Her True Form

Yvette barely resisted the urge to break down into squeals of delight when she saw the first building, coming into sight when they crossed one final, small hill. The forest and the road continued on, but a small town had formed besides it. Dozens of buildings were scattered, with the forested area around the town having been cut back heavily. Spreading out from the town were farms, with small cottages and barns spread across the countryside.

It was far different from the hills and trees she’d seen up to this point. She felt her heart pounding hard, her hand gripping the reins tightly.

“Don’t gallop,” Gervas warned. “You’ll hurt yourself.”

She almost snapped at him, but stopped herself. As much as she wanted to tell him he was wrong, she knew he was right. Her body ached too much right now, just remaining at the gentle pace made her want to jump off the horse and never ride again. To distract herself, she mentally went over the details she knew about this town.

There weren’t many, unfortunately. Called Erdenrest, the only thing she really knew about it was that there was a mage living here, one of the children of the mage who had settled and had the town form around them. She’d never met the mage, as they were known to be a bit of a recluse. Her master had mentioned a desire to visit him many times, but had never actually made the trip.

After a few painful minutes of riding, the small homes of the town coming ever closer, she saw movement. Her heart did a little jump when she saw a figure standing by one of the cottages, talking with a woman with a bandaged arm. He was wearing a silk robe, the same as her master. Gervas reached over and gripped the reins of her horse when they came closer, pulling them to a stop near the man.

She stared at the master, her heart pounding and mouth dry. She felt all too overwhelmed. What could she say? He was a true master, so far above her she--

The thoughts left her mind when she remembered that she was a journeyman now. While she was below his rank, she was at least worth notice now. She didn’t have to be nervous around him.

But she had never met a master, face to face, aside from Betan. The few times other masters (and once even a grandmaster) had come to meet with their master, the apprentice’s role was to keep their head down and avoid disturbing them.

“Place a thin layer of the salve on twice a day. It will deal with any infection that remains,” the man said before handing the woman a small vial filled with blue liquid. He then turned to them, his eyes focusing instantly on Yvette causing her to jump.

He was far younger than her master, though still at least a decade or two her elder. However, his small, perfectly groomed beard and short hair were solid black, without a single hint of gray in them. His face was bereft of wrinkles aside from a few smile lines, which only seemed to grow when he let out a hearty laugh. “Ho there! It has been many, many years since I have had a journeyman come through these parts!” he said, his voice firm and booming. “I am Master Neil. Tell me, who do I have the fine honor of greeting, lady…?” he asked.

Yvette’s heart nearly stopped, her eyes widening. He called her lady. Her heart was hammering and she didn’t know what to say. But she felt a happy warmth rise over her. For once, she wouldn’t have to fight or argue, she could--

“Not lady,” Gervas said, shaking his head. “HE is Journeyman Tebaud, he just enjoys those robes.”

Her heart felt as if it was going to shatter. She could see it on Neil’s face. The confusion, the way he stared at her. Then the moment of realization. Finally, the man nodded. “Ah, my apologies. Lord Tebaud. And you are…?”

“I am the young lord’s bodyguard, Gervas. We’ve come to seek shelter for the night, Lord Neil.”

“Of course! You will be my honored guest for the evening! It has been so long since I've entertained journeyman. Tell me, Lord Tebaud, what brings you here?” He turned and his horse began to trot lightly back to the town. With a light tug and squeeze of his legs, both his horse and hers began to move forward. “It’s not often journeymen come this way, most prefer to avoid coming near the woods.”

Yvette didn’t stir. She could barely process what had happened. For a few, scant seconds she had been so happy. Someone had called her a girl. Someone had looked at her and seen her as a girl. Now it was all gone, taken away by her guardian.

She shook her head. “Lord… Lord Neil?” she asked softly.

“Yes?” he asked, glancing back at her.

“C-call me Yvette.”

The man frowned, eyeing her for a moment. He then let out a light laugh. “Ahhhh, I see. A girl’s name, I understand.”

She relaxed.

“You don’t need to worry about that, I won’t mock you for wearing a girl’s robe. There’s no need for you to fret, even in that color you look nothing like a girl.”

