MADMAN APOCALYPSE

“That’s your plan?” Panda asked. “I thought it’d be more clever.”

“Don’t be mean, Panda. It’s a good plan.”

“I love it!!” Brock said enthusiastically.

“Why didn’t you get more of those evolution options for Brock?” Panda suddenly wondered.

I shrugged. “Maybe they stopped sending them after I finished the event?”

“If that’s the case, then why is he still here?”

“Oy, I don’t like ya tone, Jiminy. You tryna get rid of me!?”

“Inspect,” I said, looking at the Bonk Hammer.

‘Brock’ x

This is your weapon for the WEAPONLUTION GAME.

Level:

25 (MAX)

Evolve?

Evolutions:

Kitchen Knife+

Shortsword+

Purple

Balloon

Bonk Hammer

Hydra+

Double Trouble

Crusher

Ghost Strike

Instant Delivery

Length: 22 inches

Weight: 2.592 Pandas

“Huh, yeah, he’s definitely maxed out in levels,” I said, then showed it to Bee.

“Why does it say ‘Evolve?’ below the levels?” she asked.

I squinted. “I don’t know.”

“Evolve me, daddy!!”

“Please don’t call me that ever again,” I told him, then I clicked the text.

The purple balloon hammer suddenly began to squeak and squelch, while Brock made sounds that were too obscene to describe. The handle collapsed into the three-headed hammer portion, before the whole mess started to glow brightly and conform to some new shape. It was hard to see from the intense light it was giving off, but I had a vague idea of what it might be, as I saw how the outline of Brock morphed.

Suddenly the light died away, and by now I had attracted a lot of attention from the Players returning to the moss room, as well as from the ones already in here. Some seemed to realize I was the exact same person they had just driven out of here no more than ten minutes ago.

“Gambit, I don’t want to interrupt your fun, but Annabella and Birthday Boy just came back into the room.”

“It doesn’t matter,” I told him. I’d gotten the kills I needed, and though I thought they were both colossal assholes, I no longer needed to kill them to get what I wanted.

Bee had gotten to her feet though and was preparing to fight if it came down to it.

I looked down at Brock’s new shape.

“I feel weird, but in a good way. If it’s not too much to ask, I’d like to punch stuff.”

“Inspect,” I said again, looking at his new shape.

‘Brock’ x

A purple balloon gauntlet that makes a noise when it hits something.

This is a weapon created by evolving your max-leveled WEAPONLUTION gun. Wait… something isn’t right here. And what’s with these effects!?

Any punch with this glove has quadruple the impact damage and hits twice.

While this weapon is equipped, Purple is enabled.

You know, this is supposed to be a severely-nerfed version of your final weapon that changes according to your Class… but this is as strong as the weapon it was before… and why does it have a level option!?

Level 1

Kills remaining until Level 2: 10

Weight: 2.592 Pandas

Congratulations! You have unlocked an achievement! x

‘Uniquely Crafty’

Made a unique item.

Awarded for evolving your WEAPONLUTION weapon, even though the result is not supposed to be this powerful… We’ve been looking through the logs and everything seems to have been above board, but this weapon is clearly broken…

If it’s not too much to ask, could you please submit a Bug Report by using the ‘/bug’ vocal command?

Reward: ‘Fusion Gum’

A packet of gum landed in my right hand and I put it away in my inventory. Considering how powerful the last fusion ability had ended up, I wanted to save the next one for something special. Or maybe I’d use it to combine BIRTHDAY_SUIT and Reflective Shell…

“I know what you’re thinking,” Panda said, looking at me with a judgmental gaze. “And absolutely not! Don’t you dare fuse BIRTHDAY_SUIT with other abilities!”

“Am I really that transparent?”

“Yes.”

I sighed, then picked Brock up and slipped him onto my right hand. It was a bit unnerving how much it felt like I had just shoved my hand into a balloon animal, especially considering it was supposed to be a weapon. The fear of it popping the first time I tried to punch something was hard to shake.

Brock made a noise.

“Stop that,” I told him. “You’re making it really awkward.”

“Next time, warn me first!!”

“…Oh. Sorry. I guess I did just shove my hand in without asking for consent.”

“I forgive ya.”

“If you two are done, we’ve got ‘Witch Hunt 2: The Witch Huntening’ coming our way,” Panda warned.

I stood up and I rolled my shoulders. Immediately, Annabella and Steve, who’d been leading the group of shellshocked Players, froze in place. I didn’t blame them. Bee and I had basically wiped the floor with them last time.

“We come in peace!” I yelled in their direction.

“Fuck you, Gambit!” Annabella yelled back. She had a nasty stitch pattern around where Bee’s Bolt had hit her, but seemed mostly-recovered already.

