Isekai Speedrun

Thiefmaster realized immediately that something was wrong. He tried to jump backwards, but Sorry Man’s arms moved faster.

No one could actually follow the glitched movement of his arms, they just saw the end result.

Instead of opening his mouth and/or killing himself, Sorry Man’s character model flipped out like an articulated ragdoll and his arms moved like a high-speed industrial assembly line robot, chopping Thiefmaster’s body in half. It was almost like scissors suddenly cutting a tense, tightly coiled wire.

The hypnotic command had splendidly backfired. The upper half of Thiefmaster's body, above waist, flew toward north like a clown shot from a cannon, and his lower half, hips and legs, flew similarly in the opposite direction.

“What...?” (Thiefmaster)

Thiefmaster – his torso still flying in air – tried to take aim and shoot me as his final action, but Mirim was faster. She shot off Thiefmaster’s hand with her Vampire rifle before his torso hit the ground near the treeline.

Thanks, Mirim. You saved me a few pebbles.

Despite being cut in half and seeing his internal organs spilling out, Thiefmaster still laughed like the maniac he was.

“Snakes borrowing the power of a dragon… But you’re not the only ones who send letters! Hahaha...!” (Thiefmaster)

Those were the last words Thiefmaster was able to force out of his mouth. His eyes went wide and he died.

We already knew about the letters. Sorry to ruin your final dramatic reveal.

Thiefmaster’s lower half ended up hitting the roof of the toolshed and bounced somewhere in the south side forest. Someone should check that later, he probably keeps poisoned blades on his boots.

Boss vs boss fight over.

Winner: Sorry Man.

Sorry Man’s glitched arms stopped and dropped down to his sides. He returned to his sleepwalker state.

Casualties on our side: T-Sub, Koslem, Toppar, Cleaner, and a few others.

Better ratio than the 10+ people who died in the anime.

“Dragon’s Head Sorry Man! Dragon’s Head Sorry Man!” (students)

The orphanage school students lost their minds. They leaned out of the windows and ran out of the bushes, chanting and cheering in various ways. Young students on the second floor threw their beddings on the front yard, a few third floor students climbed triumphantly on the roof while waving their homemade bluebird flags.

Okay. Let's declare it.

“The winner of the duel is Dragon's Head Sorry Man! This is the true power of friendship! Geegees!”
“Gee-gee ee-zee! Gee-gee ee-zee!” (students)

Well, they had finally seen their Great Leader in flesh and witnessed his awesome power. The mysterious grand elder dragon of the Revolution Movement had ripped an enemy in half with his bare hands like a slice of wet bread.

There was no doubt in anyone’s minds anymore that the Revolution Movement stood at the peak of the Mu-Ur world.

I wanted to say something else to the students, but they kept celebrating and shouting wildly. Let’s wait a bit until they calm down.

“Hey Crys, when you gave the order to stop all messengers from leaving the isthmus–”
“It is as planned. The last obstacle has been cleared.” (Crys)

Oh, look at our boy Crys here. Still pretending like he planned everything perfectly.

Kimono walked past me with a smug grin on her face. She went to loot Thiefmaster’s corpse.

“Kim-chan, those are my revolvers, could you grab them for me?”
“Get them yourself.” (Kimono)

What about Rain? She was smiling, clearly immensely pleased with the result. The heavy rain was subsiding and turning into a gentle shower.

I'm glad it went well. It took a major improv re-route, but I was able to navigate Thiefmaster’s dialogue options and manipulate him into one versus one. After that hardest part was done, everything went pretty much as expected – a small possibility with a big payoff is all it takes for Thiefmaster to pull the slot machine lever.

While I collected and checked my revolvers, Magic Word and Snowstone appeared out of the spiny-branched bushes.

