Life of Change

As quickly as I could I checked her body, I needed to know if she was still alive. No, she had to be alive. I was not going to let her go that easily.

A chair was lying on the floor, which she had used as a prop before...

I placed her back on the chair, hoping that having a place for support would buy me more time while I figured out how to get her down.

The knot around her neck seemed poorly made, it was as if she didn't know what she was doing in the first place. I suspected she had made the decision very suddenly.

Her skin still had some color, and, although her eyes were a little dull and saliva was coming out of her mouth, it looked like she had just passed out, giving me more than enough time to put her down.

I held the girl in my arms, trying to keep the rope from continuing to press on her neck and untie her in the process. At that instant, I heard several people running down the hallway. I breathed a sigh of relief, knowing that help had arrived.

Five of the mansion's guards arrived on the scene followed by Tina who seemed completely exhausted from running after them. They saw me and immediately 3 of them came over to help.

Two of them helped me hold her while, using a dagger provided by the third one, I cut the rope from above, freeing her. Ameli's full weight fell on me, but I managed to carry her thanks to the help of the guards who were supporting me. They helped me down from the chair and we placed the girl on the floor.

She was still breathing, but she was frail.

"You and you, go get a doctor quickly, the rest of you check the room, looking for any clues that might be here. Tina, with me."

"Ma'am!" responded two of the guards who immediately ran over. The rest began to search the room looking for anything she had left behind that might bring light to what had happened.

Anyone would think this was a suicide attempt, but, when you've lived for so long in an environment of powerful families, you realize that nothing is what it seems and that there is almost always some sort of ulterior motive or person in the shadows pulling the strings. Although I was sure nothing like that had happened here, it never hurt to make sure.

Tina, still out of breath, approached me awaiting instructions.

"What should I do?" asked Tina. Her face seemed determined to do whatever it took to help.

"For now, tell me, do you think she was bad enough to do this?" I asked, urging her with my voice.

"If I'm honest - it's precisely for this reason that I felt you needed to come and see her, Fiana," Tina replied, on the verge of tears. "She reminded me..." my friend hesitated, looking into my eyes with sadness and fear. Her hands were shaking profusely and her expression told me exactly what her words could not.

It was a reflection of what I did several years ago.

I felt a phantom pain in my own neck. I unconsciously brought a hand to that spot. It was almost as if I had returned to that moment. And it is for that very reason that I could not afford to lose this child.

In a short time, the physician had arrived and checked the girl and she was now out of danger, albeit with a large mark on her neck.

Relief washed over me knowing that all the girl needed now was rest.

I sat by her bedside, watching her sleep peacefully, thinking about what could have pushed her to that extreme. Was she like that from the beginning and was her inexhaustible energy something she used to protect her fragile heart? Or, had something happened to push her into that corner?

I had so many questions I wanted to ask her, but it was best to let her rest as much as she could.

I sighed and stood up, calling out to Tina as I headed for the door.

"For now, take care of her. If she wakes up, call me right away. I'll be back in the afternoon to check on her."

Tina just nodded, looking just as worried as before. She seemed to want to tell me something else, but I put a hand on her shoulder and gave her a reassuring smile, managing to calm her down.

I moved through the corridors of the mansion, making my rounds of inspection as I did every morning, completely unable to get the thought out of my head.

Tina's concern was right on the mark. This situation had certainly dredged up memories I did not wish to recall. I could barely concentrate on what I was doing, and by the time I was aware of my distraction, I was already on my way to my next destination.

I was working completely automatically as if someone else was directing my body while my mind was focused on another thing.

I can't believe this is happening just the day after I remembered Kalenia. Is it a coincidence, or is the Goddess putting me on some kind of trial?

I had arrived at the same place where I started my day. The desk still had all the papers and reports I had left in the morning. Documents that I had to review and either approve or reject.

I sat down in the chair and... just lost myself. My mind was not in the best state at the moment.

No, it wasn't until now. My mental state had already been deteriorating for a while. That day that Anven told us about Nita, the fact that Lana and Hal were keeping that kind of information from me, ignoring my authority over the servants and my right to know the status of one of my daughters.

Of course, we fought. I was furious, not only because they had kept all this from me, but because it had to do with our daughter's safety. What if, for whatever reason, I fed her something healthy or normal for any of us, but not for her? Without knowing it, I could end up poisoning my own daughter.