The words stabbed through her like a knife and she stared at him, her body quivering. Suddenly the pain from the horseback riding didn’t seem so bad and she only wished they could keep going, rather than stay a full night in this place.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t meant to be. They were led through the small town and to a single, large building that she had mistaken for an inn at first glance. The pair were led to an attached stable where a servant was waiting to take their horses.

Gervas, however, jumped down with practiced ease. “I’ll tend to the horses. I’m sure you’d enjoy some time to talk together.”

Yvette climbed down from the horse far less gracefully. She noticed that Neil seemed to struggle as well. She followed the master into his home, looking around. Opposed to the stone tower her master resided in, everything seemed to be built of wood here. Strange charms covered the walls, so many she could barely make out the wood beneath them. Some small enough they could easily fit in her palm, while others were so large they had to rest at an angle so they could fit between the floor and roof. “You like charms?” she asked softly.

“Indeed,” he said with a light laugh. “I’ve always been talented at enchanting, you see. Runs in the family. For generations my family has been crafting charms and, with every new home we find, we take a bit of what we’ve created with us. Many of these were my father’s, from when he first came.”

She nodded. “I see. That’s very nice,” she mumbled, following him into the master’s study. The room was spacious, while the house appeared to be two stories tall, this room in particular seemed to hold both floors together, with bookshelves lining two of the walls and a tall ladder attached to it, that went almost to the roof. On the left side of the room from the entrance a desk, cluttered with scrolls, was resting besides assorted tools. In the center of the room were two chairs with thick padding, so large they were almost thrones. “It’s nice. You work here?”

“Often.” He walked to the chair facing the door and sat down, before motioning for her to set. “I get it from my father, you see. It is why he settled here, we have both always enjoyed our privacy. Though, I cannot deny that even I, sometimes, miss the company of others like myself. It feels like it has been years since I have had a chance to speak with another mage. Tell me, what brings you here?” He motioned to the chair for her to sit.

She nodded and lowered herself into it, giving a low gasp. Despite how tense and hurt her muscles were, it felt as if the chair was melting them away. “This chair is amazing,” she said, her voice filled with awe.

“I’m happy you think so, I’ve dedicated enough time and research to it. Why, you can never have a chair that’s too comfortable, especially when you spend as much time as us studying in one, no?” he asked with a laugh.

“Right,” Yvette said.

“Please, help yourself,” Neil said before leaning forward, taking a small, wooden mug off the small table between the chairs. A second, steaming mug was waiting.

She stared at it for a few moments, not sure if the drinks, or even the table, had been here when she arrived. She reached out, cringing slightly from her pained muscles, and took the remaining mug. She took a small drink. Her eyes widened at the sweet nectar, the spices itching her nose. “W-what is this?”

“Blueberry cider with a few special additions. I am particularly fond of the honey, don’t you agree?”

She gave a small nod, staring into the mug. It was very smooth and soothing. She gave a small sniff, she was certain she could smell cinnamon in it. She realized she was delaying the inevitable. But the idea of talking right now, especially to him, made her heart hurt. He’d called her lady. For just a second, she’d felt great. She’d felt as if what she wanted was okay. The closest she ever came to that was when Ermina would humor her requests, though that rarely lasted long. She felt tears well up in her eyes when she thought about how his first thought had been ‘lady’.

“Lord Tebaud?” he asked.

She was shaken from her thoughts a moment later. “Huh? Oh. Right. What was the question?”

“What brings you here? It’s not very often that journeymen come this way. Which city are you heading to?”

“Oh… I’m a traveling journeyman. I’m not heading to any city. I’ve taken the path of a traveler.”

“A traveler? My my my...” he mumbled, leaning back and lightly swirling his cider. “That is very rare these days. Tell me, what brought this on?”

“I just wanted to see the world. See where I could go. What I could do. I… I’m heading up to the vault, now. I thought it would be a great place to draw inspiration from, in my training.”

He nodded. “I see. The Vault of Mirrored Dreams, I take it? Yes. A place all young journeymen should visit if given the chance. The birthplace of magic, so they say. Though that was many generations ago. I went there once as an apprentice.”

