I can't move on

"That was a long ass shower; I thought you drowned," I said, and Ryder gave me this stupid smile.

He and Isabella had been hanging out all day, and he had been in a daze for the past two hours, and one of those hours he spent in the shower blasting whoever that was.

And the other one mumbling to himself and just being happy while knitting.

I watched as he put on his boxers and went to raid my shirt drawer.

I watched as he slipped his broken arm through the hole first and then put it on the rest of his body.

"Fuck you staring at?" he asked and went back to his side of the bed and grabbed his knitting.

You. 

"You just look really good in my shirts, is all."

He laughed and got in bed next to me.

"You still working on my sweater?"

"Yep, I haven't finished it, but I am almost done," he said, holding it up to show me. "If only you weren't so big."

He scooted closer to my headboard and continued.

"I am also big in other places."

"Shut up," he said, kicking me with his working leg.

"Watch out.."

"Yes, I know; that's why I was careful, so I can hurt you as much as possible without hurting myself," he said, and I put my hand on his lower back as he leaned forward.

I started to rub his back as he knit.

"How was your day? I heard you and Isabella went to get Taco Bell," I said.

"Yeah, it was her idea; she said you normally don't let her."

"I think food like that isn't good for your body."

"You are right, but it doesn't stop it from being good! It won't hurt if it is once in a while, and besides, Isabella was happy, so that's all that matters."

Thats right.

As long as she is happy.

I slipped my hand under his shirt.

As long as you are happy.

"Haha, yeah. What else did you guys talk about? You seem very giddy," I asked.

"Well, we shit-talked you."

Lovely.

"You did?"

"Yep, and how you are a control freak."

"I am not."

"You are, and it's suffocating for Isabella," he explained as I traced my nails on his skin.

"Well, I just want the best for her." He sighed. "While I understand that you are also smothering her in the process. She is going to high school soon, and she barely gets to see her friends; at least let her do that."

I sighed.

If only you knew.

I want to let her do all of those things.

I really do, but I can't.

I can't let them target her.

I can't let them do anything to my little girl.

They don't stop for anything.

They won't stop until my whole bloodline and everyone surrounding it are dead.

"I'll think about it," I said.

"You better."

"What else happened?"

His smile was back, and he straightened up.

"What tell me? I want to smile too."

He didn't look up for his knitting and just went even faster.

"Tell me about your day first, and then I will tell you," he said.

"Uh okay. Well, Leo and I were working. And that's really it," I said.

I was hoping he wouldn't pry.

He stopped knitting and looked at me. 

"How are you so rich if you work from home all the damn time? It's like you are some Wattpad mafia boss who has one of those fake work-from-home jobs as a front."

I blink at him.

I smiled. "I do go in the office; I just haven't because of you."

Excuses.

They save me every time.

He's too smart for his own good.

Way too smart.

"And what even is a Wattpad mafia boss?"

"Don't change the subject on me. You are so mysterious all the damn time. You sure you don't have a fake job?"

Well, not necessarily.

It is a real fake job.

"No, I don't have a fake job. Most of the office buildings I run are overseas." Half truth.

"That sounds suspicious," he said, laughing, and went back to knitting.

"I also have some here; I could take you one if you'd like; while Isabella is in school, I can show you all about my "fake" job," I said.

He nodded. "I would be delighted."

Mother fucker.

"Okay," I said.

I didn't know what to say.

I haven't been in the office in a while.

I didn't need to.

I felt myself stop rubbing his back.

I could run all of my trade and international shipments from my at-home office.

I could plan attacks and do all of that from my home.

One thing I couldn't do was show him my "fake" job from my office.

I also didn't want him to get suspicious.

"What'd you stop rubbing my back?"

"What? Do you want me to continue?" I asked, continuing to rub his back.

Ryder shrugged and continued to knit.

Fuck.

"Back to you, what did you want to tell me?"

"Is Lova your ex-wife?" oh.

I don't think that is what I asked. 

I felt myself jerk forward and sit up.

Why does she keep coming up?

The past couple of days were the first few times I have heard her name in years.

12 years. 

"Uh yeah, why?"

"Well, me and Isabella were talking about her."

"You were? What about her?" 

I somehow felt nervous.

This weird feeling made me sick. 

Thinking about her made me want to vomit.

"Just about what Leo used to say about her, and…uh then it kind of faded into me," Ryder said.

"You?"

"Yeah. It was hard to believe, but saying some shit about how I make you a better person and how you are so different," Ryder said, laughing.

"I guess you do?"

"I do?"

"Yeah, you make me happy," I said, lying down behind him and holding his waist as he spoke.

"You sweet talker. She was talking about how if anyone could be her replacement mom, she hoped it would be me," Ryder said.

