The Gate of Shadows

Melody had backed my beloved wolf into a corner.

"Enough... Fenris’s doing his best. He’s always doing his best!" I spoke up, fighting the knots my voice had become.

“Lily…” My wolf trailed off, narrowing his eyes before grabbing me by my shoulders and pressing his forehead against mine.

I had never seen him so troubled before like he wanted to say so many things to me but couldn’t. Instead of putting it into words, he tugged me to meet with his lips, leaving everyone in the room speechless. Liam already knew about us, but Melody didn’t.

I would never dare tell anyone about what we did behind these closed doors. Before I knew it, Fenris's tongue glazed over my bottom lip, causing me to welcome him in, unable to resist him. With a gentle smirk, he pushed his smooth muscle into my mouth before caressing mine.

His tender kiss left me feeling hazed. I gripped his shirt with my fists for support when he separated from me to allow me to breathe. Licking his lower lip, he glanced at Melody, who was wide open, cheeks redder than a tomato after witnessing our tender moment.

"I’ll keep reminding her  of reasons to live for as often as I need to." Fenris tugged my head onto his chest.

His heartbeat was so loud that I could feel it against my cheeks, pounding just like mine. Melody stared at us, stunned by what the wolf had done. I had never told her we had a physical relationship, but from how he toned it…

Is it an emotional one, too? Are my feelings not alone? Did I hear you correctly before?

But he was…

No, you aren’t meant to be mine. Layla… can I beat her? Can you be mine?

"Y-you b-better!" Melody squealed, running out of the room, followed by Liam.

Once the door closed and everyone was out, we were alone again. Fenris pushed me down onto the bed, growling under his breath. However, instead of yelling or scolding me, he hauled me into his arms. Once there, he held me quietly for a few minutes, allowing me to bask in his warmth.

"You... told her." My wolf sighed.

I nodded, leaning closer into his warmth.

"Why?" he questioned, shaking his head.

A kindred spirit...

Though, what bothered this wolf probably was how I hadn’t told him my side. My heart was becoming a storm that I didn’t know what to do with. All that was clear to me was that I didn’t want to burden Fenris anymore.

I want to be your equal. Is that possible?

"I didn’t want to lie to her," I replied honestly, closing my eyes and trying to steady my heart.

Are you going to yell at me?

"Do you know how wrong that could’ve gone?" My wolf held me closer.

"Yes... I know." I mumbled into his chest.

He sighed. "Heh... What’s done can't be changed, I guess. That girl... is something special, though." A soft chuckle left him, triggering me to hum before snuggling onto him more.

"Yes, she is." I simpered, still feeling stuffy from all the crying.

We both stayed silent for a moment, enjoying each other’s warmth. Though, it wasn’t long until…

"Do you still want to die, Lily?" Fenris whispered, voice cracking.

Will you cry for me if I do?

That would be the last thing I would ever want to happen.

"I do. Or I did... I don’t know anymore," I replied, snuggling myself more, trying not to gaze at him.

This time, though, he wouldn’t let it go.

"Why?" he asked, grabbing my chin and pulling me to face him.

His eyes were painful to look at, alerting me that wasn’t the answer he wanted to hear from me, while that wasn’t the expression I wanted him to have.

"I don’t deserve to live," I confessed, touching his cheek with my fingertips.

His warmth tingled into them.

"Lily..." Fenris muttered, narrowing his eyes, not enjoying my choice of words.

"I hurt so many people. I’m nothing but a..." I mumbled, not wanting to finish.

I had decided not to tell him what I felt. It slipped with Melody, but I wouldn’t burden him further, yet my desire to be more than just his charge grew.

Can I be something more? Will this world allow me to be with you?

"You are...?" Fenris tried to coax it out of me.

Shade hopped between us, squeezing her way towards me before laying among us.

"Nothing..." I answered, tugging away from his cheek.

"Lilith," Fenris growled.

"Why did you kiss me in front of them? I-I thought... No one could know." I asked for him to sigh.

Shaking his head, he took the bait.

"Well, you already kissed me in front of Layla." Fenris pointed out, causing me to stutter a bit because of it.

I pushed myself away, narrowing my eyes.

"M-Melody d-didn’t see you r-return the k-kiss." I stuttered, only to realize he had never returned the kiss in front of Layla.

It was so short.

"Actually... you never returned the kiss," I whispered, feeling hollow thinking about it.

It was like a hole opened in my chest, draining all other emotions within it.

"I..." Fenris trailed off.

His lack of words left me feeling hollow.

After the red moon…

"I’m sorry. She’s your future wife, and I should’ve respected that." I tried to hold myself together, holding onto my chest.

