The Broken Prince's Love

Cedar felt pathetic. Had he seriously whined and forced Lucille to calm him down? He hated himself for losing his composure in front of her. He should have pulled himself together, asked for some privacy and waited until she was gone. But how should he have done that when the fear of her turning away from him was so grand that it had almost overwhelmed him? After she had seen what he could do, he had been more scared than he had been for the past few months.

And yet, Lucille had been like an angel. She had hugged him and told him that it was fine. She had told him that she loved him instead of yelling at him or backing away. And she was still with Cedar even now. She didn't fear him. She didn't gaze at him with fury or judge him like his mother had always done it when he had lost his temper. She also didn't look at him with fear like the servants who had witnessed his breakdowns.

Instead, Lucille did the very opposite. She held Cedar's hand and brought him to his room so that he could calm down. As soon as they entered his chambers, she had led him to the bed and sat down with him. Ever since then, she had hugged him and stroked over his head while enduring how he clung to her.

The longer they sat here, the more Cedar became aware of what he had done, and he hated it. He went through everything that had happened multiple times in his head. He wondered whether he could have acted differently to avoid hurting Camille, and the fact that he could have disarmed her without breaking her arm made him feel horrible. But in this case, his stupid reflex had been to blame, and Camille had implanted that into him. So, this was her fault as well.

But of course, this didn't help Cedar. He still hated himself.

Cedar didn't regret protecting Lucille. But he regretted doing it like this. He had done everything wrong. First, he hadn't been careful enough despite noticing his mother's strange behavior. Then he hadn't been close enough to intervene earlier. He hadn't managed to get Camille away without injuring her. And he had shown Lucille that he could easily break people's bones without batting an eye. That might be the most horrible part aside from him risking his lover's well-being. He hated himself for letting all of that happen.

And Cedar hated himself for his reaction to his mother's injury. For just a second, he had thought that she had deserved it. He truly hadn't felt any sympathy directly after that incident and had merely thought that he was glad that Lucille was safe. Then a few seconds had passed, and he had understood what he had done slowly, and that had caused him to feel as guilty as he hadn't felt ever since Lucille had been shot with an arrow.

Countless minutes passed in silence while Cedar just thought about all of that. He was so glad that Lucille was still here with him that he couldn't put it into words. He didn't dare to move and just sucked in every bit of affection that his lover showed him, not daring to speak.

Lucille patiently stroked over his head and back while occasionally whispering sweet phrases to him. The sound of her voice alone was so calming that he never wanted to let go. Thankfully, she didn't push him away either. She just accepted his hold on her and returned the embrace. He wasn't sure how much time passed when she spoke up for the first time. “Aside from your hand... Are you alright?” She sounded so hesitant. Maybe because she knew that he wasn't alright at all.

Cedar would have liked to lift his head to make eye contact, but then she would see his fake smile again. Right now, he wouldn't be able to stop grinning even if he wanted to do it. He had rarely been so dependent on that stupid reflex, and his lover didn't need to see this. “I'm fine. Thank you for asking. I apologize for overreacting like this. I'm not hurt, so I will manage to calm down in a moment. Please just-”

Lucille cut him off with a gentle but still assertive voice. “You aren't overreacting. You are upset because of what happened, and that is perfectly fine. We have all the time in the world to calm down now. We will stay here as long as you want and just relax a bit. You won't have to see that woman any time soon. So, don't force yourself to endure anything. Let it out. Please.”

Cedar would have liked to do that. But he couldn't do anything but train if he wanted to vent. And right now, he refused to let go of Lucille, so he couldn't train. Maybe he could talk about his feelings, but that wouldn't do much. His brain had built up an indestructible wall that refused to budge when he wanted to be honest with his emotions. When he was with Lucille, he sometimes managed to take a detour and could show her some of his true personality. But this situation here made it hard to want to reveal who he was to her. She would hate him if he did that. “It's really fine. I will...calm down in a few minutes. I don't need much more than a bit of time.”

Lucille ran her fingers through his hair and gently drew small circles into his scalp. She still spoke with so much kindness in her voice while she talked to him. It almost felt like this couldn't be real. “You don't have to pressure yourself. You can stop when it gets too much or give yourself more rest when needed. Please don't try to hold back. If you want to, you can talk to me. That might help. I won't force you, but I'm here to listen. I love you, and I will stay right by your side. There is no need to worry about what I will say. I'm with you.” She turned her head to kiss his scalp. She barely reached him, but it was enough to make his whole body tingle.

