Inescapable Escapism

My head was spinning. The teacher, Rodgers, spoke in such a relaxed way, as if he was just chatting with friends, but the things he was saying filled me with anxiety and confusion. The whole point of the class was to give us information about the world and about how things worked with the Academy. To fill us in on some of the things that we are lied to about in real life.

Like the fact that there are supposedly spies everywhere. He kept saying that. Apparently, it’s just a thing that happens. Some of the spies aren’t even in important places though, some of them are just… there. Like, he told us about the first mission he went on as a kid. That one was dealing with corporate espionage, which is a thing I had never heard of.

I mean, companies had to be aware of it though because people sell their secrets all the time, he said. But it wasn’t even like big companies or huge secrets. The mission Rodgers was sent on was at a car dealership! That didn’t feel right to me. It just felt so trivial. He’d laughed about it and said that the case had spiralled and become something international but that it wasn’t a matter of national security or anything, just protecting assets but I had no idea what that meant.

It made me a little uneasy. Like, he said that you should never trust anyone who hasn’t had a comprehensive background check done on them and even then, maybe you shouldn’t trust them because things get forged or missed all the time. And apparently, sometimes people don’t even know that they’re spies. Or, like, they don’t know the extent to what they’re doing and they think it’s just something innocent but actually, it’s not.

That’s what happened in Rodgers’ assignment. He said that one of the guys working there thought that he was selling client information, that there wasn’t anything more to it than that, but it was bad. He didn’t really go into more detail than that and shrugged it off when we asked him but I had no clue what could have happened. Selling client information seemed pretty bad though. Like, surely that was their addresses and bank details and stuff? That shouldn’t be sold.

“The mac and cheese,” Jackie said as she placed the giant plate in front of me, jolting me out of my fantasy. “And the fish and chips. Is there anything else I can get you guys? Any sauces?”

“Just some vinegar,” my mom said.

“Of course, I’ll grab that for you now.”

I watched as Jackie walked away, my mind still stuck on everything that Rodgers had told us. He was still talking. The class was almost over but he was still answering questions.

“That cannot be one serving,” my mom said, staring at my plate.

I looked down at it slowly. It was big. There was a lot of pasta, covered by a deliciously crisp golden brown crumb. The smell alone was enough to make my mouth water and I couldn’t wait to eat it.

Ignoring my mom, I grabbed my fork and speared some of the pasta through the crumb, bringing it to my mouth. It was steaming heavily and burnt my tongue as I ate it but I didn’t care, it was too delicious. The sauce was perfectly creamy yet sharp from the cheese and there was a slight bite to it. I examined my food as I chewed. There were specks of red in the topping. Chilli flakes.

“There you go,” Jackie said as she slid the bottle of vinegar onto the table. “Is there anything else that I can get you two?”

“No, thank you,” I said, as I swallowed my mouthful and speared even more pasta onto my fork.

“Great! Enjoy your meal!”

I smiled at her before continuing to eat. I could half hear Rodgers talking in the other world but I didn’t really want to return. The food was just too good and I didn’t want to miss out on it like I had with the halloumi.

My mom started eating too, watching me with a slight sneer on her face.

“You’re going to get indigestion if you keep eating like that. Honestly, it looks like you haven’t eaten in days!” she told me with a heavy sigh.

I ignored her, letting silence settle around us. Unfortunately, that meant that I was left alone with my thoughts. Normally, I didn’t enjoy that. My mind spiralled too quickly, too easily. It jumped about, went to depressing places and stayed there, wallowing.

But not during that meal. The thing that Rodgers had said about there being spies everywhere stayed with me and I found myself eyeing the other people in the restaurant carefully. We were in a small town in Scotland, not far from the border. There was nothing interesting around, as far as I was aware, which made me assume that there would be no need to have any spies there but… Rodgers had said that it was good to have spies in inconspicuous places.

Apparently, some agents are assigned to a place, to a town or village, to keep an eye on a problem or a potential counteragent. That happens a lot, he said. Like, apparently the most boring and ordinary people make the best spies. The ones who you don’t really pay attention to because then they can get away with more. Maybe that did mean that there could be spies there.

