Heart of Dorkness

“Road!” I call out.

Felix and I stumble across the grassy expanse just outside of the forest, and towards the edge of the road. There’s a small ditch there, but it’s barely an inconvenience to jump over it, and Felix is light—and happy—enough that she hops over in a single bound.

“This is good, right?” Felix asks.

“It’s great,” I say. And it is. The road means we have a direction. It’ll be basically impossible to get lost now. As long as we head westward, we should stumble into the capital eventually. Also, I like being able to walk on solid ground. No roots, no bushes, nothing to trip on, and clear sight for a long way in at least two directions--which is better than the no directions in the woods.

Felix smiles and points down the road. “That way?”

“Yup,” I say. “That’s west.”

“I never get lost in Santafaria, but I think I might get lost out here.”

“No landmarks?” I ask.

“Landmarks?”

I walk next to Felix, keeping pace. “A landmark is a large thing that’s easy to see and that can help guide you.”

“Oh. Do landmarks count if they’re noises?” she asks.

“I... have no idea. I guess so. As long as it helps you figure out where you’re going.” I tug my cloak off, then fold it over an arm. It’s nice out, warm. Monsterra is a hot place. Or at least this part of it, around the Kingdom of Heroe. Mom’s place to the north of here is actually warmer, despite being further away from the equator.

I don’t know enough about geography to know if that’s normal or not.

“I’m happy you’re here,” I tell Felix. She tilts her head to the side, an obvious question. “It makes it less lonely. If you weren’t here, it would just be me and some monster pals, but they’re not too talkative, not unless they’re in their upper levels.”

“You’re welcome, Miss Valeria,” Felix says.

“Just Valeria, I told you... Miss Felix.”

Felix laughs. “I don’t think I can look like a Miss.”

“Looking like a Miss isn’t important. It’s the attitude. Mom gave me a few lessons about it; she thinks that it’s very important, and I trust her when she says that.”

“The attitude?”

I nod. “Yup. A good-enough actor could walk into a town naked and have people snapping to attention. I’m pretty sure Mom has convinced people not to mess with her just by walking into a room the right way. She keeps telling me that being an evil person is easy, but being a good villain requires a lot of hard work.”

“You want to be a villain?”

“Well, yeah, my Mom’s the big bad of this world. Do you know how many books have her as the bad guy? Well, I guess you don’t. But yeah, no one likes Mom, even though she’s really cool and awesome. So I don’t really have much of a choice. I’m going to be the best bad guy ever, for Mom.”

Felix is quiet for a while as we walk on. I’m starting to worry that maybe I said something wrong. I was a little enthusiastic about the whole villainy thing, but it’s basically true. I look like a monster, and unless I want to hide for the rest of my life, I don’t have much of a choice.

Not that I mind. Sure, I think--and Mom agrees--that my natural way of acting leans more towards helping people. But that doesn’t mean that I can be a good Dark Princess of Evil if I don’t put in the work!

“If you become a villain, can I be one of your thugs?”

“A thug?” I ask.

“Yeah, like Fancy has.”

I scoff. “Felix, Fancy isn’t a villain, he’s like... some profiteering guy. He’s barely a footnote. No, no, Mom and I—well, mostly Mom—are capital ‘V’ Villains. Villains don’t have thugs, they have minions.”

“What’s the difference?”

I hum in thought for a moment. “Mostly it’s in level, I think. Thugs are pretty common, and they’re not that impressive. Goons and minions are a lot rarer and stronger.”

“Oh,” Felix says. “If I get a class like that, maybe I’ll take it.”

I nod. “You might get some looks for having two classes.”

“But if I act like I deserve them, it won’t be a problem, right?” Felix asks with a grin.

I laugh. “I guess not.” Two classes isn’t so uncommon. Most people with an important job will get one, and I think most full-citizens can get a second class. It’s really hard for a woman to become a citizen though.

Maybe Felix can pass for a boy later? Or a noblewoman with a bit of make-up and a nice dress.

“We’ll figure something out,” I say. “Especially if you come home with me.”

“Home, you mean where the Dark Goddess lives?” Felix looks apprehensive, and I can totally understand her. I’d be nervous about meeting a friend’s Mom too, especially if she was the best mom ever.

“My Mom’s ni--”

Felix raises a hand before me, then turns her head around to look behind us. Her steady walk slows down a bunch. “There’s something coming,” she says.

I listen, but I can’t hear anything in the distance. Still, I’m not going to just stand around out in the open while trouble comes running. “Let’s get off the road,” I say.

Felix nods, then gives me her hand so I can help guide her off the road and over the ditch on the other side. The boundary space between the road and the woods isn’t too thick here, so we don’t have far to go before we’re half-hidden by a few trees.

I pull on my cloak, just in case. If there are humans coming, it would be best that they don’t see us.

The problem is, I can’t see anything coming, and the road is clear for a long way.

“Are you sure?” I ask Felix.

The girl nods. “I can still hear it. I think it’s a cart?”

A cart means people. It might also mean slow people. “We have some time, then,” I say. I find a fallen tree that can serve as a bench, then fetch one of my little friends from my clothes. They don’t like it when I’m moving around too much, but they’re usually pretty good about complaining. “I’m going to need a minute or two. I want to do something.”

“Sure,” Felix says as she sits next to me.

I send one little friend up into the air on a mission to find something. Meanwhile, I grab another, a small beetle friend that isn’t always useful in a fight, but he has great wings and a good head on his... well, he doesn’t have shoulders, exoskeletons being what they are.

I whisper a message to my little friend, just something to relay to Mom. I’m okay, though my adventure is more complicated than I’d expected it to be. I tell her that I could probably use a tiny bit more help, but that I’ll be fine. I spent a lot of my gold, but I still have a little. Oh, and she doesn’t need to worry! I’ll get her books back, and make sure to find out as much as I can about the people who burned her temple down!

My little friend returns, and he brings a strange new friend with him. A moody-looking raven monster, the sort that will caw at people from outside a city wall until they go mad. “Hello,” I say. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“Caw,” the monster replies.

“Indeed. I need a small favour. I have this friend here.” I show the raven-monster my little beetle monster. “And he needs to be brought to Mom—that is, the Goddess of Darkness.”

The raven monster eyes me critically. “Caw.”

“I know, it is pretty far. And I don’t really have anything to give you.”

He looks at my shirt, with all of its shiny embroidery. “Caw.”

“No, not even a shiny.” I do need my remaining gold, and I’m not about to go around shirtless! “But I’m positive Mom will be very pleased with the brave bird that flew so far to deliver such an important message. She’s sure to reward you. You can even tell her that I told you as much.”

I rub at the monster’s head for good measure.

It looks to Felix. “Caw.”

“No, you can’t have a snack for the flight. Here, open your beak.”

I slip the beetle in, the entire thing too big to be swallowed by accident. “Chaahw,” the raven monster says past a full beak.

“Yup,” I reply. “Now go, fast! It’s important that you deliver this as quickly as your wings can take you.”

The monster bows its head, then takes off in a flutter of pitch-black wings.

Now we just need to see about the oncoming company.

***