LIGHTNOVELONLINE Chapter 34
“How do you think of me?”
Judas pondered how to respond.
Eliya wasn’t expecting a special answer.
After all, it was predictable.
He would probably say he doesn’t care.
He would probably say, “What does it matter?”
Like many who bow their heads when facing him.
But behind their backs, they talk trash about him being a bastard.
She was just curious to ask.
No one brought up “bastard” in front of Eliya.
Except those who carried the Bevel surname.
It was a sensitive subject, and one that shouldn’t be touched.
Yet Judas spoke out.
A roundabout way of saying he was an illegitimate child.
Eliya knew he had to say something since he had pried it out of her.
What was curious was not Eliya’s statement.
It was Judas’ reaction and expression when he made that statement.
An uncomfortable feeling as if he didn’t want to say it.
Eliya couldn’t decipher what that nonverbal expression indicated.
So, she asked directly.
Judas’ response might be predictable but also somewhat amusing, so it was fine to receive such an answer.
“I have no thoughts.”
He said that.
Of course.
It was a familiar answer. Like a fallen leaf.
But what followed was anything but familiar.
“I believe one’s birth does not define their existence.”
“…”
Birth.
For someone like him, a noble, it was an incredibly arrogant statement.
Moreover, Eliya was a wizard.
She, too, was born with a certain birthright.
Thus, everyone revered her birth.
To hide their disdain for a bastard, they exalted the fact that she was a child of the Bevel family and a wizard’s lineage.
But that too was a birthright.
Still, Judas said.
That birth does not define existence.
No one had ever said such a thing to him.
No one had ever acknowledged that clichéd existential truth as a valid proposition.
Everyone had done the same.
Changed the subject or flattered him while hiding their true feelings.
Maybe, Judas was just saying that.
He was a peculiar child after all.
Perhaps he was trying to flatter her with meaningless words.
Eliya looked into Judas’ eyes.
As if pulled by magnets or gravity, her gaze was drawn in.
Like when the sun and moon embrace each other in a spiral orbit.
It was a gaze that had nothing to do with will.
Eliya didn’t even know what expression she was making.
She looked into his face without realizing her mask had cracked.
Almost as if she was going to drown in his golden eyes.
An unpredictable child.
A being that always bounds outside her calculations.
But sometimes, Judas was as obvious as a piece of burning wood.
For instance, when he had to lie.
He had no talent for fabricating falsehoods, nor could he hide the emotions etched on his face.
No, he had no intention of hiding them.
Whenever he lied, it was painfully obvious.
His eyes darting left and right.
His nose scrunching for no reason.
His lips that couldn’t stay still.
His fidgeting hands.
To put it another way, he was predictable even when he told the truth.
With unwavering, confident eyes.
With resolute lips.
He was transparent to the point of being sincere. He was.
“…….”
Eliya couldn’t find an answer.
It was as if she had lost her language.
Birth doesn’t define existence.
The reason for being a bastard isn’t everything or the root of oneself.
No one had ever collided with him so childishly and honestly.
She didn’t know how to react; the situation felt awkward and difficult.
Not as Eliya de Bevel, but just Eliya. Simply, the person Eliya.
No one had looked at her this way, except her mother.
“Why… why are you like this…”
It was then Eliya realized her bare face had been exposed, and she lowered her head.
Fortunately, Judas turned his gaze away, burdened by her persistent stare.
He hadn’t seen what lay beneath her mask.
For some reason, her face felt hot.
As she raised her eyes, Judas glanced at her face.
She couldn’t match his gaze.
She didn’t know why.
She just thought she shouldn’t look into those eyes right now.
Something felt strange in her chest.
It was both tickling and stinging. It felt as if something was about to burst.
Eliya hurriedly picked up a cat doll to cover her face.
“Don’t look at me…”
“Eh?”
The doll wasn’t enough.
She pulled up a red blanket to cover her face to her eyes.
“Don’t look at me!”
It was a voice and reaction she had never made before.
She was always dignified in front of others.
Because she wasn’t born to be proud, she always acted like that anyway.
But pretending as usual wasn’t working.
She didn’t know why this was happening.
Judas was equally confused.
“Why? Why is this happening?”
