I can't move on

"What are you smiling at?"

I looked up at Leo.

"Huh?"

"What are you smiling at?" he repeated to me.

"Ryder, his reaction to my fake proposal was just funny and I was thinking about it," I said and smiled at Leo.

We were sitting in my office trying to see whatever Matteo was planning next, as well as working on our international trade units.

I feel like all we ever do is wait for Matteo's next moves. 

The goal was to stay low but Matteo was making that as hard as possible.

"I don't know what he wants. Can he back off for like 5 fucking minutes?" I said, typing on my computer.

Leo didn't say anything but he stopped typing.

I looked up at him. He had that fifty-yard stare.

The soulless, scared look.

"What?"

"Nothing," he said, looking back down at his computer.

"Tell me, you keep giving me those weird looks every time I mention Matteo. Did he send you anything weird?" I asked.

Leo looked at me and then flipped his laptop around towards me so I could see it.

"What am I looking at?"

"The DM's I have gotten every couple of hours since the incident with Ryder," Leo said.

I pulled it closer to me so that I could see.

"Which one is you and which one is him?" I asked.

"Dude, are you 80 years old?" Leo asked, getting up and coming to my side of the desk.

"This is me; this is him," Leo said and went to the top of the messages.

"The Rossi Snake 2 0 3 is a fucking terrible username. No one calls him that," I said and Leo laughed.

"@therossi_snake203: Are you Dominic's right-hand man, Leo? You don't respond. I see him in your profile; I know it's you. You don't respond again. @therossi_snake203: I am sorry for what I said to you. I get nervous around beautiful people," I read as I laughed.

"What did he even say to you?" I said, looking up at Leo.

"Things I'd rather not repeat," Leo said, not looking up from the messages on the computer. 

I looked back down. 

"You weren't kidding when you said he texted you every couple of hours. @therossi_snake203: Respond to me; I just want to talk with you. You don't respond. He sends the same message four more times. @therossi_snake203: I am not someone you want to piss off; just talk to me; it's not that hard, he says. Oh, scary. You don't respond. Oh, dick picture."

Leo has this sad look on his face as I scroll through 4 more incriminating photos of Matteo.

"Hey, at least his dick is big?"

"Shut up," Leo said.

"@therossi_snake203: Send me one, is a crazy comment to someone who hasn't been responding to you in the first place. @therossi_snake203: Please. Please. I beg, I just want to see you, baby, don't make me out to be the bad guy. He stops for two days and then goes right back to it. @therossi_snake203: Is it because that Dom bitch is fucking you? Is it because I'm doing what?"

"I finally responded before he did what he does best: spread heinous lies. @leonardonj: Dom is not fucking me," Leo said.

"Why does it follow up with you saying I wish?"

Leo started laughing. 

"That doesn't answer my question but okay. He continues with then I have a chance? You don't respond. A back tattoo picture, what does that mean?"

"I still don't know; scroll all the way down. I was going to bring this up to you, but I completely forgot," Leo said, scrolling down in their DMs.

"@therossi_snake203:Leo, you don't understand how fucking serious I am and you're still ignoring me? You are going to regret it—regret it so much. Yesterday. @therossi_snake203: How's Ryder, by the way? I thought Dominic was going to let him go. He and Dominic seem very close. I can't blame Dominic; he is a fine motherfucker, almost as beautiful as you. I do wonder though if he would be so calm and lay so low if Ryder went back home and wouldn't let him visit. @therossi_snake203: And there's Isabella; she's busy after school most days. Leo, Dominic has a lot of people he cares about, and that's what makes him weak. It makes it so much easier to get his attention, especially if you guys are gone. Today. @therossi_snake203:still nothing? Alright, play your silent game. But I won't back down. I will get what I want no matter what."

Leo looked at me and then back at the messages.

"What does that mean and why does he know Isabella's schedule?" I felt rage start to boil up as Leo took his laptop away.

"I don't know what his plan is, but we have to be careful with what we are going to do," Leo said. 

"Fuck," I said, slumping back in my chair.

I closed my eyes and rubbed my hair.

That's so fucking annoying.

What is wrong with him?

"I do not understand what the fuck is wrong with him. He is actually crazy. Can everyone just calm down so I can live my life in peace with my daughter and fake fiance? Is that too much to fucking ask?" I said and Leo sat his ass on my desk.

