Gardenia of Blooming Desire

I finished the daily quota for today and queued to get my daily food distribution. In this cold winter, the duchy generously gave the workers a free warm coat and boots. It was such bliss.

'Grand Duke Harion is really a kind man…' I pondered about Grand Duke. He never called me again after that moment. He hadn't even visited this place for a while. The current boss who controlled the business under Grand Duke Harion's order said that Grand Duke was busy with other business, so he couldn't visit us.

I walked alongside Jon to his house. Today was pretty cold, so the cook gave us warm bread and a seasoned fish. Yes, a seasoned fish. The deliciously salty fish tingled my nose and made my mouth watered.

We entered his house and saw Lisa and Merry waiting for us. The winter was harsh, and food was scarcer, we ate so little and might not even be able to provide ourselves if the duchy didn't hand us free dinner everyday.

"Today we have salted fish and warm bread. Grand Duchy is really generous!" Jon said. We handed our food to the table and began to split the food for four people.

We huddled together in a warm blanket until almost midnight to share our warmth. The only blanket was so thin, and to make or buy a new warm blanket required expensive material. We chatted about random stuff and laughed, sometimes Lisa talked about her old days. Merry talked about how her hand became callused because of too much knitting.

While Jon and me, we just talked about funny stuff happening when we worked.

Before we moved to our own room, Lisa suddenly said, "Wait here, I have a gift for everyone." She went to her room and took three envelopes. She handed the envelopes to each of us.

"This is you end year pocket money. I've saved enough for you three," Lisa said.

"Mom, we're not a kid anymore, you should keep this," Jon said.

"Nonsense! You are still a kid in my eyes, you couldn't even cook without burning anything!" Lisa dismissed her son's remark.

"Lisa… why do I get one too?" I asked, confused.

"Huh? You are my child too, why would I leave you out?" Lisa replied without hesitation. I stared at her, dumbfounded.

Of course, I knew that Lisa and her family accepted me, but to be treated as family member, wasn't it too much?

"Oh, I know you are going to say that you don't deserve it, right?" Lisa said. She opened her hand and hugged all of us in her warm embrace. "You three are my precious children. I have nothing I want except raising you three."

"Thanks mom…" Merry said.

"Huh, well, thanks mom," Jonathan followed.

I kept my silence, I was unsure whether I should call her that…

"Ramuja?" Lisa nudged my cheek with her cheek, waiting for a reply.

I took a deep breath, and said, "Thank you… mom…"

"That's my son!" Lisa laughed joyfully.

We continued this big hug until Lisa finally let us go. After saying goodnight to each other, I followed Jon to his room. It was very tiring today and Jon fell asleep immediately. I stayed up. I opened the box that was given to me by Jon, it was to store my belonging.

I opened the envelope from Lisa. It was indeed pocket money, the sum wasn't much, but the kind gesture had me shocked.

'Is it okay for me to indulge in this? They really treat me as a family, if they knew my identity as a sex slave… will they still accept me?' I pondered.

'Young Lord will definitely execute me if I said the truth about my past as a sex slave…'

I stuffed the envelope in my box with the gold I collected. It was still far from enough, but I could buy my freedom from Young Lord if I really tried.

I saw a small golden pin inside. I remembered this, this was the golden pin personally owned by Young Lord. It was the shape of a string less harp with the letter 'A' in the middle of the harp.

'This is Young Lord's personal pin. He gave it to me so that I could see the duchy doctor and get the best treatment…'

I caressed the pin. This was the only remnant of Young Lord's kindness to me.

'Young Lord… if I said that I missed you so much, will you be happy… or be disgusted?'

I smiled mirthlessly. It was painful. This feeling was painful.

I didn't want to admit it. But every time I had a flash of thought about Young Lord, all I could think was how beautiful he was, how graceful, and how lucky to be the one who accompanied him… to be his lover.

'And I shamelessly imagined myself to be his lover, to be the one who accompanied him. How disgusting.'

I laughed at my stupidity. What kind of idiot had entered my mind, to imagine such impossible thing?

'But I do… I do want to be in his side. At least standing besides him as a friend, watching him growing up to be a powerful man and died without remorse.'

I clutched Young Lord's pin.

'Young Lord, was that too much for me? I wonder if I dreamed impossible thing.'

While I was lamenting about hopeless thing, someone knocked the door.

"Ramuja, are you awake?"

That beautiful voice, it was Merry. I put my belonging back to the chest and opened the door. Merry was standing nervously, her hands seemed to hold on something carefully.

"Yes, do you need something?" I asked.

"Um… can you come with me outside?"

"Outside? But it's pretty cold. Do you need something? I will fetch it for you."

"No, Ramuja. I have to tell you something…"

My eyebrows rose. Merry looked nervous, maybe it was something shameful that she couldn't tell to her family. I nodded and followed her.

We wore our coat and boots. I shivered when I opened the door, but Merry didn't look bothered. She walked to the frozen lake, the place where I heard her singing that beautiful song. She glanced at me few times before she opened her mouth and started singing.

~ In this cold winter, I know my warmth is only you,

Even when my feet were frostbitten,

And my skin numbed,

But my heart melted with your gaze. ~

~ Hold my hands, and give me your love.

The fickle in my hands are getting slower,

But I cared nothing but your eyes.

Give me your never-ending love. ~

Merry finished her singing and I finally snapped out of my daze. She was very charming, in this cold winter, her charm was showered by moonlight. She opened her hands and presented a knitted flower made with white yarn. I immediately knew that it was supposed to be a knitted white Gardenia.

"Ramuja, I love you..."