The Broken Prince's Love

Lucille could see it even if he tried to hide it.

Cedar hated being vulnerable, and yet, he showed this side to her. It took him a lot of effort. And the fact that he kept smiling the whole time proved that he wasn't comfortable talking about this at all. Cedar couldn't just forget what had happened. He probably blamed himself despite Lucille telling him that it was fine. That much was clear when he didn't ever relax completely despite having sat in his room for hours at a time.

Lucille did her best to distract him with useless small talk, but she wasn't good at that. So, they mostly lay there in silence while she tried to direct his attention to something that wasn't connected to his mother. But that was hard when he was constantly thinking about Camille. And maybe it would be better to talk about this instead of suddenly discussing something random.

At this point in time, hours after the incident, they were lying on the bed while still cuddling. Lucille was resting her head on his chest despite worrying about whether this was unpleasant for him. But since Cedar didn't complain, it seemed to be fine. After another few seconds of silence, Lucille considered it. Maybe it would be good to let Cedar show what was on his mind. She would attempt it at least once. “Cedar. Do you want to tell me what you are thinking about? You're lost in thoughts the whole time.”

Cedar brushed his fingertips over her hair. “What do you think? I...would like to worry about other things, but it's rather hard.” Even if he knew that he had acted out of self-defense, he still hated hurting his mother.

Lucille could imagine that she would feel similarly if she was in his situation. She played around with the blanket a bit and made sure that Cedar was properly tucked in, but even that wouldn't help him much when the biggest problems were the worries looming over them. Lucille scanned her lover's face while slowly bringing a hand toward him.

Cedar caught her hand and interlocked their fingers. He stared at their hands for a moment as they were simply silent. He slowly opened his mouth. “Theoretically, I know that I'm in the right. It's just that...” He closed his eyes. His smile was as blinding as before, but he didn't seem happy. “I can't stop seeing her face in front of my inner eye. How she cries because she is in pain. Because of me. And how she calls for help while I ignore her. That...took a lot of willpower.” Understandably.

Lucille couldn't even fathom how Camille had raised her son, and even she had felt strange while ignoring someone's cries like that. If it had been her own mother, she would have had problems standing still. But, in this case, Lucille didn't feel guilty. “I...can imagine that. But that wasn't because of you, remember? It was because of her. She brought a weapon into the royal palace and attacked someone here. What did she expect? The guards could have treated her much harsher. What if someone had drawn their sword? You kept her from being killed on the spot.” At least she was pretty sure that the guards had been ready to slice off Camille's arm just a few seconds after Cedar had acted. They had looked like it. “So, you actually just kept it from getting much worse. Since she attacked us first, she can't complain either way though.”

Cedar let out a small huff. He kept his eyes closed while stroking his thumb over Lucille's hand. “I know. If I think about this logically while ignoring all feelings, all my actions were correct. But when it comes to this matter...I can't just do that. Seeing her always...made me weak. When she is upset and looks at me, my first reaction is to help her. That's why I tried to keep her at a distance. That I had to see her so often was mainly because of Theodore's stupid plan. I was lucky I didn't give in, or we would have had a problem. And to be honest, I'm surprised I even managed to leave without falling back into her arms.” He slowly opened his eyes to meet his lover's gaze. “Do you know why I managed to hold on?”

Lucille could almost guess what he would say. The way that he looked at her already told her a lot. “Why?”

Cedar took his arm away from her waist and put his free hand on her cheek. He gently brushed his knuckles over the side of her face. His voice was barely a whisper when he replied. “Because of you. You give me strength. It's because of you that I was able to push her away. I only managed to free myself from her grasp because I wanted to protect you more than I wanted to serve her. If I had been alone, I would have caved in after a few days again. But since you were here, I held on.” There was so much affection in his gaze that it was almost painful.

Lucille's heart made her feel strange. She was both happy and worried at the same time. She loved being important to Cedar, but at the same time, she didn't want him to value her more than his own efforts. He had always lived for another person, so he should finally do what made him happy now. “That's not true. At least not fully. I accompanied you, but you did it yourself.”

“No, I didn't.” Cedar was gentle when he stroked over her skin. He showed her a little smile that was so beautiful that it made her breath hitch. “It's because of you. I never truly believed that I could get away nor did I think that there was hope left for me. But then you came and showed me what true affection and kindness look like. I couldn't have made it without that. You guided me forward because you showed me that there was an option. Before I met you, I never questioned whether I could even do something aside from following my mother. And now I see that the world has much more to offer. You are without a doubt the most wonderful thing I found though.”