"Well, you are a kingpin mafia boss; you can never really get away from it," Leo said and I sighed.

"And that's the problem. I just want to be happy in retirement like my dad."

"Didn't he also almost ruin his relationship with your mom for lying to her?" Leo said, looking at me.

Fuck.

There's another thing.

I have been keeping this a secret from my daughter and ryder.

It was hard enough dealing with one person but now I have to lie to two people.

I closed my eyes.

I am actually so fucking stupid.

I dragged Ryder into this against his will and I ruined his arm and leg and now he is permanently messed up and has to take medicine for the rest of his life and worst of all, I keep falling for him.

Day after day, my love at first sight is going more and more beyond the superficial and more into love.

It's scaring me.

"Don't let Ryder end up like Lova-."

"Don't fucking bring her up right now. Ryder is nothing like her," I spat.

Leo raised his eyebrow.

"Don't lie to him; don't make the same mistake again, especially because this one is special," Leo said.

"Special?"

"Special."

"What do you mean?" 

"You know what I mean, Dom."

"I don't."

Leo rolled his eyes.

"You think about him constantly."

"You don't know that."

"You get very defensive and possessive; I don't think I have ever seen you like this with anyone. Even in your Playboy high school days," Leo said as he put his feet on the arm of my chair.

"I wasn't a playboy."

"Dated every girl in school, basically. Okay, I am exaggerating but you know. If it was anyone else, you would have dumped them on the streets, let alone a guy."

"I would have dumped him if he didn't get hurt," I said.

"Would you have? Or are you growing soft?"

"I AM NOT FUCKING SOFT!"

"Just saying. You are turning into someone I don't even recognize. The ruthless mafia boss, who killed anyone who stood in his way, didn't care for others and could barely be emotionally there for his daughter. Is so different now. He's bending over backward for a guy who doesn't even like him."

"Fuck you and I am not bending over backwards. I just-."

 Leo interrupted me "Admit it, he's making you soft and that's okay. It's better that than the ruthless shut-in I hated so much."

"I-." A knock on the door interrupted my thoughts and what I was trying to say.

"Come in."

"Hi Dominic, I was wondering what you wanted to eat?" Ryder said with a small smile.

Weird.

He's getting around better without crutches and he looks so good in those shorts.

And my shirt.

God, he's so cute.

"Whatever you make is fine," I said, smiling, and he nodded.

"Then you can come out and eat with Isabella and me if you'd like," he said and walked out.

"He's acting weird," I said.

"How so?" Leo said getting up and trailing to the kitchen.

I followed him, "I don't know, just the way he is talking is a little bit weird."

Leo turned around and gave me this look.

"Keep fucking walking," I said, kicking him.

"To write in MLA format, you have to put it in Times New Roman, 12 point font, and double spaced. You have your name, the professor's name, the class, and the date, and then you put the title in the middle." I smiled.

Ryder was hovering over Isabella and pointing at her laptop.

"Like this?"

"I don't know the name of your teacher or professor, but it looks good."

Leo looked back at me. "You gay bitch." He mouthed.

In words, I can't even describe.

He is so cute and he cares for my daughter and everything about him is just so perfect.

Am I even gay?

How does this all work?

"Are you going to eat with us as well, Leo?"

Leo nodded, sitting down next to Isabella.

Ryder walked out into the kitchen and I smiled at him.

I followed behind him.

"Do you need any help?" he jumped.

Weird.

He turned around, wary. He looked at me with this look I couldn't really explain.

"I am okay, thank you," he turned back around and stood there. Like he was waiting for me to leave.

"Is everything okay? You are acting a little strange."

"I'm acting normal."

"You aren't. What happened to keeping our communication open? That was one of our rules, wasn't it?"

I heard him sigh and turn around.

"We haven't been following those rules, have we?" He asked and grabbed two plates with food on them and headed towards the dining room.

He dropped them down and then walked back toward me. 

He looked up at me.

"Tell me what's wrong," I repeated.

"Genuinely nothing; I am just being mindful of the way I treat you because you know."

"Because I know what?" I asked.

He sighed.

Why does everyone keep assuming I know every damn thing?