I kissed his lower back and laughed.

Replacement mom.

Replacement.

Mom.

"I would hope it was you too."

"She said I could be her mom, and I thought it was sweet," Ryder said, and I tightened my grip on his waist.

"Should I start calling you mommy?" I mumbled into his side.

"Call me whatever you want," he said.

I think I like him being in this happy mood.

It made me happy. 

"What else did she say about me, mommy?"

"Oh, I don't know how I feel about that nickname, lol. She was talking about college and how she wanted to go out of state. But I told her to stop worrying; it is way too soon," he said.

"Thank you; she tends to worry a lot about college."

"I wonder where she gets it from," he said, and I laughed.

"I wonder."

I rubbed my hands under his shirt.

He was so warm, and it felt so comforting.

"What is your obsession with my belly?"

"I don't know, it is just warm and cute," I said, sitting up from behind him and pulling him closer to me.

"I think you should let her do what she wants. Not in like a do drugs, smoke weed, and drop out way; in a let her hang out with her friends, let her explore her own personality, and just let her be her kind of way. Controlling parents create sneaky ass kids. Remember that," Ryder said.

And I sighed.

I am not trying to be controlling.

I am really not.

But I have to.

I have to keep her safe.

My dad used to do this to me.

To protect me from this crazy world.

He created a sneaky kid, and the cycle is repeating.

And now that I am a parent, I understand why he kept everything from us.

I finally understand that he just wanted us to be safe. 

"I just want to keep her safe, Mommy," I mumbled. Just like my dad. 

"I know, but you are ruining her life in the process."

"It's better this way."

"Better for you, but not her. She's 12; you can be controlling, but make it sly. You can still keep her under watch but still let her be her before you regret it," Ryder said.

Fuck. 

"I'll think about it."

"You better," he spat.

Same conversations.

Always.

I know this feeling.

We continued to talk about random things as he scooted closer to me. 

"What time does your job start?"

"Whenever I want it to," I said with a smile.

"Sounds very fake job to me," Ryder said, laughing.

I gulped and laughed with him.

"How can it be a fake job if I am taking you with me?"

He put his knitting down and grabbed his phone.

He moved my leg and nestled into between both of them.

"What now?"

He opened his phone and went on Google.

He opened his bookmarks.

"Why do you have me bookmarked?"

"Just in case. Because I know so much about you, but at the same time I know nothing about you, you know?"

"I could say the same thing about you."

"Yeah, but I'm not this illusive rich guy. I am just a 21-year-old dropout. You, on the other hand." He clicked on my name and scrolled down on the page. "You write this shit? What the fuck does philanthropist even mean?"

"I did not write that no; it means I care about others and I donate. Which you can see right there, and you confronted me about it when we were in the dressing room a few days ago," I said.

I felt myself sweating.

I felt awkward.

I felt terrible.

I was lying to him.

Lying to everyone.

I had to.

I am sorry, Ryder.

I am so fucking sorry.

"Answer my question," Ryder said. "Sorry, what was it?"

"Caruso Enterprises has interests in ​​real estate, luxury goods, and international trade; that is the most fake job mafia boss shit I have ever heard; plead your case."

He keeps trapping me in these situations.

"Rich people stuff, I guess," I said.

"Are you saying I wouldn't understand?"

"Bingo," I said, and he started laughing.

Stop worrying, please. 

Please. 

"Well, I will come with you and be your trophy wife, or I'm sorry fiancé," he said, looking down at the ring I had given him.

"I can't believe you are still wearing that."

"It's a nice ring; how could I not want to wear it?"

I smiled. I leaned back and watched as he picked back up his knitting.

I don't understand how a person could always look so fucking good.

Even with his god-awful posture.

Fuck.

"Fuck what?" Ryder asked, not looking up from his stuff.

Fuck, I said that out loud.

"Fuck you."

"Me? What did I do?" he said, laughing. 

"I don't know," I said, and I started laughing with him.

"You're cute when you don't know." I looked at him. "Are you saying I am cute when I am stupid?"

"Basically," he turned around so he was facing me. "You seem very put together, and when you get all frantic and I don't know stupid, it makes cute, in this weird way I can't really explain. You know?"

"No, in fact, I don't know," I said, and Ryder rolled his eyes.

"Figured," he said, poking me with one of his needles.

"What was that for?"

"You are also fun to fuck with," he said and continued to poke me.

I laughed as I tried to grab them, but I was too slow.

He would alternate each one, and my brain couldn't keep up.

"Mommy, this is too much for my old brain," got him.

"You freak, that is so unfair," he said, trying to get back the needle I took from him.

