The Impeccable Adventure of the Reluctant Dungeon

The first day was filled with calm panic. Theo had no idea what devastating hunger meant, but he was certain he didn’t like it. For hours, he contemplated his life’s choices, namely his decision to consume the gem and increase his size, despite having no practical need for it. When it came down to things, the dungeon continued to devote most of its attention to the small building in which he had arrived in Rosewind. That was where his avatar lived, as well as his skeletal minion and his spirit guide. And yet, something had urged him to keep on growing. Maybe there was something wrong with him?

A long period of source searching began, as Theo expected the effects of the “devastating hunger” to manifest. Images of him consuming every person in town flashed through his mind. It was a terrifying thought, though at the same time the dungeon was slightly curious how humans would taste. Back in his previous life, the joke was that everything tasted like chicken. Here, it was aether that determined taste, which made food rations utterly tasteless and unnecessary.

“I’m sure that it’s alright, sir.” Spok attempted to reassure him for the tenth time.

“Have you heard of such an affliction?” Theo snapped while his avatar remained in bed, covering himself in a large blanket.

“No, sir, it is something new for me. Though in all honesty, dungeons aren’t affected by too many things.”

“So, dungeons never get ill?”

“Well, I wouldn’t say that exactly. It does occasionally happen. Consuming too many demonic cores has shown dungeons to acquire marginally cursed tendencies.”

“I’ve consumed a lot of demon cores…” The doors of the building creaked in dread. So far Theo had consumed two demon lord heart cores, not to mention all the goblin, troll, and demon cores that his avatar had used to reach his current level. At the time, the dungeon had complained that he couldn’t consume cores fast enough. Now he was paying the price for his gluttony.

“You have also consumed the energy of a legendary hero and a divine temple,” Spok said with the slightest hint of annoyance creeping into her voice. “You have a surprisingly balanced diet, sir. Many would say you’re the epitome of health. Some would even call you fitness obsessed.”

“Huh?” Windows opened and closed in a blink. “How’d you figure that?”

“Mostly due to the extraordinary amount of core points that you acquired early on, you had the energy to reform yourself several times. That’s a rare occurrence as far as dungeons are concerned. Most grow in the direction of the area’s natural resources, creating abysmally terrible structures. Not to speak ill of others, but there have been dungeons over a mile long and only ten feet in width. Others twist and turn like a corkscrew. You could see how that might cause issues.”

The thought made Theo wince. When Spok put it that way, he was extremely thankful for having acquired his core points early on. Being a mess and not having the core points and energy to do anything about it was terrifying, especially considering his early mess ups. If he had known what he was doing the first time around, the dungeon would have been about a fifth larger, by his own estimates.

“And while the slimes could be considered annoying, you’re far from suffering from minion congestion.”

“Minion congestion?” Theo repeated. “That’s a thing?”

“Very much so, sir. In fact, it’s the leading ailment that plagues dungeons. Having scores of minions roam about causes all sorts of issues, especially when different minions do different things. As you’ve experienced with Cmyk, minions have a certain degree of autonomy. Constantly giving orders to every single one of them is usually impossible, so dungeons rely that the minions would do a good job on their own and only interfere when things go terribly wrong. Imagine what would happen if there were dozens of types of minions walking around narrow corridors?”

“Ouch.”

“And don’t get me started about the complications arising from digger minions mixing with worker minions, or even worse with guard minions. Often the result is hybrid minions that are shunned by all and accepted by none. You have no idea how fortunate you are to never know such problems.”

“I’m starting to agree with you.” Theo had found having a single minion annoying. Having to deal with hundreds or even thousands would have been a real nightmare. “What about…”

The dungeon’s words trailed off. Having never experienced such afflictions, he had a dark, morbid curiosity on the topic. At the same time, he didn’t want to find out that he was suffering from something far worse. An internal battle took place, ending in a resounding victory for curiosity.

“Alright, anything else I should know?”

