Homestar Saga

Knifehands was unable to put his ceremonial robes back on with his broken shoulder. Nobody offered to help. In the end, he settled for draping the things over his good shoulder as he sat down behind his desk. He did not speak again for the rest of the Performance Evaluation.

 

Now that it had been decided that Yvian and company were officially krog and wouldn't be killed, Yvian relaxed a little. Only a little. They were still in a place where lies could be detected, holding secrets that could get them and their entire species killed. Crunch, the Captain just had a knife fight with one of the Masters that held their fate in their hands.

 

Oddly, Yvian hadn't been that nervous watching the human fight for his life. Mims had stressed over and over how dangerous and unpredictable knife fights could be, but the thought of him getting hurt never crossed her mind. Knifehands had the weight advantage. Mims had been unarmed. The poor krog never stood a chance. Yvian had been training and sparring against Mims for months, and she had yet to land a hit on the motherless son.

 

Once Knifehands was back in his original place, the Grandmaster slammed his steel orb onto his desk again, making the familiar gong sound. "Now Knifehands done being dumbass, Performance Evaluation get done. Master Fightsmart, you Battle Master. Say what done."

 

Master Fightsmart pushed a button on his desk. A blue orb of light appeared above it. "Yes, Grandmaster. Month eight, day 25, 1320 hours, Klaath Incursion start. Fightsmart invoke Patriot Protection Act, call for help. Blockhead respond. Say she bring fighty ships..."

 

As the Admiral spoke, a holographic display appeared above the platform Yvian was standing on. The display took up most of the space in the amphitheater. It shifted as the Battle Master spoke, showing sensor readings and other pertinent information as Fightsmart narrated the battle. The krog paused when he reached the part where Mims handed over control of his fleet.

 

"This Mimsey-cake fleet." The display showed a list of ships. "Four destroyers, four carriers, twelve battlecruisers. Twenty four frigates. Three hundred twenty one fighters. All Capital ships got Jumpdrive."' There was some muttering at this. Jumpdrives were relatively new technology, and very expensive. The Confed Military hadn't even started using them yet.

 

"How Mimsy-cake get so many Jumpdrives?" one of the other Masters asked. Yvian recognized her as one of the ones who'd been yelling "kill the human" a few minutes ago.

 

"Venturetech," Mims explained. "I own the company." The Board muttered some more. They seemed impressed. Another fifteen minutes was spent grilling the Captain on technical details on the fleet and how he deployed it.

 

Once it looked like all the questions had been answered, Fightsmart said. "Moving on. Mimsey-cake fleet protect Jumpgates. Krog Militia attack Klaath RingGates. Not enough to hit all. Mimsey-cake, Blockhead, and Prettypants take one cruiser, two frigates, and own ships and attack last RingGate..."

 

Yvian thought she'd be bored listening to the Admiral rehash a fight she'd already lived through, but she learned some things she'd been too busy to notice during the battle. The fight had been even more desperate than she'd thought. Two of the Militia fleets had been destroyed before they could reach the RingGates. Fightsmart had used Jumpdrives to bring most of the Captain's fleet to one Gate, and launched a new push using every ship he deemed fast enough. Every cruiser, frigate, and fighter moved at maximum acceleration, desperate to shut down the Rings before the Queenships could enter the system. The half attacking the closer Ring succeeded, but the other half didn't get there in time. Eight Queenships emerged from the last RingGate. Their powerful beam weapons turned the fleet into a cloud of debris in minutes.

 

Fightsmart ordered the remaining capitol ships to group up and abandon the Jumpgates. The remaining frigates and battlecruisers joined them. They linked up with the few remaining Militia forces and made straight for the Queens. Admiral Fightsmart knew they wouldn't be enough to defeat a single Klaath Queen, let alone eight. He sent them anyway. It was all he could do.

The fleet plowed through the void, their combined firepower more than enough to decimate the resistance thrown up by Klaath Destroyers and their entourage. It didn't matter. As soon as they came within two hundred thousand kilometers, the Queenships opened fire.