That was a reaction she never showed before.
As if a cat had suddenly barked!
Her head was spinning.
In fact, it was a bit cute…
No, either way, she told him not to look, so he lowered his eyes.
“Y-you’re so rude…! You commoner…”
Eliya wanted to swallow her words back.
Goodness.
How could she act like such a childish noble?
She never imagined she would say such things.
Yet for some reason, she felt she needed to lash out to escape the situation.
It was somewhat effective.
Judas sighed inwardly, thinking her personality was quite odd while keeping his head down.
A bit cute but also like this.
By the way, had Eliya ever said something like this?
In front of the two kids who couldn’t look at each other for different reasons, Ria smiled gently.
It wasn’t just a pleasant smile.
It was laced with pity.
She had known Eliya for a long time. A very long time.
So she understood just how hard Eliya tried to act like an adult.
She had worked tirelessly to hide her feelings in front of others.
Because emotions blur rational judgment, and blurred judgment is a weakness in itself.
Moreover, her hiding skills were remarkably proficient.
However, Judas had just drawn out those emotions from Eliya.
As the facade of adulthood crumbled, the bare face was that of an ordinary child.
The face that Eliya wanted to hide.
She felt obligated to be more mature and dignified.
Her one and only weakness had been exposed.
Yet, there was no fear or tension.
This tingling and warm feeling…
“Lady.”
Ria casually handed over a teacup.
It was a portable tea set she brought when going out.
Eliya sipped the lukewarm black tea to calm her racing heart.
During that time, Ria watched Judas.
The boy who lowered his head at Eliya’s sudden command.
He was brave enough to stand up for Eliya even in front of nobles like Balak and Narcissi.
That was a part that Ria couldn’t fill.
Rebellious yet surprisingly obedient in front of Eliya.
Maybe this boy could lead Eliya in some way.
Balak and Narcissi were probably watching closely.
Since Narcissi had gone into exile, she decided to write to Balak.
She would ask him to deal with it as gently as possible.
Given his standards, “gentleness” strays far from common logic, and he would detest Judas, so it was uncertain.
But where had she seen…
“Ahem!”
Eliya cleared her throat.
Calmness returned swiftly.
Just because she had revealed her weakness didn’t mean she could stay like that.
She wore her flawless mask on her face as usual.
Changing the subject felt natural too.
“By the way, are you really not planning to hide it anymore?”
Eliya smiled brightly like always.
That clean smile always conveyed something peculiar to Judas.
“Hm… What do you mean?”
“Are you going to act dumb after discussing existential philosophy?”
Judas stared blankly, his mouth agape as he mulled over what he just heard.
He felt confused.
“Philosophy… what, existentialism…?”
It was a word he didn’t know.
No, he had heard it before.
Both philosophy and existentialism.
He just knew that those words existed in the world.
He was only stating his own thoughts.
That a person isn’t merely defined by their birth.
“…I really have no idea.”
Eliya read Judas’ reaction.
“Not knowing that is quite surprising. You could make such claims without any foundational knowledge.”
“…Thank you.”
“My lady. It’s time for you to start moving. Today’s event was unplanned…”
“Oh, you’re right. Today was fun, Judas.”
Eliya got up from her seat.
Ria immediately tidied up Eliya’s outfit.
“And you passed the test.”
“…Huh?”
“I will talk to Gawain about it.”
“Wait a minute!”
Judas hurriedly tried to stop Eliya as she was about to leave.
“Why… no. I appreciate your kindness, but I must humbly decline.”
Eliya tilted her head slightly, looking puzzled.
“What’s strange about that?”
Her commands were always absolute.
There should be no room for questions or refusals.
Still, Eliya asked Judas for a reason.
“I broke the rules, after all. No matter the reason, I let my personal feelings blind me and violated my duty. For someone like me to pass… it’s…”
Judas looked directly at Eliya.
Golden eyes.
His earnest gaze conveyed his message.
“It’s not right.”
Not right, unjust.
Judas didn’t want to escape his responsibilities.
Eliya saw right through his true feelings.
It was fascinating.
Typically, the more you understand a person, the more mundane they appear.
People aren’t as multilayered or diverse as one might think.