I refused to even share a bed with Lana for several days because of that. Even now I'm still somewhat upset, and I know they both know that.

But just when I thought things had calmed down, that we could spend a happy day as a family celebrating Dri's birthday... that woman had to show up and talk about my past.

I was a slave. I was. In the past. I had to tell myself that over and over again for years. That I wasn't anymore. That I had gotten out of that life a long time ago.

I had been taken from a home I couldn't even remember, separated from a family that in my mind no longer had faces or voices. For 20 years I was nothing and no one. Until, by fate or chance, I was bought by a girl little more than half my age.

She welcomed me as her maidservant. For the first time in my life, I was fed something other than leftovers and stale water. I had my own room with a bed and warm blankets. I was treated with dignity. At least as much as could be given to a servant. And, although I had to hide my race because of her mother's prejudice, I didn't mind, because during those years I was able to live.

And then... then we fell in love.

Although I say that, it was actually her pushing me to be together. Of course, I was aware of my feelings, and it took me a long time to accept her because of my self-loathing for being a former slave, but Lana was...IS a wonderful female.

During the years she attended the academy, we went through a lot. Friendships and feuds, crushes and troubles. Katarina, and then Hal. The Makila ritual. The wedding to Halfred. Times that are wonderful memories now, but still keep reminding me of what I was.

Both Lana and Hal accepted me wholeheartedly and helped me accept that part of my life. Although there were still times when it hurt, I could bear it and look forward.

Then came the first of our children. Losward. He was an adorable little boy. Curious, intelligent, and well-mannered. And then no more. And it will always be my fault.

When Losward turned 8 and was leaving his childhood behind, finding his independence, I began to feel... lonely. A desire to bring a child into the world on my own began to blossom within me. Lana noticed, and we talked about it.

We had options, to meet an Ankela, part of a race whose reproduction required 3 individuals and which was compatible with many other races. But it was not what I was looking for, because I was the one who wanted to bring the baby into the world.

The second option was to wait for my estrus period, and, praying to the pillars, be able to conceive using the method of the Atenosia, who were able to conceive between females thanks to their valah. However, the probability was almost non-existent as there were only rumors about Atenosia conceiving children with females of other races.

And the third was to ask Hal for help, but that option was immediately ruled out, as he flatly refused.

I could understand his viewpoint, and I agreed with him. Our relationship, while very good, and we treated each other like family; there was certainly no "love" between the two of us. I was, in short, his wife's wife, and under his own morals and way of thinking, doing something like that with me was as if he was cheating on her. There was, of course, explicit permission, but he still said no.

Which left us with the second option.

For several cycles, we kept trying, but no matter what we did, it never happened.

I felt depressed knowing that it had become an impossible task.

And that led me to make questionable decisions.

There was a rumor in the shadows of the capital that there was a method that helped 2 females, or even 2 males, to be able to conceive, even between incompatible races. It was known to have some risks, but it was the most effective method that existed. And I decided to investigate and use it.

It was a potion along with some kind of strange flesh-like material, which was used to temporarily replace the organs of the one who used it. It was dangerous because it could become permanent and even render the user infertile, but I was desperate. Much more than I would like to admit.

Lana warned me of the danger and was upset with me about it, but, after talking it over at length, we decided to give it a one-time shot. Of course, we took as many precautionary measures as we could.

Finally, that one attempt, that one night was enough to grant us that wish. I could tell when Lana came inside me. A primal instinct that filled me with joy.

The pregnancy was quite calm and pleasant and, as we were in our Baelan territory; out of the social season, I was able to bring it to term in complete privacy.

The baby was born healthy. A beautiful little Vulpan girl. My own breed. Her hair and fur are similar to mine but of a darker shade. If my fur was honey-colored, hers was more like amber. Her eyes were a lighter red than Lana's, something strange in newborns, since, as they grow, the mana in their bodies determines their color due to the different factors that influence their magical aptitude. That's why they are all born with different shades of gray, with few exceptions.

Seeing that little version of myself filled me with so much happiness that I simply could not contain it. I cried with happiness as I held her close to my chest and gave her first breastfeeding.

Those were happy days.

But they didn't last.

When the little girl was about to turn 6 months old, her health began to deteriorate. She cried and suffered from fever constantly. She ate very little and most of the time vomited everything. Her life had become one of being bedridden and being treated by doctors who had no idea what was ailing her.

