The Broken Prince's Love

Lucille was aware that she might have overstepped her boundaries a little bit. But in the end, she hadn't been able to hold back. Cedar certainly hadn't looked at her to get her affirmation, but it had felt like it. So, she had wanted to remind him that she was on his side by saying that he was a good person and that she trusted him. She should have done it in a more subtle way though. Now she was sitting here and stared at Cedar without knowing what to say.

The prince met her gaze, and she could have sworn that he was as taken aback as she was. Then his usual smile came back. “Thank you very much. I feel honored to hear that. You may be the only one that calls me a good person.”

Lucille couldn't help but meet his gaze while her mouth moved on its own. “Then they didn't pay close attention. Because they are wrong if they claim the opposite.” She didn't know from where she took the confidence to say that. Just a second later, she felt the familiar warmth of her face and quickly turned back to look straight ahead. She made eye contact with the empress, who grinned at her as if she knew something no one else had figured out yet.

Theodore watched his wife for a moment before he spoke up. “In any case, I would propose that we begin eating. After all, we do not have to be quiet while we dine. Please feel free to start.” He picked up his utensils, and the first thing he did was pierce a piece of salmon to offer it to Blanche. She happily accepted it, and they were lost in their own world.

Lucille hurried to take her utensils too and began eating. She randomly chose some vegetable and chewed on it before swallowing. It was delicious, as she had expected. But she couldn't focus on it because her gaze kept being drawn to Cedar. She had seen him for long enough, so one should think that she would be satisfied at some point, but that wasn't the case. However, she wasn't necessarily admiring him right now either. She actually just wanted to look into his eyes to confirm whether he was feeling strange now that she had said something that made it seem like she knew him so much better than anyone else. Yet, she forced herself to keep her eyes on her meal to avoid making the situation unpleasant.

A few seconds in silence passed before Theodore spoke up. He addressed some random topics beginning with the happenings in the capital, and the others chimed in.

Lucille was the only one who kept quiet for most of the time, even though she always answered when the others addressed her. She finished her meal rather quickly thanks to that and stared at her plate without knowing what to do. Should she take more or just stop now? She neither wanted to be the only one to move since she feared dropping something, nor did she want to sit here in silence without having anything to do. She ended up swallowing her worries about the first part and carefully took some more of the dishes.

Lucille didn't choose much again, but she got herself a second helping of the sauce with walnuts. She had never enjoyed dishes like that much, but now she had to admit that she liked this one. She had seen that Cedar had eaten some of it too, so it seemed like their taste was similar in that regard.

By coincidence, Cedar met her gaze when she ate more of the sauce and smiled. “It seems like you found your favorite, doesn't it?”

Lucille returned the smile. “Maybe. But everything here tastes excellent. It's almost scary.” She turned her attention away from the prince to eat another bite. She looked at her plate and forced herself to go as slowly as possible to avoid dropping the potato she had picked up. She swallowed that piece before turning back to Cedar. “Do you like it too? The sauce, I mean. You took a lot of it as well.”

Cedar glanced at his plate. “Yes, it seems like it. But I didn't take that much. It just looks big by comparison because you had a very small portion.”

She couldn't deny that. “Well, I wanted to give myself a chance to try everything.” That was a lie. She just didn't want to eat too much. Every bite would risk her messing up after all. “Don't worry. I will get my fill.”

“It would be strange if that wasn't the case.” Cedar gestured to the table. “After all, the chefs of the royal palace are the most skillful ones in all of Artias. You might be used to it by now, but it should still taste as good as before.”

Lucille wanted to respond but cut herself off when she glanced to the side.

Theodore was staring at his brother. He almost seemed like he wanted to say something but waited for the right moment. When it was quiet for a while, he finally had the opportunity. “Cedar. Let me ask something. Those are walnuts in that sauce, right? You picked them for yourself.”

Cedar looked down and scanned his plate again as if he hadn't ever seen it before. “Yes. At least they look like walnuts and taste like them too.” He gazed up again, and his radiant smile almost made it seem like he didn't like this topic. “And as everything else here, it's delicious. You need to express my gratitude to the chefs. I am always thankful to receive such a wonderful dinner. By the way. Did you change the cooks, or are they still the same? I could swear that some dishes taste a bit different.”