Cedar took a deep breath as he tried to stall for time. He wanted to talk to her, just to keep her from jumping to the wrong conclusions. But at the same time, he didn't want to reveal anything about himself. How was he supposed to do that? He hated it. Why did his brain have to be so messed up? Thanks to his mother, he couldn't even speak openly with the person he cared about most. He opened his mouth to voice some stupid excuse again and barely stopped himself in time.

This really was because of his mother. Camille had always told him to keep his problems to himself, and her method of raising him had affirmed that. Cedar had needed to be perfect at all times, and if he had voiced the slightest bit of discomfort, he had regretted it. Either because she would snap at him, act offended until he apologized a hundred times or because she would use it against him the next time she wanted to hurt him.

Lucille wasn't like that. And she was the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

If Cedar hoped to stay with her, he would need to change a bit. Not completely, of course. That would be impossible. But he needed to let go of the things that Camille had taught him. If he seriously wanted to be with Lucille, he would have to offer the world to her. And how would he do that when he couldn't even offer her a husband who didn't keep secrets? He wanted to shake off his mother's shackles, and he wanted to be honest with Lucille.

Then this was the moment to start. The more vulnerable he was, the more important it was to show Lucille a bit of himself.

Cedar almost trembled a bit when he came to that conclusion. He unwillingly tightened his hold on his lover and breathed in and out again. He had worked on his self-control for years, so he would be able to force himself to speak too, with as little emotion as possible but still with the intention to apologize. “I...” The most important thing should come first. “I'm sorry. I noticed that something was wrong. She was much too nice today. She was just...calm. I know that she is always like that when she planned something awful. It's the calm before the storm. I should have sent her away immediately. But I thought that...I could use that chance to...make her eat something. Because she had refused to eat for the past days, and...I didn't think that she would do this. I didn't keep up my guard. If I had been one moment too late...” He didn't want to know what would have happened if that dagger had hit Lucille. He might have done much worse than just breaking Camille's arm. “I'm sorry.”

Lucille was still as gentle as before while she patted him. Her voice was quiet and lacked any anger or fear when she responded. “That's not your fault. You aren't responsible for seeing through what your mother plots. No one could have known that she would do something like that while being surrounded by guards. None of them intervened in time, you know? Only you reacted so quickly. You saved my life, Cedar. This is the second time. You are the one that protected me once again.”

“But you wouldn't have been in danger without me in the first place. This is the fifth time she tried to kill you. Because of...” Cedar hated the feeling forming in his stomach when he thought about that. He had known that being with Lucille would make her a target. But he had been selfish. He had asked for a bit more each time, and now he wanted her to be with him forever. What right did he have to demand that of her? “Because of me. Because you are close to me and this whole mess. I'm sorry.”

Lucille froze in the middle of her movement and then tightened her hold on him. This time, her voice sounded more pained than before, and it was enough to make Cedar feel guilty. “Don't say things like that. I'm glad to have you in my life. I would never want to exchange what we have for anything else. I love you, and your presence brings me more joy than you can imagine. Every hardship we faced was because of your mother. She is responsible. Not us. So, please don't blame yourself. I hate it when you feel guilty because of something that monster did.”

Cedar heard that often these days. He was told that he was a good person and that his mother was the monster. He wasn't sure whether he could believe that. He had been told the opposite for two decades. It was odd, especially when he knew how violent he had been in the past. He could still feel so much blood on his hands and remember all of the fights he had won. Cedar tried to push away the memory of the sound of Camille's bone breaking, but he still heard it. He also felt how her arm had given in with just a bit of force. It had been too easy. He could have done that much earlier if he had just tried to defend himself once, back when she had held glowing iron to his skin.

A shudder ran through Cedar's body, and he tensed again. He needed to speak, or he would keep thinking about that. “But I didn't act in time. I know her best, I should have been more careful. She was nice to me. That should have made it obvious. Of course. The one time she was nice was another one of her plots.” He knew that.

Camille was never nice without a reason. She only showed him affection when she wanted something in return or wished to bind him to her despite her cruelty. He should have expected pain to follow when she was so calm.