Yet this boy, Judas, was becoming increasingly intriguing and enjoyable the more she learned about him.
Even willing to take a disadvantage to fulfill his responsibilities.
It was even moving.
“Congratulations.”
“Huh?”
“The fact that I’m trying to persuade you. You’re the first to make me want to do that.”
“……”
“Judas.”
“Yes, my lady.”
“What is the most important value a knight should have?”
It’s a lesson taught even at the training center.
“The life of the one they must protect.”
“Correct. And one more thing.”
“One more…?”
“Your master’s honor.”
In noble society, honor and reputation hold equal or greater value than life and are worth more than money.
Eliya, while knowing this, found it tiresome.
“As a knight staying in my mansion, a candidate at the training center… How many would voluntarily step up for my honor? Bastards might laugh at the idea of honor.”
“……”
“But you are different. When my honor was tarnished, you got angry as if it were your own problem, and you fought against them regardless of the regulations or the objective. Could there be a more exemplary model for a knight?”
Judas recalled that early morning.
The usual gossip.
He had indeed gotten angry when Eliya was mentioned.
Was it really that he thought Eliya’s business was his own?
Judas didn’t want to get closer to Eliya.
He felt afraid.
He would likely struggle to avoid or overcome his own tragedies.
But that was merely a possibility.
A low chance indeed.
Yet, part of him felt grateful toward her.
She had recognized and protected him all this time, which he appreciated.
But as long as tragedies existed, getting closer to Eliya was dangerous.
Moreover, he had experienced her violence far too much.
Even if the timing and appearance were different from now.
The countless indirect experiences lingered in his memory as if he had lived through them directly.
Eliya stepped closer to him.
Her face, round like a child, with red eyes.
Judas, found it hard to distinguish between lies and truths as that gaze looked up at him.
“This is not unfair. You, more than anyone, have justly proven your suitability as my escort knight.”
Eliya smiled warmly.
“How about it? Did my persuasion work?”
Judas had to acknowledge it.
Her words were flawless.
There wasn’t a hole in her logic.
“…Yes. It’s an honor.”
“I’ll be counting on you. Until the day you become my escort knight.”
“……”
Judas couldn’t respond.
He simply lowered his head, seeing her off.
*
A cage made of densely woven bars.
Inside was a garden.
That colorless garden was cold, irrespective of the season.
The only distinguishing feature was the varying shades of gray.
There were no trees, no grass, and no flowers.
Once it had been a flourishing garden, but no longer.
Only the name remained.
Sometimes rain would fall, but neither sun nor moon shone on the outside world, leaving it empty.
A cage hanging in the void. Such was life.
A young girl’s inner garden.
The girl was curled up in the center of the garden.
She always had been.
Leaves were piled up around her.
Occasionally, leaves fell from outside the cage.
The girl picked up the leaves each time they fell.
She either pushed them far away or dug small holes in the ground with her tiny hands to bury them.
However, she could throw them outside the cage.
Even if she tried, it was impossible.
It was as if they were bound to that cage and would always return.
So cleaning was not cleaning at all.
The leaves piled upon her heart always remained there. They crumbled dry but never vanished.
Left to decay.
They emitted a foul smell.
The girl curled up her body to avoid the stench.
In her arms, she held the only living leaf.
A black leaf that resembled the color of her and her mother’s hair.
The only comfort in that cage.
Once, she tried to tear and burn it, but couldn’t bring herself to do it.
The reason was…
“…?”
The girl raised her head.
Leaves were falling from outside the cage.
Two leaves flittering helplessly.
She would have to clean them again, leaves that wouldn’t disappear.
In that moment, a point of light descended along the path of the fallen leaves.
A firefly with a bright bottom, unlike ordinary fireflies, shining in a pale ivory color.
Like the moon.
It was the same child who had stopped her from burning the black leaf.
The wondrous, glowing firefly took the two leaves and flew out of the cage.
Eliya stared blankly in the direction the child went.
Would it come back again?
The firefly came back with a warm light leaving a trace behind.
The leaves it had taken were gone outside the cage.
Instead, it came back with seeds.
Dropping them in front of the girl.
As the firefly scattered light, the seeds burrowed into the ground, sprouting green stems and blossoming instantly.
