Maybe a Fake Gintama

"So you guys are still a hundred years early," Tsukuyo said lightly, pinching her cigarette holder with one hand.

"You're too cold, Tsukki," Kawaki chuckled lightly, shaking his head, "There's no such thing as too early. Boys this age are naturally curious about these things, and if we don't educate them properly now, they might make serious mistakes later."

"If you put it that way…" Tsukuyo's expression grew more severe, nodding slightly as she murmured: "Indeed… but it still feels too early…"

At that moment, a ninja girl disguised as a little schoolgirl with twin braids and wearing glasses joined the group of schoolchildren, raising her hand to ask, "So, could you at least teach me some tricks to plunge a man into a vortex of bliss?"

[Why does it seem like there's a girl with perverted glasses mixed in here that I've seen somewhere before?!] Shinpachi internally ranted.

"That's exactly what I can't tell you," Tsukuyo replied dryly.

"Why ask her? She knows nothing about these things," Kawaki scoffed, gesturing dismissively at Tsukuyo, "You should be asking me instead."

"Who… who says I know nothing about those things!" Tsukuyo retorted, her face red, though lacking confidence, "I... I am from Yoshiwara, after all! No one knows those matters better than... than I do!"

"Then tell me!" the girl pressed again, "I currently have a boyfriend, and if something goes wrong at a crucial moment, can you take responsibility?"

[What could go wrong? That's just your delusion!] Shinpachi internally exclaimed again.

"Don't worry, the lady at the pharmacy will tell you all about precautions," Kawaki replied with half-closed eyes, deadpan, "If you still don't understand, just read the instructions on the natto package."

[Will the pharmacy lady tell them?! Will she really?!] Shinpachi ranted internally, [And what's with the natto packaging instructions? Are they supposed to stir it with chopsticks?!]

"I see, so we need to have the pharmacy lady stir natto by our side at the crucial moment." The girl murmured to herself as she noted it down.

[Idiot! She's an idiot! She believed it!] Shinpachi felt utterly frustrated.

"Eh?! Is there also a need for a lady stirring natto beside us when working in Yoshiwara?!"

"No! I hate natto!"

"So do I!"

The group of children voiced their opinions one after another.

"No! That's not necessary!" Tsukuyo pulled out a kunai she had stuck in Kawaki's head earlier, ignoring him as he lay twitching on the ground with his eyes rolling back, "I really can't handle you guys, but perhaps it's better to start learning some things now…"

Saying this, Tsukuyo picked up a Patriot she found somewhere, "Then let me explain a bit. If this is that, and that is this, then here..."

[What are you using that Patriot for?!] Shinpachi widened his eyes in shock, internally screaming.

Tsukuyo hadn't finished speaking when she began tearing at the Patriot's paper roll, obviously struggling to continue...

"Women turn into that?!" A child exclaimed in shock.

Then, the group of children hurriedly ran off.

Three minutes later...

Tsukuyo sat at a table, pulling out several sheets of paper from the Patriot, covering her eyes as she started to cry, "I tried to explain it simply without being too explicit…"

"Stop pretending to be innocent! Teach me the secrets of Yoshiwara already! Besides stirring natto, what other tricks are there?" The girl pressed, sitting beside her relentlessly.

"Now ~" Kawaki turned his face away disdainfully and spat, "That's why women shouldn't do these things. You scared all the kids away. Let me show you how to educate these children!"

With that, Kawaki turned back, smiling at the children standing m.

"Okay, do you have any questions for me?" Kawaki asked with a smile.

"Um," a little boy raised his hand, "as a NEET who contributes nothing to society, how do you feel? Have you ever thought about dying?"

Instantly, Kawaki's face contorted with several bulging veins.

"This guy is so pitiful! I hate to say it, but this guy is so pitiful! The very first question puts Kawaki-san in such a spot! Just by responding, he'd admit he's a useless NEET!" Shinpachi whispered at a table.

"But... it's the truth, aru," Kagura nodded in agreement.

