Paladins of the Pickle Goddess

The field stretched on endlessly. Flowers in every direction. Usually it would have made me sneeze. I stared up into the darkness, the pollen hazy, and didn’t even feel the urge to breathe.

The fields of the gods. “Andrena!”

How dare she! I was just trying to get a nice night of sleep.

I started walking, then began to run. The tall grasses and flowers offered no resistance, bowing out of my way easily. Time flowed unsteadily. Honey out of a jar. It dripped, but it didn’t move at the same rate. Images were stuttering in front of my eyes instead of moving consistently.

Where was her podium? The place she had watched me, before? Where she’d spoken down to me, told me I was her paladin? I was going to give her such a talking-to. I had my soul back, now. I couldn’t just be summoned in and out.

Even though I wasn’t tired, I could feel my chest heaving in and out sympathetically. The flowers had turned bright red now, no longer all colors. In the distance, I could see a building getting larger. A palace.

The palace of the gods? Could there be other buildings, down here?

I should have paid more attention, as a child. I found more and more that my grasp of theology was lacking.

My strides got longer. The building grew. I blinked, trying to bring it into focus. One moment, it looked short and squat, almost like the temple I’d looked at today. Other moments, it looked like the airy and beautiful construction of the Temple of Teuthida in the capital- and in the next blink, it had the elaborate pillars of the spire. I couldn’t bring the reality into focus.

It gave me a headache. “Put me back!” I shouted, but no one responded. Where was she! It was completely out of character for Andrena to summon me and then do nothing. She loved to sit around, lecturing like she was important to me. For her not to even speak to me… I had done her bidding! The least she could do would be to greet me!

I took the steps two at a time, fueled by my rage. I threw open the door. It echoed.

Beyond, there was only one room. In front of me there were five thrones. One massive throne, plain hewn stone, then to either side, two large thrones, each carved with intricate designs that seemed to twist and blink when I looked away. Running horses. Burning flame. Squid, swimming in marble instead of water. Bees, nearly able to buzz off of the marble.

I looked to the left, then the right. Other thrones, scattered through the room. They were placed at uneven intervals, hewn out of different stone, some not even made out of stone at all- I spotted one made out of wicker.

None were occupied. I clenched my fists.

“ANDRENA!”

The echo came back. “-Na! Na! Na!”

“I know you’re in here! Tell me what you want!”

I listened to the echo and stormed forward, kicking a throne. “This is beyond acceptable! I’m not your paladin anymore! You ought to just let me sleep if you’re not going to speak to me!”

Shhhhh! A head peeked out from behind a throne. A woman. She was shockingly beautiful. Horns seemed to stretch up into infinity- at least, they should have. Right now, they were more like nubs. Her crown of ever-living bees even seemed a little more subdued.

“Isn’t that the throne of Cabellus?” I pointed to the horses, running with swords in their mouths. A little on the nose, if I was honest. But I wasn’t designing thrones for the gods.

I am being subtle. Something you clearly don’t understand!

I squinted, recalling the first time I’d met Andrena. She’d condensed herself into a vision in front of me, knocking me over into a creek and claiming she would save my life from a bad batch of pickles. She’d been tall enough to knock me over with a finger. “Sure. Subtle.”

I contain multitudes!

“Where did everyone else go?”

She put a finger to her lips again.

Come back here! We will discuss where it is safe.

Feeling deeply silly, I sighed and bent down, crawling behind the throne to sit next to Andrena. Being a god, she didn’t transmit any body heat. She did have a feeling, though. When I touched her I felt a little like the first sprouts of spring, a giddy new hope. And I had a faint aftertaste of mead.

I leaned away so we weren’t touching anymore.

“Well?” I said.

You travelled to the northern Temple of Teuthida, she said. She’d even managed to make the echo on her voice a little quieter.

“Yes,” I said. “If this is about some jealous rage, I said it already. I’m not your paladin anymore. I got my soul back! And you got your justice. We’re through!”

Have you seen her?

“What?”