Theodore didn't let himself be distracted. His expression was serious when he replied. “During our dinner with the dowager empress, you said that you could eat walnuts without getting an allergic reaction. I wanted to ask more questions back then already, but she was there too, so it was unfavorable. She said that you don't have that allergy. Is that really true? Because I am almost certain that you had the same allergy as me and Father as a child.”

It should be easy to answer that. If Cedar didn't have the allergy, he should just say that he had never had it.

But silence followed.

Lucille wasn't sure what this was about, but she had a feeling that something more grim was connected to it. So, she turned to the prince and watched him.

Cedar was still smiling. He met her gaze for a moment before he looked at his brother. “It's a bit hard to explain. Let's say that I had the allergy, but it's gone now.” He seemed to want to end it with that since he quickly continued eating.

The emperor didn't act like he would let go of this though. His expression had become much more angry than before. “Cedar, don't dance around the issue. What did that despicable woman do? Your allergy didn't disappear because of a finger snap. And she was so proud to talk about how you could do something I couldn't. She did that, didn't she?”

Lucille tensed at that and gazed at Cedar again. His mother had done something about his allergy? How did that make sense? She wanted to know too, so she put down her utensils and waited for the response. She could see that the prince wasn't too happy about this since his smile became much brighter again.

Cedar put aside his knife and fork as well before he spoke in a voice that would have been cheerful if one didn't know that he always acted like this when he was upset. “As I said, it's hard to explain. I'm not a doctor, so I'm not very sure. There seems to be a phenomenon that weakens your allergy if you get used to whatever made you sick before. The more you are exposed to it, the more tolerance you gain. And as a child, I was interested in what walnuts taste like. After a few little incidents-” He wasn't able to finish his explanation.

Theodore already spoke up with so much resentment layered in his voice that a shiver ran down Lucille's spine. “Don't make excuses for her. You definitely didn't want to do it. What you have to say is that that woman forced you to eat something that almost made you suffocate just because of her fragile ego. Because she wanted you to do something Father and I couldn't. No child would ignore such pain just because they are interested in a taste. Admit it.”

Cedar was silent for a little moment before he replied. “You may be right about that. I did not enjoy it very much. But as I said, it was worth it. In the end, I happened to like walnuts, and I can eat them now. So, there's no harm done.”

The emperor clenched his jaw, and his hold on the utensils tightened so much that his fingers became white. “No harm done? Are you joking with me?” He set down his knife with a bit too much force so that it clinked onto the table. “How come no one noticed that? Not even the royal doctor, who is supposed to examine you regularly?” His voice was trembling with anger now.

Lucille normally would have already been cowering upon hearing a man raise his voice. But right now, she was full of a strange emotion she couldn't quite put her finger on. She was under too much tension to even be scared. She stared at Cedar while waiting for a response.

Cedar avoided her gaze and replied as calmly as possible. “How would people have noticed? Mother just made sure to check the schedule before deciding when I would try some dish with walnuts again. I rarely met the doctor in general, and I always had a few days to recover before. Obviously, he wouldn't find anything strange. But the allergic reaction was only bad during the first few times, so it wasn't a big deal. There is no need to interrupt our meal for a conversation now. We can talk later if you desperately want to discuss this unimportant issue. But we don't need to bother Lucille and Her Majesty with this triviality.”

Triviality? It definitely had been a big deal. Judging by the way Theodore, who had the same allergy, reacted to hearing that his brother had eaten walnuts, it seemed like it would be quite painful for Cedar to ignore said allergy. And the dowager empress had given him that just because she wanted Cedar to be immune? Just because he would be ‘stronger’ that way? Someone hurt their own child because of such delusions?

Lucille knew that she shouldn't be surprised about this. She had heard about how cold-hearted the dowager empress was countless times. She should have expected matters like this and even worse things. But now that she heard it from Cedar, who still tried to find excuses to as why he didn't need to be pitied, it was a bit too much. She felt a lump in her throat and took a sip of her tea to get rid of it. That didn't help much, and she ended up feeling even worse than before. She couldn't tear her gaze away from the prince.

