The Girl Wants to Be M*rdered

A brilliant moment arrived in life.
Their dazzling shine was comparable to the stars burning in the universe.
Possessing infinite possibilities, I dared to question whether another such beautiful moment would ever come my way again.
Knowing that my eyes could go blind, I couldn’t help but stare at them, like a moth drawn to a flame.
In the end, even knowing it would burn my body.

They said,
“Tessa, Tessa!! How about this?”
“…What? It turns out you were really looking at a camera!?”

Laughing and playing around with a friend who shares my heart.
“Ugh… so annoying, so tiring… I just want to cling to Alice… baby.”
Sometimes just staring at the sky without a single thought.
Living a life most faithful to reality.

Worries about an uncertain future are meaningless, and regrets about the past only torment oneself; they wouldn’t leave much of an impact on them.
In a narrow and useless world, this moment was the most important.

This doesn’t mean they were satisfied with reality and gave up the future,
Simply, they realized the truth of life: if they remained true to this moment, the future they desired would naturally follow.
They were neither cowardly nor arrogant.
Neither lethargic nor hasty.
Not trapped in the past nor adrift in the future.
Not merely ‘existing’ like me, but truly ‘living’ their reality.

My proud,
Proud—
Pride—
Pride?

“………..Huh?”

Even without a mirror, I could vividly picture what expression I was making without having to touch my lips with my hand.
Hastily bowing my head to block anyone from seeing my face, I struggled to bring my expression back, but my contorted face wouldn’t soften.
No way.
No way it can be!
Will I really let them see me like this?
“……….”
But for some reason, my unnaturally fallen corners of the mouth had no intention of rising.
As if it had frozen like this.

Life is a marathon with no destination.
The direction I move in becomes the ideals I wish for, each step a representation of will, and the footprints left engraved into history in this grand journey.
On that glorious path, merely looking ahead is not enough.
Sometimes, you must look around and appreciate the vast landscape, entering unfamiliar paths to see new sides of the world, and those running with all their might were winners in their own right.

Who dares to say the path they’ve chosen is wrong?
At least for me, who hasn’t even been allowed to stand at the starting line.
For me, who can only watch them from afar.
Such a qualification—

“—I know, I know.”

“Wahh! Aris, Tessa is bullying me—! Punish her!!”
“I-I never did that!?”

Bam, soft impact envelops me.
With an excited expression, my kin, unable to hide their joy and excitement, clings to me, while the flustered librarian, taken aback, approaches as if to use me as a shield.
Typically, I would hop on that vibe and play the clown, making the other person smile, but strangely, I couldn’t act at all.
Right now, this was the best I could do.

“………Heh.”
I became a clown where even smiling wasn’t permitted, only the red paint on my neutral lips was the one thing allowed.
My eyes showed traces of a single tear that lingered like remnants.
Really.
At this rate, I’ll completely look like a Pierrot.

“Why!? We just want to take a picture of our pretty Aris, what’s wrong with spending some money!! Right, Aris?”
“…Mmhm.”
“Oh dear…”

I tried to bury my head in her embrace, accepting her body that was nagging at me as the best option.
Normally, I could sense the warmth of things through my skin, but now, my arms couldn’t feel anything but rubber when touching anything.
No cheeks, no lips, no neck.
Every sensitive area of my body felt nothing.

It was as if everything had emptied out.
Like a horrifying doll that has had all its stuffing removed.

“………”
Surely, the distance between me and them was only a few layers of fabric apart.
Surely, if I held their hands, leaned my head against them, I could feel their warmth right in front of me.
Yet this undeniable emptiness,
This sense of distance feeling so far away.
What could it possibly be?

I couldn’t understand the reason.
No.
“No.”
“Aris? What did you say?”

The truth is, I knew.
I had known all along.

Yeah.
To say I didn’t know would be a lie.
I just wanted to keep watching their happy faces forever.
I wanted to settle for reality and give up the future.
I wished time would stop like this forever.
I wanted to be happy like them, to share in their happiness.

Why can’t I be like them?
That was all I thought.

And that’s why I kept wishing for death throughout my eternal life.
Jealous emotions lingered in my green eyes.
I had merely fallen into hell by my fate.

“—Ah.”
I want to die.

Like a heavy burden invisible to others, clinging to my limbs, holding me back from moving forward.
But it felt like chains from the ceiling were constricting my neck, forcing my body up and preventing it from collapsing.
Such a typical winter morning, if it could be called typical.

“………..”
—Cough.
Grabbing my throat, feeling the discomfort as usual, I began my day by spitting out the thick blood-stained saliva.
The sensation in my throat felt as blocked as ever, showing no signs of improvement, yet I couldn’t waste a single moment, recalling the tasks I needed to do today while changing clothes with the help of the maidens.

Approving the paperwork left from the previous day, writing my thoughts on it, welcoming the visiting dignitaries for lunch, and after that…was it military training?
The supervisor would likely be the secretary.
—Rustle, rustle.
“Today, after the banquet with the Vyaire Knights, —”
“I know, it was Secretary Shusalian’s class.”

A schedule so tight there wasn’t even a gap.
The doctor said it was ruining my body and mind, but I didn’t care.
For me, that act of pushing my body and mind was quite to my liking.
At least when I concentrate on something, no other thoughts arise.

“—In fact…the class was cancelled.”
But the voice that came from beside me sounded like negative news.
As long as my memory was intact, I shouldn’t have heard about any schedule changes, so it should make sense that military training would proceed as planned.
Was there some urgent matter for the secretary, or why exactly could the class not occur? I slowly turned my head to the maiden who had informed me of this unexpected situation.

“…Eek!? Th-That…!”
“……..”
The flow of her blue hair caught my eye.
She was probably from the Javre family.
Giving an overall impression reminiscent of the sea, she shrank back at my gaze, having spoken first.
The hairpin in her hand fell to the ground with a sharp metallic sound.
She looked pitiful.
Seeing her fumble like that left the maidens adjusting my clothing glancing towards me nervously.
With the mood crumbling in an instant, I felt a tightening in my throat.

Really, it’s frustrating.
So frustrating.

“……….”
Suppressing the urge to spit blood again, I quietly waited for her to calm down.
That gaze that felt as if I were looking at a ghost couldn’t be called pleasant, but it was also a burden I had to bear.
I had no intention of blaming her for it.
Not wanting to blame her.

“…I just thought it was unexpected, so take your time and explain the facts again.”
“Uh… I understand…”

I’m not sure how effective that was.
But fortunately, the girl, who had been taking heavy breaths in a panic, soon restored her composure and began to speak to me again.
Was it true that one mistake was enough?
Her attitude was unquestionably different from the earlier state that could be described as disgraceful, confirming she at least had the determination to be a maiden.
Of course, past mistakes wouldn’t be erased.
Just like me.

“After the banquet with the Vyaire Knights in the Mirror Room, His Highness said to bring Princess Anna back to her residence.”
“…What’s the reason?”
This had never happened before.
Since my parents had always prioritized my opinion, the weight of this command felt heavier than anything else.
To change my schedule unilaterally without any prior notice, what were they trying to say?

“What it is…”
“I asked what the reason was.”
As her words began to elongate, I asked again in a cold voice.
Now that the king’s command was given, it was decided without choice that military training would be postponed, but that’s one thing and this is another.
Shouldn’t I be told the reason they wished to summon me so urgently?
A little curiosity about this sudden irregularity began to grow.

Then, her reply was something that completely shattered my expectations.

“—Perhaps, to inquire about the well-being of the Second Princess, who is studying at the Akard Empire…”
“………”
Yeah.
Really, in various ways.
It was beyond my expectations.