That almost made Lucille cry. It was an honor to be at Cedar's side while he had moved forward. But she would never claim that she had been the one guiding him. As soon as she had met Cedar, she had seen that he was a strong person. He had saved himself without relying on her help. That was important for him to know. He wasn't dependent on someone else but very much capable of making his own decisions. “You always say that I give you strength. Maybe I helped you a little, which I would be happy about. But the one that had the strength to let go was you. When we met, you had already begun to cut your mother off.”

Cedar gave her a weak smile while slowly shaking his head. “Not exactly. The circumstances back then were much different. I didn't truly plan on betraying her then. I just thought that a few days of a break would be nice. Then I didn't see her for a while and noticed that I wasn't too dependent on her. And then I began spending time with you. You were so different from her, and you still are. You are kind and compassionate. She never cared about anyone more than about herself and her hatred. So, seeing how being with someone like you was made me reconsider whether I would be fine staying with Mother. Then she attacked us. After I saw you getting hit with that arrow...just because you had talked to me a few times, I understood that my mother truly was messed up. I mean, I knew before, but when you collapsed in front of me, it woke me up. And before that, even seeing you being threatened made me change my strategy. I shouldn't have killed Mother's men at all, but they wanted to hurt you...so...”

So, he had made his decision that day.

It had been so long since that incident had happened. And yet, Lucille could clearly remember how she had stumbled after Cedar, with her naked feet hurting from the rough stone below her. It had been eight months since then, and still, the images in front of her inner eye were so vivid. “But then you saved me. I didn't do much but run after you.”

Cedar huffed again. “You threw yourself in front of an arrow to save me. I think you deserve to say that you did a lot.” He directed his gaze onto her hand and carefully held it between his hands while resuming in a quiet voice. “As soon as I noticed that those men weren't following the plan, that they weren't just searching for me without hurting anyone else, I panicked. And when I saved you, I completely disregarded Mother's wishes. That was a huge step for someone who had always been obedient up until a few months before that. Unless one counts the one time I tried to run away for a single day.” He might not have noticed, but his smile got a little wider while he said that. He hated that day more than most other things from his past.

Lucille was silent for a moment before she attempted to give him a chance to speak about it. “What happened then? Did she...hurt you?” It was likely. She had seen how violent Camille could get just now. That woman wouldn't react kindly to thinking that her son wanted to leave.

Cedar's response came not even a second later. “I don't want to talk about that. I went into the city once and just wanted to relax a bit just a few weeks after Theodore's coronation. I came back, and my mother was convinced that I had planned on leaving her behind. So, she was really upset. But that's not important.” His expression made it seem like it was important. Especially since he had spoken so fast, unwillingly indicating that he wanted to move on.

Lucille felt something unpleasant churn in her stomach. She wanted to know what had happened and help Cedar process that, but she doubted that he would tell her. At least at this point in time. She wasn't sure whether she would ever have the chance to discuss this with him later, but she would keep it in mind. “Alright. Then...” She had to find something else to distract him with. There had to be something she could ask without making him upset. Lucille pressed her lips into a line and thought about that for a while. Then she remembered that her lover had mentioned that he had been obedient up until a while before he had met her. That quickly gave her an idea. “When was the first time that you truly thought about disobeying her? You don't have to tell me, but if you want to...” She got quieter with each word.

For a moment, there was silence. She was sure that her lover would reject this offer.

But then Cedar opened his mouth. He was quieter than normal. “That was...the day she ordered me to hurt Blanche. I mean, I had done some things behind Mother's back at that point already. And sometimes, I had also not done exactly what she had asked of me. Like when she refused to walk to the palace because our coach wouldn't pick us up while the prince of Northern Ocrea was here. She told me to carry her there after discussing with me for minutes. I told her that I wouldn't do that and just left alone. But back then, I still tried to explain my idea to her until she liked it. I never really refused her wishes and found more pleasant ways to deal with it. But that... The day I mentioned was the first time I outright told her that she was insane.”

Lucille knew Cedar well now. He barely insulted other people, especially his mother, to their faces and only got harsher when he was really upset. So, he would have never said that to Camille unless he was furious. The dowager empress had truly done something horrible that day, hadn't she?