Suddenly her condition worsened, and thanks to that we finally got the answer after much research. Apparently, because of the method we used, the hereditary traits of the Vulpen were more pronounced, both the good ones... and the bad ones. In my race, some diseases could be inherited in the offspring and sometimes skipped a few generations, as well as Lana's heart disease.

The news hit us all hard. And it was also the reason why Losward started to distance himself from us.

All our attention had been focused on Kalenia's care, striving to find a cure, or at least relief for her. Because of this, we ended up neglecting Losward a lot, especially me, who had been in charge of taking care of him and his education. I started to become more and more cold towards him, which ended up pushing him away, and not being as attached to Lana or Hal, turned him into someone very lonely and bitter.

Then it all got worse.

The physician who had disclosed the situation with Kalenia informed us that... there was nothing more that could be done. She only had a few days left and we had to prepare ourselves.

I did not take the news well. You could say I went completely crazy. I attacked him in a fit of rage. I had to be restrained by Hal to keep me from seriously hurting the physician. Losward, on the other hand, said something I simply couldn't stand. He said, "Finally that nuisance is going to disappear." I slapped him so hard that I knocked him unconscious. Lana yelled at me, Hal pushed me away and pulled me out of the place. Everything becomes a blur from there.

I don't remember much of those days, only that I spent all my time with Kalenia. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, I didn't move until the day she stopped breathing and the warmth in her body was gone.

I had never felt so... empty as I did that day.

From that moment on Losward stopped talking to us unless necessary. Lana and I stopped sleeping in the same room and I spent my days as if I were a walking corpse. Hal... tried to cheer me up several times, talked to me, tried to at least get me to talk. He was perhaps the one who was most patient in helping me. But no matter what he did, nothing worked.

I stopped eating and barely slept, to the point that I became seriously ill several times. And finally, I hit rock bottom.

*Knock knock knock*

"Fia?"

Lana's voice brought me back from my memories. I responded for her to come in, which she did immediately. The door opened revealing the woman I loved, wearing one of her long white dresses, highlighting her beautiful black hair and vibrant red eyes. Her face showed a worried expression.

She was carrying Nita in her arms. She had put her in one of those frilly dresses that Lana loved so much; and apparently, the little girl did too, as she always looked cheerful when wearing them.

"I heard what happened, is the girl all right?" she asked, as she approached the desk.

I sighed as I stood up. I walked over to her and planted a kiss on her lips, hugging them both. Lana was a little surprised by my action, but remained silent, something I was grateful for.

"She's fine for now. She should be resting while Tina watches her." I replied, not wanting to pull away from her. Nita wrapped her arms around my head, rubbing her cheeks in my hair, making me laugh. I gave her a soft kiss on her forehead and then took her in my arms.

Lana kept her worried expression. She took one of my hands and guided me to the side, where the only couch in the room was.

"And are you okay?" asked Lana looking me straight in the eyes. I had to look away because I knew I wasn't.

I didn't answer her, but I didn't need to, she knew that.

She wrapped her arms around me, placing my head on her shoulder. She said nothing and just stroked my arm slowly. Nita, in my arms, played with my hands, playing innocently, ignorant of the worries of us adults.

We spent some time in comfortable silence until I finally decided to speak.

"I ended up remembering it," I said, moving closer to Lana. She only responded with a soft "I see" and prompted me to continue. "I saw myself in that girl, and I couldn't help but relive everything that happened with Kalenia."

Lana nodded, saying nothing. I felt my chest tighten. I opened my mouth to continue, but the words wouldn't come out. I brought my hand to my neck and felt that phantom pain again. I closed my eyes as I tried to regain control of my mind and get away from those turbulent memories.

Suddenly, I felt a small hand resting on my cheek. When I opened my eyes again, Nita was looking at me... worried. A clear expression of concern was painted on her face. And then I felt ashamed of myself for provoking such an expression in such a little girl.

"I'm sorry, my little Mishka, I'm sorry," I whispered to her as I hugged her. I couldn't afford to show such a pathetic side of myself, not when I was supposed to be over all of this.

After a few minutes, I pulled myself together and stood up, leaving Nita with Lana, and headed to my desk to finish my work. Sitting around moping about something that had already happened wasn't going to help me at all, much less resolve what Ameli had done.

Lana smiled at me and nodded as if she knew exactly what I was thinking. Thanks to that I felt much better.