The goddess. Teuthida.

“Sorry,” I said. “I must be having some sort of stroke. The goddess? Goddesses don’t live in our world. They live in yours. That’s why you went to all the trouble of harassing me into being your paladin, remember?”

Well- Andrena looked away. Was she uncomfortable? There is a way. Any god can possess a willing mortal. However, usually most mortals….

“Don’t want a god controlling everything they do?” It made a certain amount of sense to me. I had grown these hands myself. I certainly didn’t want Andrena using them.

Are not willing to accept such an honor. She turned to me. So? Have you seen her?

“Why are you so worried?”

There was a long silence. You have not seen her.

“I just got there. I don’t know if I would even recognize her. It’s not like she would have a big sign or anything.” I paused. “Would she?”

It is no matter.

“Wait,” I said. “This is what happened last time. You kept all of this information from me, and I ended up getting in major trouble. You could save both of us the issue and just tell me what-”

Have a good sleep, Elysia.

I blinked awake and shot up to a sitting position, trying to reconcile the dream I’d just had. Unfortunately, I was still underneath a wagon. The slam of my head into the wood woke me up more than any horrible dream about Andrena.

Next to me, Apis muttered something about hammers. I re-adjusted the blanket and lay back down, pressing on the growing sore spot on my head. It was all too much. I closed my eyes, then sighed. No. I wasn’t going to let Andrena distract me again.

Surely goddesses went missing all the time. Teuthida was probably on some… vacation. To the stars, or something. It was certainly none of my business.

I reached over and poked Apis awake. “Oatcakes. We need oatcakes,” I said. “The people here must be desperate for some hot food.”

He yawned. “Oh. Not because they’re tasty?”

“That too.” I had to do something. I might as well sell some oatcakes.

Duran finally emerged after the third oatcake came off the griddle. He grabbed it straight off the fire, yelping as it hit his hands, then put it into his mouth- apparently not warned well enough by the steam.

“Iss good,” he said, holding his mouth open to let the steam escape.

I pointed my spoon at him. We’d started a fire next to the wagon and set up a griddle on it. We didn’t have many supplies- only what we’d been able to buy on the way- but it was enough to make a few oatcakes. Well, half-decent oatcakes, at least. Non-perishable ingredients only. “When you’re done burning your tongue, go tell the other pilgrims we’re selling oat-cakes. This morning only.”

He nodded vigorously, then went to go find a blanket. The wind was coming up again, and it was brisk in the morning fog.

I shuddered, thinking of the snow. It would only be nice for a little while.

It was easy to get a grasp of the population. A few teenagers, clearly noble, leaning in and eagerly paying for their oatcakes out of purses too fancy to take north. What looked like a farmer’s daughter- she was wearing a practical cloak- asked me if I’d like any apple butter to go with them. A middle-aged woman and her husband split an oatcake, the steam rising up to obscure their faces. I felt like I was slipping back into my old ways. All I needed were the walls of the One Horse Inn rising up around me, and I’d be back under the thumb of Durandus I.

“You’ve got oatcakes?” An older woman, leaning in. “Oooh! They smell lovely, dear. May I have two?”

She held out a coin. A gold coin. If I took it, I would be overcharging her viciously. I did really need the money, though…

I winced.“It’s only a couple copper,” I said.

Apis coughed from behind me. I jumped. Hadn’t he gone to find extra firewood? “Any extra goes to the gods, of course,” he said.

“Oh, in that case,” she said. She put it in my apron pocket. “We’ve been needing someone who can actually handle a griddle. Gods below, that councilman shouldn’t be allowed to have a fire!”

I tried not to smile as I offered her the oatcakes. She tucked them neatly into a pocket and nodded in thanks.

“If you don’t mind me asking, Madam,” said Apis, before I could bid her good day and get rid of her. “I didn’t see you around last night. Is there another part of the temple?”

I turned to him, but wasn’t able to interrupt. She was already responding as he leaned down and stacked the wood neatly.

