Homestar Saga

"Why are we still doing this?" Lissa slumped back in her chair. The repair drones had just finished sealing the last hull breach in the bridge of the Encounter. She took off her helmet and tossed it negligently onto her desk console. Her hair was matted. Her face was sweaty. She had bags under her eyes.

"Fixing the ship?" Mims removed his helmet as well. His brown hair was plastered to the top of his head. He looked like he hadn't slept in two days. Which made sense, Yvian supposed. None of them had. While the Captain was as tired as his crew, he was in a much better mood. "Because I like having air to breathe, mostly."

"You know what I mean." Lissa chided. Yvian removed her helmet, running a hand through her hair. It was as matted as her sister's, though considerably shorter. The adrenaline of combat had faded hours ago, leaving her shaky, sticky, and exhausted. Lissa continued, "It's been three months. Three months, and they're not letting up. If anything, it's getting worse."

The first attack had happened three days after they left Tortuga. It had been small scale, only half a dozen Terran Gladiator class fighters. They'd jumped into the system with no warning, firing their MACdriver cannons without so much as a how do you do. The Recompense had been far enough away that Mims could dodge, and he killed three pilots without taking a hit. The other three had activated their jumpdrives and fled back to pirate space to rethink their life choices.

"Of course it is," said the Captain. "The Freedom Republic's hunting us with the full backing of the Terran Federation. The longer we survive, the more they're going to throw at us."

From that point on, nowhere was safe. Attacks came at random, sometimes within days, and sometimes within minutes. It didn't take long to figure out they were being tracked. The Nexus system allowed instant communication in any system in the Confed, and there were no shortage of people willing to tell the pirates where they were.

"Are you sure the High Commander can't do anything?" Yvian asked. She'd met the High Commander, one General Bartholomew Young, four months ago. He'd seemed like a stand up guy.

"The General's hands are tied," said Mims. "He runs the military, but Stellar Command's got no jurisdiction over XTRO. Even if it did, the President herself set this in motion. She's the highest ranked person in human space."

"It's gribshit," said Yvian. "Aldara happened thirty years ago, and it wasn't even your fault."

"No," said Mims. A torrent of emotion flashed through his face for an instant. "No, it was."

"It was a Klaath Incursion," Yvian insisted. "If you hadn't-" She cut herself off at his blank stare. "It wasn't your fault," she finished lamely.

The Captain was silent for a moment. He shook himself and said, "I appreciate the thought, but I don't think this is just about me. I'm an excuse. I think President Laswell's an interventionist."

"A what?"

"An interventionist," the human repeated. "It's... hmm." He thought for a moment. "Did you ever wonder why there are so many pirates?"

"Because we haven't killed enough of them, yet?" Yvian guessed.

That elicited a ghost of a smile. "It's economics. The Confed's an Oligarchy. That means a handful of rich families control everything. The government, law enforcement, the media, all that shit. The entire system is designed to protect the rich and funnel money and power to them at the expense of everyone else."

"So it's because people are poor?" Yvian frowned. "I don't know. Pixens are poor, and you don't see a lot of us resorting to piracy."

"You don't see a lot of pixens in space, period," Mims pointed out. "The two of you together scrimped and saved your whole lives, and barely managed to get your hands on a klunker with no shields. That's why most of you are prostitutes."

"It's a respectable profession," Lissa defended her species.

"If you say so," said Mims. "Anyway, people are poor, desperate, and in debt. That kind of poverty would lead to crime by itself, but the United Confederation of Systems is a slave state. Default on your debt, and they stick an implant in you that takes away your free will. And not just you. Your wife and kids. With that kind of pressure, rampant piracy isn't really a surprise."

"Like the Tegarns," Yvian realized. They'd been nice people, but they'd stolen her ships as soon as the opportunity arose.

"Exactly."

"What's that got to do with the humans?" Lissa asked.

Mims ran a hand through his hair. "As far as we're concerned, the Confed's the evilest empire in the galaxy. Worse than the Vrrl. We won't trade with them. Won't talk to them. All the things the Confed says about humans, we say about them." He grimaced. "But we're not...allowed might not be the word." He scratched his head again. "We're not supposed to interfere with other species. Even if we don't like what they do. After what happened with the Diliir we decided not to impose our values on others."

"The Diliir?" Lissa prompted. Yvian had never heard of them.

"They were trading partners, once upon a time," said the human. "Treated their females like chattel. Some do-gooders tried to get them to change their ways and started a war of extinction. We wiped them out."

"Oh," said Lissa.

"There are plenty of people that think we should do the same to the Confed." The Captain continued. "It's an aggressive, expansionist empire. They conquer every species they can, and the only reason they haven't moved in on us is we scared the shit out of them during first contact. The Military's out in Veeevo space right now, trying to bring another species into the fold." He cast a bleary eye towards his console. "Is the kitchen sealed, yet? I need a beer."

"No," said Yvian. "Just the bridge."

