The Girl Wants to Be M*rdered

Is this emptiness or futility?
The sensation of everything I believed crumbling down from the bottom.
The ignorance of humans, not even knowing what they know or don’t know.

My two eyes reflected nothing, my two ears heard nothing, and my two hands grasped nothing.

Am I walking now, or am I standing still? If neither, am I lying somewhere waiting for death?
Even that simple inference didn’t go as I wished.

_Thud!_
“Han, Sia.”
The name of the mercenary that is still tormenting me.
I grabbed my throbbing head, recalling the figure of that detestable woman who pushed me this far.

Black hair, black eyes.
Someone who insists on an unusual arrangement of having the surname before the given name.
What’s so great about it, that she walks around wearing a silly grin?

With that woman’s face, which could be described as original in a good way and suspiciously unpleasant in a bad way, flickering through my mind, the headache that seemed to settle down surged back to the surface.
My vision distorted and darkened, and that familiar pain of needles piercing my brain returned.

Now, instead of anguish, irritation surged first.
The deep furrow between my eyebrows represented my feelings.

“I’m sorry to her, but right now… she’s just annoying.”
Honestly, I didn’t like her from the first time I saw her.
It’s not that I judge others purely by appearance or first impressions.
Maybe some people believe in the rumor that “people with certain black body parts are witches who can cast spells,” but that’s their business, not mine.

Her fresh appearance had its unique charm.
And as a member of a mercenary group recognized and managed by the government, her title was quite intriguing too.
Breaking my prejudice that she would be some burly person, she seemed timid and fragile, which made her feel approachable.

To put it bluntly, her first impression was above average, really.
I could feel more affection for her kind of normalcy rather than those who are so perfect they seem unrealistic.
If anything, these interesting backgrounds added to her positives rather than negatives.
So back then, I thought as long as there wouldn’t be any problems, I might build a good relationship with her.

Yeah.
I thought so.

Until I saw her gently caressing the bracelet she wore on her wrist, that is.

_Crunch._
“Really… what an eyesore… Hah… Haha…!”
The rising feeling.
Where is this feeling headed?
From the handle I was gripping, a chilling sound began to seep out amid the tide of emotions that could hardly be described as pleasant.
If what I had been holding wasn’t a handle but someone’s arm, something truly bad would have happened.
The handle broke with a scream, and wooden splinters pierced my skin, but rather, the pain helped tame the headache torturing my mind, allowing me to barely stay upright.

Slowly, with staggering steps, dripping bright red blood,
I began a walk without a destination.
Just aimlessly wandering, stepping wherever my feet took me.

Within the vast academy grounds, I didn’t worry about becoming lost.
I thought that wasn’t a bad thing at all.

Well, fine.
At first, I thought it was a small coincidence.
A truly frustrating coincidence specially prepared by the world to torment me.
The intertwined paths, the silver flowers my sister particularly loved blooming brightly, and the ends tied with a turquoise ribbon resembling Aris’s eyes were all of it.

All just coincidences.
How many people are there in this world who make bracelets?
There must be thousands, if not more.
Just because it resembles something could drop my heart but I wasn’t weak enough to lose my composure and rush at her.

However, what tortured me more than anything else was somewhere else.

While she caressed a bracelet made of blossoms that wouldn’t wilt, her clear eyes, containing not an ounce of darkness, were drawing someone who wasn’t here.
While I carried the remnants of a flower crown long withered and unrecognizable in my pocket, recalling someone I would never see again from the past.

So similar yet so different.
I couldn’t even dare to guess where the gap had begun, an unbridgeable distance.
Every time I thought of the image of Han Sia, gathering her spirits through that bracelet during difficult or embarrassing times, I fell into unexplainable anger and self-loathing.

Why are you wearing such a happy expression?
I am crying this much.
What are you seeing in the air?
I have nothing left now.

Out of nowhere, I became angry.
She was just a normal classmate with no relation to me, and whatever she did had nothing to do with me.
Whether she lived well or not, it carried no impact on my life whatsoever.

Yet oddly enough, every time she looked at her wrist with a happy face, my mood sank.
I began to be irritated by trivial matters I would have ordinarily overlooked, and my heart, which felt like it had a hole, could never calm down.

Listening to the gentle music recommended by Tessa while reading a book,
Even if I exhausted myself at the training ground to the point of not even having the leisure to think of something,
Whenever the sight of her flickered in front of my eyes, my heart grew darker and darker.

‘Uh… Our Wallenstein mercenary group employs infantry who primarily use spears and pikes…’
‘…Does Hahn use a sword?’
‘Ah, um… I have a special circumstance… I’ve personally received permission to use a sword… um… yes… that’s right.’

Then one day.
The teacher, as usual, called on Han Sia to share her vivid experiences, capturing the attention of the students in the classroom.
To listen, I was sitting at my desk.

‘…..’
Thud, the pen in my hand dropped to the floor.
The cumulative fatigue had far exceeded its limits, and my body should have crumbled already to function normally in class.
My trembling eyes and unresponsive hands clearly showcased my condition.
I was in such a serious state that I couldn’t even hear what Han Sia, sitting right next to me, was saying.
The letters written on the board, which I had previously read well, appeared distorted, indistinguishable.
Normally, I would have dared to leave the classroom, but I didn’t.
For some reason, I was fixated on her, who was conducting class, gazing at the students beside me.

Rustle, rustle, the petals swaying with the breeze caught my eye.
Surprisingly sensitive, my nose picked up the subtle scent in the air.
As if entranced, I gazed only at the bracelet coiled around her wrist.

Love contained there.
Affection contained there.
At that moment, I surely spoke in a voice no one else could hear.

_“I want that bracelet.”_

Unprovoked anger welled up.
Suffering that suddenly appeared and devoured me.
Irrational feelings toward someone else, who had no connection to me whatsoever.

The name of that feeling is jealousy.

“—No.”

I can’t accept it.
I must not accept it.

“….Ah.”
My continued steps finally came to a halt at one location.
It wasn’t because there was a barrier blocking my path.
Nor was it because I lacked the strength to carry on or out of fear of becoming lost.
Before me was a welcoming door flung wide open, my breath still intact, and if I were pathetic enough to be anxious, I would have already ended my own life.
After all, I’ve been wandering, having lost everything for the past two years.

Yet the reason I couldn’t move forward and stood there was that the world felt so cruel.
Indeed, it was too much.

Whir
“…..Ha…. Haha…”
The summer’s end announced by the refreshing summer rain poured down, the muggy breeze vanished,
and now, a somewhat chilly breeze began to blow, yet the air before me still held onto the lingering heat of summer.
In the transparent house where you could see inside, green life was flourishing.
The place I arrived at was a spot in Museion, where I had never set foot in for nearly two years since Aris disappeared.
The destination of the long journey was a beautiful greenhouse where flowers blossomed vibrantly.

Thud.
The first sound heard was something hitting the ground.
Simultaneously, the surrounding scenery began to spin backwards, and the grass that had clearly grown from the floor now blocked my view.
The grass couldn’t have suddenly grown, so my perspective must have lowered.

Ah.
I see.
I’ve fallen.

“….Truly the worst.”
My vision faded to black.