Inescapable Escapism

“Alright,” the man said, having finally stopped laughing. “Come and get your pins!”

There was a brief moment of silence where no one moved before we stood, almost as one. My gaze was fixed on the unassuming envelopes as I walked towards them. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest, anxiety racing through me so uncontrollably that my knees felt weak and my hands were sweaty.

What would happen if my name wasn’t there? Surely, it had to be. My name was on the dorm room door, Ms Brice knew so much about me and she had come to my house. There were documents with my name on.

But still, I was scared. Would I be kicked out? Sent home? I felt like the fantasy was just beginning to get good, just beginning to grip me and make me wish it was real. I wasn’t ready for it to be over. Not yet.

We didn’t speak as we approached the table and we moved slowly. I think that everyone had the same fears that I did, we were all scared of losing this wonderful chance at life and being sent back to whatever hellscape we’d been taken from. I hesitated, lingering back to let other people go before me. It wasn’t how I should be acting, I wanted to be confident here, but I couldn’t bring myself to push to the front.

It didn’t really matter though. Before long, there was an empty space in front of me. Too many people were reluctant to find out their fate and I had no excuse not to step forwards and approach the table.

“Oh, phew,” Katie muttered under her breath from beside me as she grabbed an envelope and grinned.

I couldn’t return her smile though. My eyes were too busy scanning the envelope. The names were handwritten in dark blue ink, the penmanship swirling and bordering on calligraphy. It was beautiful but hard to read.

“Pepsi?” a woman’s voice asked, ripping me out of the fantasy.

For a moment, I fought to stay, clawing against the dizziness that pulled at me. I needed to stay, to find out if my name was there. But I couldn’t. I didn’t trust that I’d respond to the waitress properly and I was scared of how my mom would react to that. I’d already been acting weirdly recently, I knew that. I didn’t want to give her more cause for suspicion.

“Here, please,” I said, half in the fantasy.

It was strange, like I could see both worlds at once. My vision felt different, unfocused as if one eye was showing me reality and the other, the spy school. It was hard to see them both and actually pay attention but at least it meant I wasn’t missing anything.

I was sure I had done it before, maybe during the drive up to Scotland. I had been in two worlds at once, but now it felt different. They both felt different. My real world was less in focus, less real, but the fantasy was much more vivid and present. Time was moving strangely there though. It was too slow, my gaze moved from name to name in what felt like slow motion.

“Fantastic,” the waitress said as she placed the large glass in front of me. “And you must have ordered the house red?”

“Yes,” my mom said.

The waitress smiled as she placed the wine glass in front of my mom.

“Jackie’s already taken your order, hasn’t she?” the woman asked.

“She has,” I said. “Thank you.”

“Not a problem, shout if you need anything else,” she said before turning and walking away, her ponytail bouncing in time with her steps.

I felt like I needed to do something else before disappearing again and found myself reaching out for my glass. My vision was skewed though, my depth perception off. My hand bumped into it too hard, causing some of the drink to slosh out and dribble down the side of the cup.

Mom pursed her lips, watching my clumsy movements, before reaching out for her own glass as I managed to grab the cup. The drink was cold, the bubbles tickling my tongue but I barely tasted it. My mother, apparently, did not have the same problem, unfortunately. Her nose wrinkled delicately, her expression disgusted.

“Is… everything alright?” I asked as she sniffed the wine carefully.

She took another sip, taking her time and cocking her head to the side as she swirled it. Finally, she looked up at me.

“I don’t know if this wine is corked or if they just have a cheap house wine here,” she said with a heavy sigh. “Although, honestly, how do you go wrong with a Merlot?”

I didn’t answer her, choosing instead to rush back into my fantasy to avoid rolling my eyes at her.

My hand was reaching out towards an envelope that had my name scrawled on the front. Relief coursed through me but there was still panic there. What if there was no pin inside, what if it was still a prank? As soon as I picked it up, my panic subsided though. I could feel the solid lump of metal inside the thick paper. The backing of the pin jutted out and I ran my thumb over it as I stepped away from the table, letting Abbie slip in.

I stared down at the envelope again before looking around. Was I meant to open it? I truly didn’t know. Some people had but others hadn’t. No one was being told off for it though which made me think that I should.

“Got it!” Abbie said, appearing at my elbow, a relieved grin on her face. “I really thought my name wasn’t there for a second. I thought the A was a H!”