In the afternoon, with everything finished, I headed back to Ameli's room to check on her. Lana had some things to do, so she left me with Nita, who now seemed strangely quiet. I was a little worried about her, but if I tried to leave her in someone else's care, she would cling to my clothes tightly and not let me go, so I ended up taking her with me.

When we arrived, the girl was still asleep. Her skin tone had improved a lot, and even the marks on her neck were mostly gone. Her breathing seemed more relaxed, a real relief.

Tina was sitting in a chair next to the bed, knitting as she did whenever she had free time. She said it relaxed her, as it reminded her of the time when she lived with her great-grandmother.

"How's it going?" I asked as soon as I approached her. Tina lifted her face from her knitting and gave me a sad smile.

"No change. At least she seems to be sleeping peacefully now." She said, as she turned her gaze to the girl on the bed and put aside needles and threads. "I just hope that... No, we should definitely help her."

"I think so too." I nodded in agreement. "Why don't you take a break? You should go get something to eat."

"No, I..."

"Tina." I interrupted her before she could say anything else." Go, that's an order. You haven't eaten anything all day, and being here won't change anything. Besides, I'm already here, don't worry."

She remained thoughtful for a moment before finally nodding. She thanked me and asked me to let her know if the girl woke up. I agreed and, taking one last look, she left.

As I was about to sit up, Nita started squirming and spluttering, wanting to get out of my grip.

"What's wrong Nita?" I questioned, but she kept squirming to get away, babbling louder. "Shh, Nita! Keep your voice down!" I scolded her, but could only get her to stop making noise.

No matter what I did she still stubbornly wanted to get out of my arms. Until she stopped when I asked her, "Do you want to be in bed?" she turned to me and nodded fiercely. I was immediately taken aback, and although I had a lot of questions in my head, I answered her with a resounding no. I wasn't going to let her disturb her rest. Nita was silent, as if she couldn't believe I refused her, and immediately went back to squirming, trying to free herself. I couldn't believe how stubborn she was being. She was the calmest, most obedient little girl I had ever known, so it was a complete shock to see her act that way. We struggled for a long time until I finally sat her on the bed and stared at her. "Nita, I don't know why you want to be in bed, but Ameli is very tired. I can't let you stay there; she needs to rest. Do you understand that?" I said, and she surprisingly nodded, leaving me quite unsettled. It was baffling that a girl her age could understand me so well. "If you understand that, why do you want to be there?"

Nita turned to the sleeping girl, looking at her for a moment, and then back to me, this time with the same expression of genuine concern she had given me earlier. Her eyes were pleading with me to let her be by her side as if she were scared to leave her alone.

And that's when I understood. Nita was just as worried as I was, maybe much more. But why, how could a child who was not even a year old understand what was happening, let alone show that level of concern? I felt her hand on mine, her gaze was pleading, begging me to let her do what she was asking me to do.

I ended up giving in to that expression. I couldn't do anything against her, but, I also did it out of curiosity. Sometimes, at very specific moments, I could sense both in her eyes and her actions, that Nita had flashes of... reason. She seemed much smarter than any child her age...even more than much older than her. And that curiosity to know what motivated her to act this way is what made me give in to her wishes.

"*sigh* All right, but promise me you're not going to do anything to upset her, got it?"

Nita nodded just once, with a seriousness that didn't go at all with her age and appearance. I stepped back and let her do what she wanted, though I was worried if I had made the right decision.

The little girl crawled over to Ameli and... just stared at her for a long moment. Just that. Confused, I tried to call out to her, but that's when she did something that left me even more surprised. She seemed to notice the marks on her neck and was about to bring her hand towards them, but, just as I was about to stop her, she did it herself. She stopped her hand and retracted it to her chest. Immediately I heard a slight sob. Nita had begun to cry.

I didn't know how to react. What was going on, how could she...? Then, to add more surprises, the hand that she hesitated to reach out to Ameli, brought it to her head and began to stroke her hair gently, like... it was as if she was trying to comfort her.

I fell back in my chair completely lost. What had happened to my daughter? I...

The sound of my falling made her turn around, and I saw something that broke my heart. Her tear-streaked face was distorted in an expression of so much pain that I honestly couldn't bear to see. Nita took one last look at the sleeping girl and crawled back to me, raising her arms, and asking me to pick her up. I didn't hesitate for a second to bring her to me, and she snuggled into my chest, crying silently.

Seriously, what was going on?