Futile Love

Chapter 45: Chapter 45

Finally, Kyosul could go out with the royal doctor’s approval, but she was allowed only to go around within the compound of the Dongbi Palace. In fact, she was fully recovered and pretty healthy contrary to everyone’s fear. While she was wandering around the Dongbi Palace, she came to stop by the library.

Looking around the bookshelves here and there, she examined one with sparkling eyes. She looked up at the top bookshelf.

“Why is the book I’m looking for always on the top?”

She reached out her hand. She couldn’t touch it, so she took a small stand near the bookshelf and stepped on it. She touched it but couldn’t take it. Narrowing her brows, she stretched her hand. Now, she stood on tiptoes and lightly jumped up.

“Oops!”

At that moment, she lost balance and fell. She closed her eyes quickly. As it was not that high, she wasn’t dangerous anyway.

Thump!

She fell from the little wooden ladder-style stand, but she didn’t fall nor bump against the bookshelves behind her.

“Huh?”

She opened her eyes. She stood still on the floor. The hands holding her were warm. She felt someone’s warm chest behind her back.

“Did you discover only today that there was also a library in the Dongbi Palace?”

She heard someone’s cold voice. She shivered at the voice instinctively because she knew whose voice it was.

It was none other than Bipaan who held her.

“Long live the Crown Prince! I’m honored to see you here.”

She awkwardly bowed. She looked funny when she turned her head with embarrassment. She was leaning on him with one of her feet on the stand and the other feet still off the floor.

“I don’t think your posture is good enough to offer greetings to me,” said Bipaan.

“Really? I agree,” she said, bursting into laughter at that moment. His eyebrows wiggled.

He lifted her and put her down on the floor with a rigid expression.

She was happy to reach the floor safely but stepped back when Bipaan reacted coldly.

“Thank you.”

Strange enough she felt her face become rigid. She closed her lips awkwardly. When she greeted him with a smile, Bipaan’s face was chilly like a lump of ice.

“Do you enjoy it?”

“Pardon?”

He said, “I mean do you enjoy coming here?”

He bit his lips. Unlike his reticent attitude, he talked a little more today, but his facial expression was as chilly as ever.

“As you asked me about the library of the outer palace the other day, I thought you didn’t know there was no library in the East Palace. How about it? Don’t you think this library has more books, and it’s more interesting than the library of the outer palace?”

“Oh…”

She just rolled her eyes, at a loss for words.

She barely answered, “I haven’t read books here yet, but there are many interesting books here.”

Every time Bipaan asked her a question, she felt he tested her fiercely. She was careful enough to select every word for fear she might offend his feelings.

“Are you going to keep acting like a rabbit whenever you reply?”

“Rabbit?”

“You move your shoulders when you reply to me…”

She blushed at his critical comment and curled up her shoulders. As she was always tense around him, she got scared whenever he said something to her. This time he noticed it again.

He came nearer to her. She smelled a sweet musk from his body, which she thought fitted him well because of its soft and fresh smell.

When he came too close, she stepped back instinctively. Her back touched the bookshelves. She hunched her shoulders as she couldn’t move back anymore. His sleeves touched the tip of her nose.

Her heart sank suddenly.

“Here…”

He then stepped back as quickly as he came near her then presented a book to her.

It was the very book she was trying to reach out.

Receiving the book with both hands, she asked with scared eyes, “How did you know I was going to read this book?”

“Didn’t I catch you when you fell from the stand while trying to get this book?”

“Oh, you’re right. You saw me falling here.”

She awkwardly smiled at him. He just looked at her silently as if her question was ridiculous.

There was another awkward silence between them. She felt uncomfortable about being around him.

She quietly stood before him as if she did something wrong.

“Goodbye for now.”

After looking at her for a while, he turned. As he left as quickly as he appeared before her, she became impatient without any reason. She felt awkward and uncomfortable when he approached her, but she felt sorry about parting with him so suddenly.

She held him all of a sudden.

“Your Majesty!”

He stopped but didn’t turn around. Looking at his broad back, she said, “I was sick.”

“You look fine now,” he quickly answered.

He didn’t even look back at her. She had to be content with his stopping for a moment.

Indeed, I don’t have anything to expect from him.

It seemed that she had some more expectations of him just because he caught her and got a book for her, but that kind of kindness was common when one met a stranger in need.

She suddenly felt ashamed to think that her exchange of some words with him in a long time went to her head. She was thrilled to see him showing a friendly attitude in the library, but his chilly response to her questions put a damper on her expectations of him.

She tightly closed her lips. Though her lips curved a bit, she didn’t smile. In fact, she forced a smile to cover her bitter feelings.

“Yes, I am okay now. All thanks to you…”

Her mention of ‘all thanks to you’ was her sarcastic response to him as his official wife who didn’t receive any attention from him while she was sick.

Will he ever be curious who really helped me fully recover?

Without caring about her feelings at all, he said, “Just take care of yourself.”

And then he added something that made her heart sink, “Remember that your body isn’t yours alone. You have joined the royal family and my official wife. It is one of the virtues to keep yourself well. Don’t make the members of the royal family uncomfortable and stay fit. I hope you won’t make me bother about you in the future.”

She was stared at him. Watching him rebuking her even without looking back, she agonized over how to deal with him in the future.

“Your Majesty!” Instead of replying, she asked the question. “You told me to do whatever I wanted to do, right?”

“Yes, I did.”

His answer was short. He didn’t ask further as if he wasn’t curious about her. She felt bitter.

Though he didn’t continue to speak, he didn’t leave the place. He seemed to feel the tense atmosphere even without turning around.

She clenched the book she was holding. That was Bipaan’s only hospitality shown to her when he took it from the top bookshelf.

“When you said I could do whatever I wanted to, does it include my heart, too?”

She asked with difficulty as she found it pretty hard to mention that word.

“Your heart…”

His voice, marked by a flat tone all the time, trembled. The end of his words sounded sharp and seemed to sneer at her.

As she found it hard to figure out what he was thinking of, she got anxious as the silence continued.

“Given that you dared to ask me such a question, you seem to have made up your mind already. Even if I add any word, how can I move your heart?”

“What you mean is…”

“I just don’t know how many times I have already told you. You can do whatever you want to unless your actions impede me succeeding the throne. I won’t care what you do or what you decide.”

Bipaan quickly answered her question and left the place. She spaced out as if she had been hit in the head.

“I’m sorry; I am stupid,” she barely responded. Of course, that was her complimentary response. She wondered if he heard her faint reply.

It didn’t matter anyway.

As he was her husband, Kyosul momentarily had some expectations today, but she was mistaken again. She was hoping for his futile love.

As always, Bipaan was cold-hearted.

“Indeed, you’re so cold-hearted to me.”

What should she do now?

Even though she tried to keep a firm hand on her feelings, everybody seemed to sway her mind. It seemed that they were creating a situation in which they turned her around their fingers. She couldn’t figure out how to respond or how to cope with the situation.

She felt like throwing up.

Was it the right thing for her to be faithful to her genuine feelings and do whatever she felt comfortable about?

For a moment, she was lost in such thoughts. The book cover she was holding was crumpled.