“Decay is another issue, mostly for waning dungeons.”

“Decay?” The town trembled.

“It’s not nearly as serious as it sounds, sir, especially according to those afflicted. Decay is the result of dungeons living beyond their means. As I mentioned before, sometimes that isn’t due to choice. Having created a rigid structure while growing up, it’s not always possible to transform sections into energy. An alternative is to reduce the amount of energy, resulting in certain sections becoming run down. A few cracks, some roots here and there. It’s not a pretty sight, but in most cases, not particularly harmful either.”

That wasn’t a problem that Theo had to deal with, either. He had too much OCD to let himself fall into ruin. If anything, he spent ludicrous amounts of energy on the walls and inhabited portions of himself. That was the annoying thing about people: they had this annoying desire to mess up things. Children and teenagers were the worst of all, drawing on walls or carving hearts in a sign of devotion. And one could not forget their obsession with rearranging everything at least several times per month.

“Anything else?” he asked.

“There are psychological issues,” the spirit guide said cautiously. “Hoarding, vanity, growth obsession…”

“Growth obsession?” The building shook again. “That’s what I have!”

“No, sir. Growth obsession is a condition in which a dungeon expands regardless of current energy and core point reserves. Nearly always, it’s accompanied by decay since the dungeon’s obsession is stronger than the need of maintaining what it already has. While you have questionable taste, you are not suffering from growth obsession, at least not in the way you think you are.”

“In that case, what is it? You saw the message black on white! Devastating hunger!”

“Do you feel devastating hunger, sir?”

“Well, I…” Theo thought for a moment. Other than paying for the resources he had previously ordered, he hadn’t done anything new since seeing the message. If this had been any other day, he’d probably be snoozing, thinking of ways to make the people of Rosewind less annoying and the griffins cleaner. “Not at the moment.”

“If you want my advice, don’t think about it. Just spend a few weeks sleeping, or go out with your avatar and admire the town. As vain as it sounds, it might do you some good admiring yourself.”

It was difficult to say whether she was being serious or sarcastic. Normally, a spirit guide wouldn’t be able to set foot outside the dungeon it was assigned to. The rule was firm, with no exceptions. However, with Spok being delegated to maintain Theo’s “estate” after Lord Mandrake’s attempt to raze Rosewind, she had made it a point to create a lot of cobbled streets with large pavements. The reason for this extravagance was so that she could walk freely throughout the streets at will. It made her feel part of the town, something she thoroughly enjoyed.

“Now that we’re done with that, there are a few matters that require your attention,” Spok changed the topic. “Lady Aleria has let us know that she’ll be dropping by next month.”

“Great…” Theo grumbled. The lady in question was the daughter of a powerful neighboring duke. During Lord Mandrake’s attack, the dungeon had apparently saved her from certain death. The truth was that he had manipulated things so as to keep her in his main building in case the Earl decided to make a deal with the invaders and sell out Theo. Thankfully, that hadn’t occurred, though it had created the belief that Baron d’Argent had purposefully put himself at risk to protect the noblewoman.

“She’s requested to stay in your mansion.”

“Of course she has,” the dungeon grumbled.

“She claims that she’d feel safer here, given what happened during her last visit.”

“Naturally.”

It appeared that the spirit guide had taken the approach of making Theo’s present so cumbersome that he wouldn’t have the energy to worry about the future.

“Anything else?”

“No, sir, not for the moment.” It was the last part of the sentence that Theo was worried about. Knowing his spirit guide, that meant that there was in fact something, but she preferred to let him know at a later time.

With a grumble, the dungeon’s avatar tossed off the blanket and stood up. Normally, Theo would just use a quick spell to get him dressed, but since there was time to waste, he went through all the clothes in the room, carefully examining each before choosing the appropriate set to wear. With autumn nearing, it was a sound decision to go with something warm and elegant: a deep green vest on an aristocratic white shirt, and a beige wool coat, matching the material of the trousers. A pair of elegant but sturdy leather shoes completed the outfit, very much in tone with the rest of his attire. Spok had insisted on wearing boots as most nobles in town did, but after seeing how easy it was to get boots ruined in combat, Theo had opted for something simple and easier to put on.

