancy guilds in the big cities? If I could afford to buy all that paper needed to maintain a notice board, I wouldn’t be doing this myself.”

The man bent down, reaching for something beneath the counter, then emerged again with a large tome. Just like the guild itself, it had been quite luxurious at some point, but aged with time. Opening it at the bookmark, the guild master flipped a few pages and started reading.

“Let’s see what we have… There are a few farms that have dog issues.”

“Dog issues?”

“Troll dogs,” Karlton clarified. “They are a nuisance this time of year. With a lot of animals migrating south, troll dogs start attacking farms. Usually, the farmers could deal with them, but now and again they manage to snatch a cow or two. Fancy having a go?”

The avatar shook its head.

“Thought so.” The guild master flipped the page. “There are a few goblin sightings, but after what Rosewind has been through, I doubt anyone would want to waste time with that.”

“Put that as a maybe,” the avatar said. Goblins wasn’t his first choice, but it was better than nothing.

“Well, that’s what you got.” The man closed the book.

“Wait. That’s it?”

“We’re a small guild in the middle of nowhere. Now do you understand why money is so difficult to come by? With the griffin nest you summoned, things are only going to get worse. No offense.”

“But why?”

“There never were powerful creatures in the area to begin with. The few that existed were killed off by the initial adventurers that created the guild. The minor monsters are too weak and cowardly to stand against griffins. Not that I have anything against them. Magnificent creatures. My nephew has practically adopted one. Feeds it every morning. Between you and me, I also toss it some leftovers when I can.”

“There are no threats in the entire region?” Theo couldn’t believe the irony. Through luck he had found a place that was calm as could be and now that was preventing him from enjoying the quiet he so much longed for. “What about the surrounding ones? The earl sent me on a quest to deal with some thieves a while back. Isn’t there anything similar?”

“Those are tasks, kingdom jobs. Sure, there are a few in the area, but they are a tad more difficult than adventurers could handle.”

“More difficult than surviving an evil overlord invasion?” The avatar crossed its arms.

“It’s your life.” The guild master shrugged, then opened the tome to the very back, where a series of separate pages were stacked in. “There was a swamp monster that was terrorizing the region, but I heard it was dealt with last month. Apparently, some hero returned to the scene after being gone for thirty years.”

“Drat!”

“There’s a cursed estate inhabited by bloodthirsty phantoms. The current owners have been trying to get rid of the buildings for generations. A hero attempt failed. The hero managed to survive, but failed in getting rid of the curse, or the being that caused it.”

“Next.” Theo had no intention of dealing with anything that heroes couldn’t deal with.

“A call for a mage tower attack. This one is relatively new. Usually when two mage towers fight, each tries to hire as many mercenaries and adventurers as possible to defeat the other. Might be interesting, but I’d suggest against it. Things always get messy when magic is involved, especially if you’re a mage.”

Point taken. “Anything else?”

“There’s some brigand leader causing trouble in a neighboring region, but details are scarce.”

So, this was what it came down to: hunting goblins, a haunted estate, or some brigand. As tempting as it was to deal with the curse, Theo didn’t want to catch any other affliction. He could, of course, deal with the goblins, though there was no way they’d provide anything more than the slimes in his corridors. Thus, the options were two: wait or check out the brigand.

“When you say scarce, what does that mean?”

“Extremely powerful and in the possession of magical items of unspecified power,” the guild master read out. “It’s the same as saying that he’s a big guy with magic.”

“Anything about his gang?”

“It exists.”

Faced with the prospect of doing nothing or going on a wild goose chase, Theo decided to try for the wild goose chase. Even if it turned out to be a colossal waste of time, there was a significant chance that he might find something interesting in the region.

“This ring,” the avatar said, looking at it. “Does it allow me to take jobs from anywhere?”

“Pretty much. You’ll have to pay an additional fee in other guilds. Of course, they don’t have to show you any of the good jobs. Most often people will take you as filler or cannon fodder, but hey, you know best.”

Normally, that would be a cause for concern. Being a dungeon avatar, though, Theo saw no downsides. Between that and an elusive brigand leader with magic items, it seemed he might actually find a way to deal with his hunger.

“I’ll deal with the brigand,” the avatar said firmly. “What do I have to do?”

“Get equipped, for one thing.”

The avatar narrowed his eyes. He was well versed in sarcasm and had developed several methods of dealing with it. In this case, still silence was seen as the best approach.

“If you really want the task, you’ll have to ask the earl,” the man said after several seconds. “Shouldn’t be difficult for you.”

“Why? What’s he got to do with it?”

“It’s a noble quest, so you’ll have to petition for our guild to take it on. Do that, and I’ll let you be the party leader for the quest.”

“And there’s no way around it?”

“Nope. Not unless I want to lose my license.”

Great, Theo said to himself. Everything in this town seemed to go through Earl Rosewind. This time, though, he wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of being tricked in a useless quest. Oh, no! this time, the dungeon was going to do things its way!