Paladins of the Pickle Goddess

I wanted to give up.

Another day had dawned, we’d decided to re-attempt our exploration around the temple, and we’d gotten exactly no-where. Maybe the girl was right, and we ought to try breathing underwater after all. I adjusted my grip on the abyssal blade (I didn’t trust anything that powerful to be left back at camp, unguarded) and tried not to sigh out loud. Maybe I should just pay the tax on the inn.

“Surely there’s another door somewhere.” I was tramping through layers of leaves where they’d been blown up against the temple. Ahead of me, Duran was on his knees, ear to the stone of the temple. I’d lost Apis. He had wandered out into the forest, his jacket blending in well with the trees. He might never come back- he’d said something about trusting in Andrena.

Duran got up, leaves crunching. “Madam Elysia, I’ve discovered something!”

He should never have spent so long talking to the soldiers that came through the restaurant last month. “You can just say whatever you found,” I said. “We aren’t that formal.”

“The temple appears to be stone! Really thick stone! I can’t hear anything!”

I resisted the urge to thump my head against the very thick stone. “Thank you, Duran. Good work.” I adjusted the sword. Why had I even taken it? I’d felt uneasy after my dream, but now I just felt silly. This was nothing but a waste of time.

He beamed.

Behind me, the leaves crunched loudly as Apis emerged from the woods. There was a branch stuck in his hair. His cheeks were flushed. “No sign of an exit tunnel,” he said. “I think our best chance is the hut.”

“You mean…”

We all looked up. And up. The waterfall just kept looking taller. “Well.” I folded my arms and coughed. “I mean, it can’t be that difficult to climb up there. That old lady did it, didn’t she?”

It turned out that while he’d been rummaging through the woods trying to find dry branches to throw in my cook-fire, Apis had also been looking for trails.

“It’s just difficult to know what’s a game trail and what’s a human trail,” he said to me, on our fourth failure. I was heaving in breaths as quickly as I could. We’d made it partway up the swell of the valley- far enough that we could see partway over the edges of the temple. It looked like more stone. Not an impressive view.

“Usually the human trails have humans on them,” I said.

“They have markers.” Duran piped up. He was above us, in the trees. I had been letting him range around freely as long as he was in shouting distance, in the vague hopes that it would wear him out a little.

“I’m aware of the concept of trails, yes.” It would have helped if Apis looked even a little discomfited. I had lived more out of the city than he had- fourteen years- and yet he looked perfectly happy tramping through brush. Meanwhile, my cloak got caught on every third branch, and I’d screamed at a partridge flying out of my way. In my defense, it had looked a little like a very small and terrifying bear.

“Little stacks of stones!”

“Yes,” I said. “That’s how it works.”

“I know there weren’t any markers on this one, but I really thought it was promising,” said Apis. “I apologize. I was too optimistic.”

I would have to remember that one forever. Apis admitting he’d been too optimistic.

“No!”

We both turned to face Duran. He was pointing at something below my vision. I pushed a bush aside. “A marker,” he said. “Right here!”

Four stones, stacked on top of each other. “Maybe it was just a convenient landslide,” I said, after a moment.

This couldn’t possibly be the way. We all turned to stare at the rest of the trail. It looked like a goat’s fever dream. It escaped out of the woods, just above us, into a field of scree and what looked like brush barely clinging onto the side of the hill. It didn’t wind back and forth, like a few of the trails I’d seen in my time. This trail didn’t waste time like that. It went straight up.

“I think I see another stack of rocks,” said Apis.

Well. I hadn’t practiced for this. I had spent my life training to cook good food, not climb horrible cliffs. Still. If a goat could do it, I could too. “Duran,” I said. “You’re up first.”

He probably wouldn’t fall on me. Probably.

By the time we made it halfway up, the sun was partway down in the sky. I turned with Apis to stare down at the valley. From here, it was even clearer. The circle of the temple had been carved partway into the valley, so that the waterfall would fall perfectly into a hole in the center. There was no other decoration on the roof. Just a few sparse windows. “I wonder how they deal with the snow.”