A chilly breeze swept through the town. Even with winter months away, it was obvious that people were preparing in earnest. For the most part, that involved gathering the harvest or constructing tools and devices to do so. So far, everything seemed to be going rather well, not without the generous support of the local earl. Of course, nowhere was it said that the reason Earl Rosewind could afford to be so generous was because his coffers were overflowing with the gold Theo had given him. It had seemed as a good deal: gold for monster cores, though the dungeon would have appreciated some additional support when it came to the local tax collectors. The issue wasn’t the tax, but the paperwork that accompanied it.

“Good morning, Baron!” A bulky man approached the avatar. He was one of the local adventurers who was also friends with Theo’s minion, which automatically made him annoying. “Off to some grand adventure again?”

“No, not at the moment.” Not ever, if Theo had a say in the matter.

“Did Cmyk happen to talk to you?”

The question was as loaded as they came. Whenever someone began in such fashion, it was to ask for one thing: money.

“No, he’s been quite silent lately.”

“Typical Cmyk.” The adventurer laughed. “Well, it’s regarding the Lionmane adventurer’s guild. You’re probably not aware, but we’ve been trying to get Cmyk to join us. In fact, all the guilds are trying to do that.”

“All three?” Theo couldn’t help himself. “Cmyk must be quite popular.”

“You can say that again. Ever since he saved Rosewind, everyone’s been flocking to get his favor.”

“As opposed to before?”

Back when the dungeon had first arrived, before he had created his own avatar, Cmyk had been tasked with the small things, such as buying everything necessary for Theo to maintain his cover. Since gold never was an issue, he had quickly become the local star. People would talk about his generosity, humbleness, and dark past as they enjoyed his coin. Lately, things had gotten even worse with the minion being considered a hero candidate.

I should never have given him flesh, Theo grumbled to himself.

“You won’t believe the lengths people go to,” the adventurer continued indignantly. “One person, without naming names or guilds, bought a whole barrel of wine to bribe him.”

“A whole barrel of wine?”

“I know, right? It wasn’t even good wine. I bet it’s something that his guild was trying to get rid of.”

“Sounds like you still drank it.”

“Of course we did. It’s free wine. It’s the principle that counts. There’s a right and wrong way about things, and that was the wrong way.”

Theo was fortunate that his avatar wasn’t subject to headaches, or he would have had a splitting migraine by now.

“So you want me to tell him to join your guild?” the avatar asked.

“No, of course not.” The adventurer straightened up indignantly. “Not directly. We were just thinking that if you become the sponsor of our guild, that might send a message and—”

“Sure, fine.” The avatar waved his hand, willing to do anything to end the conversation. “Tell Spok to deal with it.” He walked on, ignoring the wave of thanks behind him. Sadly, the way was just beginning.

In the scope of fifteen minutes, he was approached by members of the other two guilds. Several families wanted to have their sons join the town guard, not to mention the measured insults coming from the local nobles.

By noon, Theo utterly regretted ever setting foot outside. Each time he tried to get back to his mansion, someone would ambush him with a new series of requests.

“My lord,” the harsh voice of Captain Ribbons filled the air.

Not him too, Theo groaned on the inside.

“Captain,” he said with a measured smile. “What might I do for you today?”

“The earl has requested your presence,” the head of the town guards said.

This was nothing new. The earl would often call Theo, or rather his avatar, for one thing or another. Most of the time the avatar ended up simply sitting there while a pack of nobles squabbled about something that was of no importance whatsoever. It was no secret that Earl Rosewind wanted to become a duke and for that he was doing the equivalent of odd jobs within the kingdom. Only last month, he had asked Theo to set out and catch a golden stag—a request that the dungeon had vehemently refused.

