Homestar Saga

"You finish with the logs?" Captain Mims glanced over at Yvian, ignoring the stream of profanity issuing from the comms. This particular batch of pirates was more articulate than the last, and some of the things they suggested were anatomically impossible.

"It's done," Yvian reported. "Our sensor reports show us in Unclaimed Sector 62 when Dresk got hit. If anyone checks, we've been hunting pirates in the Unclaimed Sectors since we got the Recompense." She glanced at the current sensor display. The pirates were still sixty thousand kilometers away. "This doesn't seem very fair, does it?"

One of the streams of profanity cut off. The Recompense switched its beam weapons to the next target. Mims shrugged. "Life's not fair, and slavers don't get mercy."

Standard plasma weapons had a maximum ranged of twenty thousand kilometers, but their effective range was much shorter. Anything over a two kilometers and the enemy had plenty of time to dodge. Beam weapons were different. They struck at near light speed. Unavoidable, and they could hit you from up to ninety thousand kilometers away. Beam weapons required a massive amount of power, and did less damage per second than standard guns, but the Recompense had the juice to fire all six of its beams continuously, and the range advantage more than made up for the drop in firepower.

"It's too bad we won't be able to sell the ships," Lissa remarked. "We'd be making a lot of money right now."

"We can't sell them without proof of piracy," said the Captain. "But that doesn't mean we have to give them up. the Recompense has room for a few more ships, and we can always drop them off at our stash if we need more room."

"Shouldn't the cargo manifest be enough?" Yvian asked. "Their hold's full of future slaves, and the sensor logs will show them attacking innocent vessels."

"Proof after the fact isn't accepted," Mims explained. "You have to catch them in the act unless they've got an active warrant." The beam weapons punched through the second ship's shields and killed the pilot. "Didn't used to be that way, but so many privateers got caught forging logs that the law got changed." He scratched the back of his helmet. "Besides, we're in Unclaimed space. There's no law out here. No law means no piracy and no legitimate way to claim pirate ships."

"The krog would take them," Lissa suggested. "We're famous there. They probably wouldn't even ask questions."

"True," said the Captain. "But a big part of my reputation is that I'm a stickler for the rules." The beam cannons punctured the second pirate ship. The third pirate left off swearing and switched to begging for his life. "I can't go against that if I want people to keep hiring me." He listened to the third pirate beg for a few seconds. "Besides, money isn't everything."

Yvian and Lissa stared at him. It was Yvian that said it. "Who are you and what have you done with Mims?"

"Money is a resource," Mims explained. "I don't like to waste it, but that's all it is."

"No, seriously," Yvian pressed. "Who are you?"

The third pirate died. The Recompense focused its beams on the last one. This pirate said nothing. The sudden silence was a bit of a relief.

"Ships are a resource, too." Mims pointed out. "I don't mind keeping a few to ourselves."

Lissa raised an eyebrow. "Does that mean you're going to pay us for the ones we don't sell?"

"Of course not," Mims snorted. "Don't be ridiculous."

"Huh." Lissa leaned back in her chair with her hands behind her head. "False alarm."

"What do you mean?"

"I guess you're the real Mark after all."

It took a few hours to catch up to the pirate ships. Killing the pilots had stopped them from accelerating further, but it had not caused the ships to come to a stop. The crew seized control of the fighter ships, then docked with the freighter. Yvian went through the freighter's logs while Mims and Lissa moved the future slaves to the Recompense. Two hours later they reconvened on the Encounter.

"Learn anything new from the logs?" Mims asked. He eyed the meat he was grilling critically, then gave each burger a judicious flip.

"Not really," said Yvian. She grabbed a beer from the fridge. "Looks like the last time they were in Tortuga was eight weeks ago."

"Damn." Mims went to the fridge and retrieved half a dozen cheese slices. "I was hoping for fresher intel."

"It's been three weeks," said Lissa. "And we haven't seen a single ship heading away from their base." She grabbed a beer of her own and sat down. "Something's up."

"Maybe Barillas is building up for a big attack?" Yvian guessed. "Like Milvari?"

"I don't know," said Mims. He started placing cheese on the burgers. Yvian's mouth was watering at the smell. "I guess we'll find out."

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Lissa asked. "I mean, the Freedom Republic's the biggest pirate faction in the Confed."

"I wouldn't be trying it with just the Encounter," Mims admitted. "But the Recompense out classes anything built in the Confederation. Tortuga's heavily defended, but we can handle it." Mims pulled a set of toasted hamburger buns out of the oven. "You only get one beer with lunch. We're attacking in an hour."