"I have no problem with the way you speak to me as long as you are being yourself," I said. "Call me whatever crazy nicknames you can come up with, whatever attitude you want to have, or whatever mean words you want to call me. I'll be okay with it as long as you are being yourself; I think that is all that matters."

"Softy," Ryder said, pushing past me to get hiss and my plate.

"I am not soft."

He walked towards the table with the plates.

"You so are," he said and I pulled the chair for him so he could sit down.

"I am capable of doing that."

"I know," I said and smiled.

"Softy." I looked up at Leo. "Is anyone talking to you?"

He started laughing.

I sat down next to him and started to eat.

He still had the ring on.

"You can't write an essay and eat; shut your computer and then we can work on it later; I'll use Big Daddy's computer," Ryder said, leaning over towards me.

I looked down as his hand hit my lap.

"Why do you have a bruise on your arm?" It was his broken one too.

"Do I? Oh, probably from my dad," he mumbled.

"From your dad?"

"Yep. He slammed me into the counter and then you walked in."

I am killing his fucking dad.

The way he said it so calmly is what pissed me off even more.

There's so much power I hold over him but I don't want to hurt Ryder's mom and his siblings.

Fuck that bitch.

I am going to beat his fucking ass for that shit.

Who the fuck does he think he is?

Putting his fucking hands on what's mine.

Mine?

Mine.

Hes not mine; he is his own person.

He's not mine.

He's not mine.

He's not-. "Dominic."

I looked up.

"Stop, you are scraping your fork on the plate and it is annoying," Ryder said.

"Sorry," I said.

I'll kick his fucking ass. 

Leo and I were on dish duty as Ryder went back to helping Isabella with her homework.

"If you already know your topic, then the outline should be easy, just..."

"Boss?"

I looked over at Leo, who wasn't washing dishes and was sitting on the counter.

"Yes?"

"Why do you think Ryder dropped out? He seems really smart."

"For his siblings. They were smarter than he was and he wanted them to go to the private colleges of their dreams."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

I continued to watch as he sat on top of my dinner table with Isabella in the chair.

"You used to yell at me for sitting on that thing. Even sitting at that table, it always pissed you off. And now look. Ryder is sitting on top of it and you are batting your eyes at him," Leo said as I loaded the dishwasher.

"Yeah."

"Yeah, what."

"Just yeah."

I guess people do change.

I don't think I am becoming soft but I guess people do change.

"I think maybe in the future, you should send Ryder and his siblings to college," Leo said, getting down from the counter.

"Like make college funds for them, like Isabellas?"

"Yeah, I think it would be nice. Especially with how you act around him. He might be the one for you and investing in his education might be nice," Leo said.

"You think too far ahead," I said.

"Better then not at all."

"I guess so. A future with him...it sounds nice. Away from all of this, Isabella living her own life, never visiting her old man. Having him there. Someone to laugh with, be sad with, cook with, and be there with me. Just sounds really nice, actually," i said, smiling.

I heard Leo snicker.

That would be really nice.

What i would give for that?

Just to get away from this all.

To get Ryder and Isabella away from it.

Get Leo away from it.

Especially him.

He's been here the longest.

It makes me feel the most bad.

Three innocent people roped into this crazy world because of me.

"Maybe you and whatever husband you find can come live with us too."

"Like I'll ever find somebody. I'm worse than you."

He was so much worse.

"Hey, at least you are easy on the eyes," I said, putting my arm around Leo's shoulder.

"Thanks."

I remember halfway through his sophomore year of high school, he came out to me; I was in my senior year.

I don't think I even knew what the word meant.

Gay.

I thought it meant happy.

And I guess it does.

Leo's happy.

Sometimes, at least.

He needs someone to take care of him, not in like an incompetent way but in a love kind of way.

A love that I can't ever give him.

I still don't know what that word means but I know that it is love.

Not the love you have for a friend, a family member, or a brother.

A love you have for someone that changes your whole perception of the world you live in.

A love that makes you think about the day after tomorrow for once in your life.

A love that is created because of how beautiful that person is inside and outside, no matter how many flaws they have.

A love that I have for Ryder.

"What the fuck are you looking at, old man?" Ryder yelled.

I smiled.

My future, I guess.

"Thank you for the food; I'm going to do so more work and I will be up there to cuddle you to sleep," I said.

Ryder gave me this disgusted look.

Leo and I walked to my office and shut the door.

