The Broken Prince's Love

Cedar rarely remembered scenes like this in great detail. His dreams normally depicted them in some abstract way. He was used to seeing strange rooms that didn't make any sense, and the chronological order in which he viewed events was often wrong too.

However, it seemed like he wasn't really dreaming today. It was more like he had had a short dream and was now half awake while reminiscing about what had happened back then. He wasn't sure why his brain did that. After all, those events hadn't been pleasant.

It had been eight years ago. Back then, the previous emperor, Cedar's father, had been ill for a few months already. Everyone with functioning eyes had been able to see that Alastair Estien would die soon after going through a lot of pain. Theodore had managed more and more of the emperor's duties while his father hadn't even left the bed anymore.

At that point, Cedar had suddenly been called to visit the emperor. Since his father had never cared much for his second son and had rather refused to acknowledge his existence, the prince had been surprised. During Cedar's childhood, he had always wished for his father's recognition and done his best to impress Alastair. That had never worked and mostly ended with him being ignored or told to go away. His younger self would have been ecstatic to be called to his father.

Unfortunately, Cedar had been fourteen at that time and had already lost all of his childish dreams and hopes. So, he frankly hadn't cared at all. His father had been dying, and he hadn't even felt the need to visit him. The only reason he had gone had been that the emperor had wished to see him.

Cedar still remembered how the room had looked back then.

The emperor had moved into a set of smaller chambers to refrain from calling the doctor to the third floor too often. The room had almost been empty except for a bed, a few cabinets and a nightstand with countless medicine bottles.

And the esteemed emperor, Alastair Estien, had been lying there in his bed. He had looked like a shell of the former cold, confident and perfect ruler. He had just looked like an old man.

Even then, Cedar hadn't felt bad in the slightest. That had made him think about how messed up he had to be. But in the end, he hadn't even feigned sadness. After all, he had known that his father didn't care much about what his second son, whom he deemed useless, was thinking. So, he had just bowed and waited to be addressed.

Cedar saw that scene before him as if it was happening now.

Alastair's voice was as cold as always, without emotion. “I was already waiting for your arrival.” He didn't even manage to greet his own son politely when he never failed to speak to other nobles while following the proper protocol.

In the past, Cedar might have been dejected because of that, but that day, he had just shown his blinding smile. “I wish you a wonderful day, Father. I sincerely apologize if I arrived too late. I was in the middle of sword training, so I needed to change to be somewhat presentable. Please excuse my insolence.” Inwardly, he had been annoyed while saying that. After all, he had only taken ten minutes at most, which was rather quick if one remembered the short notice. And in all honesty, he would rather have continued training than come here for whatever his father wanted.

The emperor stayed quiet for a moment before he forced himself to make eye contact, which was the most he had ever done when they had met on accident. “Sit down.” He didn't specify what he had meant, but it was likely that he had been referring to the stool next to the bed.

Cedar complied without hesitation. He hadn't been sure what he would be told. He expected something about not troubling Theodore or about him needing to deal with his mother.

But what followed was silence. It might be the third option after all.

Cedar stayed quiet for long enough to prove that he was listening. When nothing came after a minute, he spoke up. “Please, allow me to guess. You are going to die. And you asked Theodore to end it for you. You want me to confirm that this is the truth later. I'm surprised that you even trust me enough. I could twist the whole story to make him seem like a murderer.”

Alastair's expression didn't move much, as always. But the wrinkles on his forehead deepened a bit. “It is a strange thing that you are aware of this.”

Cedar showed him a bright smile. “Theodore didn't tell me, if that is what you worry about. I just guessed since your illness is progressively getting worse.” At that point, he had known that there was no medicine too. After all, he had researched this illness while trying to find a cure for months. “That is why you wish to make him emperor quickly, correct? And since you are aware that you will not recover from this but would still have to suffer for a few more months if you don't do anything, you chose this route.” The one that would traumatize Theodore for all eternity. How considerate their father was once again.

The emperor just stared at his son for a while. Then he spoke without revealing any emotion with his words. “If you are aware, this makes it easier. As you guessed, I wish for you to sign an official statement. In case this is revealed, Theodore cannot be accused of a crime.” Then he should get that damned poison himself instead of forcing his son to do it.

Cedar could already see what problems this would cause, and his mother was number one on the list of people who would use this. So, he dared to speak despite knowing that his father never accepted his second son's advice. “I understand that approach. But I would suggest another plan. Keep quiet about this matter completely. The royal doctor knows how much you suffered and will not reveal any information that could harm Theodore. My brother will not let this spread either. I will pretend that we never had that conversation, and everything will be well. Otherwise, some people will easily be able to twist the story until it matches what they believe. If you let anyone find out, Theodore will suffer because of this.” Which was why telling Cedar, who had a horrible relationship with his brother, was more than stupid.