“I take it this is an urgent matter?” the baron asked.

“Yes, my lord.” The captain nodded. “I have been instructed to escort you directly to—”

“Let’s go then.” The avatar cut him off, heading towards the castle on his own accord. By now, he had gotten used to the earl’s antics, which was sort of sad.

Guards stood to attention as the avatar crossed the drawbridge, entering the inner section of the castle. They had several reasons to do so. On the one hand, the baron had been a designated Protector of Rosewind—an obscure rank that came along with no benefits whatsoever. On the other, he was the employer of “Sir Myk,” the local legend.

Doubling his pace, the baron strode through the inner courtyard into the castle itself, where he went to the throne room. To no surprise, the Earl was already there expecting him. What was surprising, though, was the presence of three other figures: Count Alvare, Baroness Eledrion, and Marquis Dott. Unlike all the other nobles, these ones held real power. It could be said that most of the political power in the town and its surroundings were in the hands of the people in this room.

“Baron,” the baroness greeted him first, as etiquette demanded.

“Baroness.” The avatar bowed politely. “Marquis,” he bowed again. “Count. Earl.”

“Baron,” the marquis responded.

A mutual exchange of titles ensued, continuing for a quarter of a minute, as the doors to the throne room were closed.

“Hello, my good friend,” the earl began in his typical fashion. “So glad that you found the time. I’m aware that you have a lot on your mind, but we thought that it was high time that we welcome you to one of our meetings. I hope you don’t mind.”

“Not at all, my lord.” Theo was fully aware of what this meant. The earl had frequently hinted that he wished the baron to take a more active role in the town’s politics. The dungeon had resisted, of course, but clearly that hadn’t dissuaded the noble.

“Oh, no need to use titles when we’re alone. Consider us as a group of likeminded people.”

“With considerable power and influence,” the marquis added. He was the oldest person of the group and, as such, had difficulty filtering his cynicism. Not that he was wrong. Given that all of them had more land than Theo himself, it was difficult to think any differently.

Two of the members had been absent during Lord Mandrake’s attack. The baroness had been away focusing on her business interests abroad, and Count Alvare had happened to be in the kingdom’s capital. Only the marquis had witnessed how close the town was to falling, though now that the danger was over, he wasn’t in the least bit impressed.

“Yes.” Earl Rosewind cleared his throat. “Quite. In any event, as someone who owns most of the city and has proved to have the qualities to defend Rosewind…”

“And the means to provide financial stability,” the marquis added.

“Is it true that you’re a high-level mage, baron?” the baroness interrupted.

If this had been a casual person asking, Theo wouldn’t have thought much of it. However, given that none of the people were in this room by accident, he decided to be careful with his response.

“Something like that,” he replied.

“And part of a brand new tower,” the woman continued. “I’m glad that you were fortunate in your choice. Most new towers crumble a few years after being established. The established ones don’t wish to relinquish their grip, so unpleasantries are known to happen.”

“Please, my dear. I’m sure that the good baron knows what he’s doing,” the earl said. “One doesn’t reach his level through luck alone. As I’ve already mentioned, I’ve witnessed his abilities first hand and think it’s long overdue that he joins the council. But where are my manners? I think we should continue this conversation in more comfortable surroundings.” He clapped his hands.

The more comfortable surroundings ended up being a small, though highly decorated, room with a marble table in the middle. Six masterfully crafted chairs of oak were around it, each with its own name, it seemed.

All the nobles took their seats. Theo was seated, facing the earl directly.

“We could do with some refreshments, couldn’t we?” The earl rang a small bell.

Everyone but the marquis let out a sigh. None of them appreciated having their time wasted unless it was necessary. In this aspect, they were people after Theo’s heart. He was just about to add his sigh to the chorus when a message appeared back in his main body.

YOU FEEL DEVASTATING HUNGER!

This startled the dungeon, making his avatar jump up from his chair.

“Theo?” the earl asked. “Is everything alright?”