"Hell with it," the Captain decided. "Would one of you lovely ladies brave the void long enough to bring a case up here?"

The sisters looked at each other. "You're allowing drinks?" Yvian asked slowly. "On the bridge?"

The Captain had always insisted that food belonged in the kitchen. He'd become very annoyed the few times he'd caught one of the pixens breaking that rule. Lissa had managed to negotiate to allow them to enjoy beer in the comfort of their rooms, but he had never, never allowed consumables on the bridge.

Mims sighed, resting his head in one hand. "Just this once. It's been a long day."

Yvian did the honors. Rooting around in the foodstuffs, she learned that they were almost empty. A quick look and a little math told them they had food for a few more days at most. Worse, there was only one case of beer. It was half empty.

"This is all we have left," Yvian announced, as the bridge hatch sealed shut behind her. She set the half empty case down and extracted a bottle of alcoholic goodness.

"I know," said the Captain. He popped the cap and took a swig. He let out a pleased breath. "Where was I?"

"The humans were thinking about fighting the Confed," said Yvian.

"Right." The Captain took another swig. "The thing is, the Confed's huge. It takes over a year just to travel from one end to the other. They've got trillions of people, and they outnumber the Federation by a thousand to one. We've got the best ships short of the Xill, and our SHIELDBREACH tech can do a lot to even the odds, but a war of attrition might not go our way. Plus there's a good chance the Vrrl would jump in once our forces committed. They've been trying to take us out for nearly a century."

The Captain drank more beer, then continued, "But winning the war's just the start of the problem. Like I said, the Confed's huge. We don't have the personnel to defend a territory that large, and we don't have the resources to take care of that many people all at once. We learned a long time ago that smashing a government, even a bad one, just causes more suffering for the people it was ruling. If we can't take care of them, we've got no business killing off the people that are." He gestured with his bottle. "It wouldn't be as evil as just wiping out the lot of you, but it would still be pretty bad."

"I wouldn't have guessed humans have a problem with being evil," said Yvian. "It's kind of what your known for."

"Are you still on about that?" Mims gave her an annoyed glance. "I already told you that's propaganda. The Confed doesn't want people looking too close at how humans run things. We're basically a utopia compared to you."

"What's all of this have to do with the pirates?" Lissa changed the subject.

"The Freedom Republic. Right." Mims finished his beer and grabbed another one. "Quintina Barillas works for XTRO. Sorta. I think." Yvian checked the case. Four bottles left. She took another one. "Most humans sell info to XTRO from time to time." He scratched his head. "You know she built the Freedom Republic into the largest pirate operation in the void. They're practically a country, now. The Commandant wants to make them literally a country, and maybe conquer a chunk of the Confed in the process."

"And the humans are helping," Yvian guessed.

"Looks that way," Mims shrugged. "Hunting me is a nice bonus. The President hates me as much as everyone else. But the Freedom Republic spends a lot of time spouting off on ideals you don't hear much about around here. Freedom, fairness, the rights of sentient beings. It's all crap, of course. They're slavers. But if they get the juice to be a real power, they're gonna do a lot of damage without the Federation having to commit too much." He grimaced and drank more beer. "I hate politics."

"So where does that leave us?" asked Lissa. "What can we do?"

"The same thing we've been doing," said Mims. "Kill pirates and take their shit."

Lissa got herself another beer. Two left. "That's not good enough," she told him. "We can't dock because pirates attack every station we get to. The Recompense has so many holes we could grate cheese with it, and the Encounter's not much better. We're low on food, almost out of fuel, and we're out of beer. We can't keep this up."

"Yeah, we're gonna have to take some time to do repairs," Mims conceded. "But look at all the new stuff we got. A hundred seventeen Gladiator class fighters. Eleven Tempest class frigates. Three Killjoy class battlecruisers, and a second Ronin stealth cruiser. Last but not least, we just picked up an honest to god YEET class artillery barge."

"Which is currently towing us," Lissa pointed out. "It's a miracle I even got the jumpdrive to work."

Yvian glanced at the YEET on her sensors. Shaped like a sniper rifle, the artillery barge bristled with MAC cannons and carried a beam weapon for point defense. The barrel of the ship was an actual barrel, capable of launching a half ton slug at eighty kilometers a second. It was fast, heavily shielded, and absolutely lethal at any range.

The YEET had harried them for a full week. The Recompense had no chance against the barge's raw firepower in open space. They'd had to flee every time. Finally, Mims had come up with a plan and set up an ambush, hiding a battlecruiser and a dozen gladiators behind a Jumpgate a few hours before they came to the system. The Jumpgates block all transmissions and sensors, so they'd had to use the cruiser's Node to remote pilot the fighters. When the YEET showed up, Mims, Yvian, and Lissa had each taken a fighter and popped up from behind the Gate, MACdriver's blazing. They lost all the fighters, but succeeded in killing the YEET's crew. Unfortunately, that had still left the escort fleet to deal with. The battle had been....rough.