“A few of us are waiting at the exit hut. We have real walls- and a roof!” She squinted at me. “You wouldn’t make it with that cart, though.”

“Exit hut?” I spoke up, then.

She pointed up, up, up. To the left of the waterfall. “Those who see the truth in the temple emerge above the waterfall,” she said. “There’s a little hut there for them to wait before descending the next day. We’ve been waiting all this time.” If I squinted, I thought I could see a few puffs of smoke.

She took a bite of the oatcake. “If it’s much longer, though,” she said, through a mouth of oats, “We’ll be waiting through the winter. They really need to get a move on, in there! I don’t like my chances of getting down that trail in the snow.”

“You’re waiting to go in yourself?”

“Oh, no. I follow Cabellus. My aunt’s in there.”

I stopped flipping the oatcakes. “Your aunt?” The woman had to be seventy, at least. For her aunt…

“Oh, yes. Lovely lady. Good hand with a sword!” She took another big bite of oatcake. “Thank you again for the oatcake!”

I watched her go, faintly horrified. It had been months. An old woman, just wandering around in that stone behemoth? I glanced again at the waterfall. How was she meant to get up to the top of it? Were there just endless stairs inside the mountain?

Did you have to swim?

As soon as she was out of earshot, I turned to Apis. “Any extra goes to the gods?”

“We need the money,” he said. He reached in and took an oatcake. “Besides, you’re a paladin, are you not? And I’ve dedicated my spirit to Andrena.”

“What about Duran?”

“He has time. Maybe he’ll be religious when he’s older.”

He broke it open and offered me half. I kept my hands down. “I’m done with being a Paladin. I think I’ve made that very clear.”

“Ah,” He pulled back. “My apologies. I’ll just go give that gold coin back, then.”

“Well, I didn’t say that.” I reached out and grabbed the half-oatcake. “There’s apple butter if you want some.”

I caught a half-smile on Apis’s face as he turned back towards the woods. The apple butter was very good. I needed to go thank that girl. Profusely.

“How much for the rest of the oatcakes?” Herminius was wearing some sort of leather cap and what looked like leaves stuck into his collar. “A group of us are going to try and go hunting.”

I stared at him for a moment. “For what?”

He hefted the shiniest crossbow I’d ever seen. “Deer, of course!”

“….Just give me what you can,” I said. I flipped a few oatcakes over and glanced at the rest of the camp. Sure enough, a group was gathering. “You really think it will take that many of you?”

“Well, I’ll get the deer. The rest can carry it back.”

I watched him struggle to carry the oatcakes. They were burning his hands. “Good luck,” I said. “Best wishes.”

“I’ll give you the best of the meat!” He offered.

I squinted at the rest of the pilgrims. Impossible to tell if they were competent or not. Hopefully someone would take the crossbow from him before he shot something important.

“Did he take all the oatcakes?” I jumped nearly a mile. It was the girl from last night. “Where’s the other ones?”

“Ah,” I said, a little nervous. “Good morning, Katla.” I offered her an oatcake.“Duran…”

Wait. Where was Duran? It had been suspiciously quiet. I’d even managed a full conversation with Apis, and that never happened. I glanced over my shoulder. Apis was still extremely gone.

“Watch the fire,” I said. She was already partway through an oatcake. “I have to check on something.”

She made no comment. I was already running.

Sure enough, in the mess of pilgrims- mostly middle-aged men, probably from the Capital, although there were a few that looked like they had seen trees before- there was Duran, sword and all.

I dragged him out. “What are you doing?”

“We’re hunting!” He said. “We’ll get a deer! And then have deer stew!”

“Absolutely not,” I said.

Behind us, there was a twang. I didn’t look to see what had gone wrong with the crossbow. “You,” I said, “Are my apprentice. You stay with me.”

“But we aren’t doing anything,” he said. “You already made the oatcakes. What else is there to do?”

I had to think of something. I didn’t trust Herminius with that crossbow as far as I could throw him. “We’re investigating the doors of the temple, of course,” I said. “You think I was going to just give up?”