Before I knew it, his lips clashed with mine, and I instinctively allowed his tongue to play with mine. Caging me under him, he drowned me in a flurry of kisses before separating himself to allow me to breathe.

His eyes shimmered, giving off a light hue.

"I don’t want you to ever apologize to anyone, not Layla, Kira, Ryker, or me." He growled.

"Fenris..." I murmured his name, reaching for his cheek.

Before I could meet with it, he kissed me again, gentler this time. Sitting me up, I was between his legs as he intertwined his hands with mine. Tugging away from my lips, his amber eyes met with mine.

"Lilith, you’re a part of me. If you die... I would lose that part of myself with you. I would lose..." Fenris stopped himself before finishing by biting his lip, shifting his gaze away from me.

Even though I wanted him to finish that sentence, I didn’t push him further.

"Don’t worry, I can’t die," I assured him.

His glance shot back onto me in a second, huffing before shaking his head.

"You can be so dense sometimes. I don’t want you to live just because you can’t die, Lily." He sighed again.

Perhaps I knew what he wanted to convey, yet I wanted him to say it, too. That was the only way I would know it was real, not some fantasy I made up.

"I know," I whispered, for him to huff.

"I don’t think you do. I can’t say it straight yet, but... Arg… How can I make you understand?" He grumbled, rolling his eyes.

I giggled. "Maybe I know.”

My words caused Fenris to growl, “No, you don’t!”

Remembering Melody's words, I needed to surpass this.

Perhaps... I can be like her.

I had to be bold and let nothing stop me this time. My denial of believing Fenris could genuinely love me was something I probably couldn’t beat unless he hammered it into me. It was easier to think it was because I was his sense of duty.

Fenris never seemed to mind the scars on my body nor the skeletons in my past. Instead, he cared for me, no matter what. Melody had said he looked at me differently from others, too.

But… in this world, can I be something other than a duty to you? Can you love me freely?

For once, the cage surrounding me blurred when I tried to escape.

"You, Ben, Melody, Liam—all of you confuse me. I could live if I can make a stupid wish first." I faced him straight on.

Like I did with Melody, I could no longer hide my true feelings for him. I wanted to be his equal in every way. He cared for me all these years, but from this point forward, I would care for him too.

A two-way street.

Live, Melody said.

I would try, even if I stumbled the entire way there.

"And what would that be?" Fenris asked, gripping my hands.

I mean... who can stop me from wanting you?

Liam was right; I had suffered enough. Melody was correct; I had to fight for what I wanted. Fenris was also valid in his point; I had to stop saying sorry for everything. Perhaps, for once, the world owed me instead.

Can I believe you aren’t out of my reach, little wolf?

Maybe Ryker was right, and they couldn’t contain me any longer. All that truly held me back were my fears, the heaviest chains that bound me.

Can I be something more than a sacrifice? Yes… I can. Be bold, Lilith.

All I had to do was break free and fly; it was the only way to prevent the horrors of that dream.

Yes… If I never leave your side, no one can take you away from me.

"Become mine." I suddenly declared, triggering Fenris's cheeks to flush red.

I heard you right that day. You called me your love when you held me. I need to believe it! Or else I…

Perhaps what he wanted to say before was that he would lose his heart if I died. Even if these were just dreams or delusions, I had to believe in them to move forward. If I forgot the pain, I could focus on all the good that happened within these past few days.

They all showed I could be accepted and had to push forward without taking a step back.

I know I can be loved!

"I..." Fenris trailed off.

His lack of words would’ve devastated me if his cheeks weren’t rosy or his eyes weren’t full of desire. There was nothing more to hold back on. Melody's outburst made me realize what I truly wanted in this world.

Lily, I’m with you! Show this little wolf who we are! Shade purred, dropping beside us.

Yes… I’ll find a way to protect everyone I care about.

It would all start by tethering myself to the heart of the man I loved the most so that no one else could have him, even if he weren’t mine to have in the end. I would make it so no one could have him as I did.

Taking my chance, I pushed him onto the bed frame behind him, smiling, feeling confident for the first time. The hope that filled my heart was bursting, swelling within me.

"Ever since I saw you at that silly game store. I’ve loved you, Fenris."

It only took me fourteen years, but I told my wolf what I felt all these years. This time, no one could stop me. Even if he already knew, I didn’t care. I wanted to tell him in my voice.

He had to know what it meant to me every time he held me in his arms. From this moment onward, I would try to wish to live, to be with him and those who were dear to me. And... nothing would stop me from trying to break free from my cage.

I’ll fly further than anyone else in this world.