Lucille still didn't seem to get sick of having him cling to her. She stroked over his back while listening to him and replied as soon as he was done. “You can't read her mind. That this happened is only her fault. No one would have expected an elderly woman to pull out a weapon when the royal guards surround her. Not even I guessed it, even though she stood directly in front of me while she lifted her dagger. She never did anything like that before, right? How should we have guessed that? You weren't the cause of this threat. You saved me, Cedar. Nothing she said was true. You are my savior. You don't need to think about what she said at all.”

But Cedar couldn't even think back without blaming himself. He still saw Camille's pained expression in front of his inner eye, and that physically made his chest hurt. But that hadn't even been the worst part. Without wanting to, his thoughts wandered back to the scene that had transpired just a few minutes ago.

Every single word that his mother had said stung. She had voiced so many truths as well. It was very possible that everyone around him would turn away from him if they found out what kind of person he really was.

And Camille was all too eager to make that happen.

Cedar gritted his teeth for a moment before he spoke in a hoarse voice. “She wants to make you hate me. Why? Does she hate seeing me happy that much?” These thoughts escaped him, and he didn't even attempt to hold them back.

Lucille leaned into him even more. She almost tipped him over, and they only remained seated because he used his arm to stabilize them. “She hates the fact that you aren't focused on her completely. But it doesn't matter what she wants. Your mother is sick. It will be impossible for you to help her when she already went this far. And you don't have to help her either. You don't have to do what she wants you to do nor do you have to care about what she dislikes. Forget about whatever she thinks is right. I won't ever hate you. I love you. So, please don't ever doubt that she is lying.” She stroked over his head again.

By now, Cedar's scalp was tingling again. He wasn't sure what exactly Lucille was doing, but it felt wonderful. He didn't want her to stop for even one second. She did him the favor and continued. He relaxed a little and closed his eyes while trying to ban the image of the strange angle of his mother's arm from his mind. Cedar tried to choke down the unpleasant feeling rising inside him, but he didn't allow himself to. If he put up his walls again, he wouldn't be able to open up to his lover. He had to give in and let out what bothered him most. Even if he felt like he was childishly whining while he said it and needed to avoid her gaze in the meantime. “I don't want to hurt anyone.”

He still remembered all the times he had injured someone, and he had never been proud of that once. The only exception had been his instructors, whom he had never seriously hurt, when he had won against them. And maybe he had liked defeating Theodore in a duel while they had been younger. But at every other moment, being stronger had never felt good. Especially not when he had terrified others with it. Though, it wasn't like he had the right to say that when he had hurt those around him often.

Lucille didn't remind him of that. Instead, she just continued to hold him while calming him down. “You didn't do anything you need to worry about. You didn't hurt anyone innocent. You defeated an evil monster today and saved my life again.” Maybe that was how he should see it.

But for Cedar, there was a bit more to it. He hadn't necessarily needed to hurt his mother that much. He had just panicked and overreacted. His instinct had kicked in, and his experience during his training had done the rest. Along with his anger. “But...I...” He almost didn't want to say it. He didn't want Lucille to think badly of him, but he couldn't lie to her. As if the cork was opened, he just said what was going on inside his mind. “I wanted to...” Hurt Camille. For a split second, he had indeed wanted that. “As soon as I saw that she wanted to attack you, I only wanted her to feel the pain she wished to cause others. For a moment, I don't think I...kept my composure as much as I should have. But...that's not what I should have done at all.”

Maybe that was the worst part. That he had hated his mother more than anything else at that moment. He had been so relieved upon seeing Lucille that he hadn't been able to worry about Camille for the first few seconds or so after he had broken his mother's arm. He had even considered yelling at his mother before seeing her expression. And what scared him more than this might be the fact that his own emotions betrayed him too. He hadn't been that disturbed by Camille being in pain. That Lucille had been threatened had petrified him much more than the broken arm. The realization had only seeped in much later.

He almost expected to be met with shock now after this confession.

But Lucille still stayed in his arms and consoled him. “It's normal to be upset when you face horrible people that keep hurting others. That doesn't make you evil in any way. Being angry or furious with people who want to cause us pain, whether it may be momentarily or for longer, doesn't make us bad. We have every right to be wrathful when we are hurt. Don't forget that.”

Cedar wanted to believe her, even if that would just be to justify his thoughts. He had been furious with his mother often enough, but he had never hurt Camille. Today, he had injured her for the first time. And he hadn't done that because he had wanted her to feel pain. He had only wanted to get that dagger away from Lucille. He had succeeded, so he would need to get over his decision. He wouldn't act differently if he had the choice either. Maybe he would try to push Camille away more gently, but he would definitely step in again.