Her heart did a leap, though she tried to keep herself calm. “You did? What was it like?”

“Hot,” he said with a laugh. “But then, deep in the heart of a volcano, how could it not be? It was incredible. To feel the pulsing heart of the world, the living, breathing magic that flows through that land.”

She nodded. “What did you see?”

He gave a light laugh. “Ancient artifacts I could only dream of one day creating. The history there is something you must truly see to understand.”

“And spells. As the birthplace of magic it must have all kinds of weird magic practiced there, right?” Yvette asked, staring intently at the master.

Neil chuckled softly. “Ahhhh, I see. I know what you’re after. The Tome of Forbidden Spells, correct?”

Her breath caught and her heart pounded faster. Was it so obvious? Did he already know what she was after?

“It’s only natural, I suppose. Magic like that is something you’ve only ever heard of in myths and legends, no? Yes, I’ve seen it. Never got the chance to touch it, though. But I understand why so many mages would desire to. It was a tome like no other. A cover of solid gold, its pages glimmering like silver. As an enchanter, I can tell you the magic I felt from them was unlike anything I have ever felt before. A collection of spells so dangerous and powerful that none but the greatest amongst grandmasters can be permitted to gaze upon them.”

She nodded, breathing out and calming down. She supposed she had no reason to be surprised, there were probably dozens of journeymen making their way there every year. She’d be just the same as any of them, albeit with a different goal. If she could just get her hands on that tome for a second and find out the components for the spell, she could make her transformation permanent.

“Where do you plan to travel after that?”

“North,” she said quickly. “Further north. There’s still a lot for me to see and experience.”

“Ah yes, a mind eager to learn and explore. There seem to be fewer and fewer mages like that these days. They grow accustomed to the luxuries of their master and then, when they become journeymen, they find some other small town and decide to gain those luxuries of their own. In a way, I envy you. The world, so fresh and ripe with possibilities. Why, you can go anywhere you wish, find a new home, be anything you desire!”

“If only it was that easy...” she muttered, slowly swirling her drink and staring at it.

“Tebaud?” he asked.

She cringed again. “It’s...” She then eyed the master. She remembered all the little fights she had had with Betan over the years. Every time she asked him to call her Yvette, the way she asked him to treat her like a girl. Even all the fights she had to have before he let her wear the female robes without him demanding she change. She was already exhausted from fighting with Gervas and Neil’s prior words. She shook her head. “I’m sorry to ask. But I’m exhausted and just sore. Do you have a guest room I could rest in? I just think I need to lay down for a couple of hours.”

“Oh, of course, how selfish of me,” he said before getting to his feet. “After your travels you must be exhausted. I’m sorry, it really has been so long since I’ve had visitors,” he said before walking towards the door.

She placed her mug down and slowly got to her feet, the aches in her muscles objecting to leaving the heavenly chair. Still, she followed after him. He lead her through the house and up to the second floor, though each step made her whimper, before finally leading her into a room.

The room was quite spacious, with two beds up against the left wall, a rather large window with slats and a single desk on the right wall. “If you require anything, please, don’t hesitate to call on one of the servants,” with those parting words he closed the door.

She walked towards the bed, her hand moving around her body, cleansing away the dirt and sweat with her simple spell. While she longed for a warm bath, the idea of doing anything except crawling into bed sounded like far too much work. She unbuckled her belt and tossed it aside, her tunic, robe and breeches following suit a moment later.

She collapsed onto the bed and whimpered. Even if she had lost all of her clothes, at least her undergarments were her own. She couldn’t believe Betan could do that to her. He’d had no right, those clothes had been hers. She had worked on them, gathered them. Fought with him a thousand times to protect them.

Tears welled up in her eyes while she thought of the dresses she’d acquired. There had been a pretty blue one she had gotten during a fair. A soft brown one that she had purchased off travelers. A few she had acquired from different traders. Then there was the jewelry. It wasn’t very much, a few simple necklaces, made of cheap beads, pretty rocks and shells.

