The Girl Wants to Be M*rdered

I have made many choices while living.
It was surely something unavoidable, or it had the kind of inevitability that I would make the same choices even if I could go back again.
Nevertheless, there was clearly a part of my heart where another version of myself, one that didn’t make those choices, existed.

So then, if the part of me that wanted to make different choices truly exists here, standing on the ground with both feet…
“Was the choice I made back then really the right one?”
Can we really say that we made a choice?

The story I’m about to write now is.
“Ah… ahhh…!”
“No… no…!!”
“I didn’t want this…!”

It is a story built under the somewhat vain name of “if.”
“What if I… what if I had made a different choice?”
It is a tale of assumptions that could be a reality or merely an illusion, a story that exists everywhere.

Once upon a Sia.
It’s a story of when she made a choice different from the original.

*

We pass through big and small crossroads as we live.
Those crossroads could be so obvious that it doesn’t even require a moment’s hesitation to make a decision; you might not even think of it as a crossroads.
Or, it could be something so horrifying and cruel that it brings the person standing before the crossroads to their knees in despair, making them stare vacantly at it.
Yet, there was one commonality among those vastly different and seemingly wrong paths.
“What should I do?”

“……”
No matter how right a choice seems,
No matter how just it appears,
With a tight squeeze, we close our eyes.
At that very moment when we cross the crossroads, we always leave behind small regrets and sorrows on the side we didn’t choose.
Thus, humans may be foolish beings, always living while looking only at the side they did not take, not the path they walk.

“What… should I say to them?”

“…..Alice.”
“Huh? Sia unnie? Please──”
──Answer, for me.

“……..”
With those words, Alice closed her mouth.
It felt like she was about to burst into tears, as her words, shaky and agitated, reached their end.
What remained was only a silence that felt like it was stabbing my heart and the darkness that consumed my mind.
I looked at Alice, hoping she would explain a little more, no, if there were any hardships or pain, I wished she could speak directly to me.

“………”
“………”
But within the shade formed by the wandering clouds in the air, Alice quietly looked up at me, as if urging for a response.
Her tightly shut mouth remained silent.
She was only continuously hoping that my mouth would open.

In those emerald green eyes where the kindness we had always seen resided,
Now, there was a firm will engraved there just as much as that kindness.
I realized that breaking this silence with any mumbling or sugary words was impossible.
The only thing that could break it was one thing.
Me making a choice.
Me answering Alice’s question.

“I─”
Alice said she had grown two flowers.
Like the seeds she just planted in the garden that should have rotted and been discarded, she carefully nurtured them with her own hands.
The child who successfully brought to bloom the two seeds that everyone thought would be abandoned and failed soon wanted to move those flowers outside the greenhouse.

But perhaps it was because of the warm atmosphere in the greenhouse.
Or perhaps it was due to the love given to her until now.
The flowers that had grown with Alice in the greenhouse did not welcome Alice’s decision.

Thus, the opinions of the three set at the opposite poles continued unresolved, and Alice was eventually left to ponder whether to leave the flowers as they were or forcibly send them outside as planned.
And now, that had become the question that came back to me.

It might sound like a routine conversation, or perhaps a question imbued with an imaginative touch unique to a child, but
“……..”
For some reason, it felt like a question filled with heavy meaning to me.
Dark and deep.
Such a heavy question, indeed.

“I…!”
What should I do?
What should I choose?

Those thoughts swirled in my head.

What I was thinking right now might later seem petty, a needless worry.
Like a MacGuffin that only creates anxiety and vanity and soon appears to be nothing at all, I might be overthinking and misunderstanding Alice’s behavior, which was just as it usually was.

Alice’s dark expression just moments ago, her now forced grin in front of me, and the whole uncomfortable nightmare-like situation of this midsummer night could all just be a fleeting moment that would resolve once I simply closed my eyes and opened them again.

“……”
Yes.
Thinking that way might be more comfortable and pleasant.