Confusion washed through me and I glanced down at her envelope. Somehow, she was right. It was so elaborately written, so embellished, that it did look like the wrong letter.

“I know,” I told her. “I couldn’t find my name at first either.”

“Should we go sit down before we open them?” she asked. “I think that Katie’s waiting for us.”

My gaze followed Abbie’s nod, landing on Katie who was smiling at us. The white card in her hand seemed untouched and still sealed.

“Sure!”

Katie’s smile widened as she approached.

“I’m scared to open it,” she confessed as we sat down again. “I mean, what if we’re in different houses?”

She sounded scandalised by the idea and I found that I was too. I barely knew any of the others and I didn’t want to be taken away from my new friends just yet, even though I didn’t really know anything about the houses or how they worked in the Academy. Either way, I found myself staring down at the concealed pin, anxiety starting to nibble at my stomach again.

“Let’s just open them,” I said, already flipping the envelope over and running my finger under the seam.

I could see the others doing the same out of the corner of my eye but most of my attention was on the item in my hands. The flap opened and I reached inside, pulling out the small pin and staring at it. The image of a woman stared back at me. She was in some kind of military uniform, complete with a dark green hat that had an intricate golden symbol on the front, but there was something about her expression that I couldn’t look away from. One eyebrow was cocked and there was a slight smile on her face.

“Noor Inayat Khan,” Katie read the gold lettering on her badge quietly. “I assume she’s a spy but… I don’t know anything about her. Do you?”

I shook my head but Abbie didn’t.

“I think I’ve read about her. She was around during the war, I think. I don’t know what she did though,” she said. “I got her too, by the way. I guess we’re all in the same house!”

“Noor Inayat Khan,” one of the tutors said as she walked up to us and stood at the end of our row with her hands on her hips, “was a secret agent during the Second World War, good memory on that by the way, Abbie. She was the first female wireless operator to be sent from the United Kingdom into France to help with the revolution but that’s not all she did. Do you remember anything else about her?”

The tutor looked at Abbie expectantly.

Abbie’s face flushed and I could see the panic written across her face.

“Umm…” she started before sadly saying, “No.”

“That’s alright, I know that Khan is rarely taught about in schools. Khan’s childhood was a difficult one, plagued with many troubles, and yet she succeeded. Despite being a pacifist, when the war started she and her brother decided they wanted to help. She joined the Women’s Auxiliary Air Force and was trained to become a wireless operator but quickly became bored after assignment which… makes sense,” the tutor said with a smirk.

I had no response to that. I didn’t really even know what a wireless operator was but I didn’t want to ask in case it made me look bad or stupid. I assumed it was something to do with radios, based on the name alone. Maybe she worked on those, helped send secret messages or something?

Katie met my gaze and shrugged at me, showing me that she had no clue what the tutor was talking about either.

“Luckily, she applied to join the Special Operations Executive, an organisation founded to aid in the war efforts through espionage, sabotage and reconnaissance. Her previous training gave her the edge over the other cohorts and, despite many sexist reports which argued she was unsuitable for field work, a female superior recognised her strength,” the tutor said.

The passion and pride on her face made something inside of me stir. It was a similar passion, a dedication to do something but I wasn’t sure what. I wanted to fight, to do my part. To be strong.

“An assignment came in, one that Noor was perfect for. It was to maintain a connection between the international network of agents and the headquarters in London. She was required to send messages in Morse code, passing on the reports of operations and supply requirements. It was a dangerous job, one where she constantly placed herself at risk to provide a service to her country,” the tutor told us. “And her work was exemplary, although the true impact is still unknown.”

“I have the nachos,” a woman’s voice said, ripping me out of the fantasy.

I was confused for a moment as I stared up at the woman who I half-recognised. She was looking at me expectantly and I had no clue why.

“Here,” my mother said.

“Great, and the halloumi fries. Can I get either of you anything else? A refill? Jackie, the waitress, asked.

I looked down at the plate of halloumi fries she had placed in front of me and shook my head, already leaving that world.

“She was able to lie consistently whilst under interrogation,” the tutor said, her eyes still blazing with passion. “However, enough information was found when searching her belongings and address for the opposition to pose as her and continue sending messages which were not investigated as they should be and led to the capture and execution of several agents.”