 

The larger ships were targeted first. The destroyers, carriers, and most of the cruisers were blown out of the sky as quickly and easily as the last fleet had been. Just when all seemed lost, the Klaath stopped firing. A few seconds later the RingGate broke apart. The klusters that had maintained it all veered out of the rotation, moving to surround the eight Queenships that were now missing a third of their hull.

 

"Queenships damaged," said Fightsmart. "Not dead. Still coordinate other Klaath." The fight played out in fast forward as the remains of Mims' fleet made a desperate push to reach the Queenships. "Got beam frigate within ninety thousand klicks. Killed Queens. Other Klaath go crazy. Kill fleet. But Queens dead. Most destroyers dead. Militia Reinforcements showed up later. Killed rest. Took week."

 

"Queens should've killed fleet. Didn't know why they stopped. Why RingGate stopped." The holographic display changed, showing the sensor display from the Random Encounter after they'd found themselves in Klaath space. "Know now. Blockhead done it."

 

Admiral Fightsmart narrated as Yvian watched her desperate ploy replayed. The whole thing made her look far more impressive than she'd felt at the time. She watched Mims link up with her legless former self as the Wandering Lady barreled towards the Queenships with its improvised payload of Vore. It took nearly an hour for her beloved former ship to crash into them. Tendrils of silvery nanotech shot out in all directions, infecting the Klaath with frightening speed. Then the RingGate closed, severing the Queenships before the Vore could take them over.

 

"Mimsey-cake moved ship," Fightsmart finished. "Studied nanotech weapon. Five days. Then left."

 

The Board of Masters asked questions. Most of them were for Mims, but Yvian answered a few, as well. Lissa was asked to share what she'd learned studying the Vore. Eventually, one of the Masters asked the question Yvian had been dreading.

 

"No Jumpgates in Klaath space," said the Master. "How you get back?"

 

"The jumpdrive," Mims answered. "Apparently if you activate it without nav data it takes you to the closest Gate." He frowned. "Or a random one. We're not really sure."

 

"Where you end up?"

 

"Xill space."

 

Shocked exclamations ensued. After a few seconds the Board calmed down enough that

 

Fightsmart asked, "You fought through Xill space?"

 

"No." The Captain visibly resisted the urge to scratch the back of his head. "The Xill escorted us out. They don't attack humans unless provoked."

 

Fightsmart frowned. "Why not?"

 

Mims shrugged. "Been that way for centuries. The government never explained it. I don't think they knew."

 

Half an hour later, the Board decided they'd asked enough questions. The Grandmaster banged his desk gong and declared the Performance Evaluation over. Mims and company were escorted out of the amphitheater, along with Danil and his camera drone. They were taken down a hallway and into a smaller conference room with a long intricately carved wooden table at it's center.

Lunch was brought to them. Gribsteak and steamed tubers. It was good. After eating, they waited. Yvian spent the time with her helmet on, listening to an audiobook.

 

Two hours later, King Tallest walked in. Behind him came Admiral Fightsmart. They were back in their regular clothes, and the King's turret crown clung to his massive skull at a jaunty angle. Behind them came four guards carrying a truthiness box. Behind the guards came more guards. A lot more. By the time the truthiness box was set down on the table, thirty armed krog lined the walls of the conference room.

 

"This part not get recorded," The Tallest told Danil. "Wait outside."

 

Once the reporter and his drone shuffled past the guards and out of the room, the King turned to Mims. "Mimsey-cake," said the King. "Board of Masters decided. Award you Certificate of Excellence."

 

The Captain blinked. "Excellence?"

 

"Excellence," said the King. "You done good."

 

"What's that mean?" Lissa asked.

 

"It's the highest honor the krog can bestow,' Mims explained. He frowned. "I was hoping for a Done Good. Maybe even a Certificate of Competence. But this..."

 

"Only five Certificates ever awarded," said Admiral Fightsmart. "Last was two hundred years ago. Made him King."

