MADMAN APOCALYPSE

The handle of a cane hooked under my right forearm and pulled me up and out of the hexagonal healing tub. I landed on my feet at the edge of the hole and sheets of gloopy honey rolled off me lazily, seeming to not stick to my bare skin at all, for which I was grateful.

The blood that’d made my hair stiff like gel and turned my body sticky was gone, and my right arm was restored to full.

“That was quick,” I muttered.

“You were in there for 20 minutes,” Panda told me, before climbing up my body and onto my shoulder.

“Come again,” said the Wasp Healer and smacked me on the butt with her cane, before using it to push me towards the exit tunnel.

The honey kept plopping to the ground as I walked out, but it seemed to slowly retreat to the tub, as though sentient in some way or perhaps the old Wasp had a honey magnet.

“I thought nobody was supposed to be able to get hurt here,” I said. “Wasn’t that the entire point of making the Safe Zone?”

“Well, yeah, but it seems it doesn’t actually work that way,” he told me.

“Where’s Bee?” I asked.

“She went to investigate.”

I picked up speed and came out through the opening of the wasp hive ‘door’, passing by the two crustacean guards, who were on alert, as they watched a gathering of Players in the center of the floor in front of the shop.

Bee was knelt next to a dead body that’d had its torso punctured by a sword or some kind of massive blade. When people saw me approach, several of them jumped in surprise, and more than a few were pointing to my shoulder. The shoulder where Panda sat…

“This is bad,” the plushie commented, looking down past Bee.

“You recognize the body?” I asked, but then I froze mid-step as I realized I did as well.

Her perm was messed up, and her neat blue suit was torn and rapidly darkening from the blood that poured out of the gaping hole in her body, as though there was no stopping the bleeding.

Bee shared the appraisal of the corpse, as though she didn’t quite believe it herself either:

Level 15

‘Samantha’

Player x

“I just want a cold beer, is that too much to ask for!?”

Class: Involuntary Protagonist

Main Attribute(s): Strength, Vitality, & Defense

Sometimes the story takes a turn, and you realize that you weren’t following a heroic journey, but rather a grim horror tragedy with no redeemable characters.

This is what we feel like right now, here at the office. We had such great plans for Samantha, and then she went and died on us. What a shame.

This Player is Dead.

I swallowed, feeling both supremely-uncomfortable about the fact that a Level 15 Player had died from a single attack, and also the fact that any of the nearby Players could potentially be the murderer.

“A Skinstealer must’ve done this,” I muttered, while scanning their faces for any trace of hostility.

The muttered talking and whispering instantly fell silent, when an achievement arrived for everyone around the dead body:

Congratulations! You have unlocked an achievement! x

‘Whoops’

You encountered a Bug.

We’ve just been alerted by the Moths, who help the System function, that there’s a Bug with how Safe Zones work. Apparently, the feature which is integral to Safe Zones, i.e. the part that makes them ‘Safe’, isn’t automatically part of a Safe Zone. Instead it’s something that is activated at a specific Timestamp: the end of the WEAPONLUTION Event to be precise.

We are working on fixing this issue, so please hang tight.

Until then, please accept this Bug Victim Compensation reward.

Reward: 15x ‘GAME Coins’

As the realization of the implications set in, people looked at each other and started backing away, while their groups broke apart, with loyalties and trustworthiness quickly being figured out on the spot. A terrified man yelled something incomprehensible and then ran for the exit. Two others followed behind him shortly after. Everyone else scattered, quickly leaving the scene of the crime in their desperate attempt to protect themselves.

Then a Quest arrived from my Benefactor.

Benefactor Quest

This is a Quest given to you by your Benefactor.

Failure to complete the Quest will result in a penalty of the Benefactor’s choosing.

The Quest states the following:

The protections are down, now is your time to crush the weaklings around you and shower in their blood!

Miranda

Rewards: 200x ‘GAME Coins’ & ‘Throbbing Bite’ Ability

“She’s out of her fucking mind,” I said and Panda nodded.

I definitely didn’t trust any of the Players here besides Bee, but that didn’t mean that I’d go on a killing spree for the hell of it. Not to mention, there was literally no benefit, as it would only mark me as a villain and convince everybody that I’d had a hand in Samantha’s death.

“Where’s her Leftovers?” I asked Bee. “Did you already loot them?”

She was silent for a moment, then said, “There weren’t any. Whoever killed her looted all her things immediately.”

“Did no one see the murderer?” Panda asked, switching to detective mode.

“I only came out here after people started screaming, but I think Samantha was heading to the Healer as well. Someone ambushed her before she could enter the store.”

Panda pointed to the lobster guards with a fingerless arm. “Let’s ask them.”

“It has to have been a Skinstealer,” I insisted.

“I inspected everyone,” Bee said, an annoyed tone in her voice, although I couldn’t figure out if it was directed at me or not. “None of them had suspicious appraisals.”