An hour later the Recompense activated its Jumpdrive. Rather than jump directly to the pirate sector, Mims took them to the Gate in the sector next to it. After checking and rechecking that their Stealth system was working, Mims decompressed the battlecruiser and the Random Encounter docked within. They synced their wrist consoles for communication. The crew went over what they knew of the pirate's defenses one last time, then flew the cruiser through the Gate as close to the edge as they could.

The Gate effect resolved. The Recompense had entered Tortuga.

"Systems check complete," Lissa announced. "All systems green. Stealth is active."

"Sensors show..." Yvians eyes widened at what she saw on the sensor screen. "Humans! A lot of humans. This is bad, Mims."

Tortuga was a pirate paradise. The sector swarmed with ships, hustling and bustling between the various stations. A dozen slave processing plants, two small shipyards, and nearly a hundred other stations ranging from mines and farms to pleasure resorts. This Yvian had expected.

What Yvian had not expected was a Military Outpost. Not a large one. The station was only fifty kilometers across. The Outpost was of Terran design, bristling with weapons in a way the Confederation would never allow.

While the Outpost was concerning, it was the patrol group in front of them that made Yvian's butt clench in fear. Thirty gladiator class Terran fighters, sister ships to the Random Encounter. Eight frigates armed with beam weapons. Two battlecruisers, and the Freedom Republic's flagship, a destroyer named the Last Shadow. And another ship. An even bigger ship. A ship Yvian had never seen before.

"That," Mims said in a slow, steady voice. "Is a Federation dreadnaught. Fully outfitted." He moved to the flight controls and started maneuvering the Recompense away from the patrol. "Federation weapons. They've even got a YEET cannon."

"This was a bad idea," said Lissa.

"I agree," said the Captain. "I think I'll just ease us back through the Gate."

The comm pinged. "Attention unidentified vessel. This is Commandant Quintina Barillas of the Final Countdown. I can see you. Identify yourselves or I'll blow you out of the sky."

The Recompense stopped moving. "What are you doing?" Yvian asked. "We should go." As always at the end of a Jump, the Jumpgate had ejected them at a velocity of ten meters per second. They were now eight hundred meters from the Gate. The Dreadnaught was positioned eighty kilometers from the center of the Gate, meaning they were just over nine hundred kilometers from the Recompense. They could make it before the dreadnaught could hit them with a YEET slug.

"Stealth is compromised," said the human. "We might as well try to get some information. Turn on your armor's stealth."

Yvian resisted the urge to ask questions and did as he asked. As "STEALTH ACTIVE" appeared in her HUD, she realized what he was doing. The Random Encounter was well known, but nobody knew about the Recompense. The Commandant would scan their ship as soon as stealth was deactivated. A lone human with a cargo hold full of slaves wouldn't seem out of place, but if she saw two pixens with him she'd know it was Mims.

The comm pinged again. "Unidentified ship," the Commandant's voice took on a hard edge. "Your trying my patience. That's a bad idea."

"Dropping Stealth," Mims reported. "Lissa, activate DOPPLER." Lissa nodded. The human activated a voice modulator and hailed the dreadnaught. "Commandant Barillas, this is the Recompense. That's a nice ship you got, there."

"Well I'll be damned," said the Commandant. "If it isn't Madlad Mims himself. Where'd you get a stealth cruiser?"

"Stellar Command owed me a ship," said the Captain. "How'd you know it was me?"

"A Terran battlecruiser with beam weapons has been terrorizing the Unclaimed Sectors for three weeks," she told him. "Did you really think I wouldn't figure it out?"

Mims shrugged. He turned off the voice modulator. "Fair enough. Sneaking around isn't really my style, anyway."

"It really isn't," Barillas agreed. "There were rumors, you know. About whether you were the real Mark Mims. Most of us didn't believe it. Only an idiot would use his real name after killing a fifth of humanity. But I knew. I knew you were the real deal. Mark Mims, Butcher of Aldara." Yvian eyed the enemy fleet on sensors, but they weren't moving and there was no indication they'd opened fire. With MACdrivers, there wouldn't be. The Commandant continued, "Tell me, Kinslayer, are you here to kill me, too?"

"I was thinking about it," said the human. "But now I'm here to talk business."

"You want to do business." The Commandant was skeptical. "With us."

"You have access to MACdrivers," Mims explained.

"We have a lot more than that," The pirate leader chuckled.

"I see that." Yvian noticed the Captain was still touching flight controls. The Recompense was moving. "Where the hell did you get your hands on a federation dreadnaught?"