But.
“──I…..!!”
I didn’t want to regret it.
I didn’t want to leave any regrets with the choice I was about to make right now.
I couldn’t accept the foolish act of kicking the ground in regret, wondering why I had made such choices later on.

The misfortunes of the future are retribution for the moments I had once ignored.
The regrets that will come in the future are also retribution for the choices I had neglected.

So, for me, who rejects retribution and regrets,
There was no choice but to strive to make every choice in life without any carelessness.
I had to, simply had to.

An hour that felt like ten days.
A few seconds that felt like that hour.
I went through the time of decision that felt like bursting my brain and the time of determination that felt like carving out my heart.

“─I think it’s okay to do what the flowers want.”
“…..Ah.”

I thought help should only be given when the one receiving it truly desires it.
Help that is unwanted by the receiver is merely satisfaction for oneself, nothing more nor less.
Thus, even though I knew it was not what Alice initially wanted, I unintentionally let those cruel words slip out.

*

As the nightingale gazed at the faint light of dawn, it was ultimately trapped in a small cage.
Inside, a little bird was slowly dying.
Now, what should that bird do?

“Come on, let’s sing the dawn.”

At the end of the path I believed to be a crossroads, there was only one straight road.
There was no new path to choose anywhere.
Not anywhere.
From the very beginning.

*

Time flowed and flowed, and the day marking the beginning of a new year arrived.
Perhaps it’s a tradition to spend time with family during the most important holiday.
After a long period of contemplation, Anna finally decided to return to the kingdom.

“Huh? Where is Sia unnie? Haven’t you boarded yet?”
“■■, ■ ■■!! ■■ ■■ prepare■! ■ ■■■ is boring■ ■■■! ■■ so ■ late■, ■ ■■ you ■ take■■?”

“──■ ■■■ ■■, ■ the strength you were eating■■ ■ there, this■!! ■■, ugh! My ■… luggage is■!!!”
──■■
That would be with me, Remi, and everyone including Sia and Saelli.

With a slight jolt, my blurry vision shook up and down.
When I asked Remi whether Sia was onboard, she shouted out the window, and upon hearing the loud voice from behind, I (correctly) guessed it must be Sia’s voice that was definitely not present at this moment.

Even though the carriage was big enough for five people, it shook quite a bit, so it was undoubtedly going to be a challenging task to move the luggage… I wonder why no one is going to help.
In the nearly prepared carriage, I buried my head into the arms of Eli and thought so.

─■■■
“Rem■ ■■■! Leave■ ■■ so■■!”
“■■! ■■■!”

A few minutes later.
With Sia’s boarding, the distorted scenery around us began to shift backward.

From the deep forest that we reached by floating down the river, to the village of Saria where we met new relationships, and to Museion where we currently find ourselves.
It was time for our lengthy journey to head to its final destination and first starting point.

“~♬”
“■■■■■, Alice?”
“….Hehe.”

Now, I could hardly distinguish voices, completely losing the function of sound as ears.
What I could do was only look around with my blurry and blurred vision, perceive others, and piece together the fragments of those stories in my head.
With forced laughter at the awkward questions and nonsensical remarks to the words of those walking beside me, I was precariously performing a tightrope act.

So lost and taken away.
Ultimately, on the day my vision also fades away.
“……He.”

I would no longer be able to be called a human.
How far could I truly go?
How long could I endure?

The carriage that started moving.
Inside, heading toward the Tesillia Kingdom.
“……..”
I couldn’t bring myself to smile.

*

Thus, I, the girl named Aris Akaia,
Eventually revealed my completely faded state of vision and hearing to everyone within the warm palace of the returned kingdom,
Showing my grotesque appearance of slowly dying day by day, which seemed impossible to belong to a living person, to the precious ones before me.

And, not being able to keep even my determination to commit as few sins as possible,
In front of everyone, I sadly died with a crying face.

Ah.
“What a sorrowful ending.”

*

NEXT – End:■■■■
“What if she ■■s ■■ ■■?”

I’ll return with an epilogue.