Thomas (the gay one):

Slight problem with the trade you asked for.

Me:

And that is?

Thomas (the gay one):

Matteo's bitch ass intercepted it. I don't know what your deal with him is or why he won't leave us alone. But that shipment was very important.

Daniel:

I have sent out some people right now but the Misses is cooking for me at the moment so I can send you the email I sent and you can take it from there.

I talked to Daniel yesterday and everything was fine but of course, stuff goes wrong when Matteo is involved. 

Daniel and Thomas were twins, both married; Thomas and his husband had two kids; and Daniel was so in love with his wife that he put work on the back burner always.

That's the dream, I guess. 

To: [email protected]

Hello,

This is Daniel. I was informed earlier today that the shipment that Dominic had ordered had been put off track and intercepted and it was by Matteo. I would like people on that pronto. I will tell Domino to up all of your pay for the short notice, but please get on that. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Daniel

To: [email protected]

Dear Daniel,

Thank you for letting us know; we have people on it and tracking the shipment to get it back. Please tell Dominic, thank you, and I will update you and him if anything goes wrong. 

Xavier Chan

"I sent you the email Daniel sent and the email he got back," I said to Leo, and he nodded.

Fuck, I do not need any of this right now.

"The plan once we get the shipment back is, I guess, go after matteo. Fuck, can he leave me alone? And then we go from there. Basically the earlier one just with the shipment involved-."

An unknown number lights up my phone screen.

"You recongize this number?" I said, holding my phone up.

Leo shurruged. "Nope, probably shipment."

I clicked answer.

"Hello."

No answer.

"Hello?" I said again louder.

I put the phone closer to my ears.

"This doesn't have to be like this."

Ominous ass message.

"Who are you?"

"Who the fuck do you think I am?"

"I don't know; I don't give my phone number out."

"Dominic, it doesn't have to be this way. I could call it quits right now and this could all be over."

Matteo?

It had to be.

"Matteo." Leo looked up at me. "I swear to god if this is you."

"Glad you recognize me."

"You are right; it doesn't have to be this way, but you are making it this way. You can never quit," I said.

"For one thing I will quit."

Trap.

I put it on speaker.

"For one thing?"

"Yes."

"What is it then?"

He went quiet.

He started to laugh.

I looked at Leo, who rolled his eyes.

"Leo."

"Hell no," Leo said.

"One, what is your obsession with Leo? Two he is his own person; I do not own him in any way shape or form," I explained. 

"Fine, that's how it's going to be."

"Yep."

"Fine," he ended the call.

"I do not need this shit right now," I said, leaning back.

"I do not know why he is so obsessed with you, but he needs to fucking stop," I said.

"I think he wants to use me to get at you and..." Leo trailed off.

"And what?"

Leo looked at me.

And looked back down.

"Whatever don't tell me, what time is it now?" Fuck, it is already 11:46 pm.

How late did we eat lunch?

"I'll see you in the morning; I'm going to go."

"Go sleep with your boy?"

I rolled my eyes and walked out of my office.

I opened my bedroom door and there Ryder sat on my bed.

He was knitting and in boxers and my shirt.

Look at those legs.

I just want to be in happy land forever but Matteo and all of the mafia shit keeps bursting my bubble. 

"Ryder." My voice felt small.

He looked up, continuing to knit.

"Yeah?"

"Um, this is a weird question but can you, uh, just sit on the toilet while I shower?"

"Are you five?"

"No, just worried," I said.

Ryder rolled his eyes and stood up, making his way to the bathroom.

"Change of heart?"

Ryder sat down on the toilet, still doing his knitting.

"You gave me this depressed ass look and I need to see if this sweater can fit those big ass shoulders."

"You're making me a sweater?" I said as I took off my clothes.

"Yeah," he said. 

I smiled as I got in the shower.

"I'll be fast; I just need to slightly be clean in bed," I said.

"Hmh."

I cleaned myself in the shower.

I think they told me I couldn't get my arm wet but then again, I shower every day, so.

I watched as Ryder sat there and just continued to knit.

His was in a low ponytail.

I could see his nipples through his shirt.

The shirt tugged every bit of him perfectly.

His thighs looked perfect

Everything about him.

"You done cleaning your dick?"

Spacing out is very embarrassing.