Cedar finally turned to her again. He probably didn't like her expression at all since he came up with excuses again. “Those are rather old stories, so there is no reason for you to pay attention to them. You do not need to concern yourself with our family matters. Of course, you are free to do it anyway, but I just don't believe that you have to know about them. The past is the past. We won't bother you with such insignificant things anymore.” He ignored that Theodore hadn't even had the chance to refute that understatement yet.

But Lucille didn't care about giving it to him either. She wanted to speak to Cedar now and voiced her thoughts immediately. “You being hurt isn't an insignificant thing. It's horrible, and you have every right to be upset even now. How old were you then?”

Cedar's smile seemed even more bright than usual. “It wasn't that painful. I am not sure how old I was. Maybe around six. By then, I could eat walnuts without feeling much of it. And a year later, I didn't notice anything anymore.” This only meant that he had started eating them much earlier.

Lucille pressed her lips into a thin line and gritted her teeth. Anger was an emotion she rarely felt with such intensity. She was much too meek to ever scold others for their behavior. But right now, she felt like her blood was freezing. This wasn't burning wrath but more of a bitter hatred. Lucille had barely interacted with the dowager empress, but she hated her. She was sure of that.

She had disliked the other woman from the very beginning, but over time, this had developed into pure resentment. It only got worse with every minute she spent with Cedar.

Lucille stayed quiet for a moment and looked at the prince, who smiled at her. He still put on a strong facade, even though he had suffered so much. This was ridiculous. She felt another emotion rise in her stomach. She knew that he wouldn't like to hear it, but she couldn't help but speak up with a broken voice. “I'm so sorry that you had to go through that.” She wanted to cry after saying that.

Why had Cedar been treated so horribly? He was still suffering because of his damned mother, and some people condemned him for that. It was disgusting, and it was infuriating.

But more than that, it was tragic.

Lucille's heart hurt as she met his gaze while trying to keep herself from thinking about this any more. If she gave in, she would begin crying. It would be better to look away to compose herself, but she couldn't take her eyes off Cedar. She wanted to hug him and tell him that she would protect him in the future. If she was realistic, she knew that she had no way of doing that when she was just a powerless, weak viscount's daughter. If someone protected anyone here, it would be Cedar who would have to help her, and she hated that she wasn't able to return the favor.

She balled her hands and waited for a response, for something that could calm her down. But she could already feel how her composure fell apart.

Cedar was still looking at her, and for once, it seemed like he didn't want to speak. He didn't say anything to her, at least not in the first few seconds. He only replied a moment later. “Why are you apologizing? You weren't the one responsible for that.” His smile remained unwavering, but his voice was quiet so that only she could hear it.

Lucille didn't know what to say. She knew that she hadn't been the one to do it. “But I regret that it happened.” That was all she could bring out before the nauseating mix of anger and resignation overcame her. She quickly looked down at her lap. She didn't want to let anyone see that she got this upset because of a little story, that she was shaking with anger right now. Hopefully, she would be able to act like everything was fine.

For a while, it was just silent. It sounded like no one was eating anymore, but neither of them had something to say either.

Lucille forced herself to keep her head hung low while doing her best not to think about the consequences the dowager empress' horrible actions had to mean for Cedar. She knew that he couldn't have gotten over it. How could any child who had been fed something that was poison to them by their own mother?

A few seconds passed, and it felt like it was silent for an eternity.

Then Blanche carefully picked up the conversation again. “This discussion is definitely not over. We will deal with this matter later. Right now, it would be better to find more lighthearted things to discuss.” After that, she made the first steps to bring up a new topic.

Cedar quickly chimed in while Theodore seemed furious even after a few minutes passed. But even the emperor spoke again after he had calmed down.

Lucille was the only one who didn't seem to be able to move past this. So, she sat there and hoped for her feelings to become less overwhelming. She tried to eat again, but she barely managed to swallow a few bites. When she finished her small plate, she gave up and just let her hands disappear under the table. It only took a short moment after that before she felt a strange movement.

Another hand carefully took hers.

She glanced to the side, but Cedar didn't look at her and continued to eat. Still, he had grabbed her hand with his left one.

Lucille's heart felt like it jumped and spun around one before it settled down again. She didn't know what to do with the bubbling in her stomach, but she knew one thing. She didn't want to let go. She listened to her heart before thinking about it and interlinked their fingers. Was she really holding Cedar's hand right now? That almost felt like a dream.