In a flash, they bloomed. In red.
Anemone.
Color began to fill the garden.
The girl gently reached out her hand.
The firefly boldly climbed onto her palm.
It glowed brightly.
The girl.
Eliya smiled joyfully, cradling the firefly in her arms.
With the black leaf, precious.
“Warm.”
As the light enveloped her more, it grew warmer.
Perhaps this firefly might clear all the leaves piling up in this cage.
The child who brought color to the garden.
*
After receiving her passing notice from Eliya, I returned to the training center.
At the entrance, I found Brown and Connor packing their bags.
As they stepped out the main door, they noticed me too.
“Ah… Judas.”
I looked back and forth between their luggage and their faces.
“What’s going on?”
I unintentionally slipped into informal speech but didn’t bother correcting it.
The two exchanged glances and fidgeted.
A reluctant response came.
“We got kicked out…”
“Kicked out?”
“Yeah. It’s because of… the last incident.”
The last incident.
That would be when they insulted Eliya for being a bastard.
I couldn’t help but feel puzzled.
I hadn’t provided a detailed explanation to Gawain about the matter.
I just said we got into a fight.
That wasn’t something that would warrant expulsion from the training center.
In other words, someone who knew about that incident intervened.
“And the only one who knows about that is Eliya…”
It led to the conclusion that Eliya must have expelled them.
So it became more puzzling.
If the Eliya I knew were to expel them, she would have just killed them.
It was an uncharacteristically lenient punishment.
“Thanks to you…”
Connor scratched his bald head awkwardly.
“I heard that it just ended with you getting kicked out.”
But I never said that.
It was true that I didn’t think Brown and Connor deserved to die.
However, that was only according to my standards.
As a third party, not a victim.
Eliya, the one who directly faced the insult of being called a bastard.
Even if she had decided to kill them, I wouldn’t have had any objections.
It wasn’t simply because I knew her personality.
Making value judgments on her decisions as the victim would be ridiculous.
If she had killed them, I might have thought it was too severe, but that was beyond my concern.
Because I wasn’t a party to it.
Yet, she spared them.
They claimed it was because of me.
I pondered over how to interpret this situation for a while.
One word sprang up like a needle.
‘Consideration.’
Eliya considered me.
Compared to her, I was less accustomed to murder.
An act so unlike her, nevertheless materialized into reality.
Then there had to be a reason for Eliya’s behavior.
‘…a reward?’
Surprisingly, Eliya was strict about give and take.
She typically tried not to receive much.
And when she did receive something, she felt obligated to return it according to noble principles.
Of course, there are often significant imbalances between the parties involved.
Nevertheless, if she received something, she would definitely return the favor.
Whether it was good or bad.
For whatever reason, it seemed Eliya recognized that I did not delight in killing.
Thus, she had saved these two as a reward.
I didn’t say a word as I organized my thoughts, leaving Brown and Connor in silence.
Perhaps thinking my silence meant approval, they lowered their heads.
Apologizing shamefully.
“What happened that early morning… I’m sorry. Really.”
Brown apologized in a timid voice.
“Rather, you should be more apologetic to the lady. It’s more appropriate for you to thank her.”
“Uh, uh…! Yes, of course. About that. We… um… we do think so.”
At the mention of Eliya, their faces turned pale.
“The rumors are quite different, huh…”
“Rumors? What rumors?”
“Didn’t you know?”
I pressed the two who hesitated again.
Now that I thought about it, they had brought up “rumors” last dawn as well.
“What are they talking about?”
“Well, you’re someone who shows off but hasn’t even counted; just trying to look impressive and acting strangely.”
“…?”
“Nobody saw you capture Kayle, and there are rumors that Galliot actually let you go for a bribe.”
“And Galliot used that money to live lavishly after leaving the training center.”
The more I listened, the more I felt like my soul was being sucked into the cosmos in sheer absurdity.
A feast of pure nonsense.
“Eliya’s attention is monopolized to the extent that your personality has become strange, and you might be bullied in the same room…”
“So, you’re just pretending to be stronger than you are. In reality, you have no abilities, but you’re trying to hide that…”
Where should I even start addressing this?
I opted to just listen.