It would make sense, kind of. I mean, there were a few big cities not too far away as well. They could be stationed here to keep an eye on something in those. Removed enough to not be suspicious but still ready to act if needed.

My eyebrows started to draw together. I wasn’t sure where the thought came from but it made me suddenly think of my dad. He fit the description, even though that realisation made me feel a little bad. He could be a spy. I mean, it would explain why he was with my mom. She was a good cover and I doubted that she’d ever look into it too much. I mean, she was too self-absorbed, she wouldn’t notice anything suspicious that he was doing.

And, his job kind of matched the description too. I didn’t even know what he did. He worked in an office, doing something in HR, maybe? I felt bad when I realised that I didn’t actually know. He didn’t talk about his job ever, I just knew the name of the company that he worked for.

My hand twitched around my fork as I fought the urge to reach out for my phone and google it. Would his job title be on the website? Probably. I mean, it would make sense for it to be there. But then, even if he had a really basic job title, would that answer my question? Probably not. I mean, if he was a spy, which I knew he wasn’t, they would have gone to the effort of doing that, surely.

No, I was just overthinking it. I was searching for anything, something that would make me feel better about him and how miserable it must be to be married to my mom. They weren’t happy together, that much was obvious. She didn’t love him and he couldn’t love her. At least, if he was a spy, he’d probably have some source of happiness or fulfilment. Or maybe the marriage would have an end at some point. It would be easier because he’d know he wouldn’t have to be with her forever.

He didn’t have to be though. He could divorce her. I knew people with divorced parents. Phoebe’s mom was divorced. I didn’t know much about her birth father but she said he was kind of awful. Her stepdad is great though. So maybe if my dad divorced my mom, he’d be happier. He could find someone like her stepdad who’s nice and who actually loves them both.

Guilt washed through me and I looked at my mom again. I felt horrible for thinking about my parents like that. I was almost wishing that they got a divorce and that felt so wrong but I just knew that they’d both be happier if they did that. She wouldn’t have him to complain about all of the time and he could go and find someone better suited to him.

But then what would happen to her? She always needed something to complain about, she always found something. Dad was her go-to topic but if they were divorced, surely she wouldn’t be able to do that anymore. Then what? And how would she live? She doesn’t work and I was pretty sure that Dad paid for everything. What would happen to her if they broke up?

My stomach churned. I felt so bad for even thinking about it, as if I’d somehow tempted fate by doing so. Part of me longed for it to happen because I knew how much better and happier my dad and I would be but, on the other hand, I knew it was selfish. Mom needed it, she needed us.

“How’s your food?” I asked her, trying to keep the guilt from my face.

I wasn’t sure if it worked though because my mom eyed me suspiciously.

“Fine,” she said.

There was a pause and I didn’t know what to say. She wasn’t doing anything to keep the conversation going but then I wasn’t helping either. Guilt kept me in that world though. I wanted to leave but I also felt like I needed to make up for what I had thought somehow. She wouldn’t know about it, she couldn’t read my mind, but I still felt bad. I shouldn’t have thoughts like that, not about my mom.

I looked down, spearing another forkful of pasta and bringing it to my mouth. I wanted to stay in reality, I did, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Luckily, the gentle pealing of a bell sounded in the other world, pulling me back it.

“Oh,” Rodgers said, looking up at the clock on the wall. “That went quicker than I expected! Alright, you lot should probably be off. What do you have next?”

He looked around at us, expecting someone to shout out the answer. I wanted to be the one to do it but I couldn’t remember. My hand was halfway to my pocket, reaching for the folded timetable I’d shoved in there earlier.

“Fitness,” Abbie said from beside me.

Rodgers’ face broke out into a grin.

“Oh man,” he sighed. “I’m jealous. Does everyone have that next?”

The room was filled with rustling as people reached into pockets to find their timetables. I grabbed mine and read it quickly.

“I have self-defence,” someone said.

“Me too!”

“What do you have?” Katie whispered, leaning towards me so that she could see my timetable. “Oh, okay, good. I have fitness now too.”

I smiled at her but Rodgers continued talking before I could reply.