 

"Great ancestor," added Tallest, pointing at himself.

 

"Does that mean..." Yvian cast a nervous glance at the armed guards around them. "Are they planning to make us King?"

 

"Ha!" the Tallest snorted. "No. You kill good. Not same as being King. King find competent people, makes work. You work for Tallest. Make Tallest look good. Krog say, Tallest wise King. Find best people."

 

"Oh." Maybe the guards weren't here for them. Maybe the Tallest just always had a bunch of guards. "Good."

 

"What's with the muscle?" asked the Captain. He gestured at the mass of guards around them. "That's a lot of firepower just to deliver good news." So they weren't a normal thing. Shit. Yvian tensed up again.

 

The King of the Krog leaned forward in his chair. "Board of Masters not know how dangerous is Mimsey-cake. Even after Knifehands, not know. But Tallest knows. Tallest not take chances."

 

Yvian spared another glance at the guards. They were armored, and armed with plasma rifles. Against three unarmed pixenoids, they represented an overwhelming force. But not against Mims and the sisters. The krog didn't know about their voidarmor. Between the shields, strength enhancements, and the Captains hidden stash of ion grenades, there might not be enough guards in the entire Hall of Masters to stop the three of them fighting their way out. By the Crunch, no wonder Mims had been so insistent they hide what the armor could do. Against anyone not prepared to counter it, they were unstoppable.

 

The Tallest leaned back again as he continued. "Tallest not planning to kill heroes of krog. But not take chances. Have to make sure."

 

"Make sure of what?" asked Lissa.

 

"That heroes be heroes," said the King. "Not traitors to krog. Tallest has questions." The turret in his crown swiveled to point at the Captain. "Answer good, no problem. Lie, Tallest kill. No answer, Tallest kill. Got it?"

 

The Captain looked at the King. He nodded slowly. "Understood. What's this about?"

 

King Tallest gestured at Fightsmart. "Tell 'em."

 

Admiral Fightsmart shifted, activating the holo display on his wrist console. "Four hours ago, ships came out Gate. Human. Militia engaged. Lost four ships. Humans escaped." He pierced Mims with his gaze. "Used Jumpdrives."

 

Yvian's eyes widened. Crunch. The Captain eyed Fightsmart quizzically for a moment. Then he nodded to himself. "Right. You didn't know."

 

"Where human ships get Jumpdrives?" asked the Admiral.

 

"Most human ships have one," answered the Captain. "The Federation's been using Jumpdrives for years."

 

"Where'd they get the tech?" the Admiral pressed. "You give?"

 

Yvian's eyes flicked between the Captain and the truthiness box. She blinked, forcing herself to settle her gaze on the Captain. She didn't know how he'd answer, but she did know they were dead if she gave them away. King Tallest had already noticed her expression. He eyed her with interest.

 

The Captain shrugged. "Didn't have to." The truthiness box stayed silent. "Jumpdrives are an offshoot of Node Technology."

 

"Venturetech technology," The King of the Krog interjected. "From company you own."

 

"And where do you think I got that tech?" asked the Captain. "I'm not a scientist. I kill things. I barely understand how any of this stuff works."

 

King Tallest frowned at Mims. Realization struck. "Humans." He shared a look with Fightsmart, eyes wide. "You stole tech from humans."

 

"Most of Venturetech is built off human tech." The Captain scratched his head. "Our R and... Our Research and Development did have to figure out the drive on their own. I wasn't able to acquire schematics."

 

The King of the krog chuckled. "No wonder they try kill you."

 

Admiral Fightsmart sat back, looking thoughtful. "Mimsy-cake," he asked. "Who else have Jumpdrive?"

 

Captain Mims considered the question. "Hmm. The Oluken might. They trade with the Federation. The Vrrl don't yet, but I'm sure they're trying to capture one and reverse engineer it as we speak." He took a breath and let it out through his nose. "And the Xill. Probably."