But the emperor didn't seem to believe that those two were life-long rivals. Otherwise, he wouldn't have explained this. To him, his second son was nothing more than a pacifier for his hysteric wife. Someone who had bothered him a few times before stopping completely. The emperor would never think of Cedar as a threat, so he didn't mind being honest. “This is what we are attempting to do. But if it does end up getting revealed, Theodore's authority must be protected too. If you understand that, there is nothing I need to add regarding this topic.”

That was all Cedar needed to hear, so he planned on leaving as soon as possible. He gave his father a bright smile before speaking. “Is that all you wanted to tell me?” He waited for a curt affirmation before resuming. “I see. Then you can stop torturing yourself. I will take my leave if you permit it.”

The emperor turned his head to his son, and they made eye contact. His voice remained as cold as always while he spoke. “You just arrived here. Is it not a bit early to leave already?” Even in death, he seemed to be worried about the reputation of the royal family. If one revealed that the second prince didn't care much about his relatives, it would make the public assume that a fight for the throne could arise. Due to Camille's twisted ideas, that wasn't unlikely either. But of course, the emperor would like to prevent such rumors for Theodore's sake.

Cedar didn't see the need to play along though. “I only wished to offer what would be more pleasant for you. You are exhausted, are you not? You should spend your time with the people you care about. Don't waste it. I know that you don't have any desire to see me. This here was just to make life easier for your heir, so we don't have to act like it's any different.”

What had been rather logical seemed to surprise Alastair. Of course, his expression hadn't budged much, but his frown had deepened. “What are you saying?”

Cedar held back a sigh and shuffled around on his seat to sit more comfortably while still meeting his father's gaze and beaming as usual. “I'm saying that you can send me away. We don't need to keep up appearances. I can act like we had a heartfelt conversation, or I can tell the truth. I can cry to make it seem like this was too much for me, and then you have an excuse for not needing to see me much longer. Whatever you want. I don't care.” That had probably been too much. After all, he had admitted that he didn't care about his father's death.

But in the end, that wasn't surprising. Everyone here should have known that the emperor avoided his second son like a disease, so why would Cedar cling to someone who didn't care? He had given up on that a few years ago.

The emperor stared at him for a moment. The look in his eyes was strange for such a cold and emotionless man. It seemed like he was truly getting weaker day after day. And yet, he had the nerve to say something like this. “I...should have done something.”

Whatever it was about, Cedar had a feeling that he didn't want to know it at all. Still, he asked. “Can you specify what you mean? Unfortunately, cannot read your mind, Father.”

The emperor was silent for a bit too long before speaking. “I shouldn't have let you become your mother's doll.” Showing consideration after ignoring your child for one and a half decades was a new level of hypocrisy.

By now, everyone knew that Camille wasn't sane, and no one had ever bothered to do anything about it. And much like the emperor didn't care about his wife, he didn't care about his second son. Otherwise, he might have known that Cedar had quite a few triggers and being told that he only existed to be serving his mother was one of them.

Cedar was lucky enough to have been able to control himself better at this age, so he didn't snap. But he had to admit that his response came in a tone that was dripping with much more mockery than he had intended to speak with. “It's a little late for that.” Alastair didn't even know that Cedar hated being compared to an object since he was aware that he was only a tool for his parents. “Don't pretend to care now. Do what you always do and ignore everything but your work and Theodore.” Which the emperor couldn't do much longer anymore either way. “I wish you the best. May you cross over peacefully and be blessed by the gods.” Cedar stood up and walked to the entrance with the full intention of leaving. Doing that without permission was impudent, but he didn't care. His father wouldn't physically hold him back.

But even now, he wasn't lucky.

Alastair spoke again. “Cedar.” It might have been the first time that he had ever called out to his son like this. That he was willing to do that now was surprising.

Cedar knew that disrespecting the emperor wasn't a good idea. But after the last comment, he was in a bad mood. He turned around and showed his father a smug grin. “Oh. You know my name? I wasn't sure about that at all. How surprising.” He would almost have said more, but he managed to hold that back.

The emperor looked serious right now, which didn't mean much since he always did. He showed some authority even if he was confined to the bed. “Of course, I know your name. How wouldn't I? I chose it.” Why did he sound so bitter? It wasn't like being accused of not knowing his bothersome son's name was a problem. He didn't need to feel like he had been offended here.

Cedar was still beaming, which was enough proof that he was more than annoyed. So, he opened his mouth again and spoke in a sarcastic tone despite knowing that shutting up would be better. “Really? I thought Mother did that for sure. Well, then I have to thank you. It's the one thing you gave me, and I'm very grateful for it.” Even if it was more likely that Camille had chosen a name and asked the emperor, who had nodded without listening, for approval. “But that's beside the point. Was there something else?” He wanted to leave and go back to train.