They hadn’t been much but they had been hers. She pulled a pillow from under her head and hugged it to her chest, before burying her face against it and letting out a scream. She was a journeyman now. She was supposed to be able to do whatever she wanted, wear whatever she wanted. Be herself. She had practiced and studied and learned and endured so, so much to get here.

Yet it was almost as bad as being back home. Some days it felt as if she had only just survived while in that tower. As if all she had to do was endure until this day. Until the moment she could be herself.

Except now she had Gervas. She couldn’t believe he had just outed her like that. For a few scant moments she had been so happy, it had all felt as if it was worth it. Only to have it snatched from her grasp in a moment. She couldn’t contain it anymore. She started to sob into the pillow, her tears flowing free.

The door opened and her head whipped around, staring at the doorway. Gervas stared back at her, holding his equipment in his hands. For just a moment, she thought she saw concern on his face. But then it vanished and was replaced with annoyance. “Are you crying?”

“G-go away...” she mumbled, burying her head in the pillow. “J-just go away!”

“Why? Can’t enjoy your self pity with someone here?” he asked before he began to undress as well. He rested his swords and shield on the desk before he leaned his spear on the wall. He then began removing his chainmail hauberk, carefully laying it out. “You should be talking to Neil. He’s one of your kind, isn’t he? He seemed eager, as well. You should have a--”

“Why?” Yvette asked, staring up at him, clutching the pillow tight. “Why did you do it?”

“Do what?”

“Why did you tell him I was a boy? He thought I was a girl. He was… he...”

“What, he bought this little farce you’ve been trying to fill my head with?” Gervas asked, turning to face her. He crossed his arms and glared down at her. “You’re a boy. It’s obvious you’re a boy. Stop this stupid little game. Nobody is falling for it. You’re wasting your time.”

“Why?” she asked softly. “W-why? Who am I hurting?”

“Excuse me?”

“I just want to be a g-girl. I just want to…. I just want to be like this. To be me. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

“Sure it is,” he said with a dismissive wave of his hand.

“Why are you so cruel?” she asked gently, shaking her head. “Why? I’m not hurting anyone. I’m not doing anything b-bad. Why can’t you just let me be me?”

He shook his head before laying down on the other bed. “It’s for your own good, Tebaud. This game of yours--”

“It’s not a game!” she screamed, before burying her face in her pillow. “Why? Why won’t you just LISTEN?! I just want to be me! I just want to be a girl! Why can’t you just let me?”

“Because you’re not a girl. No one is ever going to believe you are.”

She shuddered, burying her head in the pillow. She didn’t care anymore. “Go away…”

“Excuse me?”

“Go away. I don’t… I don’t care anymore. Just take your horse and and go. Your services as a guardian are no longer needed.”

He gave a light chuckle and shook his head. “No.”

“W-what do you mean, no?”

“I mean, no. I was hired to keep you safe.”

“You… you can’t do that! You work for me!”

“I work for Betan. He hired me to make sure you didn’t kill yourself. That’s what I’m doing.”

“But I don’t want you to! You’re making everything worse!”

“You think you’re the first person I’ve protected who didn’t want me to be there? You spoiled kids are always like that.”

Yvette rolled so her back was to him, hugging the pillow closer to her chest and sobbing into it.

“Cry all you want, it won’t change anything. Betan let me know everything.”

Eventually her tears stopped and she closed her eyes, laying there. Her eyes burned, her body ached and her heart felt like it was being cut in two. She couldn’t believe she had to deal with him now. She’d finally escaped one home that wouldn’t allow her to be herself, why did she have to deal with another?

She tightened her grip on the pillow and gave a soft, gentle sigh. No, she wouldn’t. She didn’t care if she had to find her way to the vault all on her own. Even if it took her months, she would do it as herself. Even if the whole world refused to let her be herself, she WOULD be Yvette. Tebaud was gone. Forever.

She relaxed and let out a sigh of relief, loosening her grip on the pillow. Despite the aches across her body, she felt better now. She had a plan. She knew what she would do. She knew she would never have to listen to him again.

For now, all she had to do was rest and recover. Her mind cleared for the first time in days, she let the darkness of sleep envelop her.