Lucille brought her other hand to Cedar's hands as well. She allowed him to play with her fingers and carefully asked her question. “What happened?”

Cedar had another chance to change the topic if he didn't want to mention it. He made it seem like he would distract and keep quiet, but then he spoke up. “It was the baby party for Rebecca, my cousin. That day, the old Duke Vasquez was arrested. I'm sure you noticed that.”

Lucille did remember. The former empress had suddenly interrupted that party and announced that the former, now deceased, Duke of Vasquez would be arrested and put on trial for treason. Lucille's father had immediately pulled her out to leave and had told her to stay out of it. A while later, Duke Vasquez had been convicted of countless crimes before being put in prison. “Yes, I remember. The outcry was...impressive. All the guests were curious about what had happened. I think my father went to watch the trial and said something about that man trying something disgusting. But he didn't tell me what it was.”

Cedar's smile was bright once again. He hid his anger this time, but there was also another emotion he needed to conceal. It almost seemed like he was revolted by something. “That's understandable. You were seventeen then. I wouldn't have told you either. It's still not pleasant since the matter itself is disgusting. But I have to explain it, or you won't get what happened. Duke Vasquez, by that I mean the former duke, Claude Vasquez, was extremely power-hungry. He was my uncle, but I never liked how ambitious he was. He was similar to my mother with just one difference. She doesn't care about human lives and their feelings. She wants to hurt those she despises and will do whatever it takes because she thinks it's justified. Claude was as prideful as Mother is, but he was much more sadistic. He didn't justify his deeds by telling himself that he was in the right. He knew that he was the evil one. But if someone hurt his pride, he wanted to make them suffer. Unfortunately, Blanche had messed up and become his enemy. I believe that was because of some stupid fight in the palace. In any case, he hated her after that.”

Lucille remembered that too. Ever since Claude had had a fight with Blanche and offended the emperor, he had been banned from the palace. In the end, that had been his smallest worry after Theodore had ruined him completely. She didn't say anything though.

Cedar continued to narrate his story while beaming. “Aside from that hatred, Claude's wish to gain power steered him. He wanted to become the most powerful man in Artias. He thought that he could gain that position by using some stupid plots. He wanted to make Theodore and I destroy each other so that the two legal heirs to the throne would be gone. And he thought that Luciano would have some qualification to rule in that case because he was the dowager empress' nephew.”

That thought made Lucille pause. She frowned at her lover. That didn't make sense. The next heir to the throne had to be related to the emperor and not the dowager empress. “That is... Isn't that ridiculous?”

“It is. It would never have worked out. There are enough reasons, and I won't go into detail. In any way, Claude thought it would be good for Luciano to adopt the emperor's child to secure his reign. And which woman could have been pregnant with Theodore's child? Only Blanche. So, along with his hatred for her, that somehow made him think that he should...drug her and make Luciano spend the night with her.”

Lucille took a few seconds to process that. “You mean-”

Cedar cut her off. “Exactly. Of course, Luciano didn't want to do it. His father threatened him with harming his family, so he pretended to go along with it. I don't know what Luciano wanted to do to save the situation since he was interrupted, but he hoped to avoid the whole issue. But things went differently when I ran into him. I found it a bit strange that he was holding a barely conscious woman. So, I made him leave and wanted to get Theodore. At that moment, my mother came.” His smile was so bright that others might question how he could discuss such a matter so calmly. But his true emotions certainly were much different from what his fake smile suggested.

Seeing that expression on his face was enough to make Lucille brace for what would follow.

Cedar paused for a bit while he thought back to that day. “Mother found me standing there with Blanche slouched in my arms and quickly had a wonderful idea. I don't know how she...” He hesitated for a moment. Then he spoke much faster than before. “She isn't sane, so you can't understand what she was thinking. Well, in any case, she wanted to hurt Theodore and Blanche, whom she compared to Althea. So, she just told me to use Blanche's state to...do what Claude Vasquez had in mind. I thought she was joking, but she wasn't. She suggested just pretending that it had happened too, but that didn't make anything better. That made me so upset that I yelled at her for the first time in years. I tried to bring Blanche away so that Mother wouldn't try anything else. Then Theodore came, and everything was resolved. I left and don't know much about what happened that evening.” That he had suddenly changed the pace of the narration made it obvious that he hated that event.