“Hey, you attacked us first!” Bee yelled back. “We hadn’t even done anything to you!”

“…Ehhh,” Panda started.

“Yeah, that’s probably not true,” I said. “I mean, I beat up Hawaiian Shirt Guy a bit and I killed Annabella’s friend, although he was a Skinstealer, so I had no choice!”

Bee scoffed. “Whatever, that’s no reason to try and hurt me as well!”

I thought about it. “No, you’re right.”

“Fuck you, Steve!” I yelled back. “Your shirt sucks!”

“What the flip did I do!?”

“No one likes your shirt, Birthday Boy!” Bee joined in.

Panda tapped me in the side of the head. I hadn’t noticed him hopping onto my shoulder. “Can you two morons knock it off!? Do the thing you were planning to do Gambit, so we can go out in a blaze of glory as the Adjudicator liquifies us or whatever.”

“Fine,” I said, then grinned. “It’s time for a Mass Eviction!”

BAD CATCHPHRASE!

You have taken 1 point of damage.

The 1-point damage manifested itself as the feeling of being pinched on my thigh.

“Ow.”

Panda sighed, shaking his soft head.

“Dungeon-Break!” I then yelled, grabbing ahold of Bee’s right wrist, worried we might be separated again.

ACTIVATING DUNGEON MAP

Total Player number: 13660

Nearest Player: 1 yard

Total Enemy number: 399

Nearest Enemy: 780 yards

Nearest Boss: 418 yards

Nearest Exit: N/A

The map that popped up showed the room we were in as filled with golden dots, and only a few rooms away was a large red dot. It was fairly easy to guess that this was the new ‘boss’ added to the Event, and I was sure it was the Glitch Hunter. When I clicked on it for confirmation, the name did not appear and a second later the dot completely vanished.

I looked around, dreading the sound of the tearing rift in reality announcing his arrival, but it never came. Meanwhile, Annabella’s mob was slowly gathering their courage to go after us again.

Bee’s dot looked like a Player’s, unlike when I’d seen it earlier, so I guessed that invulnerable targets like what she’d been under Riii’s protection, showed up as grey dots, while those who worked for the Agencies didn’t show up at all.

“What are you waiting for!?” Panda said.

I gritted my teeth, expecting the System Message, as I clicked the ‘Eject All Players & Enemies’ button in the bottom of the map screen.

Ability Confirmation Required

You are about to utilize your Dungeon-Break ability to eject all Players and Enemies from the Dungeon, yourself included.

All Players will be returned to their previous locations in the Overworld, while Enemies, which do not have a previous location stored in memory, will be spread out amongst the Players’ locations.

The moment you accept you will be ejected.

Are you certain you wish to proceed?

YES ——— NO

I clicked ‘Yes’.

No announcement of an Adjudicator’s imminent arrival came.

Then I fell through the floor.

With a gasp, I appeared on the side of a street with Bee right next to me. Nearby were four Beetle Agents knelt in deep prayer, though there were no signs of the Minor Collectors. It seemed absurd that these guys had been waiting for us this whole time, but when I thought about it, maybe it wasn’t actually so far-fetched, since they seemed to know we’d be returning to this spot.

Before either of us could figure out a plan, a new announcer voice filled the air, while everything froze in place. It was a female voice like the first, which I belatedly realized had belonged to Riii, but this one sounded kind of bored and annoyed. Then again, she’d probably gone directly from making fun of people dying to having to make this service announcement.

Players of Castleburg and Madeville, as well as the environs that I won’t waste the time naming.

Due to unforeseen technical difficulties, you have all been ejected from the WEAPONLUTION EVENT 36 hours ahead of schedule.

This means that only four of you managed to actually complete the GAME EVENT and unlock the powerful rewards it gave.

The result is that not only are there now many more of you than expected, but the average Player level is also far below what was forecasted. This means that many of you will die from simply being too weak.

Enjoy your borrowed time.

Also, stay tuned for an update about the new changes that have taken place in your region.

These changes include Safe Zones, the Merchant and Coin system, the Benefactor and Quest system, as well as the newly-created Dungeons and Roaming Enemies & Bosses.

Oh, and I guess I might as well tell you the winners of the WEAPONLUTION EVENT:

#1 — ‘Samantha’

#2 — ‘Gambit’

#3 — ‘Logan Maximillian’

#4 — ‘Tina & Nina’

I forgot to mention:

From now on and until your world is nothing but a desolate wasteland full of monsters, every Player will have their own personal Eye-Spy Drone documenting their struggles.

The most entertaining deaths will go on our highlight reel, and if you end up on this, we may briefly resurrect you for a mandatory interview.

That’s all for now.