But it wasn't like he could change that now anyway.

So, Cedar just swallowed those thoughts without pondering them for longer. This would haunt him the entire night and for the following weeks anyway. He might as well say something else now. He only dared to speak after a short pause. “Thank you, Lucille. Thank you for still being with me.” He knew that he wouldn't take her leaving well, so he couldn't even express how big his gratitude was.

Lucille still patted his head while playing with small strands of his hair. “Of course, I'm with you. I want to be by your side. I would never be upset with you for protecting me. Remember that. I will always support you. I won't judge you without hearing the full truth.” She sounded like she was about to cry while saying that.

Cedar rarely cried. Today, he had almost shed a few tears, and that was far too close already. He didn't want to cry no matter what, but hearing Lucille like this almost made him want to join her. He didn't deserve this much kindness. He didn't deserve her. “Thank you.” He cared for Lucille so much. He couldn't put it into words. He definitely loved her. But he couldn't tell her that because his mother had ruined that sentence for him. How he hated what Camille had done to him.

At times like, this Cedar truly noticed that he might not just hate his childhood but also the person that had hurt him so much, just a tiny bit. That development had started a while ago. Each time his mother harmed others, be it his aunt and cousin, Theodore, or anyone else, he had disliked Camille a bit more. Then his mother had attacked Lucille, and his dislike had taken on the form of hatred for the first time. From then on, Cedar had only gathered even more resentment for the woman who wanted to harm his beloved with every incident. Of course, he had never stopped caring for his mother, but right now, his feelings for her were as conflicted as they had never been.

But his feelings for Lucille only became clearer in return.

Cedar inhaled again before he lifted his head. It felt odd to smile at his lover now, but he couldn't help it. While focusing on telling her what he was thinking about, he couldn't keep his fake smile hidden despite his efforts. “I can't tell you how much you mean to me. Without you, I was...alone.” He had spent years living with his mother. Had that ever granted him true happiness? Not for a single moment. Because each bit of his satisfaction had been dependent on his mother showing him a little drop of affection. And that affection had come with a price. Now Lucille gave him her affection, and she didn't demand anything horrible in return. “When I fell into your home, everything changed. I will never regret meeting you. I'm so happy that you are in my life.”

Lucille's face was a bit wet. It seemed like she had cried a little. But she smiled at him when he said that. She removed one hand from the backside of his head to put it on his cheek. “I'm happy that you feel that way. Because I feel the same. When you came to me, I finally noticed that I could do more than listen to my father. The past months were wonderful, and with every bit I learned about you, I liked you more. And as I revealed more and more about you, I slowly but surely fell in love. I want to enjoy this time together with you for as long as I can. I want to be by your side, and if this you makes you happy, I can't imagine anything better. Let's stay together like this.”

Cedar only had one answer for her. He leaned forward to put his lips onto hers. He didn't want to risk hurting her or surprising her, so he went slow as he put one of his hands on the backside of her head.

Lucille didn't pull away nor was she especially shocked. She didn't flinch and hide away either. She did nothing that would indicate fear or hatred. Instead, she leaned toward him and got as close as possible while still hugging him. She didn't have any problems kissing him back.

He couldn't believe his luck.

Cedar almost didn't want to end their kiss now, but he had to do it. He slowly moved away and kept his eyes on Lucille's face. He wanted to see her expression again and took in her features.

Lucille didn't look at him with disgust. She was still exactly like she had been before. Maybe her gaze was even a bit kinder now because she wanted to console him. She didn't hate him. Lucille even reached for him to caress his head again while she whispered to him. “I promised that I would stay with you. So, you don't have to worry. Just...focus on us moving forward together. We will push past this. I promise that we will win in the end, together.” She said that with so much conviction that she had to believe that it was true.

Suddenly, she had gained quite a bit of self-confidence. It seemed like she was able to speak without holding back when she was emotional. She wasn't even embarrassed upon having her lover kiss her.

Cedar watched her face for a moment before he replied. “That's...good. Because I want to stay with you.” There had never been anything he had wanted so much. He had been used to just wishing for what his mother wanted, but this was different.

Being with Lucille was his own goal. It was his own happiness.

And relying on Lucille to be his future didn't sound too bad. From now on, this would be what motivated him to continue while putting in all he had. He might be broken, but he was also more stubborn than anyone else. So, he would find a way to be with the woman he loved while making her happy.