“Yo, Word and Snow. Camping in the bushes, huh? As expected from our local comedy duo.”
“Weird and absurd bluff. Was this all a show for us? Is this what you bastards wanted us to see?” (Word)
“Brother, you can't talk to teachers so rudely!” (Snow)
“Shut up. How did he move his hands so fast? Is that the secret of his power?” (Word)
“Oh, you want to know? It’s because he’s a two-dimensional character who came here from a painting. Unlike this well-rounded me, who came through a three-dimensional depiction of this world, he can do two-dimensional moves. It’s all about the difference in bit depth.”
“Don't joke with me! What the hell are you talking about?!” (Word)
“Brother, stop! You are being rude!” (Snow)
“No need to get angry. I’m simply answering you question, young padawan. It might sound like gibberish to you, but if you study hard, maybe you’ll understand one day.”
“You’re making fun of me, old man!” (Word)
“Brother!” (Snow)
“It’s okay, Snow. I’m certainly old compared to everyone else here. But have you ever heard the saying ‘beware an old man in a profession where men die young’?”
“Old bastards deserve to be kicked in th– AGUH!” (Word)

Snowstone kicked his brother, toppled him and jumped on top of him. Then she repeatedly slapped his face.

“Stupid bro-bro! Don’t call teachers old or stupid or bastards! You’re the stupid one, stupid!” (Snow)
“It's okay, Snow, I know Word is a tsundere. Young people are often arrogant and think they know and understand everything.”
“Teacher Speedrun, brother told us to escape in the forest in the backyard and leave the first years behind as sacrifices! Isn’t he terrible?!” (Snow)
“No, that’s okay too. That was certainly a rational decision. Orderly evacuation and tactical retreat was a correct decision in these circumstances. I mean, you don’t need to run faster than the bear, you just need to run faster than the slower runners, isn’t that right, Word?”
“Teacher?! You’re complimenting brother for running away?!” (Snow)
“Well, considering the circumstances.”
“Eeh?! Has Wordy-Word achieved a great deed?! Will he become a full member now?!” (Snow)
“Let’s not jump to weird conclusions.”

These two, Word and Snow, were troublemakers in the OG timeline as well, but they were also experts at surviving dangerous situations with improvised schemes. If you sent them on a mission, they either found some outlandish way to complete it without putting themselves on the harm’s way, or they found a way to get off the hook.

In the anime, they were the only students who survived the final battle at Reignland. They made the correct judgment that the final attack would ultimately fail and kept a position that allowed them to escape from the Death Squads quickly. They were like nerfed versions of Crys and Kimono.

I took another look around. Rain was leading Sorry Man back in the car like a bodyguard escorting a president.

Can’t keep the big boss man in the rain too long, he might catch a cold.

Crys and Kimono took care of Thiefmaster’s two-body problem... Wait, Kimono, are you cutting Thiefmaster’s scalp – oh-kay, I didn’t need to see his bare skull.

Always branding, this Crys guy. He’s gonna do the same thing he did after a previous mid-boss: parade Thiefmaster’s head on a stick on the vehicle hood like a diplomatic flag.

Younger students started trickling outside with umbrellas and rain cloaks to greet us – well, they didn’t greet all of us, they mostly approached me or gathered around Mirim like asking for autographs from an idol. They kept a respectful distance to Crys and Kimono; they knew those two were like strictest principals ready to deal corporal punishment at the drop of a hat. Me and Mirim were the cool, laid-back teachers who played Capture the Flag with students in the forest (although I was usually a referee instead of a player).

I guess it's up to me to sum up today’s educational content.

“Homeschoolers, gather around the flagstaff! I’m about to drop some deep lore!”
”Mad Seer Speedrun! Like and subscribe!” (students)
”Share. Everyone alright? Bad guy didn’t cause any permanent damage? You remember what I talked about debrief and aftercare, right? Talk to each other about what happened today and process the events so that you don't get lasting traumas. We don’t have any experts in trauma therapy around, so if you see any nightmares or don’t feel safe in the house anymore, remember that it’s okay to have those feelings, you can deal with what happened at your own pace. You can learn to cope with it. Okay?”
“Share! Share!” (students)
“Dragon’s Head is strong! That chop-chop was incredible!” (Siren)

While the students kept cheering, Magic Word got back on his feet and continued to throw random insults while circling the crowd, still trying to evade Snow’s kicks and punches.