The emperor didn't reply immediately. He only spoke when his son wanted to ask for permission to leave again. “Cedar, I found out about the training that woman made you do.”

Indeed, the emperor had come during a bad time, many months ago. That day, one of Cedar's instructors had attacked his student, and unfortunately, Alastair had seen that. The emperor had already called for the royal guards since he had expected an assassination attempt. But then he had seen how Cedar defeated the other man with ease. He hadn't done anything about that, but he had looked at his second son for longer than ever before. Still, he couldn't even begin to understand what Cedar had done for his whole life in an attempt to be better than his brother in just one thing.

Cedar still spent all of his life learning, training and pacifying his mother. No one had cared until now, so they didn't have to pretend now either. Besides, he would never complain about all of this. After all, it gave him the one advantage he had over his brother. “And? It made me much stronger than anyone else here ever was. I'm grateful that I managed to learn to defend myself. Since Mother always took care of my education, I can assure you that she knows what to do.” Camille certainly knew how to manipulate someone until they buried themselves in work to be liked by her. Cedar didn't see the need to explain that though. “If that is all, I will withdraw not to disturb you much longer. I wish you a wonderful evening, Father.” Then he turned around and left without waiting for another word.

It had been the first time that the roles had been reserved, with the prince leaving the emperor behind. And it would be the last time Cedar had ever seen his father.

The emperor hadn't changed his mind. He had forced Theodore to bring him poison. What should one have expected from such a cowardly person? A person who refused to divorce his wife who was a threat to the family and never married the woman he truly loved because she was a count's daughter? Now he had left behind his lover and his heir to fend for themselves, dying within hours after drinking the poison.

The news had spread quickly, and few people had been surprised after that long sickness. The funeral ritual had gone on for a week. That time had been horrible.

Camille had lost her mind completely. She had cried the whole time and acted like she would die too. She had clung to Cedar and forced him to take care of her outbursts. He had felt like a nursemaid at that time, but of course, he had listened. Back then, his life had revolved around his mother after all.

Thus, he hadn't seen his brother or Althea much. He had only run into them on accident once. Both had seemed like they were grieving, and Theodore had looked like he was being eaten up by regret. So, Cedar had given him a single piece of advice. “Don't ever tell Mother.” It should have been obvious what would happen if Camille found out that Theodore had been the one to hand her husband a drink with poison.

And yet, Theodore, that idiot, had called them for a meeting just a month after the demise of the late emperor. He had been cowering under the guilt and wished to clear his consciousness. While he had told the full story, he had cried. Althea, who had apparently known already, had hugged him the whole time.

That day, Cedar hadn't even pretended to feel pity. He hadn't seen the issue with ending a person's life when they asked for it because they were suffering. And he might have been pretty annoyed at the fact that he would need to deal with Camille's temper now despite his well-meant advice.

As soon as the dowager empress had heard the full story, her expression had become more terrifying than her son had ever seen it. For a few minutes, she had just paled and sat there while staring straight ahead with so much hatred in her eyes. Her fury rarely began like this, but even so, it was clear that the second phase would be even more unpleasant. After a while, she had jumped up and begun yelling.

All in all, Camille had just accused Theodore of murdering his father to gain power and insulted him while wishing that he was never born. Occasionally, she had attacked Althea too but mainly her first son. “You will suffer for this, you cold-blooded murderer! You will die for daring to hurt your own father. You disgusting abomination of-” The whole palace had to have heard her.

Cedar had stayed quiet while sipping his tea. He let his mother get rid of the most stress while carefully watching her. He stood up when her anger reached a dangerous level as she attempted to rush over to her first son. Cedar held her back and tried his best to pacify her, even though he knew how low his chances of success were. “Mother, please. Don't carelessly insult Theodore. I know that you are in a bad mood, so we will bring you back to your room now. Would you-” He was surprised that he even got that far.

The next part wasn't so surprising.

Camille didn't like being held back physically. So, she lost it completely. She grabbed her son's hair and let her long fingernails pierce his skin as she dragged him close to her while still yelling. “He killed your father! That bastard deserves nothing but death and pain and misery!”

Cedar didn't do much more than standing next to her and enduring it with a bright smile. How easy it would have been to shake her off. But, as the perfect son, Cedar hadn't done that. He only made eye contact with his brother. “My suggestion would have been better, yes?”

That made Theodore wake up from his paralysis. He raised his voice as well while looking absolutely terrified. “Let go of him this instant! What are you doing?”

Even Althea tried to calm the dowager empress. “Your Majesty, please stop that!”

Of course, that only made Camille more hysteric. She yelled louder and became more insulting.

Theodore got furious for some reason and raised his voice again, this time with much more wrath in his tone. “I told you to stop! I will get the guards to drag you away if you don't let go immediately!”