He had probably seen that she was still distressed. Since he couldn't hug her, he had just given her his hand. It was a small gesture, but to her, it meant the world. She could barely put how much she wanted to thank him into words.

Lucille knew that she shouldn't abuse his kindness, but she couldn't bring herself to let go for the rest of the meal. She had so much she wanted to say but so few chances to do it. So, she stayed quiet and just allowed herself to enjoy feeling Cedar's hand in hers.

When dinner ended, the atmosphere was much lighter than during the middle but still not as calm as it had been in the beginning.

Lucille was torn between thinking that it was alright and wishing to disappear into thin air. But the fact that Cedar was holding her hand was the one thing that made her want to say that she liked a little bit about the dinner.

Even if it was probably just problematic for him. After all, Lucille didn't eat anything anymore, but Cedar had to do everything with one hand. Still, he never asked her to let go.

In the end, they held hands until they all were done. When they said goodbye to the royal couple, the emperor and the empress left first, almost as if they knew.

That allowed Cedar to keep holding Lucille's hand without needing to hide it. He didn't even make her let go when they finally stood up. They didn't say anything but walked up the stairs in silence while their fingers were still interlocked.

By now, Lucille wasn't that nervous anymore. Instead, a warm feeling had spread inside her. She was just happy about being able to stay so close to Cedar. Yet, it felt like he was sacrificing his own interests just to help her again. She would need to make it up to him later.

When they stopped in front of her door, Lucille was almost reluctant to go inside. She would have favored staying with Cedar longer. She knew that she couldn't bother him for another hour, and still, she couldn't bring herself to let go of his hand. For a moment, she stood in front of her door and stared at the handle before looking up at Cedar. “Thank you.” Her voice was weak, but he still heard her.

Cedar gazed down and smiled. “You were sad because of me. This is the least I can do. Are you feeling better now?”

She nodded, even though this wasn't the full truth. She was calm for now, but Cedar's past hadn't changed. Lucille was still upset about his horrible mother. She looked at him for a while before gazing down again. “Cedar.”

He replied immediately. “You don't need to worry. I survived all of that, and others had it worse. At that time, you weren't responsible for me nor had you had any chance of knowing and intervening. You don't have to feel bad. Actually, no one here has to feel bad since I only have advantages because of it now. I don't even know why Theodore got angry.” His voice was bitter even if he tried to hide it.

Lucille probably shouldn't poke at his weak spot, but she couldn't help herself. “He cares about you. I don't know whether he would ever admit it, but he does. And people who care about you will feel horrible if they hear that someone mistreated you. Because knowing that you suffered is painful to us too. That's why I can't keep myself from thinking about it. The fact that it happened can't be changed, but I wish I had been there to do something.”

Cedar squeezed her hand, which made her look up. He ignored the first half of what she had said, but he responded without anger despite her mentioning his brother. “You couldn't have done anything even if you had been there. Only my Father could have. I doubt that he would have cared enough, but Mother made sure that he didn't notice anyway. She wanted to make it seem like I was born without that weakness, as she called it. I'm not even sure whether the servants knew the meals were for me. But that was good. I don't want to know what she would have done if a staff member had dared to criticize her.”

Lucille didn't want to imagine that. Not when Cedar had told her how his mother could be. She did her best to keep her expression from showing how much she hated the dowager empress, but she didn't know whether she succeeded. “Still. That no one was there to interfere is...terrible.” She almost began shaking again when she imagined Cedar as a young boy who was all alone with his abusive mother.

A few seconds passed in silence before Cedar spoke up again. “Do you want me to hug you again?” He didn't sound like he was joking about that.

Lucille slowly lifted her head to meet his gaze and saw nothing but sincerity. If he offered it, he probably didn't dislike it, right? So, she nodded. “Please.” She didn't hold back this time and just extended her arms to hug him while she let her face fall forward so that it leaned against his chest.

Cedar put his arms around her before whispering. “I meant to enter the room first. But by now, the rumors are probably set in stone already, so we might as well do it like this.” He carefully guided her toward her room without letting go. He opened the door and led her inside before closing the door behind them again.

The fact that they were hugging and stumbling into a bedroom together had to look so wrong to others. But when Lucille was in Cedar's warm embrace, she couldn't care less about any rumors that might develop.