“Self-defence is fun too!” he said enthusiastically. “Oh, damn. I was meant to run through all the standard lessons today…”

Panic started to rise in me and I glanced across at Abbie who looked worried too before looking at Katie. She simply lifted one shoulder in a shrug. There wasn’t much point in being concerned about it, not really. I mean, it wouldn’t help or change anything.

The realisation didn’t really make me feel any better, however. I tried to force myself to relax, to remind myself that Rodgers was the teacher, kind of. It was up to him to teach us stuff.

“Okay, I can run through everything really quick now and then you can run to your next classes or you can read about it all in your folders at lunch. Which would you prefer?” he asked, looking around at us.

I longed to speak, to ask him to tell us now rather than make us wait, but the idea of potentially being late for our next class worried me. I didn’t like being late to any class but it felt different at the Academy. I actually wanted to be there and wanted to learn. I wasn’t just going because I didn’t want to be at home or to get into trouble.

“Tell us now?” someone requested hesitantly from the back of the classroom.

Rodgers paused, cocking his head.

“Oh wait, there’s a better solution. God, I’m such a dumbass, why didn’t I think of it before?” he asked himself before pushing away from the desk and wobbling slightly. “The self-defence and fitness classrooms are close enough together. I’ll walk you all there and run through it as we go. How does that sound?”

He looked around but no one answered him and after a brief moment of silence, he shrugged. I watched as he began limping towards the door before realising what he had said and that we were meant to follow him. Abbie jumped up a moment before I did, Katie following a millisecond later and we rushed out of the door towards him.

“Oh, good. I thought I was going to be walking by myself,” he said with a grin as he looked back at us.

For a moment, I couldn’t speak. I wasn’t sure why but my mouth felt like it wasn’t connected to my brain. He was so attractive, so cool looking, and he was looking right at me. He was talking to me. It was because he was our teacher, nothing more than that and I knew it, but I still couldn’t make myself reply. I felt almost starstruck. It was a miracle that I didn’t trip over but luckily we were walking slowly because of Rodgers.

“Sorry,” Abbie said quickly.

“Not a worry,” Rodgers reassured her. “I know I kind of sprung that on you all.”

He looked away from her, glancing back down the corridor. The rest of the class had caught up with us and were watching Rodgers expectantly. He didn’t speak just yet though. Instead, he was looking around the corridor with a wistful smile on his face.

“All done?” I heard Jackie ask in real life and I felt my lips move as I replied but the sound didn’t touch my ears.

Briefly, confusion washed over me. It felt like no time had passed but it must have if I was finished eating.

“Okay, where to start?” Rodgers muttered, causing people to edge closer towards him so that they could hear him. “I mean, most of your classes are fairly self-explanatory. I mean, you have self-defence and fitness, of course, firearms, general weaponry, botany, basic first aid, tech, and usual lessons. You know, maths, English, sciences, geography, languages, psychology, forensics and that kind of thing.”

“Um,” Abbie started hesitantly. “Why do we have botany? I mean, I don’t get why that’s useful for us.”

Rodgers grinned at her.

“Oh, just wait. It’s so useful and you lot have Charlie teaching so it’s going to be awesome. He’ll teach you all about how to use plants for things like medicine and poisons and honestly, that’s always useful,” Rodgers told us. “I mean, I can’t even count the number of times I’ve used the sh… knowledge I picked up from Charlie. In missions and during wilderness weekends! Sometimes you can’t have weapons so it’s always good to know how to protect yourself with what you have around you because it’s pretty rare that you won’t have access to any plants!”

“Wait, what’s wilderness weekend?” Katie asked.

A mischievous look came over Rodgers’ face but he hid it quickly.

“It’s the best opportunity to get house points. Every few months, the Academy hosts an event for all of the active students. Heartbreakingly, I’ve aged out now but as an interim teacher, I still get to participate. Even if it is behind the scenes,” he said with an exaggerated pout. “It’s generally in a different place each time but there are some repeats. Basically, you all get dropped into a location in teams and you have to… neutralise the other teams and whoever wins gets the most house points. Of course, if you come across a team from your house, you’re meant to take them out too but… you’ll see how that goes.”