"I think you can guess," the other human told him. "I suppose I should thank you, by the way. Apparently, the President was a bit miffed when she found out you were alive and working for XTRO. The entire leadership's been replaced."

"And the new boss has been supplying you," Mims guessed.

"Oh, yes," the Commandant confirmed. "Weapons, ships, technology. Hell, they brought in a whole Military Outpost." Her voice turned smug. "That's the new contact point for XTRO agents, by the way. Stop on by if you've got information to share."

"We've been hit," Lissa reported through the wrist console. "Upper deck. Minor damage." A bolt of adrenaline shot up Yvian's legs. Mims just nodded.

"What's the point of all this?" he asked. "Federation ships. Federation tech." Yvian remembered that the humans didn't allow Federation tech outside of their space. They didn't like the idea of it being reverse engineered. "Why would XTRO hand so much over to a band of pirates?"

"We're not a band of pirates," Barillas told him. "We're a country, or we will be soon. As for why?" The Commandant's grin was so smug Yvian could hear it through the comms. "All this, every ship, every gun, every pilot and station you see here. They're all here for one purpose."

Mims waited, but she didn't elaborate. After a frustrating few seconds he asked. "And that purpose is?"

"The purpose is you, Mark," the pirate queen spoke softly, sensually. "It's all for you." A husky, intimate whisper that sent chills down Yvian's spine, wicked and sexy and terrifying. "We all want you so bad..."

"That's very flattering," said the Captain. "But I'm in a relationship at the moment."

The Commandant's laugh was somehow even more sexy and wicked than her whisper. "You know what I mean. We want you dead, Mark." She whispered intimately into the comm. "We want you dead."

"The feeling is mutual," Mims told her. "See you around, Quintina."

"You better hope you don't," the Commandant replied.

The Recompense backed into the Gate. The Jump Effect took hold. When it resolved, the cruiser found itself flying backwards. Sensors showed no other ships, but a great deal of debris. Yvian zoomed the sensors in. No. Not debris. MAC rounds. Hundreds of MAC rounds. She even saw half a dozen half ton YEET slugs floating along.

"Well." The Captain looked over at her screen. "Good to know the DOPPLER works."

"DOPPLER?" Yvian asked. She was only half paying attention. If one of those YEETs had even grazed the ship...

"Makes a sensor echo," Mims explained. "Basically it lets us fool people into thinking we're a few kilometers away from where we are. I wasn't sure it would work, since the Final Countdown was able to see us in stealth."

"You didn't know it would work?" Yvian protested. "They were shooting at us the whole time!"

"We only took one hit," Mims huffed. "And we got important information."

"We learned that everyone wants to kill us," Lissa pointed out. "We knew that already."

"Yeah, but we didn't know they were working together," said Mims. "The Federation's backing the Freedom Republic. That's big news."

"That's..." Yvian remembered the attack on Milvari, and the Commandant's mad dream of forming a pirate nation. "Yeah. That's bad."

"It would be worse if they caught us by surprise," said the Captain. "Finding out was worth the risk." He started typing into his Nav console. "That said, we should probably get the hell out of pirate space. I'm taking us to Flivvan Prime."

"It still seems like a waste," Yvian lamented. "Weeks of scrounging for intel, planning our attack, and we finally get there and they've got a bunch of human ships." She huffed as the Jump Effect took hold. "How could things change that much in just six weeks?"

"XTRO works fast," said the Captain. "I'd like to have killed Barillas, too, but we can't deal with that many MACdrivers."

"All systems green," Lissa reported. "Still it wasn't a total waste. We killed a bunch of pirates."

"And saved a bunch of people" Yvian chimed in. She debated saying nothing to report on sensors, but there were so many stations and ships moving around that she decided it wouldn't be accurate. The Captain spoke before she could decide what to say.

"Don't remind me." Mims grumbled. "God damned care packages..."

"It was your idea," Yvian reminded him. "You said it would be suspicious if we release the same number of prisoners that had been taken from the Bang Bus."

"I know," Mims griped. "And you're right. We should be a force for good. But nine thousand people? Do you know how much that's going to cost?"

"Money's just a resource," said Yvian.

"So is beer," Mims countered. "Would you be ok with giving away all our beer?"

"Not all of it," Yvian admitted. "But I could part with a few bottles if I had a hundred quadrillion of them."

"I dunno," said Lissa. "Giving away beer? Sounds like crazy talk to me."

"See?" said Mims. "I knew someone would understand."

"We always understood, Mark." Lissa placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. "That's why watching you squirm over money is so much fun."

"I can't believe I'm sleeping with you."

"I know, right?"