This flipped the switch in Camille. Her eyes almost seemed glassy as she stopped yelling. After that, it didn't get better though. She turned to her second son at a painstakingly slow pace. “Cedar.” The blank expression on her face had been scary while she spoke. “You will become emperor.” She didn't just say that carelessly. She saw this as the absolute truth and a prediction for the future, which her voice very much showed.

At that moment, the people around them had finally understood that the dowager empress' anger was deadly.

And Cedar had already noticed how the next few years of his life would look. He almost sighed and just allowed his mother to drag him around. Struggling now would only upset her more.

Unfortunately, Camille wasn't content with just announcing that. She yelled again. “You will make him regret that he murdered your father! You will kill him and take over the crown that belongs to the rightful son of the emperor. You will crush that disgusting murderer and make sure that everyone sees how vile and bloodthirsty he is. And you will kill that whore too! She is the one that made him do it!”

Cedar could see how Theodore finally understood how bad Camille's state of mind was at that second. But he didn't have time to deal with that. He carefully put his hand on top of his mother's and tried to loosen her hold on him. He needed to calm her down, or she would be brought into a cell soon. “Mother, you shouldn't propose treason in front of witnesses.”

Camille didn't care about that though. She only wanted to confirm that Theodore would suffer. So, she demanded the one thing her second son had always offered to her. Absolute obedience. “Swear it!”

Cedar ignored the aching that came from his abused scalp and made one last attempt to keep himself from being put on trial because he planned to kill the emperor. “Mother, this-”

Camille cut him off in an even more shrill yell. “Swear it on your life!”

Cedar sighed at this point. He knew that refusing would only make it worse, so there was only one option. “Sure. Can you let go of me now, please? We will bring you some nice rose petal tea and-” He didn't manage to calm her then either.

His mother just raised her voice again. “You are supposed to swear it on your life! Cedar, you are useless! I'm dis-” She had wanted to use his triggers against him, but she didn't get that far.

Theodore quickly recognized what she was attempting to do and yelled at her. “You will let go of him this instant, or I will have you thrown into a cell. Guards!”

A group of royal knights stormed into the room in an instant. The men had already understood what was going on thanks to the yelling. They tried to calm down the dowager empress but quickly gave up. Theodore had to order them to pull her away from the prince physically.

It wasn't surprising that this ended with Camille being locked in a comfortable cell for a while.

Cedar was left behind with an aching scalp and weakly began massaging his skin. He would need to train a bit before seeing his mother, or he might have another breakdown thanks to her hurling his triggers in his direction. He didn't need that after he had gotten better. When he lifted his gaze, he was already met with two concerned expressions.

Althea cried while addressing the prince, who had just been revealed to be her enemy. “Your Royal Highness, are you alright?” She had probably been concerned to see him smiling after his mother had just hurt him right in front of them.

Of course, Cedar was showing the others such a radiant smile that no one could guess that he was filled with nothing but pure bitterness at the moment. He didn't want his life to revolve around killing Theodore, but he didn't have a say in this. “I am perfectly fine. Thank you very much for your concern.” He hadn't lost many hairs due to this incident, which was fortunate. He still didn't plan on staying here to find out whether his mood could get even more unfavorable if his brother voiced some stupid things though. He withdrew immediately. “I shall go bring Mother some tea. I don't want her to be cold in that cell. I will take my leave now, if you grant me permission.”

Theodore had agreed, but he had looked pained while doing that. Maybe because he had understood that they would be enemies from now on. Arch-rivals that would try to kill one another. But it was pretty clear that there had been another reason too. Theodore had seen the truth for the first time that day.

Cedar only did what his mother wanted and never acted on his own will. He had never taken pleasure in seeing his brother suffer nor was he so happy that he smiled the whole time. In reality, Cedar had only been numb to all the bad things he had faced so that he could even smile while his mother almost tore out his hair. He wouldn't forget Theodore's expression upon seeing that the prince hadn't even flinched despite the fingernail marks on his head.

But Cedar didn't need pity. He had never needed it and that still hadn't changed that day.

When Cedar woke up fully, he was full of one emotion. Dreams about Althea filled him with sadness. Dreams about his father made him feel like he was pathetic for taking so long to understand that he didn't have a chance to gain that man's attention. Dreams about his mother's outburst filled him with nothing but pure frustration.

All of this mixed into the most annoying emotion of all. Bitterness.

Cedar wanted to go train and get rid of these old lingering feelings. But he didn't get far.

He woke up while being in someone's embrace. His first instinct was to attack people who were too close to him, but this person here was too warm to be a threat. He only needed a second to realize that this was Lucille. Hugging her might be good to get him to calm down too. He would simply stay here for a bit and enjoy her closeness.

Cedar shuffled around slightly while being careful not to hurt her before he buried his face in her neck. All of his problems were huge a burden that still caused trouble for him. But if he was able to cuddle with Lucille, he might get over it one step at a time. Maybe he would be free of his past at some point.