He laughed but no one else joined in. I wanted to but the way he said neutralise scared me. It sounded eerily close to kill. But then surely, they wouldn’t expect us to kill people here, would they? Not other kids, right?

“What do you mean neutralise?” someone behind me asked, clearly worrying the same thing that I was.

Rodgers laughed again.

“Oh, it’s nothing scary! You just need to incapacitate them in some way but you’re not meant to do anything fatal or permanent,” he told us, clearly meaning for his words to be reassuring. “That’s what happened to my leg the first time, actually! We had a weekend in Maine and there were some old traps around that another team utilised to their advantage. I was pissed at the time but… I mean, it was a smart idea.”

He shook his head and stopped outside a classroom suddenly, reaching out to knock on the door. I stopped too, feeling someone walk into me and mutter an apology. Rodgers hadn’t started walking again, he was just looking at the door and waiting for it to open.

After a moment, it did. A tall man opened the door, his expression glowering. I was immediately intimidated by him. He was dressed all in black but his muscles could be seen clearly through the fabric, even though he was probably as old as my dad. I could already tell that he was powerful and that scared me.

“Rodgers?” he said, his face breaking into a huge smile that seemed at odds with his appearance. “Someone told me you were on Induction duty, I didn’t quite believe it!”

Rodgers laughed as the man hugged him, returning the embrace.

“I know,” he said. “I couldn’t believe the order either but you know what she’s like. You can’t exactly say ‘no thank you, I’ll stay in the field actually’.”

The other teacher pulled back, an incredulous but entertained look on his face.

“Oh my God,” he chuckled. “You tried it, didn’t you?”

Rodgers winced and lifted a hand to rub the back of his neck.

“I mean… in my defence, I thought it was worth a try?”

The other man exploded into laughter, clutching the door frame to stay upright as he howled.

“You actually did!” he cried through his laughter.

Rodgers shot him an unamused look but his lips were twitchy.

“Alright, shut up,” Rodgers said before looking back at us. “Those of you who have self-defence, get in there and start warming up.”

He stepped back so that people could start filtering into the room. I stood back, waiting awkwardly and watching the older teacher as he wiped his eyes, still grinning wildly.

“Oh, that has made my day,” he said with a chuckle causing Rodgers to glare at him.

“You still struggling with your shoulder?” Rodgers asked, the question coming out of nowhere.

The teacher’s eyes narrowed.

“It comes and goes,” he said suspiciously.

“Great,” Rodgers said with a grin. “Left side?”

“Why?”

“Oh, no reason,” Rodgers replied in an overly innocent tone that was ruined by his wicked smirk. “Is it bad at the moment?”

The teacher cocked his head.

“I don’t think I want to answer that,” he said.

Rodgers’ smile only grew.

“Kids!” he called to the half of the class who had walked into the large mirror-lined room. “Make sure you aim for Nick’s left shoulder. It pops out easy and I have fifty bucks for anyone who manages it today.”

The other teacher laughed and punched Rodgers lightly on the arm.

“You have not changed since you were a newbie here,” the teacher told him.

“That’s a lie and you know it,” Rodgers snorted.

“Alright, fair,” the other teacher allowed. “You’ve changed in the worst way possible.”

His smile told me that was a compliment but the bell rang again, the sound more demanding that time.

“Ah, I need to get this lot to class,” Rodgers said, gesturing to us with his thumb. “You going to be in the lounge later?”

“Yeah, I’ll see you there,” the man said before smiling at him and disappearing into the room.

The door swung shut behind him and Rodgers started limping down the corridor again.

“You know, if I knew Nick was going to be here, I would have been less annoyed about being assigned here,” he told us. “That man is built like a truck and genuinely quite terrifying but he’s a big teddy bear really!”

I wanted to believe him but I couldn’t quite manage it. He was too big, too scary. I don’t think the others trusted Rodgers’ reassurance either because no one spoke until we stopped at the next set of doors and I realised that I knew where we were. We’d seen the room yesterday, it was the gym. A slight smile came over my face. I was going to get to use the equipment, play around with it all. I couldn’t wait.

“Alright, this is yours. In you go, I assume Jenna’s late but she’ll be here soon. Don’t do anything dumb until she gets here!”