I felt my heart drop. I had missed something, I had missed the part where she was captured. I should have expected it but I still found myself half-hoping that she was somehow still alive. It was unlikely, if she was alive during the war, she would have been really old but… I wanted her to be alive.

“Khan managed to escape the headquarters that she was being held in, freeing a fellow agent and resistance leader during the escape but unfortunately was recaptured during an unexpected air raid alert,” the tutor said with a sad shake of her head. “Refusing to renounce future escapes, Khan was deemed too dangerous to remain and was taken to another facility where she was held in solitary confinement and shackled. Yet, she still refused to give any information.”

“What happened to her?” a boy who was seated in front of us asked, staring back at the tutor. “Did she escape again?”

“No,” the tutor said simply. “She was executed.”

My heart sank. I thought there would be more to the story, some hopeful ending, but there wasn’t. I almost wanted to say something, to object, but what could I say? It had happened so long ago, there was nothing that I could do.

“Oh,” I heard Katie say.

“A disappointing end but her legacy lives on and I am proud to be a member of the house that was named after her,” the tutor said. “And you all should too. She showed dedication, intelligence and a strong sense of justice.”

I nodded, looking down at the pin. I wanted it to fill me with the same passion that the tutor clearly felt but it just made me feel empty. I knew that things like that happened in the war and that her tale was definitely not the worst but it still felt wrong. No one deserved to suffer, she deserved better.

A bell chimed gently, breaking me out of my thoughts.

“Ah, we’re running out of time,” the tutor said, “and I haven’t even introduced myself! You can call me Hannah and I’m the firearms and ammunition teacher. You three and the four other Khans are my responsibility now and I’m certain you will not disappoint.”

Her tone made it seem like that was not an option and I didn’t want to know what would happen if I were to disappoint her. She looked strict. There was something about her that made me assume that. Maybe it was the way her dirty blonde hair was pulled back into a tight low bun with not even a single hair out of place. Or maybe it was the expression on her face.

“You don’t need to wear the badges all of the time, if you don’t want to, but your house should be seen as a point of pride. Khan was an incredible person, you should try to live up to her name,” she told us.

I was almost glad when something pulled me out of that world again.

“How was your halloumi?” my mom had asked.

The question surprised me and I quickly swallowed the sip of Pepsi that I had just taken so that I could answer her.

“Delicious, thanks,” I said even though I couldn’t remember what it had tasted like.

I glanced down at my plate, noticing that it was empty. Disappointment washed through me. I had wanted to try them, to know what they tasted like. The hostess had made them sound so good.

My mom didn’t reply to me and I realised too slowly that I should have repeated the question to her. She was trying, or at least, she was doing more than she usually did. I should return the effort.

“How were your,” I glanced at her plate quickly to double check what she had ordered, “nachos?”

She frowned as she looked down at her own plate. She had eaten more of them, almost clearing it. A few chips were scattered around with a couple of blobs of salsa and melted cheese.

“Soggy,” she said. “I assume they made them and left them out when they were waiting for yours to finish cooking.”

That made me want to reply but the words refused to leave my lips. It was stupid. I hadn’t done anything wrong and, even if that had happened, it wasn’t my fault. There was nothing I could have done to speed them up.

A feigned sympathetic smile came to my face.

“What a shame,” I said but the tone was wrong.

It was too flat, too obvious that I felt nothing.

“Are you all done?” Jackie asked, suddenly appearing at the table.

“Yes,” my mom said.

“Great, and how was everything?”

She looked between us expectantly.

“Lovely, thank you,” Mom replied.

I felt my eyebrows raise but I didn’t say anything. I shouldn’t have been surprised that my mom didn’t want to mention her complaints, she never did. Pretty much everywhere we went, she had some issue with the food or the drink but she would never say anything about it. I think she just liked to complain. It made her feel better for some reason.

“Wonderful, I’ll be back in just a minute with your mains,” Jackie said cheerfully as she grabbed our plates and walked away.

Mom and I sat in silence for a minute, staring at each other. I had nothing to say and I don’t think she did either. It felt like we’d run out of conversation topics after however long we’d been in Scotland for and I couldn’t think of anything else to talk about. It felt like the easy way out but I found myself reaching for the fantasy again as my mom reached for her phone.

“I can’t believe we’re in the same house,” Katie was saying as I returned. “Do you think that was on purpose?”