He leaned forward and genuinely started to strangle me to get this needle back.

"Watch out for that arm."

"Give it back then," he yelled.

I laughed as I slightly pushed him back. 

I moved so my back was no longer against the bed frame so I could escape more easily.

"That wouldn't be fun," I said.

He pushed me down so I was flat on the bed.

He pushed down my shoulder and then straddled my waist.

I smiled.

"Give it back," he said, pointing at me.

He looked down at me as I smiled up at it.

He snatched the needle back. "I win."

"Good, I wanted you too," I said, putting my hands on his waist.

"You are so fucking weird, old man, you know that?"

"It's your fault," I said.

He brings out this weird flirty side of me I myself am not used to.

He brings out everything that I didn't even know existed.

Like he's making me a better person.

Fuck.

Maybe I am a softy.

"Bitch, how is it, my..." His confusion turned into this scary smile.

"What?" I asked.

"You wanted this," he said as he pointed at me. "Wanted what?"

"You liked to be manhandled?"

"No, what?"

"How come we have done this before?" His scary smile got bigger.

"When? I don't-."

I closed my eyes. "Me being drunk doesn't count. That was just embarrassing…"

"It so counts; that was funny as fuck." He leaned over just enough so he could grab his phone but not get off of me.

"I think I still have that video."

"Fuck, no, you are not looking for that," I said, trying to sit up and grab his phone.

He moved up on my torso and pinned my arms to my side with his legs.

"Sit still like a good boy and let me find this."

Chills.

I am Sat.

"Now let me see, it wasn't that long ago, like a couple of days now?"

Fuck.

What is wrong with me?

My heart is fucking racing.

I don't know what is happening.

Or why.

Why?

Please.

"I want to fuck you." I felt myself cringe as I heard my voice.

He let out this diabolical laugh.

"What happened to this? You don't want that anymore?" he teased.

Oh, trust me, I still do, but holy fuck.

He is awakening something in me right now.

This weird.

I don't know.

I can't explain it.

I love my control.

I love control.

I love his control.

"You already have me pinned; stop embarrassing me," I said, and he laughed louder.

I felt his laugh reverberate through me as a smile formed on my face.

Fuck.

What is happening?

"I want to fuck you into my mattress; I want to fuck you so hard."

"Please stop," I said. If my arms were available, my ears would be covered.

I smiled as he scrolled through the video laughing.

Seeing him laugh.

Hearing him laugh.

It brought me joy that I couldn't explain.

I'd let him make fun of me all day if it meant I could hear and feel his laugh.

That wonderfully contagious laugh.

"Why don't you kiss me again like in that video?" I said, and he looked taken aback.

"What? You're the only one who can tease me?" I asked, slipping one of my arms out to put on his waist.

I watched as his eyes went wide.

He quickly grabbed my arm and pinned it back down.

"Yes…I am." His voice trailed off as his focus went back to his phone.

Got him.

"Or you squeeze me to death with these thighs, mommas?" Ryder said, mocking me.

I rolled my eyes.

"Not my best moment, I will admit that was embarrassing," I said, and I watched as he adjusted himself slightly, moving closer to my waist.

Just remembered I am a pent-up 38-year-old man with a sexy mother fucker on top of me.

"The question still stands though," I said, and he pushed my face to the side.

"And the answer is still the same."

He went to say something but he watched the video.

"So I get a kiss?"

He rolled his eyes and got off of me.

"Yeah, not happening; move over; I want to sleep," he said, trying to get under the covers.

"Oh, don't do that to me, mommy."

"I just did daddy-o."

I got under the covers with him, trying to make my problem less known.

"Nope, go turn off the lights first," he said, turning off his lamp.

I nodded and quickly ran to go get the lights and then got right back under with him. 

"Goodnight, Dom," he said.

I put one arm underneath him and the other over him and brought him closer to me.

I felt him tense.

"What?" I mumbled in his ears.

Tense again.

"You are a dog."

"Your dog, mommy," I said, getting closer to him.

"I hope you know you're not getting anything from me tonight," Ryder said.

"Oh, I know. I just wanted you to know how you make me feel," I said, and I felt his breath hitch.

"Out my face with that."

I laughed.

"I'll put that on my notes of things not to do to you, manhandle."

"No, that should be on top of the list of things you should do," I said, a little too fast.

Too fast for my brain to even process.

Ryder started to laugh. "You don't give off that vibe."

"I thought so too about 20 minutes ago, but now I really don't know. I think it's just because it's you," I said, kissing his neck.

"Yeah, right now, go to bed. You have work, remember."

Oh right. 

"Can't wait to show off my trophy wife."

"Fiancé."

"Fiancé, right my bad."

No matter what, you're still mine.