All eyes were on the avatar. Already alarmed by the message and not sure what excuse to come up with, he did what Spok would in such circumstances.

“Magic discharge,” he said with a forced smile. “There must have been some residual magic left in the chair.”

There was a long moment of silence.

“I guess you weren’t lying after all.” The baroness turned to the earl. “The chairs really were made through magical means. I wonder why my grandmother didn’t tell me, given that she was here when they were purchased.”

“The past is always full of mysteries.” Earl Rosewind smiled with a smug expression. “Let’s begin the discussion.”

The topics of discussion were as important as they were boring. Theo caught bits and pieces, but his mind wandered. All the time he was expecting for the message to appear again somewhere. Unfortunately for him, he was right.

An hour into the meeting, during a discussion of potential trade routes that could be created through Rosewind, the message appeared again. Similar to before, the message wasn’t accompanied by anything else.

Spok reassured him that everything was alright, but the message persisted, the intervals between its appearance getting shorter and shorter. Less than fifteen minutes passed since the last time it appeared, then five, then…

YOU NEED TO CONSUME A MONSTER CORE!

FAILING TO DO SO IN ONE HOUR WILL HALVE YOUR CURRENT ENERGY!

“What?” The town trembled for a full second. “And what do you say about that, Spok?” the dungeon shouted in its main building.

On the one hand, he was relieved. Losing half his energy wasn’t such a big deal, especially since he was producing ludicrously large amounts. However, this still presented a considerable inconvenience.

“It seems you’re correct, sir. This is a sort of ailment. Yet, it’s not one I’m familiar with. I would recommend that you inquire at the temple.”

“Ha!”

Having the ability to converse with a goddess was something millions of people throughout the land would be envious of. There was a good reason for that. The local goddess had helped Theo in several tough spots. Asking her was the logical choice. Unfortunately, recent events had caused the goddess to “take a short vacation” in another part of the continent. Thus, Theo was left tending her temple without the ability to contact her. As Peris had said, “don’t call me, I’ll get in touch once I get back.” The chances of her doing so in the next hour were slim to none. It was clear that the dungeon would have to take matters into his own hands.

“Excuse me,” his avatar said, interrupting a “riveting” conversation about roads. “How long does this usually last?”

“Oh, not long usually,” the earl replied. “Except for times of crisis, we only gather a few times for tea. There aren’t that many topics to discuss normally.”

“He means we don’t have the money to do anything,” the marquis explained.

“Yes, quite. Now that we have the opportunity to put our plans into action, it’s worthwhile to decide what plans have a priority over others. I don’t expect it’ll take much longer. Probably three or four hours more. Don’t worry, I’ll have food brought in. We’re not savages, after all.”

Three hours were two too many. In fact, they were three hours too many. Theo had spent half his previous life being in similar meetings to know fully well that his input alone wouldn’t matter.

“I’m deeply honored for the invitation, but I really have some urgent matters to discuss with my steward.”

“More important than this?” The count arched his brow.

“Let’s not forget that, unlike us, Theo actually has a life outside of town,” the earl said in diplomatic fashion. “I’m sure we could hurry things up. We’ve already established the direction. It shouldn’t be more than ten minutes at this point.”

The ten minutes became twenty, then thirty. Each time it seemed like the meeting would end, the earl would raise a new concern. It was like watching a fight against a verbal hydra: for each question answered, two more appeared.

“Earl, I really have to—”

The hunger hit Theo like an avalanche. In a single second, half of his energy vanished, as if something had ripped it out of him in extremely painful fashion. Up to now, he didn’t know that dungeons could experience pain. It wasn’t too serious, more like getting a tooth pulled. In his past life, Theo would hardly have noticed. This life wasn’t the last, though.

“I know, Baron, I know,” the earl sighed. “I will try to hurry things up. Just try to endure a little longer.”

YOU FEEL DEVASTATING HUNGER!

A new message appeared in the dungeon’s main building. Things had just gone from bad to worse.