That was more than understandable. Lucille herself felt sick, even though she hadn't witnessed that event. She could just blink at her lover in response without knowing how to show the appropriate amount of shock. She opened her mouth and closed it again. Lucille had known that Camille was cold-hearted, so this shouldn't have been too surprising. Still, the fact that the dowager empress had actually demanded that of her son... “That's...absolutely revolting.”

Cedar grinned at her with his typical fake smile. “I know. That's what I thought too. I'm glad I was there to keep anything bad from happening, but that situation was still horrible. Even if it helped me in the long run. It made me understand that my mother doesn't care for anyone around her. After all, she didn't only propose something that vile without batting an eye. She also told me to just...pull myself together to do it because it would anger Theodore. She didn't care about me refusing that at all. I was nothing but a tool to her. She didn't think about my feelings in that situation since I was just supposed to listen. When I questioned her guidance, she got angry as if I was doing something wrong. Then she began insulting me and tried to use my triggers to make me snap. That served as a reminder that burned itself into my mind. It eventually supported my decision to leave her, so it might have been good that it happened like this.”

He said that it, but he didn't feel that way. He despised that event. Cedar was just glad he could use something awful to help him in some way. He probably had been forced to think like that ever since he had been a child. With a mother that only gave him bad things, he truly had needed to see everything in a good light, or he would have lost his mind.

Lucille tried to stay calm, but she couldn't keep herself from despising Camille even more. She had been convinced that it wasn't possible, but here she was gritting her teeth and cursing that woman. “I'm-” She had planned on apologizing since she felt horrible that he had been forced to go through that, but she was interrupted.

A knock sounded from the door, and it was quite hurried.

Cedar immediately prepared to put on his invincible mask again. He sat up and smiled as if nothing had happened. It looked like he was just relaxing in bed instead of questioning his life choices.

Still, Lucille was reluctant to let in guests now. But in the end, not seeing them would be odd too. So, she stood up after making eye contact with her lover. He would favor her acting like everything was fine too. She went to the door despite her reluctance and opened it. She had planned on greeting the visitor and sending them away immediately, but she quickly changed her mind.

The royal couple was standing in front of the door. Blanche was almost panicking, and Theodore's expression was grim too. The empress immediately spoke when the door opened. “Are you two alright? I heard that Cedar got injured. Is he fine?” She tripped over her own words while speaking.

Lucille opened the door completely and stepped aside to make way for them. “We're...fine.” At least physically. “Cedar's hand was cut, but...”

Cedar chimed in at that moment. “My hand is perfectly fine. It's just a small cut that will heal in a few days. The doctor put on a bandage, and now I can basically ignore it.” He stood up to walk over to the center of the room, where the royal couple had moved to after closing the door.

Blanche's tone immediately changed. She sounded almost accusatory while she pointed at Cedar's injured hand. “What small cut? The doctor said that you grabbed the whole knife to stop it! Don't understate your injuries! We need to know whether it hurts so you can get the right treatment.”

The answer was obvious before it came. Cedar just beamed at them while lifting his hand to wave it around. “It's really fine though. I merely misjudged where the blade would be because I was a bit beside myself. Please do not concern yourself with such a small error. It doesn't hurt, and everything will be fine in just a few days.” He probably thought about how his mother had much worse issues while saying that.

Theodore narrowed his eyes at his brother before speaking. “You still do it. The doctor already told me about you not complaining about wounds in general. I knew that already, but I had no idea that it was that bad. When you broke your arm, you-”

Cedar interrupted him. “That was sixteen years ago. How could I or the doctor remember what happened then? Don't bother with things like that. As you can see, I am fine. Lucille is also unhurt. I checked multiple times to make sure. We are merely a bit...surprised. After a short break, we will be as good as new, and we can forget about this.”

Blanche put her hands on her hips and glared at the prince. “We will not forget what that vile woman did. She will regret trying this until the end of her life, so she won't forget it either. But you are more important now. Are you really fine? I don't just mean your hand.”

Once again, it was quite obvious what Cedar would respond with. “I am truly fine. I mean, I broke my mother's arm three hours ago, so I'm a bit worried. But otherwise, it's fine.” He understated it again. He wasn't just a little worried. He blamed himself.

Lucille couldn't help but stare at him while trying to read his expression. Cedar was so unhappy with this that it was painful for her as well. She wished that she could take away his guilt by reminding him that he had been in the right, but that wouldn't help. Still, she would do her best to ensure that he wouldn't think about that matter for a while. After just a few hours, it would be a bit better, and she would stay with him until then.