We were walking again, assembly must have been over. I thought back, trying to remember what I had missed. There hadn’t been much. They told us that we had a class now, basics, and that it would teach us more. I wasn’t sure what to make of that but I followed the others through the corridors anyway. I mean, the idea of having a class called basics felt weird to me but then I wasn’t in a regular school anymore.

Maybe I shouldn’t have expected the Academy to follow the same rules that my old school did. I was kind of excited too. I wanted to get started and learn whatever they were going to teach me.

“I assume so?” Abbie said. “I think most people are in the same house as their dorm mates, right?”

I hadn’t really paid any attention to anyone else but now, I looked over my shoulder at the boys who were walking behind us. They seemed to be wearing the same badges, as far as I could tell, but I wasn’t sure if they were dorm mates or not. They were talking and seemed to know each other so maybe they were? One of the boys met my gaze and smiled, his expression flirtatious.

I looked away quickly, unsure of what else to do.

“I don’t know, we should ask someone. Does everyone have basics now?” Katie asked as we entered the classroom.

A few people were already seated behind a row of desks but there was no tutor there yet which made me pause. I glanced at the door again, spotting the number twenty-three on it. We were in the right room.

“It seems like it,” I said as more people filtered in. “We should probably grab a seat.”

Abbie started to move towards the desk at the front of the classroom without hesitation and we followed her. It looked just like a normal classroom but the walls were entirely blank. They’d been painted a pleasant light blue but it felt strange to not see any posters or anything on them. I don’t think there was a single room at my school without anything on the walls but here, there weren’t even any scuffs. It almost looked freshly painted.

My unease was forced out of my head as someone walked into the room, instead being replaced by confusion. The person was clearly older than the rest of us so they must have been a tutor but… they didn’t look old enough. He couldn’t have been older than twenty, if that. And, he was handsome. Dressed in a t-shirt and jeans, it was clear that he had a good figure. He almost looked like Oscar, from Mitch’s world.

He was limping though. One of his legs didn’t seem to bend properly and, as he got to the front of the room, it became obvious why he was walking like that. His left leg was encased in a brace of some kind that had been strapped over his jeans which was making him lean heavily on his other leg as he moved.

“Excuse me for not sitting down whilst I teach you,” he said as he leaned back against the front desk, “this thing makes it a little hard.”

A soft laugh went around the room as he smiled at us and again, I was struck by how handsome he was. His smile was wide, showing off perfect teeth. There was no way he was a teacher, he could have been a model or something.

“You lot can call me Rodgers and, before you ask, this is my first time teaching a class. I’ve been forced to whilst recovering from this injury,” he said dramatically as he reached down to knock on the hard plastic. “Um, yes. I don’t know any of your names yet. Sorry.”

I turned to look at the person he’d pointed to. A boy who I’d spoken to briefly held his hand in the air, his expression nervous.

“Oh, I’m Dean,” the boy said quickly. “Um… if you’re not a teacher, does that mean you’re a spy?”

My eyes widened and I looked back at the teacher who laughed.

“Yes,” he said with a slight laugh. “I’m a field operative and yes, before you ask, I got this whilst on assignment.”

Abbie’s hand shot up.

“Yes?” Rodgers asked, gesturing to her.

“What happened, sir?”

The teacher grimaced.

“Oh, God, don’t call me that, please. It makes me sound so old,” he requested, but it sounded like more of a plea. “It’s not a big deal at all. I got shot in the leg and it aggravated an old injury so I’m on desk duty until I get the all-clear to go back out. Any other questions?”

“What was the old injury?” someone asked.

“Ah, should have seen that one coming,” Rodgers said. “I made a stupid mistake and dislocated my knee during a parachute jump in training. My other leg was a little mangled at the time from a bear trap so I shouldn’t have jumped but decided to anyway.”

I felt my mouth drop open. He’d said it so blithely, like it wasn’t a big deal, and that scared me. I’d never seen a bear trap in real life before, just in movies, and they looked so dangerous. But then, we were in the UK, I was pretty sure. Why was there a bear trap around? I wanted to ask but I couldn’t bring myself to.

Everyone else was silent too, staring at the teacher in shock. He seemed to realise that he’d scared us because guilt flashed across his face.

“But, luckily, that taught me a valuable lesson,” he said quickly. “Always listen to your doctor and the instructors, always check for unexpected traps and pay attention when you’re being taught how to land safely!”

Somehow, that did not make me feel any better.