 

"Xill!?" Fightsmart sputtered. "Xill have Jumpdrive!?"

 

"If they don't, they will soon," the human told him. "They just formed an alliance with the Federation. They're pooling their technology to deal with the Vore."

 

Fightsmart uttered a long string of colorful curses. Yvian could understand where he was coming from. The Confederation relied on a mass of ships and defenses in their border sectors to keep the Xill and the humans out of their space. Now all of those defenses would be useless. Either group could invade with impunity and at will. Without jumpdrives of their own, the Confed military couldn't do a thing about it.

 

"I'd strongly suggest you start outfitting your fleets," Mims told him. "The Klaath aren't the only threat that can pop in out of nowhere anymore."

 

Fightsmart kept cursing. King Tallest spoke. "Already doing. Building fleet. Based off Mimsey-cake fleet. Jumpdrives all." The King scratched his chin. "Might need take more steps. Fightsmart deal with later." He paused. A suspicion formed. "How you know about alliance, Mimsey-cake? Thought you exiled."

 

The Captain gravely met his gaze. "I brokered it."

 

"You what?"

 

"I brokered it." Mims pulled a data cartridge from his suit. "There's more. I didn't want to bring it up in front of the Board, but we're all in deep shit right now. The Vore are coming. They'll be here in less than a year."

 

The Captain explained their encounter with the Xill. He left out quite a bit. Exodus was only referred to as the Representative, and there was no mention of the nature of the Xill or the hand they played in causing the Yolobros to create the Vore. He also neglected to mention the deal they made to get a planet in exchange for a Node and a jumpdrive. All things that would get them killed if the King learned of them.

 

The King and the Admiral listened, asking questions. Mims told them everything he knew about the Vore, the lucendian ship, and brokering the alliance with the humans. Yvian and Lissa added a few things here and there, but mostly they let the Captain do the talking.

 

When the story was told, Mims slid the data cartridge across the table to the King. "Here's everything we know about the Vore, and the scans we took in the Lucendian ship. I threw in some transcripts from meeting the Xill Representative. They're not exact, but I wrote down what I could remember."

 

King Tallest grunted as he picked up the cartridge. "Knew you hiding something. Not guessed you hiding this." He handed the cartridge to Fightsmart, then clamped a massive hand on the human's shoulder. "You say you not loyal. Not lie. But wrong. All three of you," He swept his gaze across them. "Good krog. Make Tallest proud."

 

The King stood. Fightsmart stood with him. "Stay in Hall of Masters tonight. Hall of Masters scan shielded. Safe. Tomorrow we give certificate. Big ceremony for heroes of krog."

 

"And the Vore?" Yvian asked. "What are we going to do about them?"

 

"Don't know yet," The Tallest admitted. "No worry. We take serious. Alert Confed. Even if rest of Confed ignore, krog will be ready. You have word of Tallest."

 

"Thank you, mighty Tallest." Mims stood and gave a bow, palms outstretched. The girls followed his lead. "That's good to hear."

 

"Course it is." The Tallest snorted. "Tallest is good king." He made a gesture. Four of the guards picked up the truthiness box. The King of the Krog and his entourage filed out, leaving Mims and the pixens alone in the conference room.

 

As soon as the door closed, Yvian slumped down with a sigh. "That... I've been less nervous when people were shooting at us."

 

"Bright Lady, yes," Lissa seconded. "Please tell me we aren't doing any more of this today."

 

"I think we're good," the Captain assured her. "But don't relax too much. We're not in the clear until we're back on the Encounter. Maybe not even then," He sighed. "I hate politics."

 

"Speaking of politics," Lissa gave him a questioning look. "I thought we were dead when Tallest asked if you gave the Federation a jumpdrive. How'd you get around the truthiness box?"

 

"I didn't," he told her. "I told the truth."

 

"The truth?" she raised an eyebrow. "You said you didn't give the Federation a jumpdrive."

 

"No, I said I didn't have to," Mims corrected. "And that's true." He shrugged. "Technically."