“Presumably, Teuthida provides,” said Apis. “Or maybe one of the small gods.” He had finally started looking tired after the third set of scree, where he’d started sliding and I’d had to grab him midway down. “I can’t remember which one is in charge of snow.”

“MADAM ELYSIA!”

When Duran shouted down from the top of the hill, it echoed all through the valley. I winced. That was going to be a few annoyed neighbors, then.

“Yes?” I tried.

“MADAM ELYSIA, IT’S GREAT UP HERE! HURRY UP!”

“We need to find his father,” I muttered to a sympathetic rock near my foot. The rock didn’t respond. “I’m not strong enough for this.”

“Or his mother,” suggested Apis. “Is she not in the north somewhere?”

I sighed and re-adjusted my cloak. “Let’s deal with one parent at a time.”

By the time I made it to the ridge, my knees were trembling. I glanced down for a moment, then swallowed. “I’m not sure I’m ever coming down.”

“Of course you are,” said Apis, taking my elbow and steering me along. “You have to help supervise the bees.”

“Of course, how could I forget the bees,” I muttered.

Somehow, we still weren’t at the top. The ridge wound gently upwards, towards a cornice at the edge of the valley. Midway down the cornice, the waterfall emerged; to the left of it, a single hut and a tree beside it were outlined against the late afternoon light.

I sighed. We couldn’t retreat to the hut just yet. “The waterfall is where they emerge, isn’t it?”

The plan had been to look inside the waterfall, and see if there was a way to swim down it. Now that I was up here, it was seeming like a worse and worse idea. I forced myself to take a few deep breaths before I crossed the ridge, the clear line of water resolving into the sheer drop of water.

“Well,” I said. “It’s a waterfall.”

Beside me, Apis stared. “Yes,” he managed.

We both stared upwards. It was a sheer drop. “I don’t believe it,” I said. “How? How could anyone get out of there?”

“I have an idea!”

I jumped. Behind me, Duran had pulled out his cleaver. “There’s no meat to cleave,” I said. It made me nervous, him wielding blades like that. “That can be put away. Now, please.”

“But it’s helping!” He pushed it forward. The water parted.

Beyond was darkness. “Every waterfall has a hidden cave,” He said, satisfied. “Everyone knows that.”

I squinted. To get through the waterfall and into the cave, I had to step over slick rock. Below was a sheer drop. “I’d rather not.”

“She has a-”

Before Apis could finish speaking, Duran had slipped past us. I sighed.

“We can’t let him go alone.”

Apis turned to stare down the cliff.

“Don’t look down,” I said. “That makes it worse.”

I clenched my fist. I unclenched it. I’d climbed all the way up here. Was I going to give up at the very last moment?

“I should have given up,” I said, kicking a rock.

The cave was wet. It was dark. It was small. It was surrounded by shaded boulders. I was sure one of them had a concealed entrance, but we’d spent the better part of an hour knocking on them with every implement we could find.

If there was a way to break in, I couldn’t find it. I resisted the urge to slam my forehead against a boulder. They were all slick with moss and something slimy that liked the dark. I didn’t want it on any more of my skin than necessary.

Behind me, Apis threw something from the waterfall. We all listened. There was no splash at the bottom.

“There must be a way down,” He said. “There must! They emerge from here, yes?”

“That’s what the hut is for,” said Duran. Out of respect for the knives, he’d started prying at the boulders with the recipe book. He was making no progress.

“Then we must be able to go the other direction.”

I slumped against the nearest boulder. “Or they anticipated this, and they built it so you can’t go backwards,” I said. “Everyone down there is trying to get in. You think none of them tried this?”

The despair had been building within me, slowly but surely. What if our best hope was to wait for Durandus I to succeed?

We’ll be here forever, then.