“Old man Speedrun isn’t skilled at all, why are you talking to him? He’s just number seven in the ranking, he said it himself!” (Word)
“Stupid Word, stupid, stupid...!” (Snow)
“Ah, youngsters nowadays, they have no respect for their elders. Well, positive feedback only leads to instability, you need negative comments to stay grounded. Feelings of anger is one way to process what happened, Word, but you should maybe find alternatives, more constructive ways.”
“Seer Speedrun, are you really the weakest founder?” (Skywolf)
“Well, I don't know. I’m just a band manager, basically. I book the venues and handle the backstage stuff. Those other guys are the real artists on stage. But I also choose the tour crew, so let me give you all a protip: be at your best behavior, or you might get shadowbanned. Mods can cancel you with one click and you won’t even know. Hey, Magic Word, want to see a trick? Do you know what time it is?”

I threw one of the secret hand signals of Magic Word’s and Snowstone’s previous gang.

Magic Word and Snowstone stopped and answered to my argot. They had never used this sign with outsiders. They looked at each other, probably thinking which one had told me.

“I didn't learn this from either of you, I saw it with my Elf Eyes in the future. The world is full of mysterious things, kids, and we’re here to ponder them together. You still have a lot to grok. Like, there’s no objective truth or goodness when it comes to works of art, but that doesn’t mean every subjective judgment is equal either. Some subjective interpretations fit better than others and those are the things we call canon lore. Magic Word here acts like he doesn’t care, but he remembers. He keeps a little red notebook about everyone.”
”Who told you about that?!” (Word)
”I know many of you still don’t believe that I came from the future, so it’s okay to go with the simplest explanation and say I’m just a skilled trickster. Generally speaking, that's the correct attitude to have. You should always keep a skeptical attitude and question authorities. That attitude kept many of you alive back when they came to recruit you to Caliphate’s slave army, at least in the future where I came from. However, learning the background lore of the world is very useful, even if you don’t agree with it, or even when it seems trashy and stupid, because there are lot of stupid people out there who actually believe that trash. Many of those stupid people who believe in trash hold high positions of power, so you need to know what makes them tick. Isn’t that right, Word?”
“I do not lower myself on the level of stupid people!” (Word)
“I know it feels icky, but unfortunately many of those stupid people have more gun than you, and they will gladly pull you down to their level to murder you. Knowledge is an overpowered skill, but being a smart sorter doesn’t mean much if your data is trash. Even if you just want to run casually and stream ad hoc, knowing the lore gives you more stuff to commentate on. History and geography give you an edge over those who only know here and now…”

Ah, crap. I completely launched into my ranty streaming mode again while just trying to make sure they're physically and mentally okay. They’re quickly losing interest, viewer count is dropping.

“...Anyway, that’s the end of today’s edgy lecture! Sorry to single you out again, Word, don’t take what I said personally. You’re a good hedgehog under all those spines. Mic drop! Like and subscribe!”

I got approving hoorays for my impromptu speech. Some students started forming a craggy queue in front of me because they wanted high fives or fist bumps. I usually did these after class.

“Share! Share! Share!” (students)

Yeah, these are my droogs. My followers, my meticulously chosen NPC sidekicks. Everyone’s on the right track. The kids are alright.

And then, in the middle of the cheering crowd, Crys walked next to me. The students made space and quieted down immediately.

Crys raised his voice and dropped a figurative bomb:

“Hear me, children of the revolution! Dragon’s Head Sorry Man has made his will known through his actions! Warriors, the time to lunge a spear into the heart of Reignland has come! The time to slaughter the vile nobles of the Palace of the Sun is now! The time of the great war has come, and the best soldiers are the ones who leaves the most death and destruction behind! Prepare your weapons, warriors! The long march to Reignland starts today!” (Crys)

The students lost their minds again.