"Miracles are what you do," Mims gave her a smile. "That's why you're my favorite engineer."

"No it's not," smirked Lissa. "I'm your favorite for much naughtier reasons."

"Well." The Captain shrugged and finished his beer. "The miracles are nice, too."

Lissa smiled. Her eyes flicked to the near empty beer case and then back to Mims. The Captain sighed. He grabbed the last two beers and handed each of them to his crew. Lissa opened hers and took a drink, then said, "You never answered my original question. Why are we still doing this?"

"Hold that thought." The Captain turned to his console. The YEET towing them had almost reached one of the asteroids in the Unclaimed Sector they were traveling. It was a big one, several hundred kilometers. It was shaped like a dick. The YEET was about to smack into the bottom of it.

The YEET passed through the holographic projection that made up the base of the asteroid. A large open space was revealed. A fleet appeared on the sensors, including a destroyer and several weapons platforms that targeted the YEET and the Recompense. An automated message piped in through the comm. "Take what you can."

The Captain hailed the destroyer and replied, "Give nothing back."

"Passcode Accepted." The destroyer dropped its target lock.

Mims turned back to Lissa. "You see this fleet? These are human ships. With human weapons. Barely over a hundred of them, but with these ships I could destroy the entire Brilend Nation. Or the Trelg. Or whoever. It would take ten full Confed Military fleets to deal with these hundred ships. Now that we've got a YEET, even that wouldn't be enough."

Mims tried to swig his beer, remembered it was empty, and set it down with a disappointed frown. "The Xill promised us a planet. It'll be ready in two months. I know you want to rebuild Pixa. Lissa's already burning through credits like water to pick up the stuff we need to set up a colony. But I told you before. Nation building's not part of my skillset."

He gestured at the fleet again. "But this I can do. I can get ships. The krog are already building us a fleet. With Federation vessels thrown in, you'll have an armada capable of holding off the Vrrl and the Confed, maybe even hold your own against the Xill for a little bit. That's why we're doing this." He leaned back in his chair. "I was originally planning to hit the Freedom Republic, take their ships, and strip their stations of anything useful, but this is better. I might owe Barillas a thank you before I...you know. Kill her."

"I'm surprised she hasn't come after us herself," Yvian noted. "She's never been afraid to get her hands dirty."

Mims shrugged. "She's sending people after us, but I don't think she really wants us dead, yet. The longer we survive, the more sweet Terran tech she'll get her hands on." He cocked his head. "Which is basically the same thing we're doing, if you think about it."

"Why are you doing this?" asked Yvian.

The Captain blinked at the sudden subject change. "Doing what?"

"Helping us," said Yvian. "I know we're your crew, but... This is a lot of trouble. You're spending all your money and risking your life, and you're not even pixen. You don't have... You've already done so much, and you didn't even ask for... Crunch." Yvian sipped beer while she tried to figure out what she wanted to say.

Mims didn't wait. "You know why." He reached out and put a hand on her shoulder. "Your dreams are my dreams. Your enemies are my enemies." He reached out and took Lissa's hand. "You are the only people in the Verse that matter. I care... no. I love you both."

Yvian seriously debated giving the man a hug. Before she could make up her mind, he let go of Yvian's shoulder and leaned back. He did not lot go of Lissa's hand. "Of course," he smirked. "I don't love you both the same way." Lissa gave him a smoldering look. He grinned back and checked the sensors. His grin gave way to an annoyed grunt. "Docking this thing's going to be a pain in the ass. Are we sure we can't get the engines back online?"

"Sure we can," Lissa told him. "In a week. Once we're docked."

"Damn it," Mims glared at his console. "I was hoping we could get this done quick. I need a shower."

"The voidarmor's got a cleaning function," Lissa reminded him.

"It's not the same," said Mims. "There's nothing like a hot shower after a long day. I'm gonna soak up the hot water and then sleep for twelve hours." He frowned at his empty beer bottle. "Wouldn't mind another beer while I'm at it."

A thought sent a bolt of dread shooting up Yvian's spine. "Uh, Mims?"

"Yeah?"

"We're out of beer."

"I know."

"You used to get it from the XTRO outpost, right?"

Mims scratched the back of his head again. "Yeah."

She didn't want to say it. Saying it would make it real. She had to know. She made herself press on. "The new Outpost's in the Freedom Republic. We can't go there."

One of the Captain's eyebrows raised as he gave her a dubious look. "I'm well aware."

"So where are we going to get beer?"

Mims met Yvian's wide eyed stare. He turned and saw the same question in Lissa's fearful expression. He sighed. "Ladies. You heard the big the speech I just gave, right? About how we've captured a bunch of ships?"

"Yeah?" Yvian's brow furrowed. "So?"

"Human ships," he reiterated. "Over a hundred of them."

"And?"

"And what do you think humans drink after a long day of work?," he asked. "Water?"