“They might have adapted to not be that easy to spot!”

She got up from the floor and began walking towards the guards. Clearly she wasn’t buying my theory. She hadn’t seen what I’d seen, so of course she was skeptical to the truth, but I’d unveil the true killer.

“Don’t you dare use the Whistle,” Panda warned me. “A lot of the Players could see me earlier. The moment you use the Whistle, you’ll push many of them over the edge, and, because you insisted on installing that stupid unHaunt Plugin, they’ll become serious trouble.”

I grumbled, but knew he was right. I would wait to use it until I was certain.

While I followed Bee back towards the front of the Healer’s paper hive, I pulled up my Status and inserted my available attribute point in Dexterity.

Level -15

‘Gambit’

Exit Code 3 x

---If you stare into the red, sometimes it stares back <( o )>---

STATS

Health: Isn’t It Great?

Stamina: いいな

Armor: Dinner Plate Armor

Carry Weight: 1050 Pandas

Top Speed: Snow Sled

Mana: !ɘM ʜɔɈɒяɔƧ

ATTRIBUTES

Strength: 2415 lbs.

Dexterity: Echidna

Intelligence: ☹

Vitality: Brisket

Athleticism: 子犬

Perception: ‘Yes?’

Wisdom: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Defense: Ceramic

ABILITIES

CORE

PASSIVES

‘Punch.harder( )’

‘I_CAN_FLY’

‘Dungeon-Break’

‘Giant-Slayer Lance’

‘.interrupt( )’

‘Skater Boy’

‘There’s No Escape’

‘Soul Blade’

‘unCollide’

back_door.bat

Glitch Collision

‘unHero’

gasm.org

Anti Heroism

‘unHaunt’

wannaCry

Jumpscare

‘Glitch’

‘Insanity’

‘Inanimate Voices’

‘Math.multiply(Punch)’

‘BIRTHDAY_SUIT’

‘Reflective Shell’

‘I-Frames’

‘Transition Lenses’

‘Outcast’

“I’ve been thinking,” I started, “Maybe I should combine Soul Blade and Giant-Slayer Lance.”

“I thought about that as well,” Panda said.

Bee had already made it to the guards and was asking, “What did you see?”

“Although,” I said, unable to chuckle a little at my own genius, “What if I combined it with my Glitch Passive instead of the Lance?”

“I doubt they’d let you do that… Eh, what am I saying? They probably don’t have a choice in the matter, if the System is cool with it. But what would the benefit be?”

I shrugged. “I have two Fusion Gums, I might as well experiment.”

“You know, you never inspected the Glitch Passive, what does it even say?”

I blinked, then realized he was right.

Immediately, I brought up the info:

‘Glitch’ x

Passive

Did you know? You were meant to have become a unique Roaming Boss in Castleburg instead of the Mayor, but then, for some reason, you didn’t turn into an Insanity Monster at all.

Due to your misbegotten origins, you are considered a Glitch by the System and the GREAT GAME.

Rules do not apply to you in the same way as they apply to others, and your potential is not set in stone, but rather for you to decide.

“…Huh.”

“Yeah, that tracks,” Panda muttered. “I sort of guessed they meant for you to become a big bad boss and the fact that you didn’t is why the Agents are so hellbent on capturing you.”

I thought about it for a moment, starting to feel a bout of existential dread.

With a deep exhale, I cleared my mind, and then went over to where Bee was already in the middle of a Good Cop / Bad Cop act, although she had no one to play Bad Cop with her.

“Tell us everything you know!” I shouted, jabbing my index finger into the chestplate of the crustacean guard nearest to me.

“Brother, I think he is threatening me.”

“It does look that way.”

“Listen here,” I said, leaning in so that my mouth was close to what I guessed might be his ear canal. “If you play ball and tell us what we want to know, you won’t have to ride the lightning.”

The guard shoved me back with an impressive amount of strength.

In response, I put my right palm to my chest and pulled out my Soul Blade, pointing it at him.

“Brother, it seems he is now threatening me with a large fruit.”

This time my Soul Banana wasn’t purple, and I realized it was because Brock was still on my left hand. It seemed everything I touched with him was affected with the Purple curse, even my own skills for some reason...

“Let’s just tell them what we know,” said the other guard.

A moment later, a pop-up appeared:

Safe Zone Quest

This is a Quest given to you by the guards ‘Crusty’ and ‘Carnage’, who protect the Healer of Serenity Park Mall.

Your Quest is as follows:

There was a sudden explosion of light and smoke in front of the Healer’s shop, and when it cleared, the body of the Safe Zone’s Owner lay dead on the ground.

The chaos and fear is driving away potential customers, and the Healer would like for the Murderer to be found and dealt with, such that the Safe Zone’s residents can feel comfortable enough to shop again.

Rewards: 50x ‘GAME Coins’ & ‘Healer Discount Coupon’

Bee squealed in excitement. “The case is on, Detective Panda and Deputy Gambit!”