"Well..." Kawaki tried calming himself, speaking evenly, "Maybe you have some misconceptions about NEETs... and OTAKUs. Today is a good opportunity. Let me explain the great contributions of NEETs and OTAKUs to society. You could win an award if you take good notes and write a paper."

"Really?! Can it win an award?!"

"Yes!" Kawaki nodded affirmatively.

"This guy's starting again..." Shinpachi pushed up his glasses, expressionlessly commenting.

"First of all, it's a huge mistake to say that NEETs or OTAKUs contribute nothing to society," Kawaki began, pulling out the newly purchased game from his pocket, "Do you know what this is?"

"A game! It's the limited edition game released today!" one of the boys answered excitedly.

"Right, it's a game." Kawaki nodded, "But since you knew it was released today, that's quite impressive."

"Because my dad is the designer of this game."

"Well then, that makes it even better to explain... explain," Kawaki nodded again.

[He was about to say 'con,' wasn't he? He was going to con these kids, wasn't he?] Shinpachi internally grimaced.

"First, this game wasn't stolen or snatched; it was bought with money, which you all understand, right?" Kawaki continued.

"Yes! We understand!" the children nodded in unison.

"Money is the most important thing. Without money, nothing can be done," Kawaki went on, "So, where does the money I spent on the game end up?"

"It goes to the game store and the company that developed the game," the boy answered earnestly.

"Exactly! The money we spend on games ultimately goes to those hardworking employees at game stores and game development companies!" Kawaki shouted earnestly, "Thanks to us, they can get paid and live a normal life! Imagine if there were no consumers of games; what would happen to those people? What would happen to your game designer dad?!"

"Dad... would be laid off..." the boy's eyes widened in realization, "Our family... would go hungry..."

"Correct answer!" Kawaki snapped his fingers and then shook his head, speaking softly, "Without us NEETs, the game stores and companies would lay off all their staff. So, do you still think NEETs contribute nothing to society? Who is it that keeps your dad from losing his job? Isn't it us NEETs? Moreover, NEETs rarely cause trouble outside, unlike those who often make trouble on the streets; we... save so much manpower and resources for society! In fact, without us NEETs, this society would have many more unemployed loafers wandering the streets every day! Do you... understand?!"

"Although what you said makes sense and is all true, something still feels a bit off..." Shinpachi muttered under his breath.

"Are NEETs such great people?!" a little girl exclaimed.

"Absolutely, in fact, society could not function normally without us NEETs," Kawaki sighed wistfully, "Without NEETs, society would collapse. NEETs... are the most crucial work supporting the normal operation of society. Do you... understand?"

"I understand! NEETs are great! When I grow up, I want to be a NEET too!"

"So do I!"

"Me too!"

The group of children echoed each other enthusiastically.

"It looks like you do understand... ah!" Before Kawaki could finish, Kagura and Shinpachi simultaneously kicked him, sending him flying several meters.

"What are you teaching these kids?!" Shinpachi yelled at Kawaki, lying on the ground, veins bulging in anger, "Are you trying to turn them all into a tribe of NEETs?!"

"No, I just wanted them to understand the contributions of NEETs..." Kawaki, covering his swollen cheek, clumsily got up and slurred his words.

"What contribution?!" Shinpachi spat vehemently.

"Listen up, you guys," Kagura pointed at the Patriot on the table, "so-called NEETs are... even more useless than this thing, aru. This man is just a waste being kept by a bunch of women. Without him, society would still function normally. Society's gears might even turn faster, are."

"Hey—! Don't talk nonsense!" Kawaki protested vehemently, his eyes rolling back in exasperation.

But the group of kids had already lost any desire to listen further, turning their backs in disdain and walking away.

A minute later...

"Heh, I'm even more useless than this thing..." Kawaki crouched down, curling into a ball, completely engulfed by shadows, with a Patriot in front of him, "That's right, NEETs are really useless to society, ah... I want to die... ahaha..."

"It seems a bit pitiful..." Shinpachi commented emotionlessly.

"It's just the truth, aru." Kagura snorted disdainfully.