“And then…?”
“…What else?”
“Uhm, you’re… that…”
“Just say it without dragging it out.”
“That you’re a secret engagement partner of Lady Eliya…”
“Ah…”
I couldn’t stifle a sigh.
I instinctively pressed my forehead and lowered my head.
It was a terrible headache. Really. I felt dizzy.
“First of all… no… haah…”
I tried to explain, but didn’t know where to start.
‘These fools actually believed that…’
Well, they were kids, so I understood.
They were probably weak to provocative rumors with no basis that sounded a bit appealing.
I understood, but it didn’t change the ridiculousness of it all.
These two seemed to realize the truth behind the rumors once they saw me in the trial and that I sought leniency.
So now there was no need for me to persuade and clarify the misunderstanding.
I decided to ask the most curious and important question.
“Who on earth is spreading such rumors?”
“The thing is, it’s just… from here and there…”
It seemed the rumors had already spread far and wide.
One thing was curious.
In our room, the 13th Room, and even in our district, I hadn’t heard a whisper about those rumors.
“What room are you in?”
“Room 4.”
“Room 18.”
They were in the 1st and 4th quarters.
They were using the same building.
My 3rd quarter shares a building with the 2nd quarter.
Could it be that the rumors hadn’t spread to the 3rd quarter just yet because of the building separation?
Something fishy was brewing.
“By the way…”
Connor suddenly recalled something.
“That Envinil guy mentioned it particularly often.”
Brown quickly agreed.
“Ah, right! They said you were from the same Judeca, and he claimed to know you well, but that your personality is bad and you’re unremarkable.”
Information I didn’t know about Judas surfaced.
Judeca.
I knew that place as well.
The arena where slave gladiators fought.
It wasn’t an illegal arena.
Not always were slaves the only ones fighting.
‘Did Judas come from there…?’
Whether he was from that place…
Or if he had wandered around somewhere before reaching this place via Judeca, I didn’t know.
“Envinil, huh…”
I obviously didn’t know who that Envinil was.
That name didn’t exist in my knowledge of the future.
Brown and Connor gulped with a touch of nervousness.
Their faces hinted at strange anticipation.
As if they wanted me to go find Envinil and wipe him out.
How did they even know?
“What room was he in?”
“Room 5.”
“Okay, thanks. Stay well.”
“Uh, okay…”
I patted their shoulders and walked into the main door.
“Judas!”
Just as I was getting further away, they called out to me from behind.
I hesitated before turning back.
“Sorry… for what happened.”
“We were wrong to think that. Sorry…”
Through their cautious and sincere apology, I simply waved my hand.
“You just needed to know.”
*
Having parted ways with Brown and Connor, I headed straight to the 1st quarter of the accommodations.
One quarter shared one room.
Two quarters shared one building.
However, moving between quarters wasn’t prohibited.
During free time, anyone could go in and out of a different quarter’s building.
Unless something unusual occurred.
“What do you want?”
Just as I was about to step into the 1st quarter, someone blocked my way.
Two individuals crossed their arms and looked down at me disdainfully.
“I’m Judas, event participant from the 13th cohort. I’m here to see Envinil, candidate from Room 5.”
The two scoffed.
“Just because you came to visit, do you think we should be nice and let you through?”
“Getting a bit famous seems to have gone to your head, huh?”
What’s their deal now?
I already felt exhausted.
I just wanted to meet Envinil peacefully.
Of course, depending on Envinil’s reaction, it could become less peaceful.
“I haven’t heard of any rule prohibiting movement between quarters.”
“Wow… a junior trying to lecture a senior on the rules.”
I could roughly guess why they were acting this way.
It seemed the 1st quarter had rampant rumors regarding me.
Coupled with my unfortunate actions, they likely viewed me as an unpleasant presence.
“Rumor has it you’re good at fighting. Are you counting on that?”
Given their demeanor, it was tiring to interact with them.
I wasn’t doing anything wrong, after all.
I tried to ignore them and pass through.
As expected, one of them reached out to me.
“You little bastard!”
He grabbed me by the collar.
He roughly pulled me backwards.
“You’re talking to a senior…”
“This was initiated by you, right?”
If so, this was self-defense from here on out.