Gardenia of Blooming Desire

"Ramuja, I love you…"

That sentence lingered in my mind. I stood stupefied. I didn't know how to react. Merry stared at me with her big eyes, seeing me not responding made her eyes watery as she was about to cry.

Merry clenched the gardenia in her palm and her expression was grieving. I could hear her voice trembled, almost like begging, "If… if you are going to reject me… at least give me a reason, then I can let go…"

I was still in silence. No one ever did such thing to me, to confess to someone like me, a sex slave.

"Ramuja? Please say something," Merry pleaded.

"I… I don't know what to say…"

'Should I say that I was a sex slave, and I have somebody else in my heart…'

'If I do, would she be disgusted by me?'

'And that somebody else… it's just my hopeless thinking…'

I gulped. I was really unsure how to respond to this.

"If you reject me because I'm ugly… then please just say that…" Merry said, tears welled her eyes and dripped to her cheeks. "I… may not be much."

"No! Not that," Ramuja immediately denied. Merry wasn't ugly at all, she was a cute, village girl. She has long, black hair, paired with her soft features and a kind smile. She emitted tenderness that made people comfortable around her.

"Then, can you give me an answer?" Merry asked again.

"Let's… go inside, okay? It's freezing here," I suggested.

She shook her head and persistently said. "No, I want to know your answer."

Again, I kept my silence and we stood in this freezing night awkwardly. If I kept my silence forever, Merry might die freezing.

'If I reject her now, would she be very heartbroken? I don't know what should I do…'

I took a deep breath and finally said, "Give me one day, okay?"

Merry's face finally brightened a little. "Okay, then I will wait until tomorrow night."

We went back to the house and to our respective room. I locked the door and saw Jon sleeping peacefully.

I was disordered. I absentmindedly rummaged through my belonging in the chest and took Young Lord's golden pin.

I didn't know what I was thinking, but this night, I couldn't sleep peacefully without this pin in my hand.

'My servant…' I heard a voice, a familiar voice that haunted me. But now, I felt very soothing.

'Have you forgotten about me? Leaving me alone in this palace…' I wanted to say no. I didn't leave Young Lord because I wanted to. It was because Grand Duchess forced me. But I couldn't make any noise. I finally saw Young Lord in front of him, his expression cold.

'Since you've forgotten about me, then I don't need you. I have someone else with me. Leave.' I wanted to scream and said that I hadn't forget him, not even one second. I tried to reach him with my hands, but he kept getting further and further until I fell into a dark room.

'Slave! Who told you to daze! Serve me before I whipped you again!'

I saw an unfamiliar old man in front of me, naked. I looked at my body and saw that I was also naked. My body trembled, had I…?

'What? You still remember that Young Lord from Grand Duchy? He sold you a year ago! I bought you for cheap price! I should've returned you back, useless toy!'

I saw he flung a rock at me. I immediately covered my face before my body shook and I opened my eyes. Jon shook my body forcefully, his face looked worried.

"Bad dream?" Jon asked.

"… Yes." I said weakly.

Jon sighed and gave me glass warm water. "Here, drink this. You sweat a lot and your face looked like you're about to cry."

I nodded and drunk the warm water with my right hand, because my left hand still clenching Young Lord's pin.

"Well, we need to work soon. My mom boiled warm water for us, at least we can wash our face." Jon said.

"Yes, thank you. Sorry for disturbing you."

Jon chuckled. "Ramuja, you're part of the family now. Take it easy."

Jon left the room. I looked at the golden pin in my hand and sighed. That dream felt too real, maybe my outcome was determined already.

'Maybe Young Lord already forgot about me. I'm just an insignificant slave.'

I sighed. There was no point on pondering over something obvious. I stored the pin in my chest and left the room. I washed my face and followed Jon to work.

Merry was nowhere to be seen. When I asked Lisa, she said that she left early to hand her knitted work to her employer in the nearest village.

I was absentminded today. I made few mistakes and got scolded. Jon saw me dazed and decided to talk to me in our lunch break. "Are you okay?"

I didn't know what was on my mind, but I asked him. "Have you ever be in love?"

Jon seemed to be taken aback, but quickly calmed down. "I was in relationship with a village girl before. But I was only a poor worker and was a slave, her parents didn't give us blessing and married her to another man."

"… I'm sorry."

Jon laughed. "Why do you need to say sorry all the time? It's fine. Though, I love her, but seeing her living a good life and be happy is enough for me."

"… Have you ever wished that you two could ended up together?"

"I wished. But I was just a poor slave. I'm not a slave anymore, but I couldn't erase my past like that. We're not equal, so I have to let go." Jon said. He smiled, but his smile looked sad.

"… You will find your own happiness, someday," I tried to comfort him.

"Thanks. But don't worry, I'm fine!"

We ate our lunch, and then continued working until evening.

In Wood house, both Merry and me acted like nothing happened until midnight, when I heard Merry knocked the door.

"Ramuja, I will be waiting outside…"

I took a deep breath. I wore my warm coat, but before I left the house, I took Young Lord's pin and stuffed it in my pocket. My right hand kept holding that pin inside my pocket.

Merry waited outside and her face brightened when she saw me. I approached her and again, we stood in silence in this freezing night.

"Can you answer now?" Merry asked. She tried to smile, but it didn't hide her anxiousness in her face.

My hand gripped Young Lord's pin harder inside my pocket. I just did this instinctually. This personal belonging of Young Lord that he gave to me was my source of peace.

'Maybe If she knew my past, she would change her mind.'

"Merry, I don't think you would like me if you that I was…" I took a deep breath. "I was a sex slave… played by many men. I'm nasty, disgusting…"

I immediately bowed my head. I casted my eyes to the ground, hand still gripping Young Lord's pin tight.

Merry was surprised and didn't say anything. I thought it was the time for me to leave, but I felt two warm hands holding my cheeks. Merry lifted my face with her hands and smiled. "Listen, Ramuja. I don't care about your past. My family was a slave family before we are free. If you can leave the past and start over, I… I am happy to accompany you…" Merry blushed.

I was left speechless. For somebody to accept me like this… Even wanted to walk by my side.

I clenched Young Lord's pin even harder.

'Young Lord… If I say that… this filthy servant was a sex slave and he falls in love with you… will you say the same thing to me?'

'Young Lord, this servant-- I… love you…'

No, there was nothing right with me falling in love to my own master. I was unworthy. I was just a slave and he was my master, the unreachable master. Just like what Jon said, we were not equal…

'Young Lord… I will buy my freedom and follow you with my own willingness. I will see you living happy with somebody else. You may never know my true feeling, but as long as you're happy… then this filthy servant is also happy…'

'Young Lord… please let this servant also have someone who love me.'

I focused my gaze to Merry. She was beautiful, pure and beautiful. Although, not as dazzling as Young Lord, but she was a simple beauty that could bring me peace.

"… Merry, let's be together.'