I took the hose down and rinsed myself off.

I turned off the water and dried myself off.

I walked out of the bathroom and put my boxers on.

Ryder got into bed; he didn't miss a single beat with the knitting.

I got in bed next to him.

"Can I lay my head on your lap?"

"Yeah, sure, after you rubbed one out in front of me in the shower," Ryder laughed and I laid my head on his lap.

Hearing his knitting needles hit together was very satisfying and was lowkey putting me to sleep.

"What were you thinking about?"

"When?"

"In the shower."

"You."

"Me?"

"I tend to think about you a lot. I guess I'm just worried about you," I said.

"So worried that you are going to rub-."

"I actually didn't even realize I was doing that, but I was looking at you," I said.

"Sure. Is everything okay besides that? You gave me this really sad look when you asked me to sit in the bathroom with you," he said.

I can't tell you.

I want to.

But I can't tell you.

"Some work stuff and it is getting really annoying and ruining me," I said.

"Damn." He put his knitting stuff down and started to stroke my hair.

"Stop making that face or I will stop," he said.

"I'm sorry."

Even from down here, he looks so beautiful.

"Why do you keep moving your head?"

"So you can't see my double chin, lol. When I look down, you can see it," Ryder said with a smile.

I smiled at him.

I wonder if we could spend the rest of my life like this.

Maybe just maybe.

"I don't think I have ever felt this way before."

"Me too," Ryder said.

"You are just so different, in all of the best ways. And I don't know. You have me actually thinking about tomorrow and the days to come and it's just weird," I said and Ryder nodded.

We sat in silence as he gave me one of the best head massages I have ever had in my life.

"You have dandruff."

"I know."

"Just making sure," he said as he started to analyze my scalp.

"For forty you have good hair."

"Its genetic; I don't really take good care of my hair. I mean, I should but I don't really have the time," I said.

"Interesting," he said.

And we continued to sit in silence.

Coming home after a long day of work and just having Ryder waiting for me.

Or having him finally have his own dreams and do stuff like that.

"What do you want to do for a living?" I asked him

"I don't know. For a long time, I wanted to be an actor but I don't really know anymore. I want to be happy, I guess," Ryder said.

I nodded.

"What about you?"

"Huh?"

"What did you want to do?"

"Something with economics because I have my PhD in it. I was always so interested in it and then I had to take over the family business and now we are here. I mean, I'm rich but I want a normal life sometimes."

"You do have a normal life."

"Not really," I said. "I wish I did, though. Just living with someone I like. Someone who likes Isabella and Leo. That's the dream, I guess."

Just living with you.

You.

You.

I just wanted to be with you, Ryder.

"It's okay to have feelings, weirdo. You don't have to be ominous all the damn time. I know that you like me. Well, I don't really know how to feel about you. It's okay," he said and he smiled down at me.

With his warm skin glowing.

With his dark hair still in a ponytail.

With his soft jawline and chubby face.

With his cute cheeks that I just wanted to squeeze.

With his narrow, honey-brown eyes.

With his full lips and perfect smile.

With his caring personality and mean demeanor.

With everything I ever wanted, he was the one for me.

"You got me," I said.

"I know, now go turn off the light. You look tired," he said.

I did as he said.

I turned off the light and went back to bed.

"Good night, Dom."

"Good night, Ryder."

As I lay down with the darkness surrounding me.

I wonder what Isabella would think.

I think she and Ryder get along, but I don't want him to be a replacement mom or anything like that.

I just want her to be happy.

That's all I ever want for her.

But in the process.

I think I have been undermining my own feelings.

For the past 12 years, it's been all about her.

Worrying about what she would think or what friends she is making.

I didn't want to replace her mom, so I have been lonely with guilt eating me away.

Now the guilt is back and I feel awful.

I want what is best for Isabella

She deserves it.

Everything I do is for her.

But ryder.

Every person I could just let go of but I can't let go of him.

I don't know why.

Just the idea of him leaving us made me physically sick.

He's just so perfect—in words I can't even describe.

I don't know.

I don't want Isabella to be mad at me but I also don't want to give up someone so perfect.

I'm sorry, my daughter.

I have to be selfish.

Just this once.

I have to think about myself.

My well-being.

My everything.

I'm sorry, Isabella.

I am selfish. 

I am so fucking selfish.