The silence echoed in the cavern. I had made too many good points for any of us to contradict me. Even Duran stopped thumping at the boulders with his book.

“We should go speak with the people in the hut,” said Apis, after a moment. “I’m sure they have some ideas.”

I lifted up a hand and pulled some moss off of my cloak. It squished unpleasantly.“There had better be food in there.”

When we finally made it to the hut, Duran had beat us there, already peering in a window. They had even managed to bring glass up here. I stared at the carved squid doorknocker. “Did they not let you in?”

“I was waiting for you!” He turned so quickly he nearly overturned. “Please let’s go in, though. They have stew!”

I knocked. When no one opened, I knocked again. At my third knock, the door swung open.

“Ah, now, no need to rush.” A younger woman, with pale hair drawn back so tightly it outlined every part of her skull. She reminded me of a hunting dog the way her whole body pointed to what she faced. “Three of you? For dinner?”

“If we may,” I managed. “It was…. A difficult trip up.” Not to mention the morale-crushing time behind the waterfall.

“So you came up the valley.” Her mouth narrowed. “Well. Come in.”

The door slammed behind us. I sighed, enjoying the warmth.

“Thank you for letting us in,” said Apis, holding out a hand for my cloak. I was already pulling it off, along with the two jackets I had stacked underneath. They had it roaring hot in here- although where they were getting the firewood from, I had no idea. Two figures were huddled next to the fire; one stirring the embers, one wrapped in a blanket. The pale woman who had opened the door had gone to a set of hooks on the wall, where she was removing a mug. “Stew? For all of you?”

“Yes please!” That was from Duran, who had made it a record time before stepping in. “It smells really nice! Did you add fresh herbs?” he added, because we’d been trying to work on manners.

“Fresh herbs?” One of the lumps next to the fire moved and turned. It was the woman from earlier. She laughed. “From where? They’re dried, child.”

“Oh.” He took the mug and held it for a moment, staring into the depths. I took two and handed one to Apis, then got as close as I could to the fire before collapsing- elegantly- to the ground. I was never going to hike again.

The first taste of the stew was a revelation. I managed to make some noises of appreciation around the broth. “You manage to make this? All the way up here? How do you bring it all up?”

“Oh, there’s some decent hunting around here,” said the younger woman. She pointed at something on the back of the door. I turned to see another crossbow, this one well-maintained.

I frowned. I had never heard back from Herminius about his hunting expedition. That was… concerning. I took another gulp of stew and decided I would deal with it tomorrow. If we ever made it down the hill.

“So you’ve been here a while?” I managed, once I felt human again.

One of the old women next to the fire turned to look at me, flames bright in her eyes. “Oh, yes! Since before the temple collapsed. Months, actually. But we always knew it would take my aunt a good long time to complete the trials.” Her eyes glanced at the sword, then at me. “You’re here to fix it, then?”

I paused with my mug halfway up to my lips. I’d already finished half of the serving of stew. “Sorry?”

“I apologize for not greeting you properly before, My Lady. I didn’t see your sword!”

She reached forward and ladled another serving of soup out of the kettle, then held it out. Automatically, I held out my mug- it clinked into Apis’s, as he did the same thing. She served both of us more. Next to me, Duran was drinking stew so rapidly I wondered if he’d even heard the conversation.

“I’m not a lady,” I managed, two swallows of stew later. “I’m just-”

“A Paladin,” she said. She re-adjusted herself in front of the fire. “Trust me, I know. But the proper title is Lady, at least for those of us that still remember Paladins properly!”

I glanced again at the door. Was it too late to run?

“Don’t worry.” Her hand landed on my shoulder. “We’ll keep it quiet.” Her eyes were bright with mischief. My worry increased exponentially. “I know a thing or two about Paladins.”

“…Do you,” I managed.

“Of course I do!” She nudged the abyssal blade with her toe, rocking in her chair. “My aunt’s the one that